DH and I disagree on everything since having a baby - normal?

[safetyfirst1]

I'm feeling really overwhelmed and could use some advice from those who've been there. Me and DH have been together for years and rarely argued before, but since having our little one 8 weeks ago, we seem to disagree about absolutely everything baby-related.

He thinks I'm being argumentative, but honestly I think he's the one being difficult and I'm starting to really dislike his perspective on everything. We're bickering constantly and I'm worried about what this is doing to us as a couple. Some examples of what we're arguing about (and yes, I know how petty some of these sound):

Bottle temperature - I think it should be body temp, he insists it needs to be cooler

How many layers baby should wear - he always thinks I'm overdressing him, I think he underdresses

Feeding angle- we have completely different ideas about how upright baby should be (he insists 25 degree angle/almost flat is appropriate)

Future hobbies - this one's mental but he's already decided our son shouldn't be "exposed to football culture" and doesn't want my family buying football clothes or encouraging any interest. Says football "amounts to no good" - this really winds me up as my whole family loves it though I don’t care either way but I thought his opinions were irritating.

I feel like we're turning into different people. Everything feels like a battle and I'm exhausted from the constant disagreements on top of normal new parent tiredness. We haven’t been physical for approx three months, he hasn’t even made an attempt to hug me since giving birth once. He was never a hugger but he has never said he’s proud of me or hardly anything positive since giving birth.

What's making it worse is I'm starting to feel proper resentment building up. I'm doing most of the care - yesterday I had baby from 5am to 10pm while DH had whatever free time he wanted. He does nighttime from about 9pm-midnight/1am though last night he did kindly do 10pm-4am with baby but then said he can’t make a habit of it because of his work (even though he’s self employed and often works six hours a day). I wanted to start exercising again because my back is killing me from pushing the pram going for walks, so I asked if he could watch baby for an hour after work daily. His response? He "won't have time for himself" - meanwhile he still goes to the gym regularly and I don’t say anything and look after DC.

Has anyone else experienced this? Does it get better? I'm starting to wonder if we're just not compatible as parents even though we were fine as a couple. The sleep deprivation probably isn't helping but I feel like I'm losing my mind and getting angrier by the day.

Any advice welcome, especially from those who made it through this phase!

DH and I aren't argumentative people at all, so although we don't always agree we don't bother making an issue of it. In your examples I don't think any of them would have given rise to arguments, I would just let DH get on with things his way but do things my own way when I do it. Football is not an issue at all though as neither of us care about it and the dcs have never shown an interest!

I think the bigger issue is him not pulling his weight, and that was never the case with DH. He has always been very involved and I think that's essential for a good parenting partnership. I don't think you can really force a man to be more involved if he is refusing to and doesn't see it as his job though. I would not have had a dc2 if I was doing most of the parenting solo as you are.

For a significant amount period of time after ds was born, the sound of my husband just breathing pissed me off royally. Which I know, and knew then, was unreasonable. So yes, it's normal.

BUT...pps are correct about resentment building up because mums so often become default parent. Priority can be: baby's needs ( mostly met by mum) but importantly, not all the time, leading to some dads thinking they've done so much extra that dad's needs come next. They need extra praise and down time. Then mum has to pick up the slack whilst dad is practising self care in the form of golf / gym / video games / whatever that he really, truly deserves cos of all they're doing to help you. 🙄😡. But then there is no time left for mum's needs - cos often whilst dad is "helping", mum is sterilising bottles / cleaning / washing / whatever rather than getting her own needs met. Whereas as dad's downtime is all about him.

Massively stereotyping here, but this is what I read about time and again on MN. Obviously NAMALT, but Internet suggests many are. I like pp's suggestion of a timetable blocked out to make it visual.

I hope that, like with my dh, it turns out to be the massive shock of new parenting, shifting relationships and sleep deprivation- in which case it will pass.

Good luck, and congratulations on your lovely baby!

Of course it's not fair. He's basically telling you that on weekdays the baby is your responsibility nearly all the time! From 9.30am until 9pm! Does that mean he's never going to do bathtime or bedtime routine? I hope he's cooking the meals during the week given he doesn't want to have his child?

He's absolutely taking the piss.

And saying he can't function without the gym is ridiculous. How many days a week does he go?

So he expects 9-9 to be time for him only where he works 6hrs, works out - what- 1-1.5hrs? And gets 4.5-5 hrs to himself? Did he elaborate when do YOU get equal time to yourself? The hours he’s not at work, he should be cooking, doing chores, helping with whatever you need, bond with baby.

As annoying as people find this expression ''all this''!

My DH just wasn’t cut out for parenthood. We got on fine until we had the DC. We divorced when my youngest was four. It was a massive relief as I felt suffocated by him.

My stbx and I started disagreeing in new parenthood and are now divorcing with small child. It wasn’t the disagreements it was the way he handled them that finished us off.

There is a book “how not to hate your husband after having kids” it may have helped for a while.

i think of your topics you have to let go most of them but re the feeding angle I would share some official advice with him. The rest write down to vent and let it go for now at least.

I would say try to be caring for baby separately and each do your thing your way in your time while the other prioritises essential sleep/ work/ housework/ exercise, probably in that order. You may need to agree on what is essential right now (less than normal)

Get some help if you can. Everyone loves holding small babies. Aim to both catch up on sleep first for a few days to see if that reduces arguments, live on fast food if you have to. See if you can agree some longer blocks to sleep, at least 4-5 hours preferably 6+. Sleeping 2 lots of 2-3 hours isn’t equivalent to one lot of 4-6 hours in terms of how you feel afterwards.

Get nice people round the house and dont worry if it’s a tip. The kind of people that will hold baby or push them out in the pram while you nap, or cook or clean for you. He will likely be less obviously selfish in front of witnesses, may even clean before they come. Dont rule out getting a friend or family member to help you both split time fairly and prioritise, or to ask him when your gym time is.

Try to get some positive non-baby-related entertainment in here or there like funny podcasts or TV, the world can get really small with a baby and a window out of it may give perspective.

I know I’m not qualified to give advice but be reassured these are things I didn’t do and should have (pandemic didn’t help). Good luck.

Yeah none of these arguments sound like the point really as they aren’t safety issues really. So unless there’s a specific danger to any of what either of you are doing I’d let that sort of stuff go. The much bigger issue is his crap parenting - and just as important, his terrible relationship with you

it is absolutely not fair. Assuming you’re on maternity leave, your responsibility is looking after the baby while he’s working, the rest of the time should be for both of you to figure out. And unless he has a job that’s dangerous, that includes overnights. You said you’re bottle feeding so he can do that just as well as you can - and should. And you need a bit of time that isn’t either parenting or sleeping in 2 hour slots.

I don’t understand how you can’t shower any earlier either!!
The new born stages are so easy, when the baby cries do you go to it straight away or leave it to cry for a bit?
Surely you can put it in a chair and take to the shower with you??
people say when baby sleeps you sleep, but no definitely not during the day, when baby sleeps i found it time to get all the jobs done that needed doing!

I agree with pp about not becoming the baby expert. You'll end up as default parent forever. If he's making a bottle, walk away. If he's dressing the baby, walk away.

He needs to give you more time on your own if he's down the gym. This needs to be a clear conversation that sets the boundaries for downtime now before it gets too engrained.

The football thing would annoy me. I am not a football fan, dh is and he comes from a football family. To ban it is like banning Sunday roasts. For them it is so cultural. To ban the baby is an act to distance you from your family.

No he doesn’t sound like he is being fair. Why does his gym time trump your needs? Essentially he is “willing” to “give you” 9pm to 1am to sleep and 7.30-9.30am to catch up on sleep missed over the 6.5 hours you have done at night. When do you get time to shower, exercise or just do other stuff? Babies do get easier but I suggest you don’t agree to a shift pattern which lets him carry on almost as normal while you are dragged down by relentless demands by your baby allowing you no down time. If he works only 6 hours then the remaining 18 hours should be split. He does 9 and you do 15 while you are on maternity leave. You definitely need a more equal split weekends. It is normal to bicker if one person is resentful and he sounds controlling. Why does he get to decide whether your son is into football when he is older? I would park that though and deal with the here and now.

No, of course it’s not fair. He absolutely can function without the gym and needs to learn that! Honestly it infuriates me how many man carry on as though nothing has changed in their lives when there’s a new baby, meanwhile a bomb has gone off in their partner’s life! Any time he’s not at work, the parenting should be spilt 50/50. While he’s at work, looking after the baby is your job - the rest of the time everything should be equal - leisure time, sleep, jobs etc.

To me the insight that I got from MN much further on into ds's life was that what drove me mad was dh's assumption that I was the default parent.

So it's not that 'I will take the baby 9pm to 1am and 730 am to 9.30am' is so infuriating,l in itself, it's that he is ALSO saying 'you will have the baby 1am to 730 am and 9.30am to 9pm' without acknowledging that's what he's doing, because someone has to look after the baby, and he gets to choose what hours he will do, while you don't.

I think he is struggling to try and find a way to keep working and keep going, and finding it bloody hard. I think trying to force a schedule that rigid is going to lead to more arguments at times because babies don't work like that. But, if he will do a reasonable job in those hours and you can rely on them, it could be worth trying to let go of some of the fury, find a way back to connecting. I'd also say this is a good time to try and make some external support networks.

You are both tired.
It matters not the answers to those questions.
When you are looking after baby heat until skin temp and dress in the number of layers you think but assess baby for his comfort. Don't worry to ask DH if you are happy with what you are doing and baby is content.
Likewise, when DH is dressing baby, he will dress him the number of layers that he thinks is right and he'll heat the bottle to slightly cooler. You will both learn what baby likes best. Baby might love variety.

Don't comment on the football thing but do ask DH to look after your child while you have some time off during the day - equal to his gym time. Can you both pram to the gym and both do some gym?
If DH is working a money paying job all day it is unusual and unfair for him to attend all night regularly to the baby. A couple of hours each night and all night on rare occasions and on weekends is generous.

On your last point, surely this is how most kids end up supporting their chosen team - because they are encouraged by a family member(s), be that Mum, Dad, Grandad, Uncle, Auntie etc?

I grew up in a family of Evertonians (except my Uncle Pete, who was turned to the dark side as a kid by his Godfather) and it would never have occurred to me to support any other team. I’m unclear on the issue?

You sound insufferable.

To the OP, most relationships pre and post kids are not comparable. He sounds like he's not doing enough though. It also sounds like you're arguing with him about things he doesn't need to be corrected on.

To encourage him to spend more time with the baby, I'd praise him when he does. No you shouldn't have to but men tend to respond better to positive affirmation.

Most of the things you mentioned don’t matter that much. The exercise thing is annoying.

It does change your relationship. I found that doing everything 50/50 did not work because we argued. It was better to have areas of responsibility that the other had nothing to do with. It works particularly well if you both like doing different tasks.

Tell him that you doing exercise is non negotiable and discuss what time works the best for both of you. I did buy a running machine because I wanted to be more flexible with timings. The white noise helped the baby sleep.

It's really normal to bicker a lot after having kids so try not to make any big decisions about your relationship for the next few months.

Re most of your points, I think it's up to the caregiver to decide. Eg if you're dressing the baby you choose, if DH does it then it's his choice, and neither of you criticise the other. Unless it's a safety issue obviously.

He's being selfish about the gym. If he's going regularly then it's only fair for you to go to. Don't give up on this one!

Well aren't you marvellous? You should write a book about how easy parenting a new born is because the new born stages are really easy for every single woman and they are just being lazy and making a fuss if they struggle.

My baby would scream hysterically if I did that. Not just grumble. I tried having a shower with her in bouncy chair. She was beside herself. Not worth it. I'd rather do it late at night in that case.
She also only contact naps or naps in the buggy/car so I can neither sleep or get jobs done when she naps.
Your baby may have been easier but not all babies are.

If I left my newborn to cry my dh woke, and when his sleep was disturbed he was at increased risk of a psychotic episode. Not everyone's life is the same and if the newborn stage is easy you just think you got lucky, not that other parents are doing it wrong.

I think with parenting you both need to accept (truly accept, not just tolerate) that it’s ok to do things differently!

He can feed his way, you can feed yours. He can dress them his way, you can do yours etc etc.

Babies will make it known if they’re not happy and whoever is looking after them at that point can adjust what they’re doing.

re getting time to yourself. This is the area where I do think it’s worth picking your battle…. parenting can be exhausting and even simple things can be hard. We used to do a quick check in on weekends and after DH got in from work to see who wanted/needed to do what and make a rough plan to accommodate it all so we both got what was important.

So he is 'on duty' for 6 hours a day (when the baby might be sleeping anyway) and the rest of the time you are the default parent and he gets to spend the time as he pleases?

I think it's fair enough to point out the feeding position - there are safety guidelines on this which should be easy enough to show him.

His offer of having the baby 6 hours out of 24 isn't fair at all and I would be pushing back on this - unless he is also cooking, sorting laundry, doing all the household jobs etc in his 'baby-free' time - I'd much rather be looking after my baby than ironing! If you are doing the house and the baby while he does his own thing then this is not fair and I'd focus on this over football shirts and how many layers the baby is wearing.