Another Wedding One

[YetAnotherWeddingOne]

I am getting married in 3 months time.

We originally planned a big white church wedding with over 100 guests.

And then my younger sister was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer. Unfortunately her prognosis is terminal. She has young kids. As a family we are devastated.

Due to my sister’s illness we decided to cancel the big wedding and instead have a small one at the registry office with just our parents and siblings. And are very much hoping my sister can still attend.

We notified all the guests and they have been incredibly kind and compassionate with the exception of one.

My best friend since secondary school has not taken the change of plans well.

She has yet to ask how my sister’s treatment is going. :(

And she is creating a fuss and sulking that she was not counted as family and so is no longer invited.

I am at a loss of how to reply to her most recent email about how could I not consider her as family! And she is reevaluating our friendship.

I am disappointed by her lack of support at this time but don’t think there is much point in saying that.

But I want to explain (in reply to her email) how both myself and future DH have had to disinvite our longest standing childhood friends who we have known for 35 years and also our cousins. .

Not one other guest has made a fuss. And only showered us with kindness.

i don’t have the emotional energy to deal with her drama at this time. I want to focus on my sister and family.

AIBU to find her making the change of plans all about her seriously disappointing?

I am also at a loss of how to reply beyond repeating that we have not invited any friends - including childhood friends due to the change of plans. And can not make a exception for one.

I just don’t understand her behavior.
If the tables were turned I would want to know how I could help.

Not sure what I am asking really. But just wanted to see if others find her attitude unreasonable or is it me?

Such unfair sadness for your family.
Conserve your energy, Op.
You have real problems; your friend is juvenille to the extreme.
Enjoy your big day; hope your beautiful sister can be there.
Ensure the kids still dress up in their finery.

I think your best friend is probably genuinely hurt to be dropped from the wedding. Could it be that she sees you as ‘family’ (you are godmother to her child) and now she realises that you don’t view your relationship in the same way? I’d be devastated to be uninvited to my best friend’s wedding as I’d want to be there to support her especially given the sad circumstances. I would have kept quiet in the same situation but it definitely would have hurt. Not because I’m self centred but because I love my friend and would want to be there for her.!

of course, you friend would have been better advised given the circumstances to swallow the hurt and say nothing. And now she has voiced her view you will feel that her response is unsupportive and inappropriate- which you are also perfectly entitled to feel. But I don’t think she necessarily set out to hurt you. I think her response reflects her own view of your relationship which was not aligned with yours.

If I was going to reply at all, it would be a very simple sentence along the lines of-

My sister is dying Susan, how dare you make this about yourself.

She doesn't deserve anything more than that.

If she is egocentric enough to be even thinking along these lines, any exchange you have will be used as a way to draw your attention from your sister back to her.

I'm sorry you are going through such a hard time. Focus your emotional energy where it is needed, on your sister and your family, and put your friend out of your thoughts until you feel that you have processed the situation you are in as best you can.

If she really was a friend, she will still be there and will have come to your senses, and she will apologise and support you. If she isn't she was never a friend, just someone who saw you as a supporting role in her own life movie and will never accept not being in the lead role. You are better off without people like that in your life.

I’m so very sorry you are going through this.

I probably wouldn’t reply at the moment and leave it for a bit as I’d really want to think carefully what I’d want to say without forgetting anything. @PawsAndTails is something I would probably start with.

My heart goes out to you.

Firstly, I’m so sorry about your sister, what a devastating situation for your entire family.

I am currently undergoing surgery, 16 rounds of varying chemo, 10 lots of radiation. I have had enormous support from some people, people I wouldn’t really have expected in some cases. However, I have had two of your “friend”‘type reactions……. I am of course evaluating my life currently, including who I actually hold close.

I would also stay silent and withdraw, you don’t need this stress, you need your handheld and to be surrounded by people who love you at this time. She’s not that person.

I wish you and your family, your sister and children strength and love in the coming months.

Although I’ve just said to remain silent, I do think this one line may be appropriate. Perhaps calling her out, will make her think, although the friendship is ruined.

I am so sorry about your sister, I can only imagine how devastated you all must be. I honestly wouldn't even bother replying. She's shown you what type of friend she is if she can't put you first.

She isn't a friend, no friend would react like that.

I hope you have a fabulous day and your sister can both attend and enjoy the day.

Take some lovely photos of your immediate family.

Thats so sad, I'm sorry you and your family are dealing with this. In the circumstances, which I assume your friend is aware of, I would stop contacting her.

Your friend is the ultimate grief vampire she wants to be involved in your sadness like it's her own, I get that you are friends from childhood but I don't think your friendship can be the same after this, your husband is right you don't have to answer her email.

YADNBU X

Anyone who can think only of themselves at such a dreadful time isn’t a friend you want in your life.

Sorry about your sister, an awful time and you shouldn’t have to be dealing with this nonsense from friend, she’s upset of course she is, shes entitled to be upset but she shouldn’t of been so selfish to email this to you given the circumstances.
I would reply because I’d want it to maybe hit her how selfish she is being. I would just say what you said in your OP. Don’t have to jazz it up to be polite or anything like that just give her the facts.

Jeez, she sounds like a right spoilt brat! You need to tell her not to bother reevaluating the friendship as there no longer is one!.
So sorry about your sister.