Partner investing in property without me?

[R0o]

Hiya,

I need an outsiders point of view as to whether I need to get a grip or that I’m in my right to be livid about mine and DPs current argument.

Been with my partner for 9 years (engaged) with 2 kids, 5 and 2.
He’s on 50K+ more than me and we split the mortgage and bills accordingly - which we are both fine with. Everything else after that is our own money and we have our own savings although mines diabolical.

Partner has been saying for a while that he wants to go into property so HE can retire earlier. I say he, as when we’ve had this discussion before about pensions (we both work for the same company with a great pension scheme, but his is doing a lot better than mine due to his higher earnings and percentage he puts in) he has practically laughed in my face about us retiring at the same time, due to mine not matching his numbers.

Anyway, he’s now serious into getting his first property to buy, do a bit on then sell. He’s set up a limited business company and has started viewing some.
So I bought up last night after it dawned on me, that I have absolutely no role or benefit in this whatsoever. I’ve not got any savings, and my partner basically said if I haven’t got my share then I’m not in.
We had friends (a married couple) round earlier and my partner bought up the property situation and it was all “I’ve done this” and “I want to do that” and they ended up talking about the possibility of joining together the 3 of them to go into something. I sat there like a lemon. It was awkward af, for me anyway.
Our friends are married, the same age, have a young daughter too, and the female brings in a lot more than her husband. I know for a fact she pays for a lot more in terms of their home, holidays etc but whilst my partner was “I, I, I…” she was saying “we” constantly and I just felt so sad that they talking about each other in terms of a team and “of course they’d be going in this together”, and I’m feeling like I’m being left behind.

I’m not bothered about the house itself but the respect that’s lacking towards me - surely we’re a partnership? We’re meant to be getting married and isn’t “what’s mine is yours” and vice versa a thing anymore?

Partner says it’s not his fault I’ve not got a lot of savings, but then lists me on his pension and life insurance when he’s gone? I said bloody hell you want to share your financial side of things when you’re not here rather then when you are, you’re technically more valuable to me dead!!

I want to reiterate - it’s not about the money, just the way I’m being treated.

thank you x

You need to get married ASAP.

If you do get married the length of time you've been living together will count as "marriage" in terms of dividing assets. So get married. If he won't then I'd leave him.

Why are so many posters on here obsessed by what the OP will get if they split up? They have children to bring up, splitting up should be the last thing on anyone's mind.

It doesn't sound like the man has any intention of leaving, he just wants a way of getting out of a well paid and probably very stressful job before he drops dead. Men live shorter lives than women so why should he retire a couple of years early if he's made some wise financial decisions. He's is already contributing way more to the household bills as well which is enabling the OP to take a lower paid and probably less stressful job.

The thing about getting married is that both people must agree.

He’d be crazy to.

OP, I’m not from UK so might be wrong but I thought UK limited companies need at least two Company Directors. If this is the case, who’s his co-director?

Because working, managing the house and kids single handed isn’t stressful.

Oh, I forgot… women’s work doesn’t count because it’s easy.

There has been no comment on the mans contribution to housework etc by the OP. You're just assuming that to suit your narrative

Gee, yes he should be allowed to retire earlier if he’s working full time, running a property empire on the side and doing half of all the house and kids single handed stuff.

He sounds like an absolute keeper. What on earth is she thinking?!

Let me guess - you met when you were earning roughly the same with similar prospects. Baby no.1 comes along, you take a year of mat leave and go back to a role and don’t take the promotions because it doesn’t fit with nursery drop offs. In the meantime he, without taking much responsibity for childcare, storms ahead of you in terms of earning. Baby no. 2 comes and the cycle repeats?

His world view of himself is that he is a fantastic,clever high earner with a sideline going into property. He just thinks you haven’t been working as hard as him.

The money is important because insofar as it is representative of hor much he values you and your contribution to the family.

Most couples at this point get married and pool resources because they
know that taking care of children is very hard, unpaid labour (regardless of what sex does the bulk of the childcare). I don’t think his views will change and once you give an ultimatum (which you should do) he’ll just switch around the narrative in his mind that you are a gold digger.

It sounds like he’s setting up a side business in property development. While, yes, that should be discussed, you aren’t married and therefore your finances are still quite separate. If it’s a limited company, it’s an entity all on its own. I think it would be very different if he was buying a property as a bachelor party pad or something similar with the intention of living there.

But if your current financial arrangements are such that he isn’t contributing enough to the household pot that you can’t grow your pension or are struggling, that’s an issue. As is the fact that you aren’t married and have no claim to the wealth that has been generated in your long relationship.

My Dh has a limited company through which all business stuff is managed. He makes more money than me and pulls money out for investments and to pay off our mortgage. But we are married and joint tenants on our house, so we both benefit equally from those decisions.

You're making a lot of assumptions without any evidence from the OP. He is paying more I to the household than she is, so she is benefitting from this. We've no evidence on what his contribution is to the childcare. Also, it's perfectly possible for women to have well paid jobs after children .

Maybe he sees it as a fuck off fund that women on here are encouraged to have

This.

You need to protect yourself and your dcs, and for you, that means marriage.

Tell him you'd like a small autumn wedding, just registry office. Covid got in the way but now the world is back to normal. Agree with him which date, get it booked in.

You're 'engaged' not engaged. Unfortunately only he is aware of that. Book a registry office date and tell him when it is. If he's happy to marry you, great. But he won't be.

You should prioritise getting married asap. Regardless of what he says, that is basically the biggest step that pretty much fixes all of this and makes it largely irrelevant.

I can share my perspective as it's quite similar - I met my (now) wife 4 years ago, I'm 7 years older and make a lot more money. I'm the more numerate one and in reality, plan our joint future, based on both our incomes/pension/savings. However, I probably still say "I" not "we" sometimes in similar conversations - just out of habit and having been separate and living as adults for a long time before I met her - and because we both do actually have separate assets from before we met. It doesn't mean I really look at things as "mine" and "hers".

Given you being beneficiary for pension and life insurance, doesn't sound like there's anything particularly sinister behind it.

But still, get married, and then problem solved.

His lack of concern for you having an equal life is a huge worry. I think you really need to consider whether or not he actually will marry you given the way he talks about things. Marrying him would be good for you financially and bad for him.

I get that he earns more than you, but I’m unclear why, if you are paying proportionally for mortgage and bills, he has great savings and yours are basically nonexistent.

By bills do you literally mean things you get invoiced for? Or does that include food shopping, children’s expenses and other living expenses? And if it doesn’t include all your household expenses, are you insisting those expenses are in line with your earning potential and not stepping up to cover expenses you wouldn’t normally consider given your own budget? Did you have to dig into your savings when on maternity for your two children?

Obviously you wouldn’t be able to save as much as him but you should have some money left over each month if things are proportional. Have you not been saving any? And if not, why?

It doesn’t sound like his behaviour is new, just that you’ve finally clocked on to the fact he’s prioritising his financial stability not family financial stability and you’ve maybe had your head in the sand a bit? You need to start thinking hard about how you can maximise your earning potential and financial stability, especially if until now you’ve been taking on domestic stuff in a way that has hurt your career and enabled his.

You’re making the assumption that he is paying more into the household.

No I'm not, the OP said they spit the bills accordingly to their income. Therefore he is paying much more than her already.

Surely it’s not much different to any career change plan? Except it’s almost better as he can have it up and running rather than have an income less period while he retrains.

so he leaves his current job and his income is now from the rental properties. It’s actually a fairly full on job now, it’s not an easy money watch the pennies roll in.

presumably if you’re set to benefit when he dies the properties will be yours. Or your kids.

if you want in have you spoken to him about doing it together? Or his ltd company employing you so you can also retire?

personally I’d stick with your own job and money. Dh has done something similar, I prefer my guaranteed paye and not having to faff around with books and tax returns, and dealing with contractors. He brings in his share of the income through it.

I think the issue is that he is doing this so HE can retire early. She said he practically laughed in her face when she suggested that they retire at the same time.

That doesn’t sound particularly nice or fair.

Get married asap. Anyone who is by some way the lower earner in a partnership is bonkers to agree to kids (and downsize their career, which I suspect you've done for childcare) without the protection of marriage.

You aren’t married and he doesn’t view your finances as shared, beyond meeting the costs of your home and children. His money is “his” and yours is yours but you have less than him. If/when you split up, he will take what’s his and you will have no claim on it and that is clearly exactly how he wants it.

Not an ideal situation to be in with young children. My advice is: make him do exactly 50% of all the childcare so that you can focus on advancing your own career and earnings. Also get married. Registry office is fine. If he stalls on that, you know why. Good luck.

He wants the wife work without the wife!!
He wants to retire and let you continue to work cause you haven't saved enough. This is totally one sided-his side. No use saying you shouldn't have children, cause you have. But you do have a choice now about what you can do now. Seriously look after yourself, money wise, any push back from him, point out your following his example. Childcare 50/50 , housework same , he has to pay out of his pocket for the 3.5 days worth of pick ups, housework, which would help your savings pot. It's exactly what he's done to you and use same energy, talk openly about how you are now looking after yourself infront of friends, charging him for all the extra work you do so maybe you can lead the same exciting life your partner has planned for himself. If he doesn't like other folk knowing how his life is supported, maybe he knows it's not fair. Women are conditioned to accept any crap, how dare we expect same conditions in a partnership! Be treated respectfully, and our futures protected