Another Wedding One

[YetAnotherWeddingOne]

I am getting married in 3 months time.

We originally planned a big white church wedding with over 100 guests.

And then my younger sister was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer. Unfortunately her prognosis is terminal. She has young kids. As a family we are devastated.

Due to my sister’s illness we decided to cancel the big wedding and instead have a small one at the registry office with just our parents and siblings. And are very much hoping my sister can still attend.

We notified all the guests and they have been incredibly kind and compassionate with the exception of one.

My best friend since secondary school has not taken the change of plans well.

She has yet to ask how my sister’s treatment is going. :(

And she is creating a fuss and sulking that she was not counted as family and so is no longer invited.

I am at a loss of how to reply to her most recent email about how could I not consider her as family! And she is reevaluating our friendship.

I am disappointed by her lack of support at this time but don’t think there is much point in saying that.

But I want to explain (in reply to her email) how both myself and future DH have had to disinvite our longest standing childhood friends who we have known for 35 years and also our cousins. .

Not one other guest has made a fuss. And only showered us with kindness.

i don’t have the emotional energy to deal with her drama at this time. I want to focus on my sister and family.

AIBU to find her making the change of plans all about her seriously disappointing?

I am also at a loss of how to reply beyond repeating that we have not invited any friends - including childhood friends due to the change of plans. And can not make a exception for one.

I just don’t understand her behavior.
If the tables were turned I would want to know how I could help.

Not sure what I am asking really. But just wanted to see if others find her attitude unreasonable or is it me?

Yanbu. Her attitude is appalling.

I’m extremely sorry about your sister. That is utterly tragic. Your friend’s behaviour is appalling; I cannot conceive of how anyone could be self centred enough to make this situation about themselves. She should be trying to support you, not give you grief.

She's a shit friend and a horrible person.
Her loss.
I'm so sorry about your sister. What an awful shock for her and your families.
Don't waste any more time or energy or thoughts on someone like that - situations like this can really bring out some nasty traits.

Shes being a cunt. I'm so sorry about your sister ❤️

Honestly OP I simply wouldn't reply. Silence speaks very loudly.

Her email is nasty at a time where you don't need anything additional ontop of a heartbreaking situation.

@Linked and @YetiRosetti
Thank you for your kind messages.
I know in my heart she is behaving appallingly. But was beginning to question myself.

I am at a loss of how to reply.. I can’t see how our friendship will really ever be the same again. I am godmother to her baby son. So it is hard to simply distance myself and walk away.

This is one of the most selfish displays I've ever heard of! I couldn't forgive her, to be honest. I could never think of her in a positive light again. So, for me, the friendship would be done anyway.

Don't bother to reply to her.

Dear ‘b’f

Unfortunately I have more pressing matters like supporting my sister and her children to give much thought to your childish tantrum. I’ve reevaluated our friendship and decided I don’t want to be friends with someone who cannot understand the magnitude of what me and my family are going through and instead makes this desperately awful time about them.

Or you could keep it simple - Fuck off.

Seriously though I’m so sorry about your sisters diagnosis. Cherish your time together and don’t give this friend a second thought.

Thank you to the other posters too.

I also think silence is probably the best approach. And I should not waste my energy.

My lovely figure DH also said just don’t reply.
She is not asking a question but stating her opinion so no answer is needed.

There is really nothing i can say that will make it better.

Don't reply.

Your silence will speak volumes and the friendship is gone anyway because you will never look at her the same again anyway.

Best of luck to you and your family at this terrible time.

I’m so sorry about your sisters diagnosis 💐

As a couple, you do what is right for you and your family.

Your “friend” is not a friend.

You don’t even need to respond to her. Cut her out of your life immediately. She has behaved absolutely appallingly. She does not deserve your friendship.

Sounds to me, like she’s a selfish self-absorbed clout chaser and is probably disappointed she won’t get to wear a nice dress, have a night on the piss and take instagram pictures.

Please do not give this horrible woman another thought. Focus your emotions on your sister and your family and the upcoming months. You won’t get this time back.

I hope your sister gets to see and experience your wedding day and you and your family have a lovely, intimate day. That’s what weddings should be❤

Agree with PP

I'm sorry you are in this situation and send your family best wishes at this difficult time.

I hope your wedding day goes off as planned.

This.

OP, my heart goes out to your sister and all of you at this desperate time. Be together as a family and please try to not allow the astonishingly appalling behaviour of this so-called friend to derail your thoughts. Be kind to yourself 💐

This is not something you need to give energy to at this time. I'd probably respond once, then be silent.

"We were disappointed to not be able to invite everyone we would like to our wedding. Our main concern now is supporting my sister and her family, especially her young children who are about to lose their mother. I'm disappointed that you aren't able to be more supportive and understanding at this difficult time and I agree that our friendship needs re-evaluating."

I'm sorry for your family's situation, that's awful news and presumably your sister isn't that old.
Your best friend is being hugely selfish. There are no words to respond to her, because she will take umbridge at any and all.
Your Future DH is right. A dignified silence is the best way to manage this.
Be with your sister and family, have as good a day as you can, and your friend can wait until you have emotional brain space to deal with her tantrum.

Thank you. If I reply I will definitely base it on your suggestion. Thank you for taking the time to help.

My only sister died of cancer when we were in our mid 20s. I'm two years older, our birthdays days apart. She was my best friend I'm still not okay and that's been over 10 years. I am absolutely appalled that a so called friend has behaved in this way. Do not reply. Do not even deign to give her the dignity of a reply. Focus on your sister. Focus on your love for her and your family. Some people show their true colours when this sort of thing happens.

One of my mum's friends for example, a really close friend, wouldn't visit my mum at all during my sister's illness. Actively avoided my mum. Once in a restaurant locally, saw us and ran (RAN!!) in the other direction. Didn't call mum, didn't speak to her at all in those two years my sister was going through treatment. The day, and I mean THE DAY my sister died she turned up at our door. At my parents house. Crying and saying she was distraught. I asked her to leave my mum couldn't even process what was going on. The funeral directors had only just left half an hour before with my sister's body. This woman, who'd actively hung up, ran out of a restaurant, crossed the street and turned away to avoid my mum and my sister when she was alive, had the audacity to turn up at our house the day she died crying about how upset she was. Insane. Some people show you who they are. This is one of those times for you. Do not engage with this friend. She is not deserving of it.

Also sending you so much love. To you and all your family. I'm so so sorry. Xx

She really isn’t a friend, or someone you need in your life. So no need wasting energy thinking up a reply. Just ignore.

I’m so sorry about your sister.

I am sorry that this is happening to your sister and your whole family.

Ignore and block the awful former friend. You don't owe her anything and you will be better off without this drama at this difficult time.

@Well1mBack

I am so sorry that you lost your sister and thank you for sharing your awful experience.

You are right in that it is at times like this people show their true colours. Both for the best and sadly for the worst.

I am truly sorry your family have faced such a terrible loss.

Some people can be terribly disappointing. I’m so sorry for your sister, and the situation you’re all in after her diagnosis. Focus on yourself and your family as you adjust to this new reality, and don’t give this waste of space another thought.

I am so sorry about your sister, and about you having to rearrange.

I have to agree with everyone else, your friend's behaviour is unbelievable.

I also agree with the majority that you should simply not reply. It is not worth your emotional energy right now. Focus on your wedding, and on your sister and any support you can give to her dc.

@Well1mBack in your example it sounds like this woman has some kind of trauma, going to such lengths to avoid such a difficult subject and then her reaction to the passing. I know it must have seemed crazy. But there’s clearly more to it from her perspective. (And I’m so sorry for your loss).

OP, no need to reply to friend. Focus on your loved ones. It’s such a shame your friend has behaved this way and you’ve every right to feel upset about it. Don’t worry about her. I’m so sorry for what you’re going through.

They do I'm afraid @YetAnotherWeddingOne . People show you either the best of themselves or the worst. It is an awful situation to be in but it does give a lot of perspective and helps you sniff out the bullshit a lot quicker and easier. Dignified silence is the way I'd play it. She isn't deserving of a response. Imagine trying to make the worst thing happening to your family right now about her. Selfish so and so.

This might be a silly thing to recommend; but we found nature programmes the most soothing thing to watch when my sister was terminal. We'd sit and listen to David Attenborough and watch Planet Earth etc and just hold hands, silently and just let the calmness of nature take away the grief. We couldn't as a family watch any other types of TV, it was weird; everything was a reminder of either death or bloody cancer. My sister was at peace watching them with me, it became our thing each night. That and board games!

Treasure your moments and focus on her and the family. Ignore this "friend". Not a friend! Just a selfish person.

Xx