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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think my SlLis a cheeky mare??

66 replies

noche · 20/05/2008 22:12

Just had a call from my SIL ringing to say she hadn;t heard from me in a while and we should arrange to meet up. I mumbled agreement as am a bit irritated with her and brother at the moment. Anyway she suggested a week end in June, I said it was Dd's party on the Sun, she said "oh that's Ok neices will enjoy that, older one can help, younger one can join in" I mumbled another "Ok". She THEN said "oh that weekend would really suit us as we have been invited to a party on the sat night so you could babysit all the girls-mine and theirs-while we go out" (they live 100miles away but party is near me).
Pathetically I said nothing as I thought I was going to cry. How dare she pretend to be coming to see us then just use me as a babysitter for their convenience? It's not the first time either-hence the irritation.
I really want to say something but don't know what-as is my usual dilemma if you have seen any of my previous posts!
What can i do? Help!!

OP posts:
kitbit · 21/05/2008 07:55

Broken record approach always works well for me! Choose one of Bran's excellent phrases and when you are tempted to throw in an apology or she goes quiet so that you feel you have to jump in and say something, just repeat your "safe" phrase: "it's a pity isn't it" etc.

And if she goes quiet on the phone, you go quiet too. It's a classic technique for making people feel uncomfortable so that they feel they have to speak, and usually that means the person being pressurised gives in and compromises at that point. Don't. If she pushes you, YOU go quiet. Then repeat the safe phrase.

It's about arming yourself with ways of standing up to her, she is clearly being very unreasonable and putting on you in an unacceptable way. Enlist help of brother if poss and do a similar number on him if you can

getmeouttahere · 21/05/2008 08:18

OOh some great advice here.

I agree, don't fill any awkward silences with a rushed attempt to smooth things over by caving in.

Kill her with sympathy and kindness. What can she say about it? Repeat and repeat. She needs a good sharp shock if she has manipulated you in this way before.

brimfull · 21/05/2008 08:22

what a cheeky bitch!

definitely make plans for the night she wants you to babysit

sunnydelight · 21/05/2008 09:05

Cheeky cow. I am suitably outraged on your behalf. Use any of the above excuses but DON'T DO IT!

StealthPolarBear · 21/05/2008 09:34

Yes, and when you feel the s word coming out of your mouth ("sorry") bite your tongue!

BouncingTurtle · 21/05/2008 09:49

Yes she is a cheeky bint.

Lots of great suggestions here, I suggest when you ring her, can you call her so you are next to your pc, and then you can have this thread in front of you to remind you that you are not giving into the sly little cow!

Original poster
noche · 21/05/2008 17:43

Going to ring tonight going to ring tonight not going to say sorry not going to say sorry!!
Am psyching myself up for it! Will report later...

OP posts:
bran · 21/05/2008 18:39

Yeah, you go nonce!

Miggsie · 21/05/2008 18:43

Total cheek!
And be blunt, she sounds like she has the hide of a rhinoceros!
Don't apologise to her she is obviously a master of getting her own way and bugger everyone else...just say "no" or "if you are not interested in seeing us and just want to dump a bunch of kids then say it straight out and then I can tell you to stop taking the piss"

posieflump · 21/05/2008 18:44

noche - is she your brother's wife?
I would ring your brother and get him to sort it all out
If it s dh's sister I would get dh to ring her and tell her she can't come
Either way it' not up to you imo xxx

beaniesteve · 21/05/2008 18:47

Tell her you've changed your plans and will be going out so can't have the kids.

A friend of mine's brother called her to tell her she was having his kids while he was away with his wife for 2 days. She moaned about it but didn't have the sense to just say 'hang on a minute, I may not be free that weekend'

Original poster
noche · 21/05/2008 19:03

She is brother's wife-she seems to always do all the talking though. I wonder if he knows how she is with me? I guess he must and then I think he obviously doesn't have any scruples about using me for their convenience either and that is hard to take. I will speak to him though I think.

OP posts:
beaniesteve · 21/05/2008 19:07

Oh - I mis-read and thought it was your DH's birthday. Doh.

If you're not going somewhere with your daughter and youdon't want to lie or make up an elaborate excuse maybe you can only tell her the truth. Scary though.

posieflump · 21/05/2008 19:09

In that case ring your brother and just tell him that you aren't going to be babysitting the night before the party. Tell him they are welcome to come to the party but they can't stay over.

bran · 21/05/2008 20:59

Oops, just noticed my terrible typo. That should obviously read "You go noche!"

Have you phoned yet?

nervousal · 21/05/2008 21:06

haven't read the whole thread - but just call her back and say "about the weekend with the kids - I've just remembered that it doesn't suit me as I'll be busy that weekend with dcs birthday - why don't we make it another time?" and hang up quickly

poppy34 · 21/05/2008 21:10

noche how did call go? your sil sounds like a right one (have bil who is cut from same cloth)

UniversallyChallenged · 21/05/2008 21:27

lol bran with that typo!

noche - once you've done it the first time the next time wont be so hard, if she does try it on again

PollyFlinders · 22/05/2008 13:42

noche if you were my sil, on your own and I was coming down to visit, I'd volunteer to babysit for you on the Sat night so YOU could go out.

She has a cheek! Be strong.

Original poster
noche · 22/05/2008 19:26

Rang but they couldn't talk as had visitors so it was very brief and I said I'd call back another time!
Pollyflinders can you be my SIL please?? They would never do that-SIL keeps telling me that I just have to get to grips with my situation and be more grown up-learn to do things on my own and not be so dependent!!!! I'm not at all dependent, especially not on them, but I did hope that they cared enough about me to want to help me out occasionally....
I've just had one of the neices for 5 days at easter too.
When i first split up with exh and was distaught at the thought of losing my house, moving DD from her school etc etc, I spoke to her about all of it and about being skint too and she said "you'll just have to move to a council house and LIKE it. Plenty of people live on far less than you earn (was working 1 day a week)and THEY don't cry down the phone to their family!
You know I don't care if I upset her...
Also Exh took dd and disappeared overnight one time and when I rang brother and SIL in a panic she said it was my fault for allowing him to do it cos I was so weak.
Getting mad now at all the memories of what she has said and done!

OP posts:
Tolalola · 22/05/2008 22:02

OMG noche mouth literally open at your SIL's current and past behaviour!! How dare she say it was your fault when exh took dd?? what a complete cow!

never mind refusing to babysit, if i were you i'd be tempted to move house and 'forget' to tell them.

fuzzywuzzy · 22/05/2008 22:08

Ring back and say 'I know you can't talk, I cant babysit for you, it's not convenient maybe some other time. I know your very busy bye' then hang up done.

barnstaple · 22/05/2008 22:51

Just a thought: if you go for bran's approach, take a book or magazine to the phone with you and as soon as you've said your bit start reading. That way you can concentrate on what you're reading instead of listening to her, you'll be less tempted to actually answer her or fill in any gaps. It'll be much easier to let her ramble on and just occasionally throw in one of the sympathetic phrases from time to time. Good luck.

LambethLil · 22/05/2008 23:36

Good idea Barnstaple. I had my Mum round when I was on the receiving end of a rant from my SIL once. Can't remember the details; she falls out with everyone regularly, but apparantly I said NOTHING, literally during a 10 minute call except, 'oh dear that sounds difficult' times 1000. FWIW although she has mega clashes -not talking with literally every other member of family/ school/ neighbours/transport operatives/ you name it she is not very demanding of me. I'm sure its because I absolutely refuse to engage. Not saying that its easy, OP- I had a while very much on the edge of her radar, and and had time to plan my tactics.

nappyaddict · 22/05/2008 23:42

how rude asking you to babysit her dds on your dd's birthday.