Hen do angst - feeling excluded

[baguetteandolives]

Would really love a healthy dose of reality/perspective and to be told I’m being silly.

I’m 31 and have a 3 year old and a 6 month old. I have a close knit group of friends who are my main support system and socialising.

Last summer I was invited to a uni friend’s wedding but was unable to go - fast forward to her hen do which I saw on Instagram with some of our other friends (who I am closer to) and which I knew nothing about. Felt quite hurt.

My husband’s best friend is getting married this summer. They are a trio of friends and I’ve known his fiance and his other friend’s wife around 5 years and while we’re not super close, get on really well and I really like her. It’s a small wedding (about 50 people) and again have just seen her post it on Instagram, with the other friend’s wife from the trio. I know she socialises with her much more as they live closer together but again I feel rejected and left out.

My brother is getting married soon; I know through the grapevine that his fiance is having a hen do in a month. I’ve not been invited. She doesn’t have sisters so I will be the closest thing, but still no invite. I’m very hurt as I felt we were a lovely mix of friends and family and she even invited me to her hair trial but now feel like it was clearly all in my head.

What is wrong with me that people just don’t want me at these occasions? I got married 6 years ago and didn’t know all but the first person (who came to my hen do) but genuinely think that if I was getting married now that I would invite all of them. It feels like more effort and almost a statement to exclude me than to invite me. I genuinely don’t believe I’ve upset anyone and I get along really well with them all, I’m fun on a night out and chatty and personable and nice but appreciate I’m
not best friends with any of the above so assume that is the reason why but it still feels so hurtful. I perceive hen dos as a celebration of the bride and an opportunity for the women attending a wedding to let down their hair and socialise beforehand so the wedding flows even better.

Can I have some sensible bracing words to make it sting less? I will not be saying anything to any of the brides of course.

Hen dos are inviting close friends and close family to celebrate

if not going to wedding I wouidnt invite /go to the hen

This

My brother is getting married soon; I know through the grapevine that his fiance is having a hen do in a month. I’ve not been invited. She doesn’t have sisters so I will be the closest thing, but still no invite.

I have no sisters, the next closest thing is my friends, not someone my brother has decided to go out with! I didn't invite my brother's girlfriend or my husband's sister to my hen night-that was for my close friends.

I would probably think that you weren't invited to the hen of the university friend because you didn't want to go to the wedding due to having just had a baby, so they assumed you wouldn't want to go to that either.

You’re making a pattern and a narrative about it being personal that doesn’t stand up to any scrutiny. The first one you declined the wedding so shouldn’t be hurt or surprised not to get a hen night invite. The second was not a close friend and a very small wedding so again no reason why she’d invite you to her hen do. The in law is the only one where you might more logically expect to go on hen night but not necessarily if she’s only asking close friends. I only five friends on mine and have been on others like that where you just want a tight combo who you’re very comfortable with, not upping numbers just for convention or family politics. People are much more bespoke with their wedding plans now and aren’t doing the trad stuff just because. Try not to take it personally, especially as you’ve been declining lots of invites because of pregnancy and newborn so your idea that you’re bang up for stuff isn’t borne out by more recent history. Recalibrate your expectations of others and yourself and organise some nights out with these people if you really want to socialise with them. If not and it’s more fomo then that’s more of a social media issue and not worth stressing over irl.