Hen do angst - feeling excluded

[baguetteandolives]

Would really love a healthy dose of reality/perspective and to be told I’m being silly.

I’m 31 and have a 3 year old and a 6 month old. I have a close knit group of friends who are my main support system and socialising.

Last summer I was invited to a uni friend’s wedding but was unable to go - fast forward to her hen do which I saw on Instagram with some of our other friends (who I am closer to) and which I knew nothing about. Felt quite hurt.

My husband’s best friend is getting married this summer. They are a trio of friends and I’ve known his fiance and his other friend’s wife around 5 years and while we’re not super close, get on really well and I really like her. It’s a small wedding (about 50 people) and again have just seen her post it on Instagram, with the other friend’s wife from the trio. I know she socialises with her much more as they live closer together but again I feel rejected and left out.

My brother is getting married soon; I know through the grapevine that his fiance is having a hen do in a month. I’ve not been invited. She doesn’t have sisters so I will be the closest thing, but still no invite. I’m very hurt as I felt we were a lovely mix of friends and family and she even invited me to her hair trial but now feel like it was clearly all in my head.

What is wrong with me that people just don’t want me at these occasions? I got married 6 years ago and didn’t know all but the first person (who came to my hen do) but genuinely think that if I was getting married now that I would invite all of them. It feels like more effort and almost a statement to exclude me than to invite me. I genuinely don’t believe I’ve upset anyone and I get along really well with them all, I’m fun on a night out and chatty and personable and nice but appreciate I’m
not best friends with any of the above so assume that is the reason why but it still feels so hurtful. I perceive hen dos as a celebration of the bride and an opportunity for the women attending a wedding to let down their hair and socialise beforehand so the wedding flows even better.

Can I have some sensible bracing words to make it sting less? I will not be saying anything to any of the brides of course.

Ok, I can understand why the first one stung. Why couldn’t you go to the wedding? Maybe she was being salty. Also I understand why your closer friends not mentioning it made that feel worse.

The second one doesn’t seem that big a deal, although it’s hard to find out someone doesn’t consider you as close as you do them.

SIL to be - this one I can understand but it depends who she’s inviting. It changes the vibe when you go beyond your main circle of friends. Maybe when you see the pictures her reasoning might become clearer.

I don’t think this is anything to do with you.

uni friend - if you’ve rsvp’d no to the wedding I wouldn’t invite you on the hen do.

brother’s fiance - do you actually know her? Have you met her? Sister is very, very different to prospective sister in law. Sister you have known all your life. Prospective sister in law you might never have met and I wouldn’t be inviting someone I’d never met on my hen.

Have you been refusing invitations to socialise recently? I mean, totally understandable given the age of your dc. Do people think you won’t come out/can’t make it?

celebration of the bride and an opportunity for the women attending a wedding to let down their hair and socialise beforehand so the wedding flows even better.

A hen do is for the bride to be to celebrate with her nearest and dearest friends and family before her big day. It’s not about inviting “the women” so they can all mingle before hand so the wedding flows better.

I get the first one. I would be hurt by that. The second so so. I invited only some of my husband’s friend’s wives and not others. I am much closer to some and see them much more.

The sister in law thing. Are you actually close? Just because she doesn’t have a sister doens mean you are close by extension. The relationship still needs to be there. I don’t agree with asking sister in laws to be in the bridal party or to hens just out of obligation

I think this might be it, there have been several things I’ve been invited to with the girl group but haven’t been able to attend due to being pregnant/with a newborn.

I know my future SIL very well - we work in the same career and are a very close family. Several big holidays together over the course of their relationship. Not besties obviously but really thought we had potential to be very close as we grow up. Clearly not. It’s very much made me want to distance a little

The OP’s perception of hen do’s is a lovely one but I’m not convinced that this is how most invitees view them.
It may be that I’m just not very sociable but in the OP’s shoes I’d be thanking my lucky stars I’d swerved an invite and saved myself a lot of money
I see plenty of hen’s out and about on a Friday and Saturday and if I had a £1 for every one of them who looks like they rather be somewhere else I’d be very rich indeed.

I’d have loved to have been invited - I’m a sociable sort and it would have been a welcome break from parenthood

I'd find all of these situations very hurtful too OP

I don’t think it’s you.

You were unable to attend the wedding of your friend so that often links to the hen invites.

The other cases seem to be because you aren’t their friend but more a friend by association.

Having two young children could be a factor too.

Honestly, if you couldn’t go to the university friend’s wedding, for many that automatically rules you out of the hen, so I wouldn’t find the first situation surprising or upsetting. I’m not sure why the presence of friends you are closer to at the hen upset you.

I wouldn’t have expected my DH’s best friend’s fiancée to invite me to her hen. You say yourself you’re not particularly close. Hens are for your closest female friends and relatives. For the same reason, I would never have expected my brother’s wife-to-be to invite me to her hen. It’s not generally the occasion for communing with your future spouses’s relatives unless you have an entirely independent friendship.

I have five SILs of whom I’m very fond, and attended none of their hens. Nor did I go to any of DH’s close friends’ fiancées’ hens. They were people I got on well with, but wouldn’t have been close friends with.

I think you’re torturing yourself needlessly.

I can only assume something else is going on with you that’s making you upset about being ‘excluded’ from events there’s no particular reason to expect to have been invited to.

@baguetteandolivesits honestly not a “statement” not to invite you to these hen dos, or a deliberate attempt to exclude you. I mean this kindly, but I imagine none of these people will have even thought about you in deciding who to invite to the hen.

The only example where this could be true is the first one and that depends on your reason for declining the wedding invite - if the bride was annoyed about this then she might have decided to exclude you from the hen. But it’s equally likely that you didn’t get an invite because she thought it made sense to have people who would be at the wedding there with her, or alternatively that she had closer friends who were more of a priority to invite. You don’t say how close you were to this uni friend, and if she was one of your very closest friends or just part of a group you see socially.

In the latter two examples, it’s likely just that there are other closer friends to the bride that they want to invite - there has to be a cut off somewhere.

and perhaps for your SIL to be, maybe she’s planning the sort of hen do where there might be some crude games - perhaps she thinks it would be awkward for you as the groom is your brother.

Either way, don’t cut off your nose to spite your face because you’ve not been invited to the hen. You can still have a close relationship with her and this is a lifelong relationship- it would be a shame to spoil it over something so trivial in the grand scheme of things.

Are other people organising the hen, so you might not be on their radar?

I would not be particularly bothered about not being invited, as these things seem to get more and more expensive, not just a meal out which they were in my day (old person!)

Is it more that you are just missing socialising like you did before DC?

I really feel for you, it's such a sting to find out that your relationship is a bit different in her head compared to yours. Is she thinking it's a hen do you might not enjoy? E.g., a big boozy weekend in Marbella that she imagines you might not be up for or be able to be away from the kids for? I'm just wondering if she thinks she's doing the 'right' thing.
A young colleague of mine didn't invite any family (sister-in-law, mother or mother-in-law) to their hen do because she just went on a massive booze up with her 24 year old friends. Her mum was really put out and there was a family row, she said it never occurred to her that she needed a nice 'family' bit of the hen do.

For balance I love (both!) my SIL but didn’t invite either to my hen as I wanted to get disgustingly drunk and laugh about all the single year antics etc. I wouldn't have felt comfortable doing that with them there!

I completely understand feeling excluded. I have one true friend, but go about my life regularly feeling like I've made new friends, only to discover I've overestimated things. I think I'm nice, maybe a bit dorky, but I don't think I do things to offend people. It hurts each time, even though I try to go in with low expectations!

For my hen do, my DH asked me to invite certain people, and I was happy to oblige. He asked if there was anyone I wanted invited to his stag, but there wasn't. I'm surprised your DB wouldn't want his future wife to invite his sister to her hen, but maybe it just doesn't hold that kind of importance to him.

I know it doesn't make it easier, but I think you probably put more significance on friendships than others, and they're probably just unaware rather than trying to exclude you. Sending you hugs.

Why couldn’t you go to your uni friends wedding? If you declined the wedding she probably thought you didn’t want to go to the hen do. Also if you have mutual friends surely they would have brought up the wedding and hen do at some point? I don’t think I would expect to be invited to a hen do if I declined the wedding though.

Your husband best friend’s fiancé isn’t really your friend though. You are only friendly because of your husband. Do you and the fiancé spent time together just you two? I don’t think I would expect an invite to a hen do if it was my husbands best friend’s fiancé. Yes you may be friendly and get along but she might not feel the same way about you.

Brother’s future wife. I think it depends what your relationship is like. Just because she doesn’t have a sister doesn’t mean she views you as a sister. I get on with my sister in law, so I would invite her to my hen do. But I don’t get along with my actual sister, so I wouldn’t invite her and wouldn’t feel bad about it either.

Honestly, I think you’re being sensitive here. Nothing is wrong with you. But people can invite whoever they want to their hen do. You might think along the lines of more the merrier and want to invite everyone but other people might chose a select few of close friends and family. It’s their hen do they can invite whoever they want, understand that you feel excluded but I eouid just try to move on from it. But everyone is going to be invited to everything.

I wouldn’t be inviting anyone to my hen do that I wouldn’t want there. I definitely wouldn’t be inviting people that my husband wanted there. 1, he would never ask that of me in the first place 2- why is he asking you to invite people, your hen has nothing to do with him. It also doesn’t really matter if her brother wants his sister at the hen do, it has nothing to do with him. Surely the bride can invite who she wants?

University friend - you didn't go to the wedding
Boyfriends, friends parter- just that; not your friend
Brothers finance - again, not your friend (almost weird, if there's going to be debauchery to have your future husbands sister there)

Also you have a six month old, so most people will assume that you're not up for partying just yet.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with you! You sound lovely and are clearly on good terms and friendly with a wide group of people.

my thoughts:

1. Uni friend: my understanding was that the etiquette was that only close friends of the bride who are attending the wedding are also invited to the hen and that it is rude to invite anyone else because it looks like you are only inviting them to contribute to the costs.
2. the relationship is too distant to be invited to the hen. Doesn't mean you don't get along or that you won't become extremely close in the future.
3. she just wants her friends that are separate to her new family. Again, doesn't mean you don't get along or that she doesn't consider you close.

I also think the age of your DC plays a big role here. No one wants to put a mum with young kids under stress, feeling like they have to accept an invitation even though it will be tough. You see lots of people post on here that they decline hens because they can't be away from their DC when they are so young.

I would keep doing what you're doing. You are a lovely friend and I 'm sure that there will be lots of opportunities to have some lovely social outings with your friends in the future.

The first one I’d assume it’s because you’re not coming to the wedding. Maybe she’s offended, was your reason Rock solid?

The other two it really depends on the type of hen they had , if it’s a everyone’s invited style then yes you have been sidelined and that’s not nice. If they had a specific friendship group only then it’s not personal you just aren’t part of that group.

I have different pockets of friends - a mum friends group, old friends, couple friends and a couple of single friendships.
My old friends and couple friends crossover so I had my main hen with them plus mil and sil and my sister. There was 10 of us in total so we could easily find shared activities to do. I also did a local meal out which included people not invited to main hen. I hope nobody was offended I just didn’t want a big hen with lots of different groups/needs.

Easier said than done, but try not to take this to heart. Snap on the children, I’ve a 3yo and a 7mo and the level of commitment I put into friendships at the moment is far from what I’d like, that’s completely amplified if the friends don’t have children themselves. Not sure if this is your situation but for me, at the moment my priority is my family dynamic and I look forward to reconnecting with everyone when I have a little more time on my hands. That being said, I haven’t completely dropped them I am just unsurprisingly a little less available.

Thank you everyone, so really useful feedback that has given me a reality check. To answer some questions, I didn’t attend uni friend’s wedding as I would have had a newborn at the time and it was in a far flung country which would have cost several thousand to attend in lieu of any sort of family holiday so it was just not feasible, and she was absolutely lovely and fine about it. We are in the same friendship group but aren’t super close, so I don’t think she really expected me to come so far for it, but I would have been so happy to join at the London based hen but then didn’t even know it had taken place until I saw my friends’ instagram stories. What’s even stranger is the two who organised it are the two I’m closest to in the group and my third friend, to whom I expressed sadness about not being invited, was very surprised and was convinced it was a mistake.

I think I’m most hurt by future SIL - it feels quite significant to not be invited to a one off significant life event like this when I thought we were similar and were building a strong relationship but appreciate that the hen might be smaller/one friendship group etc. I don’t know anything about it as I haven’t wanted to make it awkward and ask any further questions once it was clear I wasn’t invited. Will assume it’s reasonably low key and for her closest, most established oldest friends rather than going down the train of thought I have been - that everyone is going except me

Oooh your brothers fiance is an odd one. Sorry, I'd feel exactly the same. If you are feindly with them I can't see what harm you'd do.

Did your SIL have two hen dos? I had two, one with my friends and one with family and some friends.

The close friends one, my SIL was not invited to even though we are very close and get on really well. Why? I’m just someone who likes to keep boundaries. We might get along extremely well and be quite close, but she’s still my dh sister first before my friend so I prefer to keep that separate.