to think that family should occasionally visit us?

[burnda]

we have a spare room. Moved down south 25 years ago.
In that time we’ve had a handful of visits from relatives up north (4 hours away) and the expectation has always been for us to go visit them.

My sister used to make an annual trip down, but hasn’t been to our house for 8 years now. My Mum is elderly now, but wasn’t when we first moved south and it took her 6 weeks to see her first grandchild as it meant getting herself on a train (2.5 hrs) at the time (which I always paid for)

I think their belief is that as we moved, we should always make the effort to go there. Is that fair, or should they occasionally come to us? We’ve invited them and have room.
We go up there approximately 4 or 5 times a year and there have been periods where it’s been more frequent than this, but the older I get, the more reluctant I am to keep making visits when they’re not returned. Ever.

This is a similar situation to us. We live down south and all husbands family are up north. It’s a 5/6 hour drive. His siblings have visited us a few times over the years but mostly we go up there. I guess it’s easier for us as we can see everyone all together, but I’d love for them to visit us more but completely understand it’s a long drive. To be honest we’ve had to start going up less due to cost ourselves.

Don't visit them out of duty. If you want to visit, do so. If not, match their energy and don't bother.

Well they never phoned/visited us.
We had to stay in hotels when we visited with DC’s as they couldn’t cope with visitors staying, so it cost us about £500 per visit.
No inheritance unfortunately they don’t have anything to leave.
But obviously you are a much nicer person than me despite making snide comments to strangers.

We are 2 hours away. It’s almost always us going to them, but in fairness we can see both sets of parents and the cousins whereas they can only see just us.

When my parents could drive they visited regularly, but ill health put an end to that in recent years (age 78+ with sight issues).

The in-laws have never, ever visited, not even to see newborn grandchildren. My brother comes once or twice a year, DP’s brother has been once in 23 years.

I think alot of it stems from resentment about us moving away. Over 25 years ago! I’ve had 25 years of constant snark about it.

I think its to do with the time it takes. I'm pleased to spend the day with my brother if he comes up here but not willing to spend the weekend it would take me to visit them unless it is a special occasion eg wedding.

I think the ‘you moved so you have to be the one who travels to visit’ attitude deeply odd — I’ve only ever encountered it on here. I’ve moved around a lot, so have friends from lots of different parts of the world, and I barely know anyone who lives anywhere at all close to where they grew up, and lots not in the same country. I mean, it’s pretty usual for people to live far away from wherever they grew up, and for parents to move after their children have left, too. It’s not a rejection! There’s something weirdly hostile about ‘You upped and left so you have to trek back on visits’, as if it’s punishment the leaver should have expected for having the temerity to choose somewhere else over family!

Explain why they’re so resentful to me — I genuinely don’t get it. Is it very rare for people not to stay where they grew up in your family circles?

yes, it is. They all live within a 5 min drive of each other and wouldn’t dream of moving away. My Mum especially, hasn’t stopped asking when I’m moving “back home” for the past 25 years we’ve lived away! And she’s got both my siblings around the corner, who she sees all the time, so she’s not lonely

This.

Tell them the road goes in both directions. Like planes fly in both directions. If they will not bother then don't bother.

(Been there)

I think it is a common problem.
My PIL live up north, they have a dog too, that also prevents them visiting.

DH's Dsis or Dbro don't visit either. His dbro has twice for communions, I haven't been there in 3 years. DH visits 4/5 times a year still, the kids enjoy going up, as they get older it will change, there is always accommodation, the cost of the mini trip add up.

He is definitely going to pull back as we're having a family holiday from now on in summer.

The traffic and driving could be harder and seem like a nighmare for them maybe.
Just visit them when it suits you and keep the invitation open to them. It is a bit sad when you'd love them to stay with you.

Could you all have a lot of enjoyment, from time to time, meeting halfway at a Nation Trust site or fun park etc?

Gosh, people vary, don’t they? I’m one of five siblings, not from the UK, and at one point we were living in Greece, Beijing, Lodz, Tokyo and London — none of us in our home country. Our parents never implied this was in anyway unreasonable or wondered whether we were coming home. (Three of us are now living within an hour’s drive of our parents.) DH has nine nephews and nieces, and while three live in their home city, the other six are in Berlin, Calgary, Perth, London, Denver and south-west France.

and yes this too.

When I was young until finishing high school extended family were a 4 hour drive away. We used to travel every second month or so for the weekend (after school friday and back on Sunday) and would spend a fair amount of school holidays and christmas etc there. They were invited to our locale for a Big Birthday and they just sighed and said 'too far, what do you expect us to travel all that way for'. Difference was ... parents worked full time and my mother did night shifts as a nurse and my grandparents and aunt and uncle were either retired or did not work at all.

Well, we never travelled again in their direction from that point on.

To those saying the onus is on the movers, that seems to say that moving away is abnormal or out of the ordinary or something.
Why should the home town be the default location?

Op we have this with our pils who love an hour away. They even came for a holiday in the next town to us and didn't visit, we still had to go to them. Very odd. And our home and family is always hospitable so I've never understood them.

YANBU

Just stop visiting them so much and let them be passive agressive. If you have to say it is too expensive to continue to do the several visits, do so.

The whole movers have to be the ones who travel is absolutely stupid. You didn’t choose to be born where you grew up. People didn’t choose to be born into a family that has lived in xyz area for decades or more. Many people can’t just move back to where they grew up nor should they have to be limited to just that place. If relationships are about give and take, why do the ones who have to move always have to give? If this was another issue, people would be telling movers not to be doormats.

A few different things going on.

1. Appalling that your Mum didn't just come down to you straight away when you had your baby. Wild horses wouldn't keep me away from any of my dc, and newborn dgc.
2. Logically, if you return 'home', then you see everyone and everyone sees you, so that makes more sense, a lot of the time, than one person or one couple going down to you. Presumably, 25 years ago, it also meant you could meet up with some mates whilst you were home.
3. If you are already visiting 4 or 5 times a year, it kind of takes away the need for anyone to visit you. You are already all seeing each other regularly.
4. When each of my dc have moved away, I've wanted to go and get to know their new home area, and been able to picture them living there, so, for me I'd want to go and stay. I can't understand healthy individuals never going to visit adult dc
5. There's a stage of life, when you are raising dc, when it is really difficult to be traveling away for weekends, so, again, I'd go and visit adult dc and dgd to make my adult dcs' lives easier, whilst I was physically able to do so.

So, obviously YANBU to think people should have visited sometimes, even though it makes sense for you to do the 'returning' more often than they visit you.

I always am miffed by people moving and getting all excited about how much we will visit!! Had this with a semi close friend who just moved to the coast. Just because she is in tourist area doesn’t mean I necessarily want to do all the visiting!!

it needs to go both ways - and only if you want to

I get this.
I live 15 min walk from my "parents" and I've been in my house 3 years. They've bothered to visit TWICE.
They don't know my kids and favour my oldest siblings kid (as I knew would happen) she lives over 90 mins away and they see her every week sometimes more.
Evry year on each birthday its "what date is X birthday again"
Like bitch eldest is 11. It's embarrassing. Last year I told her exactly what I thought. Nothing has changed. No contact since October 2024. And I'm not really bothered any more lol.

Not an easy one to suggest what the best thing to do is. Some people are attached to the place they grew up in much more than others.

My maternal grandmother moved south in her early twenties and hardly ever had her relatives visit her at all, indeed my other grandmother visited her (and vice-versa) more often.

OTOH I perfer DH doing the visits, it is easier as they have the extra bedrooms, I get to stay at home with the dog and everyone makes an extra effort when the DC visit.

He will reduce it to 3 times a year, DS will be disappointed.

You're the ones that moved - why should they be the ones to visit you?

We moved 2days drive away, 15 years ago (Australia). It's a 2hr flight. I visit for Xmas once every four years. I have occasionally popped down for a weekend (eg when my mum died we started a week; a bank holiday weekend twice). One of my brother's visited with his wife soon after we moved, the other has never. My dad used to come twice a year before COVID happened, now down to once a year, if that. That's fine. My kids face time all their GPs (PIL live in UK). We know we're isolated but we deal with it.
Pass agg comments need to be shut down.
Good luck.
Enjoy your lovely life, in the area you want to live in

I'm definitely biased, as I'm a "mover" but I hate the "well you moved, so all the onus of visiting should be on you".

I didn't move away because I wanted to, I moved because it was the only way to get a job in the field I studied in. Should I really be punished for the rest of my life because I didn't just sack off my education and totally change my career direction in order to live near home? I would have loved to get a job near home, I looked extensively, they didn't exist. Yes, i could possibly move now i have more work experience/chance to work remotely, but at this point I've been here almost 20years and it's my home now. Why should I leave my home?

I think it's fine for the "mover" to maybe take slightly more of the travelling burden, especially if them travelling back means they can see multiple people (whereas people coming here means just seeing us), but for it to be totally one sided I think is a shitty way to behave. Don't you want to see their house/their local area/that pub they're always saying does the best roast dinner or whatever? I have other friends who are also "movers" and whilst the travel sucks, i like seeing them in their own environment and they can show off their lives if you like.

Agreed.
That said, I rarely bother going back now either.