Giving 2 year old fizzy drink and some other gripes of mine

[annoyed39]

Let me start by saying I’m 27 weeks pregnant and I’m open to all opinions, I’m not sure if this is hormonal or if I’m justified in my reaction.

Went out for dinner yesterday with MIL, FIL, DH & 2 year old DD. Looked at DD and MIL was giving her coke from her glass, I immediately said “no don’t give her dizzy drinks please”, she replied with “it’s just a little it won’t hurt” DD then shouting for more and wouldn’t take her drink, only wanted MIL’s
coke. DH backed me up and said no fizzy drinks.

I went to use the toilet, came back to table and MIL obviously didn’t realise I was stood behind her and AGAIN she was giving DD coke. I just saw red and said “I’m her mum, I’ve told you no now stop” I spoke to her like a child who wasn’t listening. She immediately said “oh sorry it was just the bottom bit mixed with ice”, I explained I didn’t care I didn’t want her having it. (DH had gone to use toilet as well so wasn’t present at the time) and came back to me saying this. He asked what’s happened and his Mum said “annoyed39 is upset because I let DD have the watery coke” again, he backed me up and said that we’ve said no and that’s the end of it. She spent the rest of the meal in silence sulking.

I was neglected as a child, I was given full fat coke to fill me up to replace meals because my mum and dad were too drunk to cook for me. Luckily, somehow my teeth survived without too much damage but I do not want her having fizzy drinks at 2yo. I am not an “over the top” PFB mum, she has a few choc buttons a week for example, she loves some mini cheddars or Pom bears with her lunch.

More things that wound me up at dinner, MIL insisted DD sit in between her and FIL which is fine, means I can eat my dinner in peace and I spend every day with her, it doesn’t bother me that they want to sit next to her but again undermining me, trying to spoon feed her? She’s fed herself completely independently for about 8 months now, of course I cut it up but then she feeds herself with cutlery. I said just let her eat her food. DD was getting frustrated as MIL was holding her cutlery and was eating at the same time so she had to wait until MIL loaded up her fork and feed her. She ended up not eating her dinner because she was just getting impatient/irritated at waiting. DH told her multiple times she feeds herself, she said “she’s my baby I enjoy feeding her” at this point I was just ready to go home, I’d had enough.

She constantly undermines me, it’s like she likes to push the boundaries with me (again childlike behaviour). When DD was 9 months old and dairy intolerant (we have since completed the dairy ladder and she has grown out of it) she gave DD lasagne with mozzarella layered in it and cheddar melted on top. I only found out as DD spent the night puking what can only be described as pure mozzarella (when it goes stringy like on a pizza) and was screaming and crying with stomach ache. She had diarrhoea for 2 days and a rash on her face. I only found out as I asked MIL what she’d had for dinner and she replied lasagne and I said “dairy free?” And she said she thought she could have it cooked 🤦🏻‍♀️

What do I even do about all of this? Sit down and have an honest chat with her? What will it change as it’s pretty clear she disregards what my DH or I set out in our rules and boundaries? Do I go NC if she carries on doing this? Is that too much?

Has anyone dealt with similar because I genuinely want DD to be close to her grandparents, I don’t have any of these issues with my parents (sober 13 years and know that if either of them relapse it’s not an option to see me or DD any more due to my childhood, clear boundaries set) and they respect our rules. (My mum even called me the other day to ask if DD could have a yoghurt at theirs for example when I was doing food shopping and she was spending time with DD).

What do I do?!

I think you need to breathe and remind yourself that it was a little bit of watery coke by a grandmother overindulging her grandchild- not a neglectful parent replacing a meal.

You will find grandparents overstepping all the time. As long as she’s loved and their actions aren’t especially harmful I really wouldn’t sweat the small stuff - pick your battles. This could have been a lovely family meal and you turned it into something else by (in my opinion) making a mountain out of a mole hill.

I understand where you came from though and this wasn’t the first instance - The dairy thing is the battle I would have had - that’s insane.

What does your DH think, given it’s his mother?

I think not leaving her alone with your DD is fair enough given can’t be trusted to not feed her foods she allergic to. Your DH should address that directly - it will make her ill.

Regarding the coke… this would annoy me too, and I have had similar run ins with grandparents giving ‘treats’ that are completely unnecessary and inappropriate (and that they aren’t even asking for).

The general vibe here is IMO ‘I was a mother too and so I know best’ which I don’t think is uncommon in grandmothers, dismissing anything you do as just some modern fad, and seeing you setting boundaries are completely OTT. I have no idea how you address this as I suspect the talking to them about merely reinforces their view that you’re just being silly and they know best.

@Phonicshaskilledmeoff cant agree on the coke, it’s shockingly bad for teeth.

Totally unnecessary for a toddler who is probably perfectly content with water or milk.

That is really tough and I think you've been dealing with it really well. It's one thing to give one too many granny treats, it's another to completely ignore the child's mother with some sort of power game.

I know you've said your DH chimes in and backs you up but I think a good idea would be for the more stern conversation to come from him in the first instance? A private discussion with his mother to make it clear that you are both unhappy with some of her behaviour and why she needs to stop.

I think you're being a bit extreme. It would be different if she was regularly in charge of childcare, and its not good that she ignored your request.
However I think the request was a bit strict (understandable given your childhood, but still a bit strict)

A few sips of fizzy as a treat is different to her having it as her main drink, and also being fed at 2 by a grandparent as an occasional bonding thing is fine.

Our 2 year old will usually sit on grandpas lap when he's over for dinner and is fed, grandpa and DS both enjoy it and DS doesn't expect it from us and eats fine the rest of the time. It's just part of that special grandparent bond where they enjoy being babied.

Yes it is, but a couple sips with a meal are not going to instantly dissolve them.

I don’t think that the coke dissolving the teeth was the issue here- it was the lack of listening to the parent. But sometimes it’s healthier to loosen up and let things go.

The gran is a numpty. If not leave her alone with your kids. Fuck knows what she could do.

I’ve not got kids, but plenty of nieces and nephews and will happily back up my siblings if my parents do something they’ve been asked not to, which they tend not to do as my parents are great.

Im quite proud that as the childless “fun aunt” I’ve inadvertently picked up that all kids on both sides eat better when LEFT ALONE at a certain age. Stop asking if they like it. Stop asking if they’re going to try ABC. They usually get asked what they fancy eating, so if they’re not unwell and/or haven’t snacked, they’ll polish off their normal portion ! Why do grandparents want to sit over young kids aged 2-6 and stare at them when they eat?? Slice it, ensure it’s not hot, put the dip\gravy on the plate as asked and walk away. 😂

I think the first time she had the coke I’d let it slide, but the issue here is more that you specifically said no coke and she did it again. That’s just disrespectful and undermines you.

NC is too extreme, your husband knows his mum best and it’s his mum so I’d probably be asking him to speak to her.

I don't think you are overeacting at all.
Your MIL plainly doesn't listen to you or DH.
The lasagne incident was awful and a 2 year shouldn't be having coke.

Personally, i'd make it clear that she needs to respect your rules or contact will be reduced.

OP you’re not being unreasonable at all. I don’t have your background but even I would have lost my cool with anyone trying to give me 2 year old coke. Not only that, you asked her not to do it and she did it again. I’d be furious. I think it’s awful when grandparents disrespect the wishes of parents - and I have a fab relationship with mine.

I really disagree with some previous posters I think giving a 2 year old coke is ludicrous.
They have completely undermined you.
I also think it's ridiculous when grandparents won't let children do things that they can do for themselves.
I personally think no contact is too much but evidently they can't have her unsupervised and it can only be as often as you can cope with it.
At least your DH has your back which is most of the battle. He needs to say to the grandparents before you meet up next though that what the parents say goes and if they undermine you, you will be leaving.

Also the hypocrisy on Mumsnet is crazy.

As a mother you're hung out to dry on this forum if your child has ever sniffed a McDonald's, lest you be contributing to the childhood obesity crisis, but if you are a grandparent you can line sugar up like cocaine for the kiddies and noone can say anything because it's a special, bonding, treat.

I probably wouldn't let her have DD on her own, at least not yet. Continue reinforcing your boundaries.

NC is ludicrous though.

Imagine when your DD grows up and asks about her two set of Grandparents and you say "well Mummy's parents were neglectful drunks who ruined her childhood, but we've got a lovely relationship with them. We don't see Nanny and Grandpa because once when you were two Nanny gave you two sips of cola".

You do need to get a bit of a grip. Ignoring your rules re. the cola is bad, but not as bad as losing two loving grandparents.

(The lasagne one is terrible, but I'm assuming she learnt her lesson and never repeated it? I'm which case I'd put it down as a genuine mistake.)

The first reply is ridiculous. Fizzy, caffeinated drink to a 2 year old FFS? That is terrible.

And giving a child something he is allergic to is not small stuff. My baby alsonhas a dairy allergy and it is horrible to see them sick.

She's not a loving grandmother. She just wants some easy wins to tell herself that the child loves her grandma. I would have taken her out of that chair and put her next to me.

And I would not let her unsupervised with the grandparents for a long time.

@NuffSaidSam as someone who has a child with allergies myself, let me tell you, it is not a genuine mistake. It's an older know it all piece of shit who wants to prove to the parent that allergies are made up and that they are just being precious. I know, I have some of these relatives too.

It does NOT come from a good place but from a deep seated superiority complex.

Imagine when your DD grows up and asks about her two set of Grandparents and you say "well Mummy's parents were neglectful drunks who ruined her childhood, but we've got a lovely relationship with them. We don't see Nanny and Grandpa because once when you were two Nanny gave you two sips of cola".

Indeed. Jeeze.

That's a lot to assume about a woman you've never met and have limited information about. I don't think having a child with allergies qualifies you to make sweeping judgements like that.

I'm sorry that your relatives have behaved in this way previously. That sounds awful.

You are not overreacting at all. Your MIL should be respecting your wishes. Giving coke to a 2 year old to drink is ridiculous.

I think the first sips you could possibly put down to being an overly indulgent grandparent with a poor understanding of how much sugar is in coke. The second time was simply ignoring your boundaries and was unacceptable.

I understand that she probably feels that your DD is growing too fast and she misses the days where she did need to be spoon fed. I feel the same with the younger members of our family. But part of being a loving relative is helping them develop the skills to be able to go out into the world and function without you. She needs to be able to go to school and cut up her own food. Could you frame it that MiL is responsible for encouraging her to feed herself? And telling her how clever she is when she does it? Point out to her that she wouldn’t have tolerated anyone undermining her decisions when she was raising your DH and that you want to work together to raise DD, not against each other. That way, MiL still feels like a much needed part of her growing up and DD doesn’t get regressed into babyhood every time she sees her.

And if it doesn’t work after that and she carries on doing things like giving her coke, then you can go mad at her, and tell her that you can’t trust her to do what you say is best for DD. And she can’t say you didn’t give her a chance.

@Phonicshaskilledmeoff its not ‘just some coke’. It’s completely unnecessary. Half decent people don’t cross boundaries consistently.

Regardless of what the GPs think, it's not their child. They may be more relaxed about things, they may think that OP is being precious, but that's her prerogative as the mother. They can think she's being silly and go along with it. I'm sure their own parenting decisions were important to them, so they should understand that OP's are important to her, even if they think it's silly. GPs should follow the parents' wishes.

I don't think you are unreasonable, giving a 2 year old coke is absolutely rediculous and it's not her 2 year old, you have given a completely normal and reasonable boundary and she doesn't think she has to listen to you.
I think your husband should sit down and talk to her and tell her that you are the parents and she needs to respect your decisions. I don't think it's NC worthy but I wouldn't leave DC with her alone.

I think the wider pattern of undermining is not OK at all and should be addressed in the long term. But I don't think this is the hill to die on. If you give her chocolate and sweets and processed garbage a few times a week what's the difference between that and a bit of Coke? I'm from a culture where we don't eat as much crap as in the UK (not acting superior; only for context) so to me the difference between fizzy drinks and chocolate is psychological. If you google the sugar amount it's very close.

You are absolutely not being unreasonable.

I don’t care what it was about: a few sips of Coke, or repelling from the roof on a zip line: you have said no, more than once and your MIL is ignoring you.
It’s not ok. You are DD’s parents and your MIL is being a dick and trying to pass it off as harmless.
The lasagne thing genuinely gave me shivers - I’m a parent of a child with life threatening food allergies and have also experienced family members not taking it seriously and the famous “a little won’t hurt”. If I was in your shoes, From that occasion onwards, I would not trust her to care for my child ever again. Not only is she showing complete disregard for your parenting choices but she’s also put your child’s health at risk by feeding her something she’s allergic to!!! What the actual fuck?! 😵‍💫😵‍💫😵‍💫😵‍💫😵‍💫