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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think my SlLis a cheeky mare??

66 replies

noche · 20/05/2008 22:12

Just had a call from my SIL ringing to say she hadn;t heard from me in a while and we should arrange to meet up. I mumbled agreement as am a bit irritated with her and brother at the moment. Anyway she suggested a week end in June, I said it was Dd's party on the Sun, she said "oh that's Ok neices will enjoy that, older one can help, younger one can join in" I mumbled another "Ok". She THEN said "oh that weekend would really suit us as we have been invited to a party on the sat night so you could babysit all the girls-mine and theirs-while we go out" (they live 100miles away but party is near me).
Pathetically I said nothing as I thought I was going to cry. How dare she pretend to be coming to see us then just use me as a babysitter for their convenience? It's not the first time either-hence the irritation.
I really want to say something but don't know what-as is my usual dilemma if you have seen any of my previous posts!
What can i do? Help!!

OP posts:
Dynamicnanny · 20/05/2008 22:14

Call and say that you are restricted to numbers,

eidsvold · 20/05/2008 22:16

just tell her that it is not suitable as you will be very busy getting ready for your dds party. So sorry but she will have to find someone else to care for them - find her the contact details for a babysitting agency in your area and pass that on as well.

GoodGollyMissMolly · 20/05/2008 22:16

Ahhh SIL's you have my sympathy. As she lives so far away could you tell her the party for your DD has been cancelled and you have decided to go out instead so would not be able to babysit.

She sounds very selfish, My SIL winds me up as well. YANBU.

eidsvold · 20/05/2008 22:17

and yes - very cheeky mare.

As Dynamic said re the party - you could tell her numbers are restricted if the party is the issue as well.

DevilwearsPrada · 20/05/2008 22:17

Tell her to sod off! Sorry probably no help, but she sounds like a right one.

ThinWhiteDuchess · 20/05/2008 22:18

Even if this was the first time my SIL had done this, I would still refuse!! Totally, totally unreasonable imo. I don't know your circumstances, or your relationship with your SIL, but if I were in your position I would call her back & (without apologising) say can't do that weekend as you have too much on with DD's party.

Bang out of order on your SIL's part and absolutely no way should you dumped on in this way.

bran · 20/05/2008 22:20

So the whole 'lets meet up' thing was a set-up from the start to get you to baby-sit?

I think you should phone your brother and say that you've spoken to your dh and you're sorry but you won't be able to baby-sit as . Better still, leave a message on their answer phone in a breezy manner. "So sorry, we won't be able to keep the girls on xx. DH just reminded me that we have a previous engagement that evening."

bran · 20/05/2008 22:22

Is you SIL expecting to stay with you too (probably waking you all up in the early hours when they come in)? Or will they go all the way home and come back the next day for their DC?

CarGirl · 20/05/2008 22:23

what bran said, or some excuse to that effect.

Original poster
noche · 20/05/2008 22:27

Expecting to stay-even though there is no spare bed! tried to use that one as an excuse but it didn't work!This is another example in a very long list of similar behavior, Ijust so want to stop her trying to manipulate me. I know it's got to come from me and I really want to think of the ultimate asseretive statement that says "stop treating me like this it is bloody unreasonable" only more eloquent....

OP posts:
cat64 · 20/05/2008 22:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

MARGOsBeenPlayingWithMyNooNoo · 20/05/2008 22:29

Or if you don't do as Bran suggests don't answer the door when she arrives on the arranged weekend.

Original poster
noche · 20/05/2008 22:35

I don't thnk the issue of their ages is relevant, it's just the fact that she regularly manipulates me into having their kids when it suits them and i feel really offended at being taken for a pratt again. I have to find a way to stand up to her or she will just keep doing it and then I will feel crap. I feel used-it's not about seeing me at all, it's about them having a babysitter. I'm on my own too and could really do with the company of an evening. I spend every bloody night of the week at home with DD in bed.

OP posts:
WanderingTrolley · 20/05/2008 22:38

I think you'll find dh is taking you out that evening, and your regular babysitter won't babysit children she doesn't know. Also, the babysitter is going to stay on the sofa, so there's no room for anyone else.

Then suggest you visit them in August, or you get together halfway.

controlfreakyagain · 20/05/2008 22:41

i think you need to learn the maxim "never aplogise, never explain" and use it with people like this. phone her back and just tell her calmly but clearly that now you have had a chance to think about her request (after all that is what it was) her plans dont suit you so sorry, but you cant have her whole family to stay, babysit her children and have extra guests at dd;s party.... but would love to make an arrangement that suits EVERYONE (ok, this bit might be lying...). just do it. or make your dh do it for you.... don't be a doormat.

CarGirl · 20/05/2008 22:41

Be brave, ring her back and say (on answerphone if possible) I'm really upset that you are coming to visit because you want me to babysit for you, let me know when you'd like to come to actually spend some time with us.

Or drop her a note cancelling the weekend. "Sorry need to cancel weekend of x, I have a date!"

Original poster
noche · 20/05/2008 22:45

I do really feel like a doormat! I'm so annoyed at myself too! Some people just seem to paralyze me, though I am getting better and know that if I can be brave then it does pay off!
Will ring an d leave them a message on answer phone-coward that I am!
PS Don't have a DH to do it for me so really will have to bite the bullet!

OP posts:
Original poster
noche · 20/05/2008 22:48

Cargirl would you really say that? That is what I feel like saying but I'm really not sure if I could. Wouldn't they be really offended? DOn't you think it would cause bad feeling?

OP posts:
WanderingTrolley · 20/05/2008 22:53

Ring her and say you are going out with some girlfriends that night then, ditto the babysitter story. Doesn't matter who what or when, just that you're out and can't oblige.

controlfreakyagain · 20/05/2008 22:57

sorry (re dh) bit, making asumptions... so is this sil your brother's wife? speak to him and tell him you dont like being treated / bullied like this...

CarGirl · 20/05/2008 23:05

I think it depends on your relationship with her and how much you value her and whether you are worried about falling out with her. They are taking the piss they know it, you know it.

bran · 20/05/2008 23:19

Sometimes a killing with kindness approach works for pushy people. So you phone and say what a pity that you can't take the nieces. SIL either gets angry/disappointed and implies that you let her down. Don't say "Sorry", instead sympathise "I know, it's such a pity. I know that you really wanted to me up with DD and me. Lets arrange another date."

So the more that she tries to emotionally blackmail you into doing it, the more that you sympathise with her (without being sorry or giving in). Imagine that something has gone wrong that has nothing at all to do with you and that isn't in your power to fix, like they missed the plane for their holiday. Just keep making sympathetic noises without offering any solution. "Oh dear, it's a shame when things don't quite work out. Perhaps you could go back to your original plan for childcare before you spoke to me." "I hope you manage to go to the party, it sounds like it will be fun."

She'll probably get very annoyed, but it's not your fault. Never acknowledge anything negative that she says against you or try to make her happy, just keep saying blandly sympathetic things like "it must be disappointing for you if you can't go", "oh dear, I hope everything sorts itself out". It's probably best not to have an argument with her if she's used to winning/bossing you around, although I personally would argue. But then I'm a bit hot-tempered and would have had an argument with someone like that the first time they tried to take advantage.

I hope it all gets sorted out.

colander · 20/05/2008 23:36

bran - I love that idea!!!

ingles2 · 20/05/2008 23:41

I agree with Cargirl...with some SIL's you just have to be blunt or they never quite manage to hear what you are saying....

KarenThirl · 21/05/2008 07:01

Noche, it's your life, your weekend and your home. You don't have to have anyone there if you don't want to. And you don't have to justify your decision by giving excuses. Just say you won't be able to babysit but it would be lovely to see them at the party if they can still make it. I like the idea of doing it in a note or phone message as others have suggested because then you're not opening yourself to discussion and "Why not" questioning. Take charge, it's your business and you don't have to be intimidated by this person.