DH and I disagree on everything since having a baby - normal?

[safetyfirst1]

I'm feeling really overwhelmed and could use some advice from those who've been there. Me and DH have been together for years and rarely argued before, but since having our little one 8 weeks ago, we seem to disagree about absolutely everything baby-related.

He thinks I'm being argumentative, but honestly I think he's the one being difficult and I'm starting to really dislike his perspective on everything. We're bickering constantly and I'm worried about what this is doing to us as a couple. Some examples of what we're arguing about (and yes, I know how petty some of these sound):

Bottle temperature - I think it should be body temp, he insists it needs to be cooler

How many layers baby should wear - he always thinks I'm overdressing him, I think he underdresses

Feeding angle- we have completely different ideas about how upright baby should be (he insists 25 degree angle/almost flat is appropriate)

Future hobbies - this one's mental but he's already decided our son shouldn't be "exposed to football culture" and doesn't want my family buying football clothes or encouraging any interest. Says football "amounts to no good" - this really winds me up as my whole family loves it though I don’t care either way but I thought his opinions were irritating.

I feel like we're turning into different people. Everything feels like a battle and I'm exhausted from the constant disagreements on top of normal new parent tiredness. We haven’t been physical for approx three months, he hasn’t even made an attempt to hug me since giving birth once. He was never a hugger but he has never said he’s proud of me or hardly anything positive since giving birth.

What's making it worse is I'm starting to feel proper resentment building up. I'm doing most of the care - yesterday I had baby from 5am to 10pm while DH had whatever free time he wanted. He does nighttime from about 9pm-midnight/1am though last night he did kindly do 10pm-4am with baby but then said he can’t make a habit of it because of his work (even though he’s self employed and often works six hours a day). I wanted to start exercising again because my back is killing me from pushing the pram going for walks, so I asked if he could watch baby for an hour after work daily. His response? He "won't have time for himself" - meanwhile he still goes to the gym regularly and I don’t say anything and look after DC.

Has anyone else experienced this? Does it get better? I'm starting to wonder if we're just not compatible as parents even though we were fine as a couple. The sleep deprivation probably isn't helping but I feel like I'm losing my mind and getting angrier by the day.

Any advice welcome, especially from those who made it through this phase!

Bottle temperature - I think it should be body temp, he insists it needs to be cooler
How are you checking the temperature? If you are using your hand, it should be slightly cooler.

How many layers baby should wear - he always thinks I'm overdressing him, I think he underdresses
Could you both do in-between?

Feeding angle- we have completely different ideas about how upright baby should be (he insists 25 degree angle/almost flat is appropriate)
What does the baby think?

Future hobbies - this one's mental but he's already decided our son shouldn't be "exposed to football culture" and doesn't want my family buying football clothes or encouraging any interest. Says football "amounts to no good" - this really winds me up as my whole family loves it though I don’t care either way but I thought his opinions were irritating.
Children will probably like football because their friends do. I'd be p'd off if relatives were encouraging my child to support their team.

It will get better but you still need to do the work. I can’t see the point in you getting annoyed with him over what, at the end of the day, are subjective opinion – or he you. You have different opinions, that’s it. There is no wrong or right.

With that in mind, try going forward knowing that you’re on the same team and you’re not each other’s enemies. Begin every day with a quick hug and a discussion whereby you acknowledge the stresses but that you’re in it together.

I have been there. I could count on one hand the number of arguments I had with my husband before our daughter was born, then suddenly we bickered constantly.

A lot of it is sleep deprivation, and adjusting to a huge new life change.

Don't get me wrong there are some terrible dads/husbands out there and mine isn't one of them, but I didn't feel he pulled his weight as much as he should have when she was tiny. But once she got to about 4/5 months he got so much better with her. I honestly think a lot of men just find tiny babies boring and they are much better once they start to get a bit of a personality!

Our little girl is 18 months now and I'd say we genuinely split everything 50/50, oh and I actually like him again.

It does get easier!

Having a new baby and the tiredness that goes with it is really difficult. We don't realise that until we are smack in the middle of it. I have to say as l was the one mostly looking after baby due to maternity leave l was was the one who decided on clothes etc. He does sound a bit bossy. The football thing is irrelevant..just ignore him as its total rubbish. Most things are due to tiredness. Is there anyone..your mum..who could wa0tch baby for an hour every weekend so you can both go for coffee etc. Just to be a couple and get that spark back.

I remember telling the doctor at my first postnatal check up that I absolutely couldn't stand my husband atm. She didn't even blink. I think it's pretty common.

We went through a period of arguing about everything after our child was born - I think it’s lack of sleep, stress and just heightened emotions. I had to consistently remind my husband that I was sleep deprived and if I snapped or was short then he could try and show was understanding and tolerance and I had to do the same back.

before having the baby I read an article called “don’t become the expert in the baby” it was about not commenting and dictating you the father the way to do everything. Unless safety and a at stake, then there can be more than one way of doing something…you are not always right. Acknowledging this helped me.

we’re now two years on and better than ever. It does get easier but you both need to understand your relationship and stresses change

I remember Michelle Obama saying she hated her husband for 10 years when their kids were small.

It puts a strain on a marriage, but you’ll find your rhythm and it won’t be this bad.

The bit that stood out to me is when you said you'd had the baby from 5am to 10pm while he did whatever he wanted. That's what I'd be pissed off about. What was he doing that was more important than giving you a break and bonding with his child?

Having a baby and having to adjust to each others parenting styles, experiencing sleep deprivation and parental anxiety etc can put a lot of strain on a relationship. It’s also common for people to feel like roommates due a lack of intimacy after the baby arrives. Therefore I’m not at all surprised that you’ve noticed a negative impact on your relationship since your little one arrived. With a bit more understanding from both of you I think you can navigate your differences in the smaller things like dressing your baby etc. Unfortunately though you have a much bigger issue which is that your partner sees you as the default parent and is a selfish wanker who thinks his needs for down time, rest etc trump yours. If you really want to make this relationship work then that’s what you need to be addressing as a priority.

Maybe draw up a rota.. Add in who has dc while the other has Free Time.
Add in chores. Let him see in black and white who has a good deal.
Clue it isn't you op...

The problem isn't that you are disagreeing on small things.

It's that he's an exploitative shit who won't do his fair share of the care that the baby you both created needs - and is happy to see you shoulder an unfair burden.

If you don't push back very hard on this now it will only get worse down the line.

He needs to understand that he is a parent now and he doesn't have a 'right' to free time. Any free time that is available should be split exactly down the middle.

Hi OP, congratulations on your new baby!

This happened to me - before baby (together many years), almost zero arguments, we got on so well, spent all our time together and were totally on the same page. After baby - there is almost nothing we agree on, he is not the father I thought he would be, he’s very different, like a military person. Over a few years of this, it chipped away at my love for him, and I ended up ending the relationship. It’s very very very sad.
I wish you the best, if it continues please seek counselling or something to help you, make time for yourselves as a couple somehow, date nights when you can etc. Good luck OP, it’s tough.

Edit to add that from your description he sounds awful, I’m so sorry OP

I remember Michelle Obama saying she hated her husband for 10 years when their kids were small.
It puts a strain on a marriage, but you’ll find your rhythm and it won’t be this bad.

Like most women, the likely reason MO hated him is because - like most men - he wasn't doing his fair share. She hated him because she had thought they were a team, but then discovered that he was prepared to exploit her inability to see her children suffer for his own benefit.

It's like there is a conspiracy of silence on this by older women. 'It gets better' - well, no, usually what happens is the woman becomes ground down enough to stop complaining and after a while she starts pretending to herself that she doesn't see it.

My point is, we're supposed to titter at her hating him because of the truism 'it's so tough for you both when kids are small' - but that's a lie. It's usually only tough for the woman.

I suspect the root of this is that you spend a lot more time physically caring for baby and therefore do actually know what works well and what doesn't. From both trial and error, learning from forums etc like this, and possibly from seeing other mums doing things at classes etc.
He spends barely any time with baby and thinks he can breeze in and throw his opinions around. He's probably trying to assert some control over the situation and this is how it's coming out.
You are feeling resentful that he's undermining your greater experience, earned through sheer hours spent with baby. You're conscious that you don't want to micromanage him but you don't feel you can stand by and let wrong things happen when it comes to your baby.

My advice would be, if there is something concrete that can be easily sorted, don't get into argument, just say 'oh I'd always thought that baby should be quite upright. Gosh I'll feel terrible if I've been doing it wrong, let me check. Oh look, NHS advice on paced feeding says baby should be sitting almost at 90 degrees and should never be flat. Ah that's a relief, thanks for pointing it out so I could check'.
But that won't work for everything. I guess this is probably a pick your battles situation. He does have to learn by sometimes doing it wrong and I think I'd try only to intervene where safety is at risk.

The free time thing, though, that is definitely unfair. Any available free time should be shared equally. He should be racing home from work to give you a a break. As it sounds like baby is bottle fed, can you spend a longer period away? It sounds like he really has no concept how exhausting and tedious caring for a small baby can be.

Normal, the number of things to argue about increases exponentially! Life becomes all about who is doing more, who is getting the least sleep, who is most tired.....

Hopefully it will get better once you settle in to parenthood.

I am a few years older than my work friends and they had nothing but good things to say about their husbands before they had babies. Now the staffroom is full of moans about them 🤣. I try hard not to say, I told you so!

I think it’s pretty normal to argue a lot at this stage. Google tells you what temp a baby bottle should be and how many layers etc though, surely you don’t need to oversea each others parenting like that? It’s just petty. Clearly your baby has handled both bottle temperatures fine for the last 8 weeks so just agree to disagree and move on.

Other than that give yourselves a break and try and make time to spend together rather than just rowing about who’s been stuck with the baby most.

My husband did WAY more than his fair share when we had babies. Apart from breastfeeding, he took over everything else. He never stopped trying to look after me and ensure I was happy.

I still hated him regularly. It’s such a disruption to what was for us, a blissful life with loads of money and loads of freedom. The change, coupled with tiredness, is awful and takes lots of adjusting to.

Right, you had your first baby, you both have different ideas of perfect, the vast majority of your complaints are the sort of thing by the time you're on your third child, you won't even think about. Work through it together, it's not a battle.

You do need to sort the workload share though, that is a hill I would die on.

I’ve been there, me and my partner of 8 years and a “solid couple” ending up separating when little one was 2.5 yrs. Some advise I would share….

As the mother on mat leave I was doing the majority of the care and therefore felt I knew best in terms of the above things you mentioned (bottle temp, feeding etc) , also a perfectionist by nature I would get frustrated if my partner did it differently . it caused huge resentment on his part and said it made him feel incompetent. After we separated and we reflected he would say to me “there’s more than 1 way to skin a cat” meaning my way wasn’t the only
way, and my advise would be whoever is doing the feeding changing etc decides on how it’s done and the other person doesn’t get involved unless asked to. Otherwise you will continue to bicker and nobody wins.

The main resentment for me was that I realised my needs were put to the bottom of the pile. I was pouring myself and energy into the baby and he put his needs first so nobody was looking after me. I saw a selfish side to him I hadn’t quite seen before. But honestly as women, we do “do more”, it’s in our biological make up to put our children first, once I accepted this I found it easier, however again as long as you feel your getting something back from your partner in terms of acknowledgement and recognition

honestly having a baby is hard, it puts huge strain on your relationship and the dynamics change. Your time is no longer your own and your always keeping count of who does more. However there will be times it’s 80/20, other times it’s 50/50, and when you accept this it makes it easier, but as long as you feel the balance is not always in his favour and your getting something back for yourself.

be kind to yourself and eachother it’s a huge adjustment period x

I think you are in a very small minority @PorgyandBess - as every other post on relationships demonstrates.

Yes totally normal. We told eachother that anything we argued about we didn't really mean, and if things didn't get better by a year, then we had a problem. We were the same, never argued beforehand. Alot of it honestly was tit for tat and who's done what, who's had the most sleep etc. things got better around 6 months I think, we got into a routine of who does what, understood when one of us needed a break and baby started sleeping better. Sleep deprivation is horrible, but maybe agree to discuss things in the mornings after an argument and try to have a plan in place for what might work better. Your relationship kind of goes on hold after a baby, we were very much in survival mode. We're not totally there in terms of making sure we spend actual time together, but as a couple were better and were getting there

Your problem is he is micromanaging you with his opinions without actually doing anything

so yiur issues are he insists on controlling what you do without actually doing anything himself

and good luck avoiding football we lasted until 9

It’s normal to bicker but it also sounds like he’s not pulling his weight. If your dp chooses are doing all day and all night he needs to be pulling his weight inthe evening so you can get some sleep. And if he has time to go to the gym so should you

@Bella2255i agree I need to pick my battles more but you hit the nail on the head, there’s is NO acknowledgment from him at all and it makes me sick.

Im seven weeks PP c section am already walking 5k most days, still taking care of myself drinking two litres a day, cooking healthy, exercise as well as making sure baby is well fed taken care of.

I get out and about regularly just me and baby alone at coffee shops etc out of my comfort zone. I still go to family function she has there was one two weeks PP and I put my makeup on and smiled and went let them pass baby around and I didn’t want to.

and he’s not once given me a hug or said I’m doing a great job recovering from surgery and still keeping things going the way I am, instead he said to me earlier he has no idea how I don’t manage to shower until midnight sometimes. Cheeky fucker I could have punched him in the face

He said he cannot function without the gym and he has said he will during the week days have baby 9pm-1am and then again 7.30am-9.30am (I asked for this as when baby doesn’t sleep I feel I may actually die and need some sleep mornings).

he said weekends he will do whatever

but weekdays outside of the agreed schedule he doesn’t want to look after any more.

does this sound fair? Genuine question