Another Wedding One

[YetAnotherWeddingOne]

I am getting married in 3 months time.

We originally planned a big white church wedding with over 100 guests.

And then my younger sister was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer. Unfortunately her prognosis is terminal. She has young kids. As a family we are devastated.

Due to my sister’s illness we decided to cancel the big wedding and instead have a small one at the registry office with just our parents and siblings. And are very much hoping my sister can still attend.

We notified all the guests and they have been incredibly kind and compassionate with the exception of one.

My best friend since secondary school has not taken the change of plans well.

She has yet to ask how my sister’s treatment is going. :(

And she is creating a fuss and sulking that she was not counted as family and so is no longer invited.

I am at a loss of how to reply to her most recent email about how could I not consider her as family! And she is reevaluating our friendship.

I am disappointed by her lack of support at this time but don’t think there is much point in saying that.

But I want to explain (in reply to her email) how both myself and future DH have had to disinvite our longest standing childhood friends who we have known for 35 years and also our cousins. .

Not one other guest has made a fuss. And only showered us with kindness.

i don’t have the emotional energy to deal with her drama at this time. I want to focus on my sister and family.

AIBU to find her making the change of plans all about her seriously disappointing?

I am also at a loss of how to reply beyond repeating that we have not invited any friends - including childhood friends due to the change of plans. And can not make a exception for one.

I just don’t understand her behavior.
If the tables were turned I would want to know how I could help.

Not sure what I am asking really. But just wanted to see if others find her attitude unreasonable or is it me?

I think you're right, but it was just the worst thing though to do to my mum. She'd had a hard life, I think yes, something had triggered that reaction. Both my sister and mum were very hurt by it though.

Dear....

My. Sister. Is. Dying.

I am sorry you are only able to think about yourself at this time.

Yours.....

OP, I work in a wedding venue- and we've hosted these weddings; where dates have been moved due to illness. In my experience, these weddings have been full of tears and laughter; it's like everyone is knitted more closely together. And when someone cries, you all understand. But it is also becomes a time to share happy memories, laugh, take loads of photo's.

Your ex-friend doesn't belong there.

I’m so sorry to hear about your sister. This must be such a sad and devastating time for your whole family.

You are doing the right thing in rearranging your wedding and being very kind and loving towards your extended family.

It’s a terrible shame that your friend is behaving atrociously under these circumstances. However she is showing you in all awful Technicolor glory how utterly devoid of compassion and kindness and understanding her view is of this awful situation.

At a time like this you need to be surrounded by empathy and people who know how to behave even if they haven’t experienced anything similar. Your other friends have all shown their compassion but sadly the true colours of your friend are showing themselves here in an awful way.

You have much greater issues to deal with than this old friend who isn’t going to feature in your life going forward. She is selfish and utterly uncaring and unkind. Don’t reply and in time sadly unless a massive apology is forthcoming I doubt she will continue to be in your life.

I hope you manage to enjoy your wedding at this difficult time and wish you well. Please don’t waste your energy on someone who really doesn’t deserve it.

I would pick up the phone and give her a piece of my mind and never speak to her again.

Could it be that your friend doesn't understand why your sister's diagnosis means that you no longer want friends at your wedding and has taken it personally.

I m sorry about your sister, it must be a dreadfully upsetting time

i think your friend is showing that actually she is not a friend, anyone who is would understand, congratulate you, show understanding and support about your sister, and ask what they could do to support

i would get in first, I would go back and say you ar having a really tough time, which she obviously doesn’t understand or care about, you have reevaluated your friendship and are done

then block

I am so sorry for the devastating situation of your sister. My heart breaks for you.

Drop this friend like a hot potato. What a horrible bitch.

I'm so sorry about your sister. What an awful devastating time for your family. It sounds like you are doing the right thing for you in the circumstances.

As for the friend, I'd honestly tell her to fuck off and block her. She's an insensitive selfish cow and not a friend at all.

I've got trauma around this sort of thing and I know it's not all about me and can put that aside to support other people. To explain anything that might seem a bit odd, I am just up front with people. I tell them I have this trauma and how it might affect me, tell them if that limits my capacity to support in certain situations (because it's not actually support if I'm having a panic attack when they need support), and step up where I can. At least that way they can understand and realise it's not that I don't care but have my own challenges. Being able to support them 95% of the time and having them understand the other 5% seems kinder. I don't just run away and make them feel worse.

That's awful.

Message suggestion:
"All my truest friends have totally understood how stricken we are as a family and have accepted that we are getting through this awful time as best we can while we still have (sister) with us. You are the only former guest who is casting herself in the role as victim to intrude into our family tragedy. That tells me everything I need to know. Please leave us alone"

I can’t think of any reason she could possibly use to justify her behaviour. There have been some good suggestions on this thread, but honestly I probably wouldn’t reply, you can’t reason with someone who is being so ridiculous.

I hope you all have a lovely day and make some beautiful memories x

We have tried to explain that of course this is not the wedding we once dreamt of but feel it is the best solution. Our hearts are no longer in a big celebration especially as the future is so uncertain.

And we know my sister would be very upset if we cancelled due to her health. So we have tried to find a middle of the road solution.

Everyone’s replies have made me feel more at peace that I am not being unreasonable. Thank you.

@YetAnotherWeddingOne

I am so sorry, this is so difficult.

Your 'friend' is behaving very badly.

Please do whatever is right for your family.

You are definitely not being unreasonable. You are being very reasonable and thoughtful to revise your celebrations in light of the circumstances. I think this reflects your sense of priorities, and speaks well of you and your fiance and where you put things in your relationship. I think that bodes well for your future together.

Sadly I think the only person reevaluating the relationship will be you.

Your “friend” really should never have suggested that she needs to do so under these tragic circumstances. I simply cannot imagine anyone saying such a thing given your news. It’s utterly incomprehensible. Hence I would not dignify her inappropriate behaviour and comments with a response.

She has taken it personally. Because she's a selfish cow. It's not about her.

Is your friend normally so self absorbed?

What she should be doing is asking what help/support she can give you with cancelling and rearranging your wedding.

What the fuck?!

No!!!! What a horrific thing to suggest. Am genuinely shocked.

‘I am limiting my definition of family to people who recognise that my sisters terminal illness is extremely distressing.’

I'm so sorry about your sisters diagnosis.
Your friends email doesn't deserve a reply.
Silence is golden.

Do you and your “best friend” have close mutual friends? If so, I’d be inclined to forward her email to them, with a brief note explaining you aren’t going to be dignifying her tone deaf, self absorbed waffle with a response but each and every one of them can feel free to tell them exactly what they think of her.

Disgustingly selfish behaviour. Sorry about your sister, truly heartbreaking. I hope your wedding day goes as well as it can.

I'm sorry to hear what you're going through, can only imagine how hard it is.

While some of the suggested replies might feel satisfying to send, I would opt for silence now. Your fiancé is right, she doesn't need a response, she's made her feelings clear. Leave it at that and focus on your family.

The friendship may be irrevocably damaged, or it may recover. But nothing you say now is going to help, so better to let things lie and see how they come out further down the line.

Fwiw I think your decision on the wedding is wise - I really hope your sister can be there to see you happy. It may be bitter sweet but an intimate family wedding will hopefully be full of love and a special memory to hold onto.

I am so sorry your family is going through this. When my mother was dying, the guy that she overpaid to do her garden (whenever he fucking wanted) sidled up to me at the wake and asked what time “We” were going to the lawyers to have her will read. (Like they do on TV soaps). I was gobsmacked and pointed out that he wasn’t actually a member of her family and that if had been mentioned in it, he would have already been told, turned around and asked my DH to get him to leave.