to think that family should occasionally visit us?

[burnda]

we have a spare room. Moved down south 25 years ago.
In that time we’ve had a handful of visits from relatives up north (4 hours away) and the expectation has always been for us to go visit them.

My sister used to make an annual trip down, but hasn’t been to our house for 8 years now. My Mum is elderly now, but wasn’t when we first moved south and it took her 6 weeks to see her first grandchild as it meant getting herself on a train (2.5 hrs) at the time (which I always paid for)

I think their belief is that as we moved, we should always make the effort to go there. Is that fair, or should they occasionally come to us? We’ve invited them and have room.
We go up there approximately 4 or 5 times a year and there have been periods where it’s been more frequent than this, but the older I get, the more reluctant I am to keep making visits when they’re not returned. Ever.

This is the same as my family and we all live within 20 mins of each other 🙄 I think some people are the goers and some are the stayers. Sounds like your family are the stayers. I've tested with my family and if I don't make an effort to get in touch or go to them, then we don't speak/see each other unfortunately.
It is highly annoying and YANBU at all. Maybe send a group message saying something along the lines of "hey fam, fancied having a big family get together this year, why don't yous all come to mine since its been forever!". See what type of response you get ?

Whether they visit you or not is up to them, but you're also choosing to do the 8 hour round trip 5 times a year.

Mine are the same and they only live 30 mins away. I have to take my kids to their house otherwise they would never see them

they’re often making passive aggressive digs about us not visiting enough, but don’t seem bothered about ever coming to see us. I sometimes think it’s a punishment for the fact we moved away.

I do actually think it's on the movers to do most of the travelling. You chose that afterall. (I am a mover in the same position)

Just go when you feel like it. If you don’t feel like it, don’t go. They sound a bit pathetic though.

As I seem to say a lot on here, the only behaviour you can control is your own. If you repeatedly invite them, and make it clear that this is a genuine, not a token, invitation, and they don’t visit, but you still want to see them, your only options are visiting them, or accepting that you see them less than you would like.

It’s a thing.
DH live 150 miles from his family. In 40 years his parents have visited us three times and his sister once for the wedding; this is despite numerous invitations.
His dad is dead now and his mother is very elderly so can’t travel. We still visit about four times a year out of duty but won’t be going again when she dies.
Looking on the bright side although we never had any help with childcare, neither have we done any elderly care, which has all fallen on his sister.

I make it clear its a genuine and not token invitation, but I don’t want to keep nagging and then get a duty visit from them, which they’re doing out of guilt, iykwim?

But it sounds like you’re visiting them out of guilt rather than pleasure 🤷‍♀️

Why not just say “it’s your turn to visit us this time, we’ll come to you after you’ve been here.”

Then it’s on them to come to you, and if they don’t, they can’t guilt you into going to them, because you can just say, “yep we’re happy to visit when it’s our turn, but let us host this time.”

If they want to see you they’ll come and if they don’t, they won’t.

So stop, accept that they won’t visit, and that you will need to be the one who travels if you want to see them?

Unless there’s a reason why someone can’t travel - or if it’s very hard for them to travel - I don’t agree that the onus should always be on the one/s who moved. Obviously, there are times and stages in life when it is harder (like with newborns or when elderly or sick), so there should be adjustments and concessions made for those situations but if you presumably love each other and enjoy seeing each other, then there should be an effort made on both sides.

It doesn’t have to be (and sometimes can’t be) always equal but if it’s only one way, that can be very hurtful. If others choose not to make any effort when they reasonably could, honestly I would just stick to what I was happy to do/could afford, so if that meant two visits instead of four, so be it.

Any passive aggressive digs/comments, reiterate you’d love to see them more often and that you’re happy to have them stay with you and leave them to it.

I do think as the “movers” the onus is on you to do it really, especially with quite a long travel.

I also think if the rest of your family lives in say Newcastle it’s a lot easier for you to travel to them, and then be able to see the whole family during your trip, than it is for the whole family to have to travel down to where you chose to move to.

You sound lovely

Visit out of duty
Look on the bright side no elderly care

The only thing you missed out in crass bingo is how much you expect to inherit

Perhaps their thought is that they are all in the north, so if you visit, you can see all of them, whereas they would need to visit you one at a time.

Also, you know the north, it is your home town. They don't know the south and may find that stressful. I can think of some older members of my family who regard a four hour UK journey as a military campaign.

Me, I'll travel anywhere for a change of scene and some fun 🤗

I agree. It makes the most sense.

It’s money, time and effort. Staying in a random Uk town in someone’s spare bedroom isn’t very appealing. When you go home, you’re going home, everyone’s there. Your history is there. You get a lot more out of it.

I guess it is what it is and we’ll go there (because we want to)

We’ve thought about moving back, but we love where we live and our children love it here too.

All of my siblings have moved away* and the two who live in the country still we’ve always made an effort to visit. Only one has a spare room and I’m the one with kids. We love them, we want to see them. They come here more often as our parents live near me too but we’ve always made an effort to go there too so it’s fair.

The other is on the other side of the world and we really can’t afford to go there but we move heaven and earth to meet up on their terms when they come back to visit and we FaceTime every week.

*I wasn’t the reason they moved 😂

I agree with you OP. It's fair for you to do the majority of the trips (as you moved away) but I think they should come to you sometimes. I guess you can't force them though.

Completely disagree that the onus is on the movers to visit. In my circle of friends nearly everyone went to university and then moved wherever they got a job. Hardly anyone lives in their home town. It is the same at work where everyone is very mobile and there are lots of Europeans too. There is no law that says you should settle in your home town and that it is all your fault if you move away. Many people move away from home because of jobs. However, I do see where we live now that so many people stay in their local area for life.

What also bugs me is how the in laws who are retired complain about driving to us as the distance is too far and makes them tired, yet they expect us to come and see them when we have full time jobs and the weekends are taken up with cleaning, shopping, gardening and children's activities etc.

You chose to put the distance between you all so I can see why they expect you to come to them.

I guess if they all live in the same place, they probably think it's easier for you to visit and see everyone rather than them all coming to see you individually? I would just visit when you want to. If they complain you don't visit enough, you can remind them that you've invited them very often and they never visit!

We go up there approximately 4 or 5 times a year

Well in that case I wouldn't be visiting you either, because I'd already be sick of the sight of you! 😛