Marriage based on a lie

[Strongerthanyesterdaynow]

I’m in thr early days of a separation.

I had known DH a number of years before getting together. At the time, his ex was pregnant and they were still living together….he promised she was an ex, told me all this stuff about it. I completely fell for it along with the lovebombing, told me they’d only slept together once and had been casually dating.

once our DC was born, the truth came out after a I started questioning his behaviou…they were planning to buy a house together before she even fell pregnant. And, I strongly suspect they were still together when their child was born and shortly after.

I have tried to stay with him in the years after this but I can’t.

Will the fact we got together based on his lies go against him in court…wouldn’t have gone near him if I knew the truth. I’d have ran a mile.

@Strongerthanyesterdaynow What exactly are you worried about? Clearly there is something specific that you want to know about, as to the likely outcome, but without telling us, we can't provide any meaningful advice.

Do you have any children?

The purpose of divorce proceedings is to unpick the marriage, not to investigate how it came about. Your husband will not be financially penalised for lying to get you into the relationship, nor will you be financially penalised for being naive.

I think I just want acknowledgement of his poor behaviour (this is the tip of the iceberg)…doesn’t sound like I’ll get it though

The court’s job is to dissolve the marriage, not to ‘acknowledge’ any behaviour. Even if the courts said ‘yeah he was a lying cunt’ (they obviously wouldn’t!), it wouldn’t make any different to the outcome. Either way, you’ll be divorced.

I’m just feel like he completely manipulated me and my life with his lies. I wouldn’t be in this mess if he’d been honest.

He can’t even admit he’s done wrong, instead I’m naive for believing him.

And you’re probably right, you wouldn’t be in that mess if it wasn’t for his lies. But the courts can’t get involved in the relationship issues of everyone who applies for a divorce. It’s probably something that would be worth working through in therapy.

You need to separate out
the divorce itself
finances
child arrangements.

Abuse makes essentially no difference to the outcome of the first two.

If a parent is abusive in a way which the courts consider would affect their ability to parent, this might “go against them” in child arrangements proceedings such that they get less time with their children or potentially supervised contact or in the most extreme cases no contact.

But that is a really high bar and the courts will generally need to see evidence of the abuse. And even in cases where there has been provable ongoing serious abuse this won’t necessarily affect child arrangements. The courts are now (imo) a bit sceptical of abuse accusations and it can actually hurt your case on child arrangements to make them, particularly if you don’t have evidence from prior to the separation.

Not through a divorce settlement or family court you won't.

Look, he's been a right shit, and what you want isn't unreasonable, and it's so understandable you feel like you want acknowledgement of the hurt he's caused. But you may have to find a way of coming to terms with not getting that from him, and nobody else is going to force it out of him either.

He may come to regret not keeping it in his pants at some stage when he's having to pay child maintenance to two different women for multiple children and juggle different visitation schedules!

You sound like you want some sort of revenge - courts will see straight through you, and it will go against you.

They want what’s best for the child.

A fair deal to split assets, both homes accordingly, and split in child arrangements.

You need to see a solicitor.

@Strongerthanyesterdaynow

I'm assuming you're in the UK so divorce is 'no fault'. That means that there are no 'grounds' for divorce such as cruelty, adultery, etc. It's simply "I don't want to be married to this person anymore". No so, his lies will not be taken into account in any financial settlement if that's what you're asking. Nor will he have to stand up in court and acknowledge his behaviour.

As far as whether or not abuse is considered in the financial settlement or not, that's complicated. Usually not, but there can be extreme circumstances in which it is. But there must be documentation from the police or other recognized DV agencies. You saying it happened won't be enough.

As a PP mentioned, the issue of child access may be affected, but again, there must be documented proof. And IIRC there must have been incidents involving and/or witnessed by the child.

You really need to speak to a solicitor to know if what you've experienced will be taken into account.

LOL. Even if he had told the truth, you were ok with a man leaving his pregnant wife for yoy? Jesus wept.

No, it won't make a difference in court.

While I agree that he is a liar, cheat and idiot, you also need to own your part in this mess.

“We’re not together anymore, we’re just living together while we sort things out” is one of the oldest lies in the book.

You chose to get involved with a man who was in a messy situation where he was still living with his “ex” who was pregnant and yet you decided that’s the situation you want to get involved in and have a baby? You should not be getting involved with such a man until there is a clean clear break and preferably after some time so it’s clear that they have both moved on. Yes he love-bombed you but you also saw all the red flags and messy situation and dove right in.

You seem to be looking for ways to hurt him in revenge through the courts, but your priority should be focusing on how you can move on with your child. As others have said the court will be looking to split assets and decide what is best for the child not punish him for lying and cheating.

What are you hoping the courts will do to punish him? Give you sole access to the child? Give you a larger share of assets as punishment for his cheating? Jail him?

You get your revenge - if that’s what you want - by dusting yourself off and making a good life for yourself without him. You get closure by accepting what happened, including your own part in it. You will never get it from him, or from any “acknowledgement”. Either he acknowledges what he did or he doesn’t. No third party pronouncement (such as a court finding, which will never occur as part of any divorce, financial or childcare proceedings) would make a difference to that anyway.

Therapy can be very helpful in resolving difficult feelings at the end of a relationship. I know, I’ve been there. I now get on well with my ex (who cheated on and left me for a friend) and we co-parent well. Has she ever acknowledged that she cheated on me, broke me to the point I thought I’d never get back up, and caused me to lose my home? No. I managed to accept it and move on and I have a good life now. You can do the same. Everything you need for that is within you.

@WhatHaveIDone889
I had known him for years, thought I knew him. He told me he’d slept with her once, that she wasn’t his girlfriend.

Bits of the truth came out after my girls were born and he started treating me poorly.

Thank you for your replies, I guess it’s just a case of seeing the solicitors and going from there. He once again manages to avoid taking responsibility for his actions.

I think people are unclear as to what form you think that ‘taking responsibility’ should take, in terms of the divorce? What outcome are you looking for? Is it just that you want him to get a telling off from the judge? I don’t think that would actually mean he was ‘taking responsibility’, he’d just ignore it.
So do you want him to be punished somehow? And if so, in what form? Financially?

I think I just want him to acknowledge his behaviour, which isn’t going to happen.

I want people to know how horrifically he treats other people.

I want someone who doesn’t know either of us to be presented with the facts and acknowledge what a dickhead he is.

I don’t know, it just feels unfair that he’s allowed to continue behaving this way.

I think everyone here acknowledges that he's a dickhead but sadly it's not against the law.

Most dickheads get away with being dickheads their entire lives. All you can do is remove yourself from the situation.
The judge is just there to end the marriage, not to listen to all of the grievances and come to a conclusion as to who was at fault. Imagine how long that would take for every single divorce?

The advice to manage your own feelings about this is the healthiest thing for you. If you make your happiness dependent on his downfall/humiliation you will never move on.

Recognise your part in this. Naive? Willing to overlook the bleeding obvious that another woman and child were affected by your relationship with him? You have a part to play here. I'm not trying to punish you, but unless you accept your weakness in being with him here, you could do this again. Be better, be stronger. That means examining yourself. Hundreds of men are like this. Don't allow it. That means changing you, not him

Divorce isn’t an adversarial criminal case. Unless your financial and or child arrangements are complex, you won’t go in person to family court. It is a paper exercise. There isn’t a guilty party and there isn’t a summing up apportioning blame.
I have divorced a manipulative violent liar. My best advice is to not look back. Don’t look to do anything negative or it will eat you up. Hold you head high and move forward.

Honestly, it really doesn’t. I know somebody who nearly killed his wife literally had her by the throat hanging out of a window fully intended for her to die.
He still got 50-50 of the assets And see’s the children as when he can be bothered.
Whether they nearly murdered the mother or not, apparently there’s no reflection on them as a father

I think I’m probably angry at myself for believing him too. I expected him to be like me and be honest, especially given id known him such a long time already.

I just feel like he’s ruined my life

Have you seen a solicitor OP.
Going to court is very expensive. I was advised to avoid it if possible.
I appreciate it may be necessary but in many cases the divorce is completed online, a consent order (outlining asset split & ongoing payments drafted by solicitors), both approved in court with no presence of the couple required. If you go down this route you have to negotiate & agree between yourselves how to split any money and who looks after the children when. A mediator can be employed for the negotiations but isn’t necessary.
You have been treated very badly but you need to put that to one side and focus on fighting for what you want re assets (if there are any) and the DC.

Court will be necessary, he went through it with his ex.

I will see a solicitor

It isn’t fair, but the courts absolutely do not police behaviour until it crosses over the well defined line to become criminal or unlawful. If you think about it practically that is the only way they could possibly work.

I’m sorry you are going through this, please do focus on your own future. People who treat everyone badly generally do pay for it in the end, but you are not going to be the one to achieve that and you would most likely waste your own life and happiness trying. The best revenge is a life well lived 💕