To ask for child maintenance and nursery costs

[Sparklenote]

Seeking a sanity check please.

Ex recently left our family unit (another affair) and I now have a large mortgage and nursery fees to take care of. Mortgage is a separate issue (he’s refusing to also contribute anything there with no notice).

I have sole care of our toddler who he visits once a week with supervision due to safeguarding concerns - this is a private arrangement.

He thinks minimum CMS is fair and has added on an extra £100 to be ‘nice’.

I work four days a week and toddler is in nursery those four days. I am asking for half nursery costs on top of child maintenance which we always split 50/50 when living together. He can easily afford this plus his own rent with a lot left over. (I will be worse off as have the mortgage to bear but I do live in the house).

AIBU? Would you want more/less?
What about the joint mortgage?

Legally he only has to pay the CMS amount. Anything else is at his discretion.

Morally, however..

You’re not unreasonable to ask for half the nursery fees, but he doesn’t have to say yes, legally all he has to do is pay CMS.

The mortgage though as you have sole use of the property you would pay 100%

Is the CMS court ordered and calculated through the website? Or a private agreement you have come to?
ultimately anything you are entitled to would come through this and there’s no guarantee to get more. Is it unfair? Yes

there are some benefits single parents can get for childcare if you meet the threshold

Is it a joint mortgage?
you may need to sell, share the equity, and move to a smaller property

In the UK, it seems to be that only CMS needs to be paid.
I'm abroad and I will be suing ex for the back pay of child maintenance (approx. 10k) once the divorce is going through and the house has been signed over to me... and he'll be liable for continued child maintenance (£800/month) plus half of the nursery costs (£200/month) and 50% of wraparound care for our older one (£100/month).
I don't understand why this isn't the same in the UK. After all, if the DC didn't go to nursery, the other parent wouldn't be able to work. Based on that, ex would be liable for spousal support here (I don't legally have to return to work until the little one is 3) but I'm the higher earner and the spousal support wouldn't be sufficient.
I've managed to keep everything going while relying on maternity pay for the past year, while he's been having a fun time with the OW and claiming poverty.

I understand legally that CMS is all I can get. I am hoping he will be reasonable and see that it’s his responsibility to pay for childcare for his child.

What I don’t get is this: it’s a joint mortgage and he’s upped and left leaving me with a mortgage that I wouldn’t be able to get on my own. That’s approx. £800 more that I need to find on my own now per month. Tell me how that’s fair!? Yes I have the house but I currently have no choice but to live in the house, plus he’s left me with all of the childcare.

No one’s saying it’s fair, but it’s reality.

Re the mortgage, it’s your joint legal responsibility. The bank doesn’t care how you split it between the two of you - or even whether both of you contribute - as long as it gets paid. If you fail to pay the mortgage, they’ll come after both of you.

If you can’t afford the mortgage alone, you need to sell asap. That’s just how it works unfortunately.

Well - he is liable for the mortgage too, so if you can’t pay it, you’ll both have whatever happens to credit ratings.
seems you need to sell it pdq.

yes, he’s being an arsehole not helping you in this interim. Lucky you’re getting divorced.

What's his job OP? Can he afford for you to not pay it?

There are some jobs where mortgage defaults are frowned on. Maybe it's a card to play?

I would totally do this but there’s no way I’ll not pay as I have great credit, and he knows that 😒

Were you married? Are you divorcing?

Legally all he has to give you is what CMS has agreed, if he gives any more then that’s his choice. It’s worth asking.

But you can tell him that you’ve now got too many outgoings and you’ve realised you’re credit rating will now suffer because you can’t pay mortgage and childcare. Whether that’s true or not.
The system for maintenance in this country is dreadful.

How, in the name of all that is fucking holy, does a man who’s just….left, not have to pay half of the nursery fees? How is the woman (and it’s always a woman!) who has been left, expected to still go to work with no childcare? Or to fund it all? Surely, childcare is a reasonable expensive of having child???

It seems so reasonable to me so my mind is blown that it now all falls to me given he’s got a good job and can easily afford to go halves. I have to go and beg him to pay half. It’s soul destroying.

To the people voting YABU - in a legal sense or in a fairness sense? I’m only concerned with the last one as I know all I am entitled to is CMS.

if you think it’s unfair why? Genuinely, maybe I need to reframe things if this doesn’t seem right and I’m missing something.

He is liable for 50% of the mortgage but can also demand the house is either sold now or you buy him out. If he agrees for you to stay on condition you pay the mortgage in full you need to get this as a legal contract so when the house is sold you get the extra equity!

I’m sure it is. And, from an economic point of view it makes no sense? If he won’t pay half the child care, you will be forced to give up work, claim benefits etc. Instead, the government could force him to pay half for the child he fathered, you could continue to work and pay tax? Who came up with this shit idea??

Morally and legally are 2 different things. I don't think its outrageous at all for him to be expected to pay half of nursery fees, but legally he just has to pay the amount CMS calculate based on his earnings.

It’s shocking isn’t it! You could always say to him you have child and I’ll just pay you maintenance based on my salary and have every second weekend. I know you won’t as you are a decent Mother and human being. What is wrong with these men that think this is acceptable

But why does CMS not include nursery fees? It’s an actual, proven cost of having a child?

Legally you wouldn't be entitled to anything other than the CMS, but morally he's a literal piece of shit if he refuses to pay for his child if he can afford too.

Now you are a single parent would you might be entitled to universal credit depending on your wage to help with some nursery costs.

I couldn't agree more, she will likely have to get universal credit to help with nursery costs etc and end up taking tax payers money when there is no need, the Dad here has a good job here and can afford to provide but he chooses not too. They need to change the law on this one.

I dont know, I think it should but it doesnt. It has been the same for a fair while so people with nursery age children now haven't had the goalposts moved, and sadly its unlikely to change immediately if ever.

This is the reason why you can claim help with nursery fees. There have been a couple of people who, even on a higher rate tax payer salary, have been able to due to the rest of their coats being high. Plug it all into a calculator.

Obviously no, it isn't fair, but the "choice" (ha) of what childcare to use is seen as the choice of the resident parent. As someone else said, you might decide to hire a Norland Nanny and then claim half. Personally I think if it's the same nursery as when you were together he should pay.