Page 3 | to think that family should occasionally visit us?

Gingercatlover · 25/05/2025 11:34

It should be reciprocated! Not fair that you should carry the responsibility of keeping the relationship going.
my parent are the same, I moved 3 miles away!

LikeWhoUsesTypewritersAnyway · 25/05/2025 11:47

Toiletbrushanswer · 24/05/2025 10:44

I do actually think it's on the movers to do most of the travelling. You chose that afterall. (I am a mover in the same position)

I do agree with this. If you make the choice to move 4 hours away from your hometown/where you and your family grew up, (so I guess 180-200 miles away,) it's unreasonable to expect people to travel to you as often as you travel to them. (And in most cases people don't/won't.)

BUT, in the case of the OP, it sounds like her family CBA at all. No visits for 8 years is a bit off. It is the risk you take when you move away though. I moved away (me and DH) from our hometown/family some 10-11 years ago,(just 30 miles away,) and most extended family visited once or twice during the first year, (just out of nosiness I think!) and have never been since. A small handful of them come twice a year. We go to our old hometown (and see them) maybe every 4-6 weeks.

One of my adult DC was thinking about moving down to Kent a few years ago (we are North Mids) and they would have been 4-5 hours drive. I remember secretly hoping and wishing and praying that they wouldn't go, as I really couldn't be arsed to be doing 10 hour round trips to visit, along with the expense of a hotel (I wouldn't want to stay with them and their DP. I HATE staying with people. I feel so awkward and uncomfortable.)

Luckily, they only moved 35 minutes drive away! They were 20 minutes drive away and moved 15 minutes further away!

CosyLemur · 25/05/2025 11:49

burnda · 24/05/2025 10:26

we have a spare room. Moved down south 25 years ago.
In that time we’ve had a handful of visits from relatives up north (4 hours away) and the expectation has always been for us to go visit them.

My sister used to make an annual trip down, but hasn’t been to our house for 8 years now. My Mum is elderly now, but wasn’t when we first moved south and it took her 6 weeks to see her first grandchild as it meant getting herself on a train (2.5 hrs) at the time (which I always paid for)

I think their belief is that as we moved, we should always make the effort to go there. Is that fair, or should they occasionally come to us? We’ve invited them and have room.
We go up there approximately 4 or 5 times a year and there have been periods where it’s been more frequent than this, but the older I get, the more reluctant I am to keep making visits when they’re not returned. Ever.

In our family the people that moved have always been the ones to make the journey more. It's their decision to move not anyone else's so they're the ones that put more effort into visiting. (I'm one of them btw)

Calmdownpeople · 25/05/2025 11:50

Yup par for the course I’m afraid. Very common complaint. I know many many many expats who never have families visit and the expectation is you go home. Very rare daily visits and unfortunately this is the way it is.

ChillWith · 25/05/2025 12:04

My family is spread across three countries. Two of us make all the effort and my sibling on same land mass makes none. Have stopped making the effort

ridl14 · 25/05/2025 12:35

Toiletbrushanswer · 24/05/2025 10:44

I do actually think it's on the movers to do most of the travelling. You chose that afterall. (I am a mover in the same position)

Depends how old your children are! I moved out of London and went back really often to see friends and family. My best friend and brother have made a huge effort to come up to see us, even if just for a day trip (1h train).

Now I have a baby, we're planning to try him in the car to see family in the nearest bit of the city to us. A number of friends made the trip to see us after he was born and I appreciate it's not easy. But I'll always put my baby and his needs first, I know my BIL and SIL found it tough to travel with a toddler who couldn't handle the long car journey. If people are physically able to make the trip and choose not to, they can be content with video calls. Next time there's a dig, ask when they'd like to visit as DC would love to see them

phoenixrosehere · 25/05/2025 17:49

EnterFunnyNameHere · 25/05/2025 11:27

I'm definitely biased, as I'm a "mover" but I hate the "well you moved, so all the onus of visiting should be on you".

I didn't move away because I wanted to, I moved because it was the only way to get a job in the field I studied in. Should I really be punished for the rest of my life because I didn't just sack off my education and totally change my career direction in order to live near home? I would have loved to get a job near home, I looked extensively, they didn't exist. Yes, i could possibly move now i have more work experience/chance to work remotely, but at this point I've been here almost 20years and it's my home now. Why should I leave my home?

I think it's fine for the "mover" to maybe take slightly more of the travelling burden, especially if them travelling back means they can see multiple people (whereas people coming here means just seeing us), but for it to be totally one sided I think is a shitty way to behave. Don't you want to see their house/their local area/that pub they're always saying does the best roast dinner or whatever? I have other friends who are also "movers" and whilst the travel sucks, i like seeing them in their own environment and they can show off their lives if you like.

I didn't move away because I wanted to, I moved because it was the only way to get a job in the field I studied in. Should I really be punished for the rest of my life because I didn't just sack off my education and totally change my career direction in order to live near home?

I think this is what many people who don’t move forget or choose to ignore and then want to you the excuse that someone moved for not choosing to see them ever. If they have to work several jobs just to hope to stay in their hometown or nearby, you definitely won’t be seeing them much anyway.

It is not affordable for many to just stay in their hometown.

Noodles1234 · 25/05/2025 19:10

Generally the people who move away tend to do the bulk of the travelling.

I think an older person may struggle with public transport so they would be someone I would visit or collect them and drive them down for a week or something.

younger relatives may like to visit to maximise on visiting places nearby to you.

Ireallywantadoughnut36 · 26/05/2025 08:22

There's a really interesting book/theory called "anywheres" and "somewheres". You'd be an Anywhere, you live where you want to based on work, life, wanting different things. It means you move away from home and family. Somewheres live where they live and build life around it. It's a very different approach to life, and probably means they don't understand why you moved at all, it'll seem very strange and like you're being "difficult". The theory also says those who move tend to be, on average, in higher paying jobs and with a higher level of education, which can add to the perception that you're "difficult" and potentially living a different life.

Do you invite them too? My family only visit if I set something up - easter, christmas etc. Suggest a big summer bbq at yours this summer and see what happens.

Original poster

burnda · 26/05/2025 11:44

Ireallywantadoughnut36 · 26/05/2025 08:22

There's a really interesting book/theory called "anywheres" and "somewheres". You'd be an Anywhere, you live where you want to based on work, life, wanting different things. It means you move away from home and family. Somewheres live where they live and build life around it. It's a very different approach to life, and probably means they don't understand why you moved at all, it'll seem very strange and like you're being "difficult". The theory also says those who move tend to be, on average, in higher paying jobs and with a higher level of education, which can add to the perception that you're "difficult" and potentially living a different life.

Do you invite them too? My family only visit if I set something up - easter, christmas etc. Suggest a big summer bbq at yours this summer and see what happens.

ooh interesting. I haven’t heard that. It does resonate.

OP posts:

Original poster

burnda · 26/05/2025 11:45

and I’d love a link if there is a book!

OP posts:

Cuppapup · 26/05/2025 11:47

burnda · 24/05/2025 10:42

they’re often making passive aggressive digs about us not visiting enough, but don’t seem bothered about ever coming to see us. I sometimes think it’s a punishment for the fact we moved away.

Be direct and say to them you would like to see them more but you can’t do the journey more frequently. so it would be great if they could come and visit you.

GetOffTheCounter · 26/05/2025 12:10

burnda · 26/05/2025 11:44

ooh interesting. I haven’t heard that. It does resonate.

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See that theory is a slightly nicer version of what i was going to say which is that the ones who say 'you moved, so you come to us' is another version of turning you into a social pariah for 'getting above your station' or 'you think you are too good for us' which is what i have experienced in my extended family. My home town is in very rural Australia and although it has it's charms, and i would love to live closer to my parents, it is quite limited in terms of jobs, careers, activities etc. My best friend and my sister both live in the same street they grew up in and that is fine for them and is what they both want. They relish the sense of community and long held ties.My sister is a teacher in the school we went to for example and loves it. I do envy that as well many a time as I am so separated from my origins. So we have different paths. My best friend has never visited me (she does not even have a passport) and my sister has visted me a single time in the 26 years I have lived abroad. I get that being abroad is a far more complicated endeavour than driving 4 hours, but the attitude is very much 'You moved, so you can suck it up'.

Original poster

burnda · 26/05/2025 12:51

GetOffTheCounter · 26/05/2025 12:10

See that theory is a slightly nicer version of what i was going to say which is that the ones who say 'you moved, so you come to us' is another version of turning you into a social pariah for 'getting above your station' or 'you think you are too good for us' which is what i have experienced in my extended family. My home town is in very rural Australia and although it has it's charms, and i would love to live closer to my parents, it is quite limited in terms of jobs, careers, activities etc. My best friend and my sister both live in the same street they grew up in and that is fine for them and is what they both want. They relish the sense of community and long held ties.My sister is a teacher in the school we went to for example and loves it. I do envy that as well many a time as I am so separated from my origins. So we have different paths. My best friend has never visited me (she does not even have a passport) and my sister has visted me a single time in the 26 years I have lived abroad. I get that being abroad is a far more complicated endeavour than driving 4 hours, but the attitude is very much 'You moved, so you can suck it up'.

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I hear what you’re saying. It’s like our choice to move away is a criticism of their decision to stay put.

OP posts:

annonymous98 · 26/05/2025 12:57

It’s always a struggle seeing family when you have moved away. I guess in this scenario you’ll have to look at who is less able to get down. You have children and she is elderly. So it can be tricky on both sides. You’ve been making regular efforts to go see her which I’m sure she loves very much. Financially it could be difficult for her to get the funds. Maybe she could come down and you pick her up from the train station once a year and you could go once a year or whatever works for you. It would be best if you say get down to discuss options. Maybe tell her that funds and having children etc are making it quite hard for you to make regular visits, and then ask if there’s anything you could do to help her visit you. Then she will reveal why she hasn’t come down and you can take it from there.

Sparkies2012 · 27/05/2025 08:11

I can relate to this. Moved about 250 miles from where I grew up around a year after my son was born. One relative kept banging on about how she would miss seeing him grow up but has only made the effort to visit a couple of times in the 10 years we have been here. We always had to make the trip back to see people but have scaled this back in recent years as we are fed up with the one-sided effort.

ChillWith · 31/05/2025 16:37

@Sparkies2012 same here

nomas · 31/05/2025 17:05

burnda · 24/05/2025 10:42

they’re often making passive aggressive digs about us not visiting enough, but don’t seem bothered about ever coming to see us. I sometimes think it’s a punishment for the fact we moved away.

Visit them only when you want to or for your mum, don’t let the others guilt trip you.

PassingStranger · 31/05/2025 20:49

Toiletbrushanswer · 24/05/2025 10:44

I do actually think it's on the movers to do most of the travelling. You chose that afterall. (I am a mover in the same position)

Loads of families live in different parts of the country, some even abroad
Life's moved on since everyone was living in the same town.

You should be prepared to.take it in turns to travel. One travels, one does the hosting, you both have roles to do.
How would you like it if you had to.move away and nobody wanted to come and see you weird.

Hillarious · 31/05/2025 21:33

I think it’s par for the course when you’ve moved away. I don’t resent visiting “home” though. Tomorrow I’m off with DH to visit my cousin who lives two hours away and is the only other relative to have left our home town. Great to keep in touch with her and we’re closer having moved away.