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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Hen do angst - feeling excluded

54 replies

baguetteandolives · 24/05/2025 19:14

Would really love a healthy dose of reality/perspective and to be told I’m being silly.

I’m 31 and have a 3 year old and a 6 month old. I have a close knit group of friends who are my main support system and socialising.

Last summer I was invited to a uni friend’s wedding but was unable to go - fast forward to her hen do which I saw on Instagram with some of our other friends (who I am closer to) and which I knew nothing about. Felt quite hurt.

My husband’s best friend is getting married this summer. They are a trio of friends and I’ve known his fiance and his other friend’s wife around 5 years and while we’re not super close, get on really well and I really like her. It’s a small wedding (about 50 people) and again have just seen her post it on Instagram, with the other friend’s wife from the trio. I know she socialises with her much more as they live closer together but again I feel rejected and left out.

My brother is getting married soon; I know through the grapevine that his fiance is having a hen do in a month. I’ve not been invited. She doesn’t have sisters so I will be the closest thing, but still no invite. I’m very hurt as I felt we were a lovely mix of friends and family and she even invited me to her hair trial but now feel like it was clearly all in my head.

What is wrong with me that people just don’t want me at these occasions? I got married 6 years ago and didn’t know all but the first person (who came to my hen do) but genuinely think that if I was getting married now that I would invite all of them. It feels like more effort and almost a statement to exclude me than to invite me. I genuinely don’t believe I’ve upset anyone and I get along really well with them all, I’m fun on a night out and chatty and personable and nice but appreciate I’m
not best friends with any of the above so assume that is the reason why but it still feels so hurtful. I perceive hen dos as a celebration of the bride and an opportunity for the women attending a wedding to let down their hair and socialise beforehand so the wedding flows even better.

Can I have some sensible bracing words to make it sting less? I will not be saying anything to any of the brides of course.

OP posts:
Original poster
baguetteandolives · 26/05/2025 20:54

No mention of a second one so think it’s just the one. That’s it really - what harm would I do - but would be a lovely thing in terms of establishing what I thought was a growing relationship. We’ve hung out this Saturday with her and my brother, and no mention.

OP posts:
honeyfox · 26/05/2025 21:01

That's very strange, I'd be hurt too.

Yellowlab34 · 26/05/2025 21:24

I don't have particularly crazy friends, but I have been to hen nights where there's been some snogging on the dance floor, definately not appropriate for in-laws eyes, that may be part of it.

bestbefore · 26/05/2025 21:30

Why not ask the SIL if she’s having a hen do? Or is it obvious she is?

ThinWomansBrain · 26/05/2025 21:30

Just read some of the threads on here about dire hen weekends/holidays & dramas/fallings out.
You'll soon realise that you've dodged a bullet.
Have a break with a partner or a good friend - avoid the hen drama.

Tbrh · 27/05/2025 00:34

Just read your update OP, kindly, you sound very intense. It sounds reasonable if you had a newborn that you wouldn't be invited to your uni friends hens, she probably didn't want to put you in an awkward position. And now you're going on about your SIL. I personally would want to let loose on my hens and not have to keep myself in check, so wouldn't invite my SIL. The fact your DH told you who to invite to yours is not the norm. Obviously you're very inclusive, which is lovely but don't take these things so personally and don't make a big deal about them to others as that's really creating unnecessary drama.

KrisAkabusi · 27/05/2025 01:08

I'm going to guess that you don't have a sister, because it sounds like you seem to be preparing your future sister in law for the role.
"really thought we had potential to be very close as we grow up."
"She doesn’t have sisters so I will be the closest thing"
"I thought we were similar and were building a strong relationship".

It sounds like youve built up this picture of the two of you in the future. But its coming across as quite intense here, and she probably doesnt think the way that you do. You're a mother with kids of your own. You've already grown up. Don't try and force things with her.

beAsensible1 · 27/05/2025 01:14

I think

  1. you refused the wedding so it’s unlikely you would be invited to wedding events unless a close family member
  2. it’s not reasonable of you to expect an invite to husbands best friends fiancés hen dos. Yes you know her but ultimately you know each others as mutual “plus-ones” that’s invites to large gatherings with dh not small ones
  3. In-laws are tricky and really while It’s nice to and good manners, you aren’t her friend and she doesn’t really know you like that.

add all this to you having a 6 months old am none of these people being close enough to you to know if you want to go or I not I can understand the lack of invite.

why not organise an outing with your friends and socialise with people of your choice?

avignon1234 · 27/05/2025 01:38

babystarsandmoon · 24/05/2025 23:04

I don’t think it’s you.

You were unable to attend the wedding of your friend so that often links to the hen invites.

The other cases seem to be because you aren’t their friend but more a friend by association.

Having two young children could be a factor too.

I agree with this, especially for 1. People are really careless when it comes to this stuff (they don't mean to be, and would be gutted if they knew they were being accidentally hurtful), and often the hen party organisations are done by someone who is not the hen, and they may not know you even exist, and if you feel strongly, a quick word with the bride to be soon sorts it out, so ask the question if you want to go. I also think you have dodged a bullet tbh. Having been on plenty, they are largely expensive and tedious with forced jollity with a load of people you do not know that well. The only benefit in most of my cases is you "sort of know them better" come the wedding. I can't think of one that has enriched my life in any way, sorry to not report better, I've been on some horrors! x

GreenOtter · 27/05/2025 01:44

I think this might be it, there have been several things I’ve been invited to with the girl group but haven’t been able to attend due to being pregnant/with a newborn.

I think if invites come and someone keeps saying no, maybe this may be one of the reasons invites don’t come as frequently.

crazeekat · 27/05/2025 01:55

uni friend, I’d be more hurt at the other friends not saying.

hubbys friends, sit on the fence. Ur not too close but still offer would have been nice if it was a big do and considering how close their husbands are its a bit shit.

sister in law to be, this is disrespectful as fk

WhatHaveIDone889 · 27/05/2025 02:18

You say no to wedding, you don't get invited to the hen do

Husband's best friend = well, says it all. Your not HER best friend are you?

SIL - I didn't have my own future SIL at my wedding. I like her but hen do was for me and my besties.

You're probably feeling isolated having 2 small kids when your friends don't. It's ok. I feel the same!!! My life is completely different to my friends' lives. It is what it is. Keep them as friends, make an effort where you can. Your life will become a bit easier in a few years.

FrodoBiggins · 27/05/2025 02:25

baguetteandolives · 26/05/2025 20:54

No mention of a second one so think it’s just the one. That’s it really - what harm would I do - but would be a lovely thing in terms of establishing what I thought was a growing relationship. We’ve hung out this Saturday with her and my brother, and no mention.

How often do you hang out with her on your own? How often do you text or ring her? I would say I'm friends in my own right with my siblings' partners - I just looked at my WhatsApp and I've had conversations with both of them (not in a group) in the last week about non-family things.

Same with the first woman, who you said you were in a friend group with but not super close to, how often were you having one-to-one contact with?

I think tbh if I were planning my own hen today, unless I wanted it to be massive which most people don't, I wouldn't just invite girls who I'm friendly with in a larger group/through family, including my partner's sister. And that's really not to say that I don't think they're lovely (which I'm sure you are, you sound really nice), brilliant company, or want to see them again. I would just want those closest to me and a manageable number!

Tbrh · 27/05/2025 02:54

FrodoBiggins · 27/05/2025 02:25

How often do you hang out with her on your own? How often do you text or ring her? I would say I'm friends in my own right with my siblings' partners - I just looked at my WhatsApp and I've had conversations with both of them (not in a group) in the last week about non-family things.

Same with the first woman, who you said you were in a friend group with but not super close to, how often were you having one-to-one contact with?

I think tbh if I were planning my own hen today, unless I wanted it to be massive which most people don't, I wouldn't just invite girls who I'm friendly with in a larger group/through family, including my partner's sister. And that's really not to say that I don't think they're lovely (which I'm sure you are, you sound really nice), brilliant company, or want to see them again. I would just want those closest to me and a manageable number!

Show quote history

This is a really good point. I'd only consider someone a friend if we communicated regularly on our own and if we went out frequently on our own, coffee, drinks, lunch or dinner. If I only knew someone in a group setting I would consider them an acquaintance. Even with the uni friend you said you're not that close, but you're friends of a larger friendship group. SIL hen do though, definitely a no-no, I would find that so inappropriate unless it's going to be something fairly tame. Whatever you do, don't make a big deal about SIL hen do unless you want to permanently ruin any future relationship you might have

Renabrook · 27/05/2025 03:34

I just presume if I am not invited to something it may be a millions reasons, they may just want their book friends there, or all love the same tv show, like the same cocktail, invite their actual friends and not just people they have to invite because of some connection others think they have, it does not have to be a conscious thing to exclude anyone and I find that people that think they are being ''excluded" is more about them that the person who is having the event

More and more I am finding on here whether it is social events or school ''mums', how collegues act or whatever, people have decided what needs to happen and if it doesn't happen the way they think to other person or people is in the wrong, then people with other issues themselves will of course go along with the OP, cant see it is healthy really

Maybe instead of working why you have decided you are being 'excluded' work on issues in your own life rather than blame others?

MayaPinion · 27/05/2025 03:45

Wedding 1: you couldn’t go to the wedding
Wedding 2: Friendly but not close friends with bride
Wedding 3: Future in law

I think these are all suitable reasons not to invite you. Hen do’s I’ve been on usually only have 10-12 people max at them. It’s really the bridesmaids and inner circle. Mine had my sister, best friends from school, and a few close uni/work friends. So, I don’t think you’re not good friends with them, or they don’t like you, but you’re probably just not part of their core group.

someonehastoberight · 27/05/2025 05:23

I think it would be ok to ask sil about her hen. More in an interested what have you planned sort of a way.

sesquipedalian · 27/05/2025 05:45

OP, I can completely understand why your future SIL didn’t invite you to the hen - she may have a gaggle of her own friends she wants to invite, and depending on what the hen is, it’s just a matter of numbers. I can also imagine that she might well think you wouldn’t be happy to leave your DC - they are well young! You are overthinking all this - a hen do isn’t that big of a deal, and I simply cannot imagine why you would expect your DH’s best friend’s fiancée to have invited you - she will have her own group of friends. A hen is normally quite small - so bridesmaids and a couple of close friends and an actual sister if there is one. Kindly, OP, you are expecting invitations where there is no expectation that you would be on the guest list.

Tbrh · 27/05/2025 05:52

someonehastoberight · 27/05/2025 05:23

I think it would be ok to ask sil about her hen. More in an interested what have you planned sort of a way.

Don't do this unless you want to permanently cause an issue. If she wanted to invite you she would have. People really need to get a grip and some emotional IQ!

Renabrook · 27/05/2025 05:56

someonehastoberight · 27/05/2025 05:23

I think it would be ok to ask sil about her hen. More in an interested what have you planned sort of a way.

Why would it be ok to ask?

someonehastoberight · 27/05/2025 05:57

Tbrh · 27/05/2025 05:52

Don't do this unless you want to permanently cause an issue. If she wanted to invite you she would have. People really need to get a grip and some emotional IQ!

Show quote history

Why is it a problem to show an interest in someone’s plans? It doesn’t mean she’s hinting for an invite! It’s no different to asking about a wedding or holiday plans unless there was a specific reason op wasn’t included it shouldn’t need to be a taboo topic.

Renabrook · 27/05/2025 05:59

someonehastoberight · 27/05/2025 05:57

Why is it a problem to show an interest in someone’s plans? It doesn’t mean she’s hinting for an invite! It’s no different to asking about a wedding or holiday plans unless there was a specific reason op wasn’t included it shouldn’t need to be a taboo topic.

Show quote history

If the op was genuinely interested in their plans they would not need to be advised to to ask, there is a difference in asking because of normal conversation and asking because you have decided to be thought of as excluded

nomas · 27/05/2025 06:09

I think you have to reframe these things in your head. e.g. Instead of ‘she didn’t invite me because she doesn’t like me’ think of it as ‘there was probably a mistake, the MoH probably forgot to include me’. You’re looking for the worst reason when it’s likely not that.

She doesn’t have sisters so I will be the closest thing, but still no invite.

This is possible but not guaranteed. In any case, a relationship where you feel the closest thing to sisters would take time. I’m not close to my SILs, we’re all different to each other, but we get along fine at family events.

Tbrh · 27/05/2025 06:17

someonehastoberight · 27/05/2025 05:57

Why is it a problem to show an interest in someone’s plans? It doesn’t mean she’s hinting for an invite! It’s no different to asking about a wedding or holiday plans unless there was a specific reason op wasn’t included it shouldn’t need to be a taboo topic.

Show quote history

It totally means she's hinting for an invite, in this case that is correct! If SIL hasn't specifically mentioned her hens there's a reason for it. I mean it depends on the situation obviously, in some cases it would be normal and natural, I suspect it won't be in this one, don't you think? Hence the comment re Emotional IQ, time and a place and all that

RampantIvy · 27/05/2025 06:27

@baguetteandolives are you the first out of all these women to have children?
Maybe it was assumed you couldn't go?