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Original poster

Partner investing in property without me?

72 replies

R0o · 25/05/2025 23:02

Hiya,

I need an outsiders point of view as to whether I need to get a grip or that I’m in my right to be livid about mine and DPs current argument.

Been with my partner for 9 years (engaged) with 2 kids, 5 and 2.
He’s on 50K+ more than me and we split the mortgage and bills accordingly - which we are both fine with. Everything else after that is our own money and we have our own savings although mines diabolical.

Partner has been saying for a while that he wants to go into property so HE can retire earlier. I say he, as when we’ve had this discussion before about pensions (we both work for the same company with a great pension scheme, but his is doing a lot better than mine due to his higher earnings and percentage he puts in) he has practically laughed in my face about us retiring at the same time, due to mine not matching his numbers.

Anyway, he’s now serious into getting his first property to buy, do a bit on then sell. He’s set up a limited business company and has started viewing some.
So I bought up last night after it dawned on me, that I have absolutely no role or benefit in this whatsoever. I’ve not got any savings, and my partner basically said if I haven’t got my share then I’m not in.
We had friends (a married couple) round earlier and my partner bought up the property situation and it was all “I’ve done this” and “I want to do that” and they ended up talking about the possibility of joining together the 3 of them to go into something. I sat there like a lemon. It was awkward af, for me anyway.
Our friends are married, the same age, have a young daughter too, and the female brings in a lot more than her husband. I know for a fact she pays for a lot more in terms of their home, holidays etc but whilst my partner was “I, I, I…” she was saying “we” constantly and I just felt so sad that they talking about each other in terms of a team and “of course they’d be going in this together”, and I’m feeling like I’m being left behind.

I’m not bothered about the house itself but the respect that’s lacking towards me - surely we’re a partnership? We’re meant to be getting married and isn’t “what’s mine is yours” and vice versa a thing anymore?

Partner says it’s not his fault I’ve not got a lot of savings, but then lists me on his pension and life insurance when he’s gone? I said bloody hell you want to share your financial side of things when you’re not here rather then when you are, you’re technically more valuable to me dead!!

I want to reiterate - it’s not about the money, just the way I’m being treated.

thank you x

OP posts:
MsTTT · 25/05/2025 23:05

you’re technically more valuable to me dead!!

That’s only if he doesn’t change any of this before he dies- you’re not married so he can easily change his pension or will beneficiary and you’d never know.

Let me guess- you’ve been engaged for years and years but he’s in no rush because “it’s only a piece of paper”?

Longhotsummers · 25/05/2025 23:06

I’d be very upset by this. He doesn’t see you as a partnership.
How long have you been engaged for? I suspect he will lose interest in getting married if he buys a property to prevent you having a share of it in the event of divorce.

PrincessofWells · 25/05/2025 23:08

I hope your property in which you live is in both names?

Nananananana80 · 25/05/2025 23:12

Surely you know this Is a dead end? He's told you clearly who he is and how he views you, question is... are you going to cut and run now, or wait till he's built the extra wealth that you won't see and been belittled by him. Get out now.

Original poster
R0o · 25/05/2025 23:14

We’ve been engaged for 6 years but tbh neither of us have been in a rush. Our 5 year old came along, we had 2 losses between her and our 2 year old and it’s just not being on my priority list.

Its strange as well because his mum and dad are a great example to throw in my favour - his mum has worked full time for as long as my partner has known, and his dad hasn’t worked for many many years due to a disability so does nearly everything in the house…. It works perfect for them but I’ve said surely he’d seen his own parents situation where his mum is bringing in absolutely everything to the penny but I can’t imagine she would ever do anything without her husband and it not being a “we” thing..

OP posts:
Original poster
R0o · 25/05/2025 23:15

Yes our house is owned by us both

OP posts:
Original poster
R0o · 25/05/2025 23:16

PrincessofWells · 25/05/2025 23:08

I hope your property in which you live is in both names?

Yes owned by both

OP posts:
Original poster
R0o · 25/05/2025 23:17

Nananananana80 · 25/05/2025 23:12

Surely you know this Is a dead end? He's told you clearly who he is and how he views you, question is... are you going to cut and run now, or wait till he's built the extra wealth that you won't see and been belittled by him. Get out now.

I’ve said this pretty much how you’ve said it… his wealth will only expand the gap we already argue about

OP posts:
Rainbowqueeen · 25/05/2025 23:20

I would either get married pronto or get out. Only you know which is best.

workshy46 · 25/05/2025 23:26

It’s ultimatum time .. marriage or it’s over or else your money will be spent on day to day expenses with nothing to show for it while his will go to building his assets which are in his name entirely. You take the brunt of the child care which means your career will always take a back seat which in turns leads to limited career advancement. If he won’t marry you , it tells you everything you need to know. You have sleep walked into this situation so time to wake up. Problem is now you have limited bargaining chips but at least you will know either way how he sees your long term future and you can make a decision based on that.

Okrr · 25/05/2025 23:27

He has the benefits of a wife. I really doubt he will marry now. Probably will put the brakes on it or want a a pre-nup. Tbh I can see things from his point of view. Women in his position would be advised on MN to either not marry or protect themselves with a pre-nup. I guess the only difference is that op bears the risks of having children and career curtailment

healthybychristmas · 25/05/2025 23:32

I wouldn't marry him. He doesn't see you as an equal. He feels more equal to the couple than he does to you. The one thing you need for a successful marriage is for you both to be a partnership. He's a sole trader and has no respect for you.

BeepbeepEmilysholidayfundBeepbeep · 25/05/2025 23:44

Do you work part time OP? Is he doing his share of childcare? If you’re not working full time, you probably should and he steps up. It would really piss me off if you are facilitating his career advancement at the expense of your own and then he’s treating you with such little respect.

Poonu · 25/05/2025 23:44

If you're sure you're getting married then no problem it will automatically be half yours.

Poonu · 25/05/2025 23:45

See he hasn't lied to you, I mean he's been perfectly honest so your situation is down to you

midlandsmummy123 · 25/05/2025 23:45

He doesn't see himself as your partner.

roseymoira · 26/05/2025 00:14

As someone else has said, either get married asap or leave. Presumably you had maternity leaves? Impacting your earning potential.

YabbaDabbaDooooo · 26/05/2025 00:22

He's already got a 'wife' so I cant imagine someone so money-minded wanting to make it legal.

If he really wanted to get married, he'd have been pushing for it 9 years ago.

I suggest you test this theory by suggesting a nice, very small registry office wedding to take place in a few months.

Sorry but I'm not holding my breath Flowers

Nananananana80 · 26/05/2025 00:33

R0o · 25/05/2025 23:17

I’ve said this pretty much how you’ve said it… his wealth will only expand the gap we already argue about

Show quote history

It will. I'm sorry you've found yourself in this position but don't waste anymore time on him. XX

NotMe1981 · 26/05/2025 00:33

Yeah he sounds like an arsehole! You’re the mother of his children but that doesn’t count for anything. I would say to him it’s either get married, like, NOW, or you’re off. You aren’t left with many bargaining chips but one you do have is the rest of your life and what you choose to do with it.

EmeraldRoulette · 26/05/2025 00:44

@R0o you say you weren't in a rush to get married yourself

so if you want all the legal stuff that comes with it...you should have cracked on.

also I don't understand the pension comment. Maybe he can retire earlier than you.

and could you have saved more?

you aren't married so your £ plans should factor that in.

Ablondiebutagoody · 26/05/2025 09:05

Why stress over all this? It won't matter once you are married

Chiseltip · 26/05/2025 09:14

R0o · 25/05/2025 23:14

We’ve been engaged for 6 years but tbh neither of us have been in a rush. Our 5 year old came along, we had 2 losses between her and our 2 year old and it’s just not being on my priority list.

Its strange as well because his mum and dad are a great example to throw in my favour - his mum has worked full time for as long as my partner has known, and his dad hasn’t worked for many many years due to a disability so does nearly everything in the house…. It works perfect for them but I’ve said surely he’d seen his own parents situation where his mum is bringing in absolutely everything to the penny but I can’t imagine she would ever do anything without her husband and it not being a “we” thing..

🙄

You really do need to switch on OP.

Why did you have two kids with a man who doesn't want to marry you, commit financially to you or is invested in any way in your future?

Yet another "oh, marriage is just a piece of paper". Well, no, it isn't. It's like saying an employment contract, you know, the legal document that states your terms and conditions of employment, is "just a piece of paper". You wouldn't take a minimum wage job without signing a contract, but when it comes to serious stuff, like kids and houses and your financial security . . . nah! fuck it!

If your relationship ends, you have very little rights to anything. A few quid maintenance if you get primary custody. That's it.

HarryVanderspeigle · 26/05/2025 09:15

Are you working part time? If so, you need to make sure that the savings in childcare are taken into account in the finance split and pay additional contribution to your pension, so you make up to full time contributions, irrespective future you is being actively disadvantaged.

If you are getting married, any property he owns before the marriage might not be counted as marital assets. If he then sells and reinvest, they would. You really need to decide how much marriage means to you, as it seems you are the one taking the risks.

I am not married, but we both have similar earning potential, so there isn't the same issue.

maddening · 26/05/2025 09:20

Get married imo

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