Partner investing in property without me?

[R0o]

Hiya,

I need an outsiders point of view as to whether I need to get a grip or that I’m in my right to be livid about mine and DPs current argument.

Been with my partner for 9 years (engaged) with 2 kids, 5 and 2.
He’s on 50K+ more than me and we split the mortgage and bills accordingly - which we are both fine with. Everything else after that is our own money and we have our own savings although mines diabolical.

Partner has been saying for a while that he wants to go into property so HE can retire earlier. I say he, as when we’ve had this discussion before about pensions (we both work for the same company with a great pension scheme, but his is doing a lot better than mine due to his higher earnings and percentage he puts in) he has practically laughed in my face about us retiring at the same time, due to mine not matching his numbers.

Anyway, he’s now serious into getting his first property to buy, do a bit on then sell. He’s set up a limited business company and has started viewing some.
So I bought up last night after it dawned on me, that I have absolutely no role or benefit in this whatsoever. I’ve not got any savings, and my partner basically said if I haven’t got my share then I’m not in.
We had friends (a married couple) round earlier and my partner bought up the property situation and it was all “I’ve done this” and “I want to do that” and they ended up talking about the possibility of joining together the 3 of them to go into something. I sat there like a lemon. It was awkward af, for me anyway.
Our friends are married, the same age, have a young daughter too, and the female brings in a lot more than her husband. I know for a fact she pays for a lot more in terms of their home, holidays etc but whilst my partner was “I, I, I…” she was saying “we” constantly and I just felt so sad that they talking about each other in terms of a team and “of course they’d be going in this together”, and I’m feeling like I’m being left behind.

I’m not bothered about the house itself but the respect that’s lacking towards me - surely we’re a partnership? We’re meant to be getting married and isn’t “what’s mine is yours” and vice versa a thing anymore?

Partner says it’s not his fault I’ve not got a lot of savings, but then lists me on his pension and life insurance when he’s gone? I said bloody hell you want to share your financial side of things when you’re not here rather then when you are, you’re technically more valuable to me dead!!

I want to reiterate - it’s not about the money, just the way I’m being treated.

thank you x

You acknowledge that you were not in a rush to get married. It’s the only protection you have now. I have no idea why women do this to themselves. There is no middle ground, you either build your own career and money and operate as a financially independent person or you marry and protect yourself. You are now in no man’s land, and yes he’s an asshole but YABU.

Can you ramp up on your career at all ?

I would make very sure every single thing at home is shared.
He plans shops and cooks. He buys birthysa presents for kids parties, rsvps and takes kid to party. He hoovers,
changes sheets and cleans bathrooms.
he tidies, he files, he checks school newsletters. He doesn’t get to ride on your shoulders anymore with the unpaid work. Dc is sick? He takes a day off work.

I think you should get married, in order to protect yourself.

My DH buys property to invest in and they're in his name only. I can't be bothered to have to deal with the paperwork or have to deal with the additional tax paperwork. But I understand the feeling of lack of protection and lack of feeling like a team especially when he goes on as 'I' and the other couple refers themselves as 'we'. In my case, we're married so that affords me some protection. You have none.

And when he decides he doesn't want to get married any more but expects thingsvto carry on as they are?

If you want to stay with him push for marriage, no need for a big wedding just go to a Registry office and get the legal bit done
If he refuses then you know exactly where you stand

The reality is that if he's earning 50k more than you then he's been taking a hit on his lifestyle as he's subsidising you. If you earnt the same as him then either his share of the bills would be less and he'd have a lot more disposable income, or you would be able to live in a more expensive house. So right now you are benefitting from his higher salary and he is losing out due to your lower salary.

Salaries aren't handed out randomly, if he's on £50k more than it's likely he will be working under more pressure, doing longer hours and have had to put in a lot more work to get to that point. Why should he have to do that forever? Highly paid positions generally come with a lot of stress, it's perfectly reasonable for him to look for an exit strategy for that.

If this was the reverse situation with the woman earning £50k more then the responses on this thread would be very very different

And what about the children? And her career breaks to have them?

When we got married the money became ours. So it was all ours when the kids came along. We have separate savings accounts but have the same financial family goals and do transfer the other money if needed. So I would be asking, are you going ever going to have family money, or is always going to be his and yours? Would marriage change that? I cannot imagine having a partner who wanted to retire and have a better financial lifestyle than me. That's not a partner. It's a boyfriend.

It's not really a partnership if you have different financial situations and prospects.

If your partner says it's not his fault you have less savings, he must have made equal concessions as you with career breaks and reduced hours to accommodate havings kids. Either way, if your partner is financially set, you could think about letting him step up with the kids now while you focus on your own career and savings.

I want to reiterate - it’s not about the money, just the way I’m being treated.

That sounds very noble but it’s easy to say when it isn’t you earning the money. Any woman on here who wanted to plan for her own financial security before that of her lower earning partner would be told to go for it and to protect herself.

If he doesn’t want to marry you, you know where you stand.

Encourage him to buy a property with a patio - or space to get one laid as needed

I would suggest to him you would like to have a registry office wedding before he invests in the property (you can arrange a big do later if that's what you want). If he's hesitant then that would have me reconsidering the relationship. I agree it's shitty of him to talk about just him retiring early. On paper my DH has a lot more investments that I do, but even before we married he always spoke about how he wanted us to retire early and that 'his' money is our money.

We don't have that information. We're the warning the same before children? Was he given the option to have a career break and have her subsidize him?

He’s on 50K+ more than me and we split the mortgage and bills accordingly - which we are both fine with. Everything else after that is our own money and we have our own savings although mines diabolical.

If you really are splitting all bills according to your income I just wonder why your savings are so diabolical. Are they actually so low or just low when compared to his?

Surely, in theory you should be able to save nearly all of "your" money. Unless, that is, there are some things coming out of your income that really ought to be joint expenditure - child care being the obvious one.

On the subject of children, presumably it is your career that has taken the hit from breaks due to maternity leave.

Have you mentioned to him that women’s earnings are dramatically decreased by having children? Did he take the same time off from his career for the children? What about if a child is sick, who stays home from work?

Does he do half the unpaid labour at home (childcare, housework) who carries all the mental load within the household, organises playdate, day trips, holidays, packs kids lunches and bags? If you didn’t have kids I could see his argument but women’s careers are usually impacted by having children and in most households women usually do more than their fair share of child rearing and housework.

If it was me I would implement a work to rule policy in the house (assuming you do more than half) and make sure that he does half of night times, half of each years sick days for kids and so on (if he hasn’t done any he might be on them solo for a while to catch up). I wouldn’t organise anything for the family until he has organised a few. See what happens when the unpaid labour disappears.

This. In the one hand, I'd be raging that he obviously couldn't give two shits about you, but if you can grin and bear it long enough to get married, I feel that'll teach him a lesson when you do eventually leave him. (Yes I know that's grabby, but he's a dick).

You need to focus on your financial security. You have no legal protections or status with this boyfriend, see all the differences between just being housemates and the legal contract of marriage:
https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/living-together-marriage-and-civil-partnership/living-together-and-marriage-legal-differences/

He doesn't see you as an equal. Anyone could guess from your OP that you have been engaged a long time and he's not bothered about getting married. He has set up a ltd company to keep you from any part of this, married or not.

She hasn't mentioned anything to do with housework and childcare, why are you assuming he's not pulling his weight with this?

Get married asap!! Then you can claim on his property when you get divorced as he sounds like a twat and doesn’t see you as a partner.

@R0o As an unmarried person myself, this is such great advice. Men often have the ‘ability’ to progress so well in their career because there is so little additional ‘noise’ or responsibility around them in their home lives. Often any work they do do is mentally beneficial and enjoyable for them! Like gardening, diy, disappearing for hours on end to get god knows what man tools and by the time they’re back their partner has pretty much done all the drudgery stuff, dealt with kids issues and bathed and popped them into bed. Also, often go straight from work to the gym as their jobs are always the more ‘stressful’ ones.

Its just so scary really how the GF/wifes own career just from these tiny subtle things but repeated over the years until it’s the expectation can make make it nigh on impossible to ‘catch up’ to where her peers salaries are. Like even on this thread someone is asking if OP can’t improve her earnings power but it’s just so much harder when she is left with all the family responsibilities.

So I agree with @Codlingmoths, time to get him to split that other precious resource not only money but time into making family life happen and not just carry on bearing the brunt and perhaps if possible try to improve your career expectations also. As your first step anyway. Your OH seems cold, clinical and self-serving. He doesn’t see the value you bring personally in supporting and enabling him to be the high earner he is. He certainly doesn’t act as though you’re in a partnership and I did feel quite sad for you feeling an ‘outsider’. Good news is you’re not sleepwalking here, your eyes are thankfully wide awake. He’s shown you who he is and hopefully you’ve listened ♥️

I fear that telling him how you want to be treated will be a huge waste of time and energy. He just doesn’t get it and probably never will. He just wants a little lady in the background doing all the grunt work while he gets to be the man.

The main benefit of being coupled up should be to share: finances, resources, emotional support, housework, diy, etc. It becomes even more important as you get older and there are also elderly parents and ill health in the picture. If you had a life changing diagnosis, do you think he would care and support you?

I suspect that this situation will only get worse as he builds his empire. For that reason, I would get rid.

Is the date actually set for the wedding op?

if not, I’m so sorry but he has absolutely no intention of marrying you and dividing’his’ assets.

I hope you are doing exactly equal childcare, housework, mat/Pat leave and admin. Otherwise he has shafted you to get children.

im sorry op, but if you were my dds or friend I would have advised you ‘do not under any circumstances have children with this man till you’re married’ 6 years ago.

My first reaction is that you need to be adding to your pension faster than you are. Therefore I would look at the maximum your work scheme allows you to add and add that to the shared budget/readjust your percentage split to reflect your 'earning loss'. (Bet you didn't make contributions whilst on maternity leaves with his children for example!)

But yes there is definateky a lack of respect going on there... and something you need to get to the bottom of. Do you both work full time / equally share the housework/kid load?