Do today's teenagers/20-somethings lack resilience?

[ToutesetBonne]

Prompted by another thread, I'm reminded of the number of times, at work, when I shake my head in disbelief about the dramas some of the younger staff create out of nothing!

I work for a lovely organisation in beautiful surroundings, with some of the best 'perks' I've ever encountered. Our salaries are well above average and we have free lunches, parking, and private health care.

Despite this, so many of our younger staff throw complete wobblies if asked to do anything that they perceive to be outside their role description, and have close to a breakdown if a manager (I am not one - no-one reports to me) queries any aspect of their work or asks them to change something in a written paper, or suggests that they might need some help with a task.

Where is the resilience? I am a labour voter who cringes at the expression 'snowflake' but, gosh, I'm beginning to see where it comes from!

I work with the unemployed youth (18-24) and think it is complex and there is a myriad of reasons. These are the Covid babies and they missed out on some key socialisation. We have an ever expanding mental health/psychology industry that shoves this down their throat. Disadvantage and poverty erodes resilience. Parenting style has changed - my nearly 35 year old visited uni’s by himself and chose his own uni - even drove himself there on day one - that is almost unheard of now. Jobs before the age of 18 are very thin on the ground - so they are not getting that experience (of being in a shitty job and building resilience). Most employers want 18+ employees. I also remember being a flaky tearful young person though and it taking quite a few years to become a bit more resilient and mature.

I have a lot of sympathy for our younger generations, due the state of the country. Many of them will never be able to afford to own their own home, forever stuck in the rental market, those who can will probably only leave home in their 30's. If they went to uni they will be riddled with debt. They can't see a doctor or a dentist. Having children might be something they know they can never afford. The jobs market suck.

Tell us how 'snowflakey' you would be without your previous historical priviledge.

That’s so so sad about the dinner. Well done for reporting.

I’m with @Hatetherainand @Illyna. I hate these posts with a passion. Imagine saying everyone over the age of 60 is x y or z.

I think this is a very interesting thread.

I have three 20 something DC with varying degrees of resilience.

My most resilient DC competed in a sport at GB level at school and I think that is a fantastic example of working hard and seeing that sometimes you win and sometimes you don't but you dust yourself off and go again.
It can be tough but sport can help build a mental toughness and a great work ethic.

I completely agree with the "lawnmower" parent problem.
I saw on another site a post about parents wanting to be involved with solving problems regarding Uni coursework and how do they get in touch with the professor. Or squabbles over the temp of the Uni house.

Parents need to step back and let their DC have a go-that's the only way they learn-by making mistakes.

I remember hearing something years ago along the lines of "we need to let children make mistakes before they are too old to be making those mistakes"
In other words don't hold them back and solve everything for them!!!

Yeah my DS was atmazed at all the parents on uni open days lol

His told me his 2 uni choices, has attended the open days without me, sorted out his accomodation by himself ( apart from telling me there would be an email for guarantor)

I did help him move in as his car wasn't big enough for all the stuff.

He is 21 so bang in the middle of those who " missed out" on socialization you said. He's always been in a single parent family and never been " rich". Household income low enough to get full grant so probably counts as grown up in poverty.

He also has a job ,( that he's now doing full time while hunting for a better one, has a flat he shares with girlfriend , trains a kids sports team.

So theoretically have e should be one of these with lack of social skills and resilience.

Wonder why some people are more affected that others

How are 18 - 24 year olds covid babies?

The younger ones would have been Year 8 - 9 students, one to two years in secondary school so would have had secondary school friends (socialisation) at that stage. They would have had on line work for four months (lockdown started in March and the school year ended in July 2020). Then 'bubbles' in schools. Our school had Year bubbles so all of Year 9 for example, had lunch together, then Year 10 and so on. My DS is 18 years old. I work in his school and used to supervise the Year 9 bubble at lunch time.

The older ones would have been 19 years old at the start of covid. Possibly at University which, I think, was very hard as many were away from home for the first time. Some, though, were working by that time.

But 18 -24 year olds weren't covid babies by any stretch of the imagination.

For me it really came out during divided just how un resilient youngsters are, but imo it’s parents who have told their darlings they can have very thing they want whenever they want. Kids don’t use imagination to play any more, parents give kids screens as it’s easier to manage them than actually talk and play with them. No child is told of in school, you can’t tell them they have done something wrong, and during covid it was all my child isn’t coping, my child is xxxxx. Parents should have been explaining things change all the time, that you won’t get things right all the time, that things like pandemics can happen and giving them tools to cope

There in lies the problem, the assumption that something NEEDS to be ‘wrong’.

As I say, there are circumstances where I can understand school refusal but she doesn’t tick any boxes for any of those reasons. She simply thinks she doesn’t have to go because she doesn’t like it and no one will make her so win win for her. She told her mam she wants to be a beautician when she’s older so she doesn’t need to do exams etc..

She’s happy to go out socialising with friends on an evening and weekends….

My son is 21 and in his 3rd year of Uni - he was year 11 when Covid happened - 15. So yes, it is possible. The impact even on an 18 year old who went Uni and ended up in their room for the year is not to be underestimated. Many dropped out.

I’m old but didn’t job descriptions use to have a line saying ‘and any other duties commensurate with the job/grade’
So if for example you were a typist you could be asked to do the photocopying/filing, but not clean the loos or chair a meeting.
Has that all disappeared now?

I think many parents have tried to make kids lives easier than the ones they had (I have done it myself) but yes it has lead to a lack of resilience.

I think in each generation there is a bit of a backlash to the previous way of doing things!

Spot on!! Absolutely agree.

Absolutely plus the fact that if a parent doesn’t like the very smallest thing at a school they fly in raise a complaint, demand to see the head etc. They don’t teach their kids to deal they teach them if they don’t like something it’s someone else’s fault and not only that that person has to pay for this incorrect issue.

I work in the recruitment department for a large employer, and what has definitely increased over the many years I’ve been doing it is the number of parents emailing in on behalf of their kids (“My DD is currently studying xx at university, and would be very interested in a placement at xx” etc) which I never used to see. Makes a terrible first impression! No wonder some kids have no grit when their parents are doing the most basic tasks for them.

Are you referring to the kid who got hit by a highlighter and it has caused emotional upheaval?

yes - I managed a member staff who told me it was affecting their mental health to have to get in by 9 (they had a half hour commute). I agreed a 930 start and 6 finish and that too was affecting their mental health because it was too late. I refused wfh as their productivity suffered by about 50% when working from home…. Also working from home affected their mental health. But coming to the office affected their mental health. Getting negative feedback affected their mental health. Not getting their bonus affected their mental health.

Yes, yes and yes!

My brothers got that at minute - he superviors and they have a new manager who wants to change things - and the older staff are throwing fits at brother - not manager who's rarely round. It's often minor tweaks - but there all digging their feet in and being dramatic - it's affecting his well being in his 50s dealing with it all.

The Uni open day odd one for me - in mid 90s my parents and later just my Dad came with me to them - DH went by himslef though IL say they offered to go - and it was about 50/50 though some it was more unusal. It was often case of getting there - I wasn't used to train travel accross country by myself as parents drove - and sometimes given times it was best to drive. I grew up pefectly functioning independent adult.

DH gone with our kids to open days -but we tried to let them go to offer days by themsleves -via public transport. Not always been possible for DS as so far need over night stop and under 18 can't stay in hotels by themsleves. DH had to go though then goes round city and leaves DS to go to meetings by himself.

I’m in my 50s and in my first managerial role after uni (I was about 24) I used to drive to work everyday crying. It’s now, donkey’s years later, that I’ve finally realised it was anxiety caused by a failed audit that went against my name despite me only picking up the department a week earlier and the errors all being with the previous manager.
Anyway, I cried everyday on my long journey to work. However, once there, eyes were dried and I did my work. I did that everyday for almost a year until I left. I never told anyone how I felt or that I was crying.

This wouldn’t happen today. I would have gone to the doctors and been signed of sick with stress and anxiety. As it was, I took stock, figured I needed to do something different and retrained and changed careers. That period taught me to just get on and deal with things even when they are/appear unfair.

Was it tough? Yes. Did I hate it? Yes. I never complained, took a sick day or showed how I truly felt.

The Resilience I had when I felt so awful impresses me now because I don’t think a young person in a similar position would just get on and cope these days.

Sometimes, life isn’t great and we have to simply power through.

I am so sad about the lady in the care home. I had this with my mil - in the end I couldn’t go because I just couldn’t see it all - giving people with no use of their hands a dinner and just leaving it in front of them

although not related to age, just the sad state of a “care” system

Oh I'm not arguing about the impact. I'm saying they are not covid babies. Covid babies, born in 2018 - 2020 certainly didn't get the normal socialisation. They didn't go to parent/baby groups, didn't have play dates etc.

And, as I said, those who ended up isolated in university had a very tough time.

But they're not 'babies'.

They are children who, in some circumstances depending on how their schools were set up, had a tough time. In my DS's circumstances he did OK. The school were very technological anyway, so homework was always on line. Teachers set up zoom calls or sent messages to their students and DS had a daily play on his x-box/play station with a group of mates. Not everyone had that, absolutely. And it was a worrying time, not knowing what would happen or how it would end.

However, when you go back to the childhood of some of our elderly people...my mum was 10 years old when the war broke out. She had three months of schooling then the school was taken as a medical centre. Her teacher set up a small group in her own house and my mum was taught there. Other teachers did the same.

Mum spent the following year sleeping in the tube stations as London (and others) suffered the Blitz. She watched four brothers enlist in the army (all safely home thank goodness at the end), her sister end up in hospital after a direct hit on their house which killed her husband and his brother and sister.

She got evacuated to a terrible family and was 'rescued' by her sisters when she managed to smuggle a letter home. Putting it in perspective, if covid had lasted as long as what these children had to endure, we would still have months to go. Some people after that time needed help (and didn't always get it). But you don't seem to hear this 'I can't do' attitude from older people. Maybe we need to find out why?

Maybe it's time to start helping those who need the help and stop making excuses for people to hang their hats on.

When I was at school in the 90s ears 00s on sports day and things like that you only got a medal, trophy or certificate, reward if you were the winner or excelled at something and was outstanding.
My nephews, and niece's, and Dds get rewards, medals etc even if they don't win, just for taking part.
No wonder they have no resilience. I agree.

I don’t understand why this type of behaviour is allowed. People seem to go out of their way to coddle and comfort these 20-30yrs who are always upset or in drama.

Meanwhile, the workers that get on with work and deal with problems are given more work and responsibility because they can handle it. I really don’t understand this way of working - it completely demoralises the good workers.

Part of me wonders if the people enabling and coddling do this because it makes them feel needed or reminds me them of their own children? I’ve noticed it’s mostly woman that go out of their way to cater to the younger ones. Or a certain breed of man that thinks any female crying is in dire distress and needs to be rescued.

This happened with my grandma when she was in hospital. None of the staff were Young, it was a student nurse who picked up on it and made sure she was fed.

Yes! Too many of them just need to be told to get a fucking grip! And that includes a good many wet-lettuce parents.