DH and I disagree on everything since having a baby - normal?

[safetyfirst1]

I'm feeling really overwhelmed and could use some advice from those who've been there. Me and DH have been together for years and rarely argued before, but since having our little one 8 weeks ago, we seem to disagree about absolutely everything baby-related.

He thinks I'm being argumentative, but honestly I think he's the one being difficult and I'm starting to really dislike his perspective on everything. We're bickering constantly and I'm worried about what this is doing to us as a couple. Some examples of what we're arguing about (and yes, I know how petty some of these sound):

Bottle temperature - I think it should be body temp, he insists it needs to be cooler

How many layers baby should wear - he always thinks I'm overdressing him, I think he underdresses

Feeding angle- we have completely different ideas about how upright baby should be (he insists 25 degree angle/almost flat is appropriate)

Future hobbies - this one's mental but he's already decided our son shouldn't be "exposed to football culture" and doesn't want my family buying football clothes or encouraging any interest. Says football "amounts to no good" - this really winds me up as my whole family loves it though I don’t care either way but I thought his opinions were irritating.

I feel like we're turning into different people. Everything feels like a battle and I'm exhausted from the constant disagreements on top of normal new parent tiredness. We haven’t been physical for approx three months, he hasn’t even made an attempt to hug me since giving birth once. He was never a hugger but he has never said he’s proud of me or hardly anything positive since giving birth.

What's making it worse is I'm starting to feel proper resentment building up. I'm doing most of the care - yesterday I had baby from 5am to 10pm while DH had whatever free time he wanted. He does nighttime from about 9pm-midnight/1am though last night he did kindly do 10pm-4am with baby but then said he can’t make a habit of it because of his work (even though he’s self employed and often works six hours a day). I wanted to start exercising again because my back is killing me from pushing the pram going for walks, so I asked if he could watch baby for an hour after work daily. His response? He "won't have time for himself" - meanwhile he still goes to the gym regularly and I don’t say anything and look after DC.

Has anyone else experienced this? Does it get better? I'm starting to wonder if we're just not compatible as parents even though we were fine as a couple. The sleep deprivation probably isn't helping but I feel like I'm losing my mind and getting angrier by the day.

Any advice welcome, especially from those who made it through this phase!

This is how I feel but then I’m Scouse too 😅 Football is definitely a religion with us and tend to be born into one camp or another.

I think the things you’re arguing about are small fry, you each get to decide how you do those things when you’re in charge or baby. Ignore the football thing for now. The real issue is DH’s attitude in general. My DH ran himself ragged looking after me/the house/DS when I was post C section (and I was still annoyed with him a lot lol). He did my injections, helped me in and out of the shower etc. He did all the washing. We then struggled with finding our 50/50 rhythm but we got there. It is simple really. If he goes to the gym for two hours, I get two hours to do what I want! His gym time is not more important than my needs. As others have said, you’re in charge of baby whilst he’s working and a bit more at night (only whilst on maternity leave). But the rest of the time you should be 50/50. You’re far more tired/in need of a break than he is anyway! You need to sit down and discuss this - try to choose a time when you’ve both just got a couple of hours of sleep if possible! Life changes after a baby and he needs to adjust more. And it does get easier as they get a few months older I promise!!!

Sorry, what?

The newborn stage is easy if you have an easy baby - which from the sounds of things you did.

My baby had reflux and woke every 30 minutes screaming all day and night and clusterfed from 5pm to 2am daily for weeks on end. If she was put flat on her back, she screamed as if she was dying. I often couldn't have a shower for a few days and I once fell asleep standing up. When you know one baby, you know one baby. The newborn stage is often very hard psychologically for people and particularly if they have a tricky baby.

@safetyfirst1 I feel your frustration I really do. In case nobody has told you… your doing AMAZING and honestly a superwoman surviving the birth navigating the healing process and getting yourself into any kind of routine with healthy food and exercise is a massive credit to you… all whilst taking care of a baby which is a full time job itself without any breaks, what women do is incredible and honestly managing to even shower at midnight is an achievement !!! He’s not walking your shoes and it is a very insensitive comment showing very little acknowledgement for what you’re doing and how much you’re clearly juggling. Your dealing with many new emotions and massively out your comfort zone so need his support not his critical judgements. Not giving you any affection like a simple hug is strange and I’d be feeling really hurt by that.

My partner was also obsessed with the gym and even before my daughter was born he was negotiating with me how many gym sessions he could have a week. Apparently 5 was the minimum 😂

However I can tell you all my friends have children and 90% of them have the same complaints with their partner, it is very common for this dynamic to happen, I’d just suggest open communication between you both as best you can to avoid resentment building as this can fester and unspoken issues create bigger ones. It really is a challenging time and it does get worse before it gets better. Both your lives have changed and it is very difficult to navigate but it sounds like your doing incredibly
well x

My LO is only 3mo but feel like I've just been through similar, to an extent! My DH is wonderful, took on all the cooking and cleaning since I gave birth (and did most of both throughout my pregnancy as well), really tries to be supportive, WFH but more than one job. And I was still snappy with him postpartum ☹️

The sleep deprivation really gets to you, and I think also having this precious baby who you both love more than each other, that's a bit of a shock! Plus if something feels like a safety issue you can't just let it go like you would some minor other disagreement.

Things that helped:

• really try and see things from the other person's viewpoint on your own, as well as sitting down together and talking through your reasoning. I felt less irritated by my DH being against any form of co sleeping when I imagined if he was trying to do it and I'd be absolutely against it (dad doing it isn't in the safe seven anyway but just an example)

• try things both ways and see if either way actually causes a problem. For example the bottle feeding (I do kind of agree with your DH there, it helps reduce gas), has he noticed that helps LO have less wind? Have you seen a difference doing it your way?

• if something's not causing a problem, even if it's different to what you yourself would do, just let the other parent get on with it when they're looking after LO. It's not really a break for you if you think you have to micromanage your DH (I also snapped at mine for giving me unsolicited breastfeeding advice after a sleepless night at 5am)

• Overnights: My DH is basically nocturnal so he was fine taking LO for several hours at night so I could sleep, once I figured out pumping (I have him back now), but he was also working during this time. 10pm-4am is a lot! Especially if he has to work the next day. You could work out a schedule where your DH takes him from 9pm-1am or something while you sleep, then you have LO back.

• sit down and agree how you will get some 'me' time as mum. It's fair that you have LO during the day if you're on mat leave but outside of working hours there should be more of an even split. Personally I'm almost always on baby duty but I'm breastfeeding and LO is also having a very clingy phase - plus my DH does all the cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, laundry etc. He's taken him while I went back to a yoga class last week and LO was really upset so I'm leaving that until he's older. But as a suggestion, I've been doing YouTube workouts with baby, and signed up to some mum and baby exercise classes.

That said, it's not fair for your DH to be going to the gym regularly and you not, especially if your baby isn't having that separation anxiety. Would DH taking him after work every day mean he also couldn't go to the gym? Try and work out a schedule where you're both able to go a few times a week at least. And it's not fair for DH to be having a full day of downtime - ask him (or you) to work out how much leisure time he expects a week, then point out how little you're getting. Very different if he's spent the day doing stuff for the house vs relaxing while you're on baby duty.

Finally forget future hobbies! Baby is tiny, it hasn't happened yet so worry about all that in future. You don't even know how LO will feel about it!

Edit: I also really need physical touch as affection so tell him you're missing it and would love some recognition for the work you're doing. And give that to him as well, we always thank each other if we notice a job done. I would try and find things to thank DH for or tell LO complimentary things about daddy in front of him

While building in time for you to sleep is a good thing, that certainly shouldn't be all he's doing. Baby should/could also be sleeping for at least some of that time. Weekdays only?

What does his doing "whatever" on weekends mean? He'll do whatever is needed or he'll do whatever he wants? I suspect it's the latter.

My second child slept 1 hour every 24 hours 🤣
She never slept through the night, even when she was older, she never slept!
She was diagnosed with ADHD at the age of 7!!!
All she ever wanted to do was feed!
yet I still managed to get everything done every day!
when she was 13 weeks old I got pregnant again!!
Maybe some people just cope and get on with it!

@IShouldNotBeSurprisedhe actually meant whatever is needed and today I’ve gone out with a sibling for six hours so he stayed true to his word! Though he has gone gym again! But given he did six hours today I’m not complaining.

it’s weird as I feel like he’s doing me a favour even though I’ve still done more than him today

Tell him that the parent who is doing the job (whether it's making the bottle or dressing the baby or whatever) will do it their way, and don't discuss it further. You don't want to get into that dynamic where one parent (the female one, usually) appoints themselves Head Parent and is constantly bossing the other one. Or get into that thing where the mother constantly tells the father he's doing everything wrong with the dc until he gives up, and then complains that he doesn't do enough. You both have to learn to be confident as parents; take a deep breath, and don't monitor / boss each other. Don't watch what he's doing with the baby; go and do something else. And never let him boss / lecture you.

Maybe also tell him that "football culture" is part of the air we breathe and as soon as ds starts mixing with anyone other than his parents, he'll be exposed to it - however, the fact is that kids are their own people, not machines that you program, and he will either like football or not. But if he doesn't want to listen, he'll find out in time.

It does sound like he’s helping which is good but he’s not a babysitter!! It should be a case of when he’s not at work you’re both taking care of the baby unless one of you is doing housework/ going /gym etc. it shouldn’t be a case of it’s bc all on you except between this time and that time. He also shouldn’t come and go as he pleases. He doesn’t have free rein anymore the child is both your responsibility.