Am I problematic?

[ChicJoker]

I’ll try and be as factual as possible so as not to seem biased. Just wanting to know why I struggle with maintaining relationships so much because it’s a “is it me” moment but I really don’t think it is. For context, I’m ND (severe combined type ADHD and mild autism)

family:
mum - rocky relationship, not got along since childhood. I would say she’s narcissistic and doesn’t take accountability for things she’s put me through, she would say I’m delusional, can’t be wrong, difficult, erratic and “mentally strong” as she tells everyone I’m a high achiever she’s so proud etc but is foul to me.

dad - my rock in everything, never fallen out, wouldn’t have a bad word to say about me.

siblings - 1 is dad’s other daughter nobody speaks to as she is beyond help, dangerous liar, manipulative, has had people jailed for her lies. Don’t trust her so don’t speak to her (amongst other reasons). 2 is brother, brought up together 7 year age gap. Hardly see him, very quiet just not had a “closeness”’not sure why. 3. Brother from dad, not been brought up particularly close, don’t see him much but fine when I do. 4. Sister, big age gap, get on really well but feel mum stands in the way (extremely controlling). Don’t see much due to this.

paternal grandmother - wicked woman. Never had much of a relationship despite trying. Pretentious, nasty, shunned me for being born out of wedlock and has treated me different ever since. Don’t have a relationship with any of my dads side even though we are so close. this is due to her mostly.

maternal grandmother - very close. Not the nicest woman but always supported me and our family. Get on well but sometimes have fall outs.

both sides grandfathers never been in the picture.

friends I really struggle to keep, I have intense friendships and tend to have a real closeness with one person for a prolonged time then for one reason or another it dies a death. I don’t know why? I feel I have lots of acquaintances but maybe only one person I could call to say go on holiday for example. I struggle with surface level friendships so this is hard for me. recently fell out with my best friend of ten years which was admittedly my own fault, stupid joke made that Indidnt think would upset her as it’s an ongoing joke on both sides, she really took offence I’ve apologised wholeheartedly but she has cut me off. I feel it was an over reaction but that’s not my place to say; she feels how she feels I guess.

I’m a real giver and go above and beyond for anybody who’s in my life, but I’m also opinionated and if I feel wronged I have no issue in cutting people out of my life. I love to love and really do go all out for people financially and emotionally even when we’re not that close, I guess it’s just my nature?

just got in a new relationship and he tells me he finds it odd I don’t have a large friend group and that it “must be me” because I’m driven and outgoing and “take no shit” with strong boundaries (i struggle with boundaries actually but am working on in therapy) but also tells me I have a heart of gold and I’m overly generous. Nobody makes any effort with me and it’s always me making plans with and for others.

I guess I just feel disliked but I’m struggling to see why..

Also just to add, when I say I’m opinionated I’m by no means “Leary” and never argue or go out of my way to say my opinion. But I’m very jokey and will joke with those close to me about what I’d say or do in situations, it’s obviously a joke. An example would be silly things like road rage.

I have never actually gotten into an altercation with anyone but when people tell me their problems I’ll say for example oh tell them to piss off youre XYZ don’t let anybody do XYZ” when in reality if it was me I’d likely not say anything. I’m a very jokey and - I’m told - funny person.

part of me thinks people just don’t like somebody being outgoing, confident, and successful. I’ve grown up with my mum telling me people are jealous of how I look etc but never adopted that mindset. My ex used to tell me people are jealous of my appearance and financial position but again, I struggle to believe this.

You are problematic for describing yourself as “mild autism”.

Well you're extremely critical there of most of the people in your life, but you've given yourself a great write-up.

Obviously we don't know you but if those who do pick up on that, perhaps that's where the problem lies?

part of me thinks people just don’t like somebody being outgoing, confident, and successful

Why would you think that?

You do sound very intense.

I may be wrong but often consider if someone has a lot of negative relationships with many people that it is worth considering what the common denominator is in those relationships my FIL had so many failed relationships and they always turned out to be “crazy” and yet he could never see that what they had in common was him so maybe they weren’t the crazy ones …

OP can’t help her family, it’s not fair to say she’s the pronblem.

You are not the arbiter of what autism is.

In my experience, the loving, giving, generous people are not the type to cut people off left, right and centre when they feel wronged. For those that leave a trail of broken friendships and people they’ve cut off in their wake, it’s generally them that is the problem.

You sound an intensive, love bomber who at the flick of a switch can turn nasty and write it off as being “jokey”, or just cut people off completely. You hold others to quite high standards, but don’t accept those standards for your own behaviour towards other people.

I’m also opinionated - for that I read someone who thinks everyone loves them because “I tell it like it is”.

If you’ve a whole bunch of people, not just family but also friends that you’ve “cut off”, the problem is most likely you,

Whenever somebody says this sort of thing about themselves, it usually indicates a lack of insight into the real reason they struggle with relationships and friendships. The idea that everybody you come across in life dislikes you because you’re confident and successful might make you feel better because it means you don’t have to delve too deeply into the less comfortable and more difficult to accept reasons about yourself that people might not get on with you, but it’s never going to actually address what those reasons are.

But it’s also going to probably serve you better not to ask whether you “are problematic” and to accept that you’re just another person with some aspects of self which could do with some introspection, acceptance of how they make others feel, and a bit of work on rounding. You don’t have to go through life thinking that anyone is “problematic” as a state of being - either you of all the other people - because neither of those things is likely.

That may well be true but it’s always worth considering why there are issues in all your relationships
I don’t think it’s normal to have such a huge degree of conflict across the board and sometimes worth having a bit of personal insight into why that might be .

You use very dramatic negative language to describe people in your life. People seem to be either pure evil (mum) or pure goodness (dad), with no room for nuance. And you can’t sustain friendships if they’re not super intense, and even when they are you randomly go off them.

If this works for you, that’s great. You seem to be pretty at ease with who you are, with your high achievements and confidence and strong boundaries and whatnot. But I tend to give people a wide berth if they are very all or nothing like this. It’s too intense and unstable for me.

Probably agree with this.

I do have some sympathy. I am probably somewhat similar.

Im mid 40s. My mum is autistic (diagnosed late in life) and had a bad upbringing (alcoholism, poverty, neglect).

she therefore shunned most of her family and I have no relationship with them.

However, she also picked fights with my dads family, meaning things were very awkward for many years and we don’t really speak.

I have a brother two years older and she always pitted us against us against each other….result being that we don’t speak.

I was close to all grandparents but they died decades ago.

so basically, I have no family, and I would say that’s through no fault of my own. It’s my mother’s fault.

However, friendships. I can see now that I adopted some of my mother’s traits. I would be suspicious and petty and huffy with people. I would create drama if I felt I wasn’t getting enough attention. In hindsight, I was getting no attention from home, so it really was just a cry for attention.

There are friends from my past who I would love to still be in touch with and have close friendships with but I don’t, because of how I behaved.

It does all stem from my mother. But at some point I had to take accountability for it and break the cycle. Which I think I have done.

Maybe you need to do the same. It does sound like you are highly critical of everybody around you except yourself.

You managed to alienate a long-standing, close friend and you think she overreacted? What do you think she thinks about you and your behaviour? You sound like you alternate between smothering people and pushing them away; exhausting. And your list of thumbnail sketches of all your relatives is frankly bizarre.

Nothing wrong with you. Everything wrong with the way society is set up now days. You are not alone . Keep being true to yourself. Don't let a man undermine you though and make you feel "odd" or "less"

OP, you say about problems sustaining relationships, 'is it me? I don't think it is.'
Who or what else could it be, except you?
Being attractive and successful might possibly alienate some under-confident potential friends, but why would it make you go off the friends you already have?

She is ND so basically this is typical society not understanding these people.

OP is autistic - black and white and "all or nothing" thinking is incredibly common.

Her friend was fine with her for a decade until OP said something so hurtful the friend cut her off. That’s not society’s fault, that’s OP’s actions having consequences. When you treat people badly they don’t want to spend time with you anymore.

fell out with my best friend of ten years which was admittedly my own fault, stupid joke made that Indidnt think would upset her as it’s an ongoing joke on both sides, she really took offence I’ve apologised wholeheartedly but she has cut me off. I feel it was an over reaction

i wonder whether there is an element of you needing to be in the right? Taking this example, have you really apologised wholeheartedly if you simultaneously think she overreacted? Maybe the ongoing joke was less funny for her than for you and this was the last straw, compounded if she picked up on your somewhat dismissive attitude. If you have to be in the right, then other people have to be (in the) wrong, and I can imagine that becoming wearing over time.

Ask yourself honestly if you allow equality in your relationships- you say you’re generous, do you allow people to reciprocate? Do you offer generously but then ‘keep score’ of what you’ve given and what you’ve received?

If you have/had a difficult relationship with your Mum then research CPTSD.

You sound quite intense. I can relate because some of the things you’ve said resonate with me. It’s all very well saying you tell it like it is but that’s generally not what people want. At least not in a bolshy way.

The genuinely most popular friends are the ones who are supportive but honest. They help where they can and pull their weight but don’t overextend themselves to their detriment. You can be outgoing, confident and successful but if you’re a show off then it will piss people off.

This.

You sound very intense to me, it’s too much especially in relationships which you say yourself are not very close. You’re making “jokes” that are cruel enough to end decade long friendships.

Society is set up much like it ever has been: people don’t respond well to people and situations which make them upset, hurt, or uncomfortable. Somebody saying that they have ADHD and autism might go some way to providing some explanation of some of their less likeable and attractive behaviours; but whilst they may help people understand, if people find those behaviours hurtful, upsetting, or difficult to be around, they aren’t going to allow ADHD and autism to excuse them - they’re just going to opt to spend their time around other people who don’t make them feel that way and avoid the individual who hurts them.

I have an acquaintance with a personality disorder. I know, from an objective perspective, that it’s the disorder which makes her the way she often is and I can have sympathy for her - but her problems are not my problems to solve, they are for her to address, and my ability to be objective doesn’t make her any more enjoyable or pleasant to be around, and I’m not going to put myself in situations where her behaviour puts me at risk of injury or means I have a thoroughly crap day.

It sounds like you really hurt your best friend OP.
Until you can put yourself in the other persons shoes and show them the respect and the empathy they deserve, you are just going to carry on in the same vein . This is not a nice way to live imho but l don't think you care .
I wish you well with your beauty , success and outgoing confidence because it gets lonely at the top .