Giving 2 year old fizzy drink and some other gripes of mine

[annoyed39]

Let me start by saying I’m 27 weeks pregnant and I’m open to all opinions, I’m not sure if this is hormonal or if I’m justified in my reaction.

Went out for dinner yesterday with MIL, FIL, DH & 2 year old DD. Looked at DD and MIL was giving her coke from her glass, I immediately said “no don’t give her dizzy drinks please”, she replied with “it’s just a little it won’t hurt” DD then shouting for more and wouldn’t take her drink, only wanted MIL’s
coke. DH backed me up and said no fizzy drinks.

I went to use the toilet, came back to table and MIL obviously didn’t realise I was stood behind her and AGAIN she was giving DD coke. I just saw red and said “I’m her mum, I’ve told you no now stop” I spoke to her like a child who wasn’t listening. She immediately said “oh sorry it was just the bottom bit mixed with ice”, I explained I didn’t care I didn’t want her having it. (DH had gone to use toilet as well so wasn’t present at the time) and came back to me saying this. He asked what’s happened and his Mum said “annoyed39 is upset because I let DD have the watery coke” again, he backed me up and said that we’ve said no and that’s the end of it. She spent the rest of the meal in silence sulking.

I was neglected as a child, I was given full fat coke to fill me up to replace meals because my mum and dad were too drunk to cook for me. Luckily, somehow my teeth survived without too much damage but I do not want her having fizzy drinks at 2yo. I am not an “over the top” PFB mum, she has a few choc buttons a week for example, she loves some mini cheddars or Pom bears with her lunch.

More things that wound me up at dinner, MIL insisted DD sit in between her and FIL which is fine, means I can eat my dinner in peace and I spend every day with her, it doesn’t bother me that they want to sit next to her but again undermining me, trying to spoon feed her? She’s fed herself completely independently for about 8 months now, of course I cut it up but then she feeds herself with cutlery. I said just let her eat her food. DD was getting frustrated as MIL was holding her cutlery and was eating at the same time so she had to wait until MIL loaded up her fork and feed her. She ended up not eating her dinner because she was just getting impatient/irritated at waiting. DH told her multiple times she feeds herself, she said “she’s my baby I enjoy feeding her” at this point I was just ready to go home, I’d had enough.

She constantly undermines me, it’s like she likes to push the boundaries with me (again childlike behaviour). When DD was 9 months old and dairy intolerant (we have since completed the dairy ladder and she has grown out of it) she gave DD lasagne with mozzarella layered in it and cheddar melted on top. I only found out as DD spent the night puking what can only be described as pure mozzarella (when it goes stringy like on a pizza) and was screaming and crying with stomach ache. She had diarrhoea for 2 days and a rash on her face. I only found out as I asked MIL what she’d had for dinner and she replied lasagne and I said “dairy free?” And she said she thought she could have it cooked 🤦🏻‍♀️

What do I even do about all of this? Sit down and have an honest chat with her? What will it change as it’s pretty clear she disregards what my DH or I set out in our rules and boundaries? Do I go NC if she carries on doing this? Is that too much?

Has anyone dealt with similar because I genuinely want DD to be close to her grandparents, I don’t have any of these issues with my parents (sober 13 years and know that if either of them relapse it’s not an option to see me or DD any more due to my childhood, clear boundaries set) and they respect our rules. (My mum even called me the other day to ask if DD could have a yoghurt at theirs for example when I was doing food shopping and she was spending time with DD).

What do I do?!

Wow I disagree SO MUCH with this!

full support to you op

I’d be annoyed about this too. My children are 6 and 4 and we don’t allow fizzy drinks still, I’d be so cross that she’d completely ignored your request of no coke too.

Agree with the above - doesn’t actually matter what the specific thing was, but the pattern of never listening to you and always knowing better is problematic. It doesn’t matter if coke is good or bad or nothing… you said no, the end. Agree that grandparents often tend to spoil their grandkids when the parents aren’t around and buy them Lego or whatever. But deliberately waiting for a parent to leave the table at dinner just to do exactly what that parent already said no to is gross. I am sure she said something like ‘oh you can have a bit more now that mean mummy has left’ and that’s an awful message to give to a child.

I think you need to sit down, with your partner, when your daughter is asleep or not there and have a really serious chat. Leave aside the specific examples because she’ll just have 100 justifications about it being watery or whatever and focus on the actual problem. You are in charge, it’s your child, and you will decide the relationship she has with your kids in future. And if you are comfortable maybe explain why some of these things are so triggering for you - not that you need a reason!

I don’t think you need to go NC however a very clear ‘We as her parents decide what our child eats and drinks’ I’d honestly have said ‘No my child is sitting next to me’ then given your DD the fork/plate as usual so gran could see she’ll feed herself and under no circumstances would I be allowing anyone to give my 2yr old coke any more than I’d give some to my DGD if my DD said not to

'Let me tell you'

To be fair you sound no different to the people you are supposedly describing

I can’t provide any help as this is my parents. They kept feeding my 9 month old chocolate at Christmas when I hadn’t given them any yet and was trying to hold off as long as possible which super sugary items. I asked them multiple times to not give them any more.

I haven’t managed to stop them and they still undermine me all the time. We don’t see them that often which helps. If you see your PIL more often could you get your DH to have a chat with them? It’s his parents after all?

I really disagree with this, why is it ok for people to trample over parents boundaries.

If an adult said please take your shoes off in my house, or please don’t use the upstairs bathroom, or can you use plastic cups outside. Why would it be acceptable to say don’t sweat the small stuff and your making a mountain out of a mole hill if an adult went against this?

Let your MIL sulk as much as she wants when you are clear with what your child is allowed or not. Giving coke/fizzy drinks to a 2 year old is absolutely ridiculous. I wouldn’t leave DD alone with her in the future as you cannot trust her.

My older one is almost 8, doesn't like juice and has never had a fizzy drink. I realise that this is extreme, but I would be absolutely furious if their grandparents undermined a boundary I had set (I don't set many). I'm happy for grandparents to be generous with the sweets, chocolate, ice cream and cake, but the "only milk or water" boundary is one we've had in place from the start and now we have a child who prefers those and never asks for juice or fizzy drinks. If they're regularly given them from a young age, it becomes much harder as they get a taste for them.

The dairy thing is crazy and complete neglect and I would have been angry beyond words.

Yanbu

Its not about the coke.
Its the disrespect and lack of trust.

It's a simple request. Really simple.

I agree with this
I think your husband should sit down and talk to her and tell her that you are the parents and she needs to respect your decisions. I don't think it's NC worthy but I wouldn't leave DC with her alone.

You 100% need a follow up conversation because shes clearly cant follow simple requests.
She also wouldn't have unsupervised contact and I'd also try and see them on your terms non meal based settings (at your house, at the park etc)

I let mine have sip of coke from very young, they liked the taste and it’s saved them from getting dehydrated numerous times after a stomach bug.

I think the fizzy drink is a red herring here. The issue is they’re not respecting your boundaries and I would only allow contact under close supervision and DH needs to tell them why.

My 3yr old is allowed lemonade. Doesn't have it often. It's totally fine

It's not about the fizzy drink, it's about parents making decisions for their children to keep them safe and healthy and trusting that others will respect those.

I don't give my child juice or fizzy drinks but I don't judge others who do - I'm sure them have their reasons, they may have children who don't like water or it's an accepted treat in their family. All fine. But in exchange I expect my decisions for my children to be respected - they get lots of other sweet treats and don't need sugary or sweet drinks added to the list.

A little bit won't hurt her? Well, it will because it's addictive and will cause her to want more. You've already seen it with DD shouting for more and now not wanting her own drink.

I don't agree that it's fine as long as she's love and cared for. MIL is undermining your parenting decisions and indulging in her own wants. I notice the second time she gave DD the drink, DH just happened to have gone to the toilet.

You both need to have a talk with her, calm and reasonable, so she can't claim any misunderstanding or mistakes in future. Each time she does something, remind her and be firm.

I would do this for the meantime as think going NC is too extreme. Not only that, you obviously don't want to go NC but don't know how else to stop it.

Take no nonsense, OP. Keep your cool but be as persistent as MIL obviously is!

My children had a father who was totally addicted to coke, energy drinks then became his thing.He was obese , lost his teeth at an early age and suffered chronic ill health.Perhaps a bit dramatic but there's no way I'd give a toddler coke.

Except it's not like that at all.

It's about asking someone not to do something then them completely undermining you and doing it anyway - including in situations which HAVE caused harm.

It's effectively a safeguarding issue.

You don't allow people access to your children who put them at risk.

They either get It, or you have to intervene.

Making out it's minor 'and just a bit of coke' misses the point and the complete lack of understanding about the fact about allergies and intolerances. These grandparents HAVE harmed their grandchild willfully and in a completely avoidable way because they were arrogant and disrespectful.

I'm completely in agreement with you. She is out or order. The dairy thing would have been no unsupervised contact and a big conversation about endangering your child if it was me.
I don't think you're being over the top about the dinner. Grandparent overindulged the child, fine, but both parents say to stop and grandparent does it behind their backs while they pop to the toilet... what else does she do behind your back?
I would be having a conversation without your child being there. You are the parents. This is about her repeatedly undermining you-some small and some big things.
If conversation goes OK then next dinner or meet up if grandparent doesn't listen then you get child to sit on your lap, or get your partner to swap seats with you child, whichever is best.

What, even though she kept doing it? That’s so disrespectful.

I didn’t expect so many responses!

There are lots of other examples that I haven’t listed that she’s completely undermined DH and I on.

I’ll list a few:

giving DD chocolate (not dairy free) on her first easter at 10/11 months old ) she’d never had chocolate and we’d said no.

Letting her lick/suck on a fizzy haribo at 6 months old

putting her in her friends car not rear facing, in an old car seat her friend had from when her youngest was a toddler (12 years ago) I had no idea she was planning on taking her out otherwise I’d of given her our car seat.

Letting her run outside in their garden without shoes on, she stood in dog poo that they’d missed when picking it up.

There are a few more examples.

I’m not sorry for giving her a few crisps and bits of choc a week, it’s not forbidden as I believe everything in moderation will lead to a healthy relationship with food, her little friends have chocolate animal biscuits etc and I’m not going to exclude her but I draw a line at fizzy drinks. We don’t even buy them to keep in the house, I might have the occasional coke at a pub or restaurant but on the whole not at all very often.

I agree that NC is extreme, I’ve just been stewing over her complete disregard of our boundaries. I know she loves her but I definitely agree that DH needs to have a very honest conversation with her.

The lasagne would have done it for me!! Your poor DD, I wouldn't ever leave DD in her care even if I was just nipping to the loo, I'd make sure DH was around.

i’m so shocked people believe that if it’s a little, it’s fine. Does it apply to cocaine, too? OP, you’ve said no and it’s your right to say no to anything you don’t find ok for your kid.

You want to go no contact because she once accidently gave your daughter dairy and a few sips of coke? Fucking ludicrous. I’d love my children to have grandparents, unfortunately they have all passed away. Your child is lucky she has people who love her. Keeps reinforcing your boundaries with the coke, sugar etc but bloody hell your being silly even thinking of going no contact for this. Ultimately do you honestly think she’s going to put your daughter in serious danger giving her some fizzy drinks?

Good for you

And brilliant that your DH stuck by you

Grandparents generally have form for this type of behaviour. Pesky, naughty oldies can be a bit of menace

I’m totally with op on this. You can’t shield dc forever but everyone at the very least should abide by parental food & drink preferences for the under 3s.

And of course everyone without exception should stick to allergy rules.

It’s not so much the drink itself (although Cocoa Cola is not good at all for anyone) it’s about respect and wanting to support the parent and not undermine their authority. Any grandparent with half a brain should know that raising dc and saying “no” to them is hard enough, without gps making it harder.

I just can’t fathom either why a gp would want to give a two year old a processed fizzy, sugary processed drink containing caffeine? It’s selfish behaviour! Like people who over-feed a dog!

Without getting too joyless about it, I reckon it’s because they want that child or animal to like them and have very little imagination or skills wrt making that come about!

I mean they are doing it to the extent that their need to be liked is over-riding what’s healthy for the dc, which is kind of back to front if you think about it? And it’s about having that power and control too! I’d be livid if it was my child.