Giving 2 year old fizzy drink and some other gripes of mine

[annoyed39]

Let me start by saying I’m 27 weeks pregnant and I’m open to all opinions, I’m not sure if this is hormonal or if I’m justified in my reaction.

Went out for dinner yesterday with MIL, FIL, DH & 2 year old DD. Looked at DD and MIL was giving her coke from her glass, I immediately said “no don’t give her dizzy drinks please”, she replied with “it’s just a little it won’t hurt” DD then shouting for more and wouldn’t take her drink, only wanted MIL’s
coke. DH backed me up and said no fizzy drinks.

I went to use the toilet, came back to table and MIL obviously didn’t realise I was stood behind her and AGAIN she was giving DD coke. I just saw red and said “I’m her mum, I’ve told you no now stop” I spoke to her like a child who wasn’t listening. She immediately said “oh sorry it was just the bottom bit mixed with ice”, I explained I didn’t care I didn’t want her having it. (DH had gone to use toilet as well so wasn’t present at the time) and came back to me saying this. He asked what’s happened and his Mum said “annoyed39 is upset because I let DD have the watery coke” again, he backed me up and said that we’ve said no and that’s the end of it. She spent the rest of the meal in silence sulking.

I was neglected as a child, I was given full fat coke to fill me up to replace meals because my mum and dad were too drunk to cook for me. Luckily, somehow my teeth survived without too much damage but I do not want her having fizzy drinks at 2yo. I am not an “over the top” PFB mum, she has a few choc buttons a week for example, she loves some mini cheddars or Pom bears with her lunch.

More things that wound me up at dinner, MIL insisted DD sit in between her and FIL which is fine, means I can eat my dinner in peace and I spend every day with her, it doesn’t bother me that they want to sit next to her but again undermining me, trying to spoon feed her? She’s fed herself completely independently for about 8 months now, of course I cut it up but then she feeds herself with cutlery. I said just let her eat her food. DD was getting frustrated as MIL was holding her cutlery and was eating at the same time so she had to wait until MIL loaded up her fork and feed her. She ended up not eating her dinner because she was just getting impatient/irritated at waiting. DH told her multiple times she feeds herself, she said “she’s my baby I enjoy feeding her” at this point I was just ready to go home, I’d had enough.

She constantly undermines me, it’s like she likes to push the boundaries with me (again childlike behaviour). When DD was 9 months old and dairy intolerant (we have since completed the dairy ladder and she has grown out of it) she gave DD lasagne with mozzarella layered in it and cheddar melted on top. I only found out as DD spent the night puking what can only be described as pure mozzarella (when it goes stringy like on a pizza) and was screaming and crying with stomach ache. She had diarrhoea for 2 days and a rash on her face. I only found out as I asked MIL what she’d had for dinner and she replied lasagne and I said “dairy free?” And she said she thought she could have it cooked 🤦🏻‍♀️

What do I even do about all of this? Sit down and have an honest chat with her? What will it change as it’s pretty clear she disregards what my DH or I set out in our rules and boundaries? Do I go NC if she carries on doing this? Is that too much?

Has anyone dealt with similar because I genuinely want DD to be close to her grandparents, I don’t have any of these issues with my parents (sober 13 years and know that if either of them relapse it’s not an option to see me or DD any more due to my childhood, clear boundaries set) and they respect our rules. (My mum even called me the other day to ask if DD could have a yoghurt at theirs for example when I was doing food shopping and she was spending time with DD).

What do I do?!

Or, it comes from an older generation who don’t have the knowledge modern parents do. My daughter was intolerant to dairy and when I discussed with my mum how I was finding it hard to get weight in her because the fall back of cheese and milk to pack the weight on growing toddlers weren’t available to us, she said “but she can have it cooked, can’t she?” It is, in fact, true that cooked dairy produces are often better tolerated than raw.

Sge fed her dairy more than once? Just that alone she would not be left alone with my kid. Once is an accident, more than once she either doesn't care or thinks so knows better. Either way she puts her granddaughter at risk just because she can't listen to her parents. Loose cannon, couldn't trust her.

PFB! I was like that with DS. By the time, we’d had twin DDs, we were much more laid back. We only bought DC Coke for birthdays and Christmas; but a couple of sips at 2?

We do know someone, who didn’t get fizzy drinks, takeaways or meals out as a child. Guess what - they have more soft drinks in their house than the average pub! Catering size boxes of chocolate lying about…Loads of takeaways - McDonalds, you name it. Sometimes, they are waiting for a Chinese takeaway and pop into the chip shop near by for a sausage on top! Don’t talk about the health impact, as they are a doctor!

I can't imagine either my mum or mil thinking it was acceptable to give a 2 year old coke.

I wouldn't go no contact but I also wouldn't let her have your daughter unsupervised for the forseeable future.

A few mouthfuls of a fizzy drink won’t have done your DD any harm as a one-off. But I would be annoyed that MIL hadn’t listened the first time you told her she wasn’t allowed. Same with the dairy - in fact I’d be fuming at that.

I wholeheartedly disagree. People will say that you need to pick your battles, but the point at which your wishes are ignored, with sneaky excitement, battle lines are drawn by MIL and if you aren't robust here, you won't be able to fight the bigger fights.

Just because MILs overstep regularly, doesn't mean it's acceptable and shouldn't be called out at every point it occurs.

This isn't about the coke, it's about your parenting decisions needing to be respected.

I don’t think your overreacting
however why does your DM have your DD - you said you were neglected as a child?

I found that when DDs had occasional fizzy drinks they didn't even like them until they were age 10/11 so it wasn't an issue. They would be the kids asking for water at parties 😆

MIL is still trying to get DD2 (16) to like San Pellegrino water😅

I should say DD1 does like fizzy wine, but she's 20 now...

Did you not find your voice when she said ' she said “she’s my baby I enjoy feeding her” '
she is NOT her baby

and as a result your child needs to be sat with one or even both of her parents for future meals, even if you are with her each and every day.

@annoyed39 for the sake of everyone's wellbeing, those grandparents only get supervised access when you and your DH are both there. Any attempts to undermine and you say "Oh, look at the time, we'd best be off." or something similar, and leave.

I had someone in my life who behaves like your MIL, and now that I no longer have them around my DC, life is a lot calmer and easier, abd I wish I had done it sooner.

MIL knows you and DH don't like what she's doing, and is doing it anyway. It's not good for your DD to spend time with people who undermine her parents as they will create unnecessary dramas that you don't need

And my DC was never given fizzy drinks and still won't have them even when given the option. So all children are different but it doesn't mean the right course of action is to give kids junk.

What it comes down to, I suspect, is self-regulation. I have one child who hardly ever finishes an ice cream and only eats when hungry. I have another who enjoys eating even when not hungry and I suspect will struggle much more with self-regulation. I'm not convinced that allowing certain types of treats in childhood will make it easier for them to self-regulate in adulthood.

Older people are not dim. My own parents had no idea about allergies but when I mentioned it they listened to me and also had a read about it out of curiosity.

And your own mother is the same. She didn't feed your child mozzarella, she asked you a reasonable question and had a conversation about it. Because she sounds like a reasonable, loving person.

Going behind your back to feed them cheese to prove a point is entirely different.

I have absolutely no idea why you're still seeing this woman. She's actually physically harming your child.

I think it sounds a bit like the idea of kids drinking coke triggers your memories of neglect. I'm so sorry you had to deal with that but a sip of coke isn't the end of the world.

If you don't allow it at home and on playdates etc then your DD won't be having it really at all.

You can put fruit juice very weakly diluted into fizzy water if your DD seems fond of fizzy drinks.

They don't need to be frequent or very unhealthy.
I do see that there must be a lot more to it when it comes to your relationship with these people though.
You don't feel listened to or respected. Which isn't cool.

I hope things can be resolved.

I would be really annoyed if someone gave my 2 year old coke, it's filled with sugar and caffeine.

If someone gave them a food they were allergic to and made them ill, I would be furious.

Honestly, I would supervise closely whenever she was around my child and step in immediately if she tried to give them anything they weren't allowed. She obviously can't be trusted to listen to what you and your partner say.

FYI, OP was referring to Coca Cola, not crack cocaine as that is the only “coke” that is a “safeguarding issue” and would warrant your “don’t allow people access to your children who put them at risk” advice. HTH.

First post nailed it.

What do I do?!

You pick your battles and this is a minor one. It’s Coke not crack.

. . . a grandmother overindulging her grandchild. . . oh please! The grandmother has been told not to give the child coke. It's really easy not to give a child coke. You can easily get the hang of it in about - 2 seconds? Not All Grandmothers Are Like This. Some of them treat the child exactly as their parents would like them to. It's easy peasy.

I don't think the coke or feeding your daughter are the important parts of this event. You were clear you did not want your daughter having coke or being fed but your MIL disregarded you. It would annoy me too, especially as her brand of "I know better" caused your daughter to be so unwell after the lasagne incident.

I would find it hard to trust that PIL had your daughter's best interests at heart when they disregard what you say so that they can enjoy being indulgent grandparents.

I think your husband needs to speak to them and make it clear that they will not spend unsupervised time with your daughter if they cannot respect your requests.

Christ shows how either jaded I am by people's behaviour or how messed up I am that I honestly thought this post was going to be about cocaine.

OP you are completely right to have a strict rule that your child should not be given fizzy drinks. This is good parenting.

Also you are absolutely right to feel undermined by your MIL and the way she is behaving.

Your reaction is totally normal, and I've been in that position in the past.

My response would be to never let MIL sit next to DD during meals times again. She simply can't be trusted and (I'm guessing) is too stubborn and old to ever consider changing her own behaviour.

As parents, our role is to protect children from the total shite that is produces by these billion pound food companies to shove down our kids throats. Coca Cola would love it if you 2 year DD became a regular coke drinker because they know she would then be hooked for life.

God knows what else your FIL would want to give your DD as treats in the future.

She an ignorant person and a threat to your child's progress. If DD gets a taste for something as sweet as coke at this young age, it will impact on her whole pallatte and have knock on effects.

My kids are around 10 years old and I've never bought them a coke.

The coke didn't save them.

They refused to drink water because they'd developed a taste for sweet liquids, because you as their wise and knowing parent, decided to give them coke.

You gave them coke because you drink 2 liters a day yourself probably.