Am I problematic?

[ChicJoker]

I’ll try and be as factual as possible so as not to seem biased. Just wanting to know why I struggle with maintaining relationships so much because it’s a “is it me” moment but I really don’t think it is. For context, I’m ND (severe combined type ADHD and mild autism)

family:
mum - rocky relationship, not got along since childhood. I would say she’s narcissistic and doesn’t take accountability for things she’s put me through, she would say I’m delusional, can’t be wrong, difficult, erratic and “mentally strong” as she tells everyone I’m a high achiever she’s so proud etc but is foul to me.

dad - my rock in everything, never fallen out, wouldn’t have a bad word to say about me.

siblings - 1 is dad’s other daughter nobody speaks to as she is beyond help, dangerous liar, manipulative, has had people jailed for her lies. Don’t trust her so don’t speak to her (amongst other reasons). 2 is brother, brought up together 7 year age gap. Hardly see him, very quiet just not had a “closeness”’not sure why. 3. Brother from dad, not been brought up particularly close, don’t see him much but fine when I do. 4. Sister, big age gap, get on really well but feel mum stands in the way (extremely controlling). Don’t see much due to this.

paternal grandmother - wicked woman. Never had much of a relationship despite trying. Pretentious, nasty, shunned me for being born out of wedlock and has treated me different ever since. Don’t have a relationship with any of my dads side even though we are so close. this is due to her mostly.

maternal grandmother - very close. Not the nicest woman but always supported me and our family. Get on well but sometimes have fall outs.

both sides grandfathers never been in the picture.

friends I really struggle to keep, I have intense friendships and tend to have a real closeness with one person for a prolonged time then for one reason or another it dies a death. I don’t know why? I feel I have lots of acquaintances but maybe only one person I could call to say go on holiday for example. I struggle with surface level friendships so this is hard for me. recently fell out with my best friend of ten years which was admittedly my own fault, stupid joke made that Indidnt think would upset her as it’s an ongoing joke on both sides, she really took offence I’ve apologised wholeheartedly but she has cut me off. I feel it was an over reaction but that’s not my place to say; she feels how she feels I guess.

I’m a real giver and go above and beyond for anybody who’s in my life, but I’m also opinionated and if I feel wronged I have no issue in cutting people out of my life. I love to love and really do go all out for people financially and emotionally even when we’re not that close, I guess it’s just my nature?

just got in a new relationship and he tells me he finds it odd I don’t have a large friend group and that it “must be me” because I’m driven and outgoing and “take no shit” with strong boundaries (i struggle with boundaries actually but am working on in therapy) but also tells me I have a heart of gold and I’m overly generous. Nobody makes any effort with me and it’s always me making plans with and for others.

I guess I just feel disliked but I’m struggling to see why..

No, but the OP is asking why she has difficulties in many of her relationships.

And all or nothing thinking can be quite difficult in the context of a relationship: the other person is good or bad, right or wrong. This can lead to a lot of conflict and misunderstanding, and arguments or intense discussions that feel unnecessary and exhausting and irresolvable.

And yes, this type of thinking might be common in autism - as it is in anxiety, OCD, complex trauma, etc.

But that doesn’t make it any less aversive for people who prefer lower stakes and less conflict and more nuance in their personal relationships.

If I mention one of the aspects of OP’s relational style that might be putting people off, and you say ‘but that’s common in autism’, my assumption is that you are implying that because it’s common in autism, people in the OP’s life are being intolerant if they don’t like her relational style.

My assumption may be wrong. Maybe you meant something else?

You say you do a lot for others and very generous etc but it sounds like you are actually doing it for yourself (the way you have written it)

do you struggle to accept that different people may think and feel differently to you and so often put your foot in it?

Not everyone OP will have come across will be NT. I’m ND and to me OP sounds like hard work.

@ChicJoker

If you are Autistic and ADHD then chances are members of your family are too.
It sounds like your parents lives were also somewhat chaotic.
You will have difficulties that come from your ND and difficulties from your upbringing, probably at least in part due to those members also being ND.

Just accept that you have sides of you which would be generally considered positive, but alongside them you have sides which have been proven to be problematic.
This is who you are.

There’s no good listening to strangers on the internet tell you that you are either fantastic, or far too intense, because when you are close to someone, whether it be a relationship or a friendship, you can’t hide or change your true self.

Some people tend to have calm and stable long term friends and relationships. Others have intense periods of ups and downs and more chaotic periods.
This will be down to a combination of being naturally more included to one or the other, and also having been brought up in a similar environment.

Says ‘Neurospicy’ 🙄

if I feel wronged I have no issue in cutting people out of my life

And then you go on to say you have problem with boundaries.

You sound like you set too many absolute boundaries that others must comply with and none that you have to comply with - like inappropriate “jokes”, upsetting your best friend and saying SHE is the one overreacting, character assassination for people who have upset you while excusing your own behaviour as confident and ‘telling it like it is.’

Your assumption is very wrong. I was just explaining that her autism is probably the reason she behaves the way she does. I never once said it was okay or that anyone should have to put up with it if they don't want to.

"As factual as possible so as not to seem biased."

yet you blithely describe people as "wicked woman" "Not the nicest woman" "Pretentious" "nasty",,,

that's not factual, it's judgemental and opinionated

How does someone with neurospicy n their nym criticize someone else for their choice of term for referring to their iwn condition?

There’s a lot going on here. First of all, not everyone wants or needs a large friendship group - and it doesn’t mean it would be a meaningful group anyways.

Additionally, being that great, successful, etc presumably should actually make it easier for you to keep friendships. Socialising, hosting, hobbies, etc are all activities that require money, generally speaking. Most people won’t be jealous because you’re doing well, they’ll be happy for you.

“Telling it like it is” is normally code for being an asshole. There are ways of speaking to people. And then it depends on your type of humour too.

My DB is very successful, loved and social, but his humour is mostly mild bullying. He’s very giving but only because he’ll be holding it over your head. Maybe some reflection to see if this is the case with you is worthy.

You sound very similar to someone I was very close friends with a few years ago, but I stopped communicating with them because their idea of ‘jokes’ and being funny was often at my expense and it made me feel very anxious, to the point I dreaded meeting up with this friend and others, in case I was made to feel embarrassed…

@faerietales She did mention her autism in the OP, so I was aware.

Thanks for clarifying. Hope we’re Ok now.

Maintaining relationships as adults is hard for a lot of people, so you're not alone!

Perhaps somethings to reflect on; relationships aren't just formed out of common interests and generosity. They also take communication, compromise and forgiveness. Are these traits you've shown in your friendships?

You mention you fell out with a close friend recently. When you apologised, did you acknowledge your error, ask for forgiveness and how you can make it up? Saying sorry in isolation can often be taken as un-meaningful, especially if the joke was part of a long-term pattern of behaviour your friend may have been struggling silently with.

Your OP also says you go all out for people, which sounds really well-intentioned. Occasionally, people can find this full on especially if there's large amounts of money being involved. People can often shy away from relationships where they feel they're expected to commit more time, energy or finances than they're able or willing too.

I hope you get some helpful answers from this thread, it's not easy to take the first step to reflect on behaviours and relationships. 💐

I think that you have a high opinion of what you bring to other people and a tendancy to give on a quid pro quo basis, and when in your view people don't repay you, you have low tolerance of them. Unfortunately this doesn't always make for positive long term relationships because it relies on the other person knowing your 'giving' is conditional on their repaying you in a way you feel appropriate, but they may not. I think you would do better trying to be more relaxed when it comes to others.if you want to give, then do so, but only because you want to, and without conditions. Accept that others are not perfect, just as you are not, and that character flaws don't always need to be deal breakers, and you can have relationships on a level where you work around them if the rest is good - as you do with your grandma.

I think you are right to consider whether you are the common denominator as if relationships are difficult with most people around you then that is a great place to start. Try not to be too hard on yourself though, as most of our difficulties can be related to your neuro diversity and/or trauma. The world isn't designed for ND people and it can be difficult to navigate.

You are very critical of most of the women in your life, your mother is a narcissist, your sister is a terrible person and manipulator, your mother is keeping your other sister away, your friend over reacted - do you know why that is? Do you struggle predominantly with female friendships?

Do you find it hard to reflect on your own shortcomings? I'm hearing a lot about what's wrong with other people, and what's great about you, which isn't balanced at all.

I'm likely AuDHD (huge family history including my kids). I am aware of the issues I have that probably make friendships harder. I interrupt people (I do my very best not to, but I often do still). There are some areas I feel very black and white about that I know others don't - I try to mitigate this but it's hard sometimes. I have RSD and take things very personally, but I try to remember that people might not contact me because of other things going on in their lives. I could go on and on...

It's important to consider not just what's going on for you with relationships but also try to work on the issues identified.

I have a friend with borderline personality disorder and she sounds EXACTLY like you. She’s funny, fun to be around and generous and supportive but she’s very intense. She’s had a lot of broken relationships- romantic ones and friendships. I don’t think people understand her very well, she has a lot of black and white thinking too and seems to perceive people as either amazing or evil. I think she also had a difficult relationship with her mum. I like her company but I wouldn’t want to get on the wrong side of her. Have you ever considered you might have bpd too? Or perhaps it is your autism?

Have you looked into narcissistic personality disorder? There does seem to be quite a notable link between ADHD and NPD.

I think as most people manage to get through life without cutting themselves off from anyone let alone multiple friends, then yes I would say it’s likely you are the problem. You describe everyone using very extreme negative language and talk of intensive relationships which are generally not sustainable or enjoyable for anyone. And when someone has such a high opinion of themself and includes descriptors such as “strong” & “opinionated” with “no issue cutting people off” I’d run a mile!

It sounds like you didn’t have great relationship role models growing up so it’s hardly surprising things aren’t easy but some therapy will go a long way to help you & your future relationships.

There isn’t an awful lot of sympathy on this thread.

I suspect that you maybe don’t come across to others as well as you think you do. Perhaps it’s time for a bit of self reflection and honesty with yourself?

I’d agreee with the intense thing, you use words like wicked and narcissistic but then the people you like you make out to be angels. Nobody is that clear cut

Are there studies that prove this? AFAIK it’s thought that this apparent comorbidity might simply be due to their apparently similar symptoms rather than a definite causal link. A recent (non-generalisable) study into this has only found a potential link requiring further exploration: www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S0022395624002383

This was exactly what I thought.

People were brilliant or evil. In real life people don't fit into those boxes perfectly.

You've also given yourself a great write up - but so would a narcissist, wouldn't they?

Chances are there's a bit of six of one, half a dozen of the other as there is in most relationship breakdown. But I don't think you will be helping any relationship by categorising people as perfect or evil, because that will effect how you react to them and their actions.

If they described you, I have no doubt that they would put at least some negative personality traits that effects your relationship with them.

And on the whole people are not as jealous of success/beauty/wealth in rl as MN would have us believe, but ime people who think that people are jealous of them, react accordingly and are people I tend to avoid because of that behaviour.