Am I problematic?

[ChicJoker]

I’ll try and be as factual as possible so as not to seem biased. Just wanting to know why I struggle with maintaining relationships so much because it’s a “is it me” moment but I really don’t think it is. For context, I’m ND (severe combined type ADHD and mild autism)

family:
mum - rocky relationship, not got along since childhood. I would say she’s narcissistic and doesn’t take accountability for things she’s put me through, she would say I’m delusional, can’t be wrong, difficult, erratic and “mentally strong” as she tells everyone I’m a high achiever she’s so proud etc but is foul to me.

dad - my rock in everything, never fallen out, wouldn’t have a bad word to say about me.

siblings - 1 is dad’s other daughter nobody speaks to as she is beyond help, dangerous liar, manipulative, has had people jailed for her lies. Don’t trust her so don’t speak to her (amongst other reasons). 2 is brother, brought up together 7 year age gap. Hardly see him, very quiet just not had a “closeness”’not sure why. 3. Brother from dad, not been brought up particularly close, don’t see him much but fine when I do. 4. Sister, big age gap, get on really well but feel mum stands in the way (extremely controlling). Don’t see much due to this.

paternal grandmother - wicked woman. Never had much of a relationship despite trying. Pretentious, nasty, shunned me for being born out of wedlock and has treated me different ever since. Don’t have a relationship with any of my dads side even though we are so close. this is due to her mostly.

maternal grandmother - very close. Not the nicest woman but always supported me and our family. Get on well but sometimes have fall outs.

both sides grandfathers never been in the picture.

friends I really struggle to keep, I have intense friendships and tend to have a real closeness with one person for a prolonged time then for one reason or another it dies a death. I don’t know why? I feel I have lots of acquaintances but maybe only one person I could call to say go on holiday for example. I struggle with surface level friendships so this is hard for me. recently fell out with my best friend of ten years which was admittedly my own fault, stupid joke made that Indidnt think would upset her as it’s an ongoing joke on both sides, she really took offence I’ve apologised wholeheartedly but she has cut me off. I feel it was an over reaction but that’s not my place to say; she feels how she feels I guess.

I’m a real giver and go above and beyond for anybody who’s in my life, but I’m also opinionated and if I feel wronged I have no issue in cutting people out of my life. I love to love and really do go all out for people financially and emotionally even when we’re not that close, I guess it’s just my nature?

just got in a new relationship and he tells me he finds it odd I don’t have a large friend group and that it “must be me” because I’m driven and outgoing and “take no shit” with strong boundaries (i struggle with boundaries actually but am working on in therapy) but also tells me I have a heart of gold and I’m overly generous. Nobody makes any effort with me and it’s always me making plans with and for others.

I guess I just feel disliked but I’m struggling to see why..

I think you hold people to higher standards than you yourself meet, which can always cause issues. For example, you cut people out if you feel wronged, but expect more from your friend who has cut you out. You have clearly grown up in a household with poor communication and a lot of drama, but it's up to you if you want to continue living like this.

I would try to put yourself in other people's shoes a little bit more, understand that someone "going cold," for example might just be going through something themselves and it have nothing to do with you. It does sound a little like you don't see people as independent, fully formed people with good and bad sides and who might behave differently when life is hard for them. I think reading books can really help with this, not self help books, but decent literature where the characters are multi-faceted and have depth.

I think it is interesting that when you do get on with someone, you express that entirely in relation to you (get on well, is my rock) but when you dislike someone it's a character assassination with nothing to do with you. Maybe expand how you think about the people you like, attribute them with good traits in the way you do the people you dislike. This might make it harder to write them off.

Or emotionally damaged from childhood, I do this if I don't watch myself, I am NT , it stems from childhood experience.

I always think when people fall out with lots of people then the common denominator is usually the problem (not to say people you fall out with are perfect or without issue).

But OP sounds very intense and it is passive aggressive to constantly make ‘jokes’ as a way of making a negative point. It is unpleasant

Sure, but that doesn’t mean anyone is required to enjoy being slotted into her rigid and absolutist categories in the context of a voluntary social relationship.

Maybe reframe the question - some of your BEHAVIOURS clearly are problematic in that they don't serve your interests well - could you look at ways to tweak your interactions with others so they serve you better?

Where has she said they should be?

It's kind of the whole context for this post.

Surely what’s important is, are you happy with how you are? I don’t have a big group of friends and I don't socialise much. When I do, I’m outgoing and enjoy myself, but my social meter depletes quite quickly.

I’m entirely happy and the thought of having to put the energy in to maintaining a big friend group fills me with dread.

I never said they were.

Yes, it could be both.

I'm similar OP and what I've learnt in 50 years is that I need to pull back on the intensity. I'm not interested in superficial friendships where I don't feel the click but I have to find a middle ground. Too intense (often without realising) and eventually the other person pulls away.

The other thing I'd say is that when I was younger I thought good friendships lasted forever. But i now know that's generally unrealistic. People move on, they meet new people, they move away, they get new jobs. I've learnt to accept that people come and go.

Lol, I thought that.

@Pinkflowersinavase but nobody - of any neurotype - is required to find someone likeable if they behave in ways that don’t feel good to them.

It's not about ‘society not understanding’ - it’s about the fact that not everyone wants to be in a dynamic with someone who sees any disagreement as a matter of 100% fault and blame, and any difference of opinion as a matter or one or the other party being 100% wrong.

It’s OK for me to say that in my personal friendships I don’t want there to be a lot of all or nothing, idealising / denigrating dynamics.

It’s OK for you to say you don’t want personal friendships with people who live in the gray area where not everything is right or wrong.

People can have preferences about who they are friends with without it meaning anyone is being oppressed.

Just based on what you've said above, I would assume if we were friends I'd have to put up with constant criticism under the guise of jokes, and if I objected, I'd be immediately diagnosed as a malignant narcissist, who is also jealous and ableist.

You probably have some internalised narcissism which results in childlike black and white thinking and splitting - you idolise someone then they are suddenly bad (split good and bad)

your dad is a bystander if your mum was really a narcissist so I wouldn’t blame it all on your mum - again there is the good bad split

YOU are not problematic - you’ve grown up in a family that had uneven less than healthy parenting - it’s that that’s problematic

if your mum is narcissistic she won’t want you to be close to your sister and is a factor in keeping you apart

No, it isn’t. Nowhere has she implied this.

It is you.

You sound extremely angsty, intense and navel-gazing to me.

It's only a joke if you're both laughing Op, your BF wasn't, she was hearing critism pretending to be a joke and finally got fed up with it. If you can't hold on to friends for long maybe you're doing the same thing to them, maybe you're too intense and it scares people off.

It’s good that you’re in therapy OP - surely that’s the place to explore these questions? It seems like starting a thread like this is just a way to generate drama (and therefore dopamine) rather than actually provide anything helpful. Not criticising btw, just observing, as it’s a trait I recognise.

Let’s not police how people perceive their own disability, and frankly you’re wrong for insinuating there is no such thing as profound autism (and mild autism would be the other end of this ‘spectrum’ (in a non medical use of the word)). Non verbal autism is very different to struggling socially but being able to implement coping strategies, and there’s nothing wrong with differentiating that.

I was a bit surprised that someone who took “Neurospicy” as a username would object to anyone else referring to themselves as having ‘mild autism’.

It’s a minefield out there.

Has any one ever mentioned BPD to you?

Agree with this. I’m ND and I personally can’t stand terms like “neurospicy” and “superpower” but if that’s how someone wants to make sense of their neurotype (and any disability that comes with it), that’s up to them. We’re really only just starting to learn about ND properly and the terms in current usage will likely all be obsolete in a couple of decades anyway.

Just don’t get me started on the term “problematic”…

You sound a bit difficult.