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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think my SlLis a cheeky mare??

66 replies

noche · 20/05/2008 22:12

Just had a call from my SIL ringing to say she hadn;t heard from me in a while and we should arrange to meet up. I mumbled agreement as am a bit irritated with her and brother at the moment. Anyway she suggested a week end in June, I said it was Dd's party on the Sun, she said "oh that's Ok neices will enjoy that, older one can help, younger one can join in" I mumbled another "Ok". She THEN said "oh that weekend would really suit us as we have been invited to a party on the sat night so you could babysit all the girls-mine and theirs-while we go out" (they live 100miles away but party is near me).
Pathetically I said nothing as I thought I was going to cry. How dare she pretend to be coming to see us then just use me as a babysitter for their convenience? It's not the first time either-hence the irritation.
I really want to say something but don't know what-as is my usual dilemma if you have seen any of my previous posts!
What can i do? Help!!

OP posts:
LambethLil · 22/05/2008 23:45

noche- sorry that read really robust. When I was barely on her radar I was regularly inconsolable as she dumped on me- trecking over town with a 2 day old and dds at her convenience. I've had 14 years to get to this karmic state!!!

LambethLil · 22/05/2008 23:53

Its all flooding back now, I WILL solve this for you!! Send a text saying 'Can't help you Sat as I'm out, I've checked with babysitter and she won't accommodate another. Let me know if you'll be there Sunday' There's no wriggle room there, you can even pretend you've asked around but can't find another b sitter.

getmeouttahere · 23/05/2008 07:29

Aww, Lil that is really sweet that you are determined to help this lady.

TinkerbellesMum · 23/05/2008 08:49

"my fault for allowing him to do it cos I was so weak."

Doesn't that say it all?

Original poster
noche · 23/05/2008 09:18

Do you mean Tinkerbellesmum that I am weak?? Some people are just really hard to deal with aren't they? When you're the sort of person who treats others with respect and considers their feelings you kind of expect that in return, especially from your family.

Anyway, I have rung them this morning and left a message on the answer machine! Maybe a bit cowardly but it's done and it's a step in the right direction. next time I will be able to be more direct as I have stood up to her once now and that will give me strength for next time. No doubt she will ring tonight.....

OP posts:
bran · 23/05/2008 09:41

I think Tinkerbellesmum means that you perceive yourself as weak, which can be self-defeating when you're trying to stand up to over-bearing people.

Some people are indeed very hard to deal with, but I think it's overly optimistic to expect everyone to have your high standards (and that applies to all sorts of standards, not just respect for others). You have to deal with people how they are, because it's a waste of emotional energy to be resentful that they are not how they should be.

Over-bearing people, when they want something, will usually start with the person they know is most likely to give in to their demands. If you stop doing what she wants then you won't be first on her list anymore when she needs a favour, so she will ask less often. She'll probably bitch about you to everyone she knows at first, but nobody who knows you will think any the less of you. In fact anyone who cares about you will be delighted that you are standing up for yourself. You can still do her favours and take your DNs, because it's a nice thing to do and you're a nice person, but in future it'll be only when it suits you.

TinkerbellesMum · 23/05/2008 09:49

no no no no no I mean she thinks you are!

TinkerbellesMum · 23/05/2008 09:50

and what bran said (I need to get my glasses, I didn't see that first time)

turquoise · 23/05/2008 09:54

She sees you as weak, so will bully you! Clearly she's a totally selfish bitch and has no consideration for others, so ditch your scruples where she's concerned and just be a brick wall.

Answerphone excellent IMO - and when she rings to harangue you and beat you down, as she undoubtedly will - just be short and firm. No apology, no excuses - just "No, it isn't convenient" - and get off the phone fast. Have an excuse ready.

Bran's stuff is excellent - but just don't let the conversation go on long. Make it clear that it's not happening - suggest a weekend that suits you as an alternative, if she's still going to keep up the pretence that she's really coming to see you - and end the conversation.

turquoise · 23/05/2008 09:55

I mean - have an excuse ready for getting off the phone - not an excuse for not being her unpaid b&b and babysitter. That doesn't deserve one.

Original poster
noche · 23/05/2008 10:01

Bran you're right about the emotional energy wasted on wondering why people behave as they do-it's completely draining and a waste of time-I agree. Am devising a motto as I type-"Deal with it and then move on". Will write it on the fridge or something!
Feel relieved I have done something anyway so that's good and hopefully SIL will think twice next time. Fingers crossed!

Thanks all for your excellent advice.

OP posts:
Original poster
noche · 26/05/2008 16:53

Just a quick update for anyone who is interested......
Left message on SIL's answermachine while thet were at work saying I had looked at my calender and realised I had too much on the weekend they were intending to "visit" so I would have to reschedule. I gave then 2 other dates to come down. That was Friday. Have heard nothing. Instead SIL has now phoned my mum who lives nearby to ask HER to babysit, thus exposing the original lie that they wanted to come down to see me and DD. Mum said no(in an unusual show of solidarity!!). Unbelievable. Well she has well and truly blown it as far as I am concerned...

OP posts:
sophiewd · 26/05/2008 16:56

Well done you and well done your Mum.

Dior · 26/05/2008 17:05

Message withdrawn

Jenbot · 26/05/2008 17:29

Happy to read this update. Well done for standing up to that awful manipulative bully. Be strong!

barnstaple · 26/05/2008 17:37

excellent, good, well done!

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