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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Marriage based on a lie

59 replies

Strongerthanyesterdaynow · 26/05/2025 08:11

I’m in thr early days of a separation.

I had known DH a number of years before getting together. At the time, his ex was pregnant and they were still living together….he promised she was an ex, told me all this stuff about it. I completely fell for it along with the lovebombing, told me they’d only slept together once and had been casually dating.

once our DC was born, the truth came out after a I started questioning his behaviou…they were planning to buy a house together before she even fell pregnant. And, I strongly suspect they were still together when their child was born and shortly after.

I have tried to stay with him in the years after this but I can’t.

Will the fact we got together based on his lies go against him in court…wouldn’t have gone near him if I knew the truth. I’d have ran a mile.

OP posts:
Dollshousedolly · 26/05/2025 08:27

I would imagine it will be totally irrelevant in any court proceedings,

BookArt55 · 26/05/2025 08:31

Plays no part in family court, they care only about what affects the child. Although I understand you feel betrayed, you need to put that energy into other areas. Focus on the present and moving forward for you and your child.

Elektra1 · 26/05/2025 08:34

We have no fault divorce now. It won’t make a jot of difference to either the divorce or to any disputes over the shared care of a child. Sorry this happened though.

CrazyGoatLady · 26/05/2025 08:36

This is a horrible thing to happen, and he's a shit partner. However, if you're talking about family court, they will only care whether or not he's a shit dad and what's in your child's best interests. Most of the time, it is in the child's best interests to have an equitable relationship with both parents and for the parents to find a way to co parent like adults.

It's understandable you are hurt, but this is something you'll need to get your head around, the court won't be interested in punishing your ex either financially or through contact arrangements because he's a twat and he's hurt you (and someone else, by the sounds of it).

Original poster
Strongerthanyesterdaynow · 26/05/2025 08:41

How does abuse and control play a part in divorce?

Will it not?

OP posts:
Doggymummar · 26/05/2025 08:43

No it plays no part unless it's the reason you cited. Divorce concentrates on unraveling assets really. And there's no need to go to court. You can do it on line if you agree on the outcome.

MereNoelle · 26/05/2025 08:45

Strongerthanyesterdaynow · 26/05/2025 08:41

How does abuse and control play a part in divorce?

Will it not?

In what way? We have no fault divorce now, so in terms of actually getting divorced it’s irrelevant.
Do you mean with regards to financial settlement?

LoveTheLake525 · 26/05/2025 08:48

Strongerthanyesterdaynow · 26/05/2025 08:41

How does abuse and control play a part in divorce?

Will it not?

What abuse?

he lied, you believed him because you wanted to, you got pregnant.

what exactly do you think the courts should take jnto consideration & why?

Letsbe · 26/05/2025 08:49

CrazyGoatLady · 26/05/2025 08:36

This is a horrible thing to happen, and he's a shit partner. However, if you're talking about family court, they will only care whether or not he's a shit dad and what's in your child's best interests. Most of the time, it is in the child's best interests to have an equitable relationship with both parents and for the parents to find a way to co parent like adults.

It's understandable you are hurt, but this is something you'll need to get your head around, the court won't be interested in punishing your ex either financially or through contact arrangements because he's a twat and he's hurt you (and someone else, by the sounds of it).

This is very good advise. You cannot change what happened and holding on to it will stop you moving forward. Good luck.

Heronwatcher · 26/05/2025 08:52

Look there are couples where the man has been abusive to their wives for decades and then tried to kill them, and they still get some of the money and access to their kids in some form in most cases.

What exactly do you mean in any case- go against him? Are you hoping to take all the money/ assets and stop him seeing your DC? In most cases divorces are almost entirely done on the papers unless you really want to spend more than your own financial settlement on legal fees…

What he did was messy and not great but loads of relationships have a dodgy start, especially if he had an ex who we was living with and they were already pregnant. Of course if you can’t accept this and move on that’s your right but it’s not fair to make out like he’s the bastard of the centrury through the courts if this is all he’s done.

BookArt55 · 26/05/2025 08:56

You didn't mention abuse, you mentioned a lie. In family court the abuse needs to be shown to impact the child... my judge found him to be verbally abusive to me (there was more but not enough evidence) and ex still gets time with the kids. New guidelines state any abuse to the mother does affect the kids whether seen or not,however they will still support contact with both parents. For abuse to be proven you need evidence... which is horrible, not what you want to hear, and doesn't invalidate your experience.
I don't know about divorce courts but assuming that is primarily financial decisions, abuse isn't going to change that outcome. That would be based of income, housing needs etc.

However I should add post separation abuse is real. Read about it. Document everything. Contact a domestic abuse charity as they will be amazing help.

Mrsttcno1 · 26/05/2025 08:57

We have no fault divorce, so it is entirely irrelevant in court proceedings that he lied or cheated

Original poster
Strongerthanyesterdaynow · 26/05/2025 15:22

I mean outside of the lying….he’s abusive.

Will that make a difference to any thing?

OP posts:
SilviaSnuffleBum · 26/05/2025 15:24

Strongerthanyesterdaynow · 26/05/2025 08:41

How does abuse and control play a part in divorce?

Will it not?

You haven't mentioned control or abuse issues, so is there a back story/drip feed?

LunchtimeNaps · 26/05/2025 15:24

What difference are you trying to make? Are we talking reason for divorce, custody of child, keeping the house, financial? You need to be clearer for people to help.

Original poster
Strongerthanyesterdaynow · 26/05/2025 15:27

It’s a very long story, I will post everything….but, if it gets picked up by the DM or my H, could it go against me in court?

OP posts:
KrisAkabusi · 26/05/2025 15:55

Do you live outside thee UK or Ireland? Because in these jurisdictions, there is no-fault divorce. Which means that WHY you are getting divorced doesn't matter. It won't affect whether you get divorced or not, or the financial agreement, or custody arrangements. So it doesn't matter if he (or you) has lied, been violent, is an alcoholic etc. The divorce happens anyway, and the other arrangements follow a standard process.

Elektra1 · 26/05/2025 16:12

Lying to your partner about your circumstances isn’t “abuse”, it’s dishonesty. Did he abuse you in other ways, or is it just the dishonesty you’re hoping will be helpful in a divorce? If the latter, let that go because it makes no difference.

BMW6 · 26/05/2025 16:25

What are you wanting the Court to do OP?
It sounds like you are wanting DH to be ordered to have no contact with his children? Or are you seeking a bigger financial settlement?

Sorry but you do sound like you're trying to get the Court on your side as it were.

MereNoelle · 26/05/2025 16:35

Strongerthanyesterdaynow · 26/05/2025 15:27

It’s a very long story, I will post everything….but, if it gets picked up by the DM or my H, could it go against me in court?

In what way? What do you want from the court?

Snoken · 26/05/2025 16:50

Has he ever been convicted for the abuse or is there an ongoing investigation against him for the abuse? If he is going to be going to prison for example then you will probably be awarded a higher amount because you will be solely responsible for the children with regards to housing them and paying for everything else they need.

MereNoelle · 26/05/2025 16:53

Strongerthanyesterdaynow · 26/05/2025 15:22

I mean outside of the lying….he’s abusive.

Will that make a difference to any thing?

To what? You need to be clear about what you’re hoping for.
With regards to a divorce? No it won’t make any difference. The divorce will be granted either way.
Residency of children? Financial settlement? It would entirely depend on the nature of the abuse, what evidence you have, whether the children are deemed to be at risk etc.

EuclidianGeometryFan · 26/05/2025 16:55

It seems that you misunderstand what the court is for in a divorce.

It is there to
one - rubberstamp the divorce, i.e. make it legal and official
two - decide on arrangements for the children, if applicable
three - divide up the money and assets and pensions

It is not there to decide "who was in the wrong", as that is irrelevant.

Silvertulips · 26/05/2025 16:57

Nobody see La the court papers in a divorce, you can divorce on any grounds. But the end result is the same.

What’s worrying you?

Is he a good father to your child?

AirborneElephant · 26/05/2025 16:59

In the divorce itself and financial settlement his behaviour will have no impact at all. In child arrangements abuse can do, but generally only if it is documented and proven abuse against the children, not against you. I think you need to be realistic about this, the divorce courts will not give you any revenge, they will not make things fair, they will not punish him. You just need to negotiate a fair financial settlement and a child arrangement order you can live with, and then move forward with your life without him.

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