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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Do today's teenagers/20-somethings lack resilience?

451 replies

ToutesetBonne · 24/05/2025 08:57

Prompted by another thread, I'm reminded of the number of times, at work, when I shake my head in disbelief about the dramas some of the younger staff create out of nothing!

I work for a lovely organisation in beautiful surroundings, with some of the best 'perks' I've ever encountered. Our salaries are well above average and we have free lunches, parking, and private health care.

Despite this, so many of our younger staff throw complete wobblies if asked to do anything that they perceive to be outside their role description, and have close to a breakdown if a manager (I am not one - no-one reports to me) queries any aspect of their work or asks them to change something in a written paper, or suggests that they might need some help with a task.

Where is the resilience? I am a labour voter who cringes at the expression 'snowflake' but, gosh, I'm beginning to see where it comes from!

OP posts:
taxguru · 24/05/2025 11:47

@Thepeopleversuswork

Meh, I think this is a fashionable trope at the moment and its true in some cases but honestly I don't think its much worse now than it was when I was coming of age (late 80s/early 90s).

I fully agree. "Fashionable trope" is nail on the head.

soundsys · 24/05/2025 11:49

GreenLeavesEveryday · 24/05/2025 09:35

I have become aware recently just how much stuff there is all over social media about mental health. My adult, diagnosed autistic, dd has started sending me videos, and she's believing every word and looking for more.
She used to be capable of doing all sorts of things, but now she says it was because she was masking.
She won't mask now, wanting to be authentic, but what it actually does is throw a lot of responsibility onto other people. There is little recognition that the rest of us also had to learn how to handle situations which we find difficult or overwhelming.
I'm just looking at all these videos from all these young people, telling us ignorant oldies how life is just impossible, and I think, if I'd watched all that when I was in my 20s, I'd feel like that too.
It's all gone a bit mad!

Just wanted to say this resonates with me so much! I am a bit like your daughter - autistic but mask and generally come across as quite ‘capable’ - and there is actually a lot of peer pressure now to be ‘authentic’. I grew up in a working-class, single-parent family in a place where - without being overly dramatic - people had real problems. And there’s a lot of stuff I just had to get on with /push through, because “that’s life”. And - while my mental health has not always been brilliant - it’s made me pretty resilient and able to cope with a lot.
And I’m a reasonably well adjusted adult with a career/home/family/social life…

I’m really conscious of this as I now have two autistic children of my own (plus one NT one) and I work with young people with SEN/who are ND and it’s a hard balance. With my own children, I’m supportive and neuro-affirming but I also am bringing them up to be able to exist (and hopefully thrive!) in the world as it is, rather than the world as I’d like it to be. I find I can’t always do that at work and it really impacts some young people as they feel like they just can’t cope with the world as they’re so used to being told they’ll struggle.

its a toughie for sure!

Theroadt · 24/05/2025 11:49

Yes I agree. And it’s a “first world” indulgence, frankly, and disrespecful of people who have genuine trauma/MH/depression ti deal with.

vintageskills · 24/05/2025 11:50

gannett · 24/05/2025 10:33

Also interesting that every time there's a thread about resilience it's centred around workplace behaviour.

That's exactly the point. Younger generations feel under no obligation to mould themselves into the perfect workers for a system that doesn't care about them and won't reward them.

I'm only learning now to advocate for doing my job primarily on my terms. Good on them for learning to do that earlier.

”doesn't care about them and won't reward them”?

I work for a lovely organisation in beautiful surroundings, with some of the best 'perks' I've ever encountered. Our salaries are well above average and we have free lunches, parking, and private health care.

Ilitetallycantrememberanythinganymore · 24/05/2025 11:54

I think there is an element of truth. Young people are not allowed by parents to struggle or deal with consequences of bad behaviour, being late, not handing work in etc. There is always a reason. Life is hard and we are doing our young people no favours by mollycoddling them. However I know plenty of amazing young people so it's by no means all.

Soddingcat · 24/05/2025 11:57

I had an apprentice arrive at work in hysterics , proper snot sobbing / crying, I actually thought someone had died !
she couldn’t answer me as she was hyperventilating,

guess what had happened ?
she’s dropped her phone and cracked the screen
🤣🤣

CatHairEveryWhereNow · 24/05/2025 11:57

Runnersandtoms · 24/05/2025 09:54

I'd agree with this. The Tourettes community is similar in encouraging people with tics to stop trying to suppress their tics and that the wider community should just be educated on why they shouldn't discriminate against people with tics. All very noble but realistically there are situations and jobs where some tics (not all) will be unacceptable and people who suffer with tics are going to limit their own possibilities in life if they refuse to ever suppress them.

Similarly with autism and ADHD, I'm all for awareness and making allowances where possible but at the end of the day you have to try and find a way to function in life. If you are always late/miss deadlines, even if it's due to ADHD, nobody will want to work with you. So if you know these things are hard for you, you need to find systems to help yourself function effectively (additional reminders, tick lists, alarms etc). I say this the parent of someone with tourettes and as yet undiagnosed but probable ADHD/autism.

We've had this with DD1 - TBH she now miss organised at Uni so conversations went in.

DH has it with his students in HE - he points out f they were as bad as they claimed no way would they have got though A-Levels.

Still I don't think it's the bulk of young people just a vocal subset.

Also saw similar behavior in my 20s from some peers - just seems more visible these days.

Though also in my 20s I was doing a lot of unpaid overtime and found come review time it was never remembered so pushing back at some things in work place actually doesn't sound entirely bad - it's very context dependent.

BoredZelda · 24/05/2025 11:57

TheBlueUniform · 24/05/2025 11:04

Yes it’s is gentle parenting. You’re basically letting them choose something that isn’t actually a choice for fear of upsetting them.

You say there is a reason if they are refusing to go and I agree, but I’m my friends situation the reason is her DC simply doesn’t want to go. Nothing more nothing less. Let’s not over complicate it.

Edited

No, that isn’t what gentle parenting is. To suggest it involves no consequences and is for fear of upsetting them is a deep misunderstanding of it.

You have no idea why she doesn’t want to go to school.

PhilippaGeorgiou · 24/05/2025 12:00

Littletreefrog · 24/05/2025 11:36

Maybe as an overall generalisation but there are still some amazing young people around and I think we need to be careful not to write off an entire generation.

I have a young person working in my department they are 18 live alone as Mum died and they needed to leave Dad's house for several reasons I won't go in to. They are hard working, kind, insightful, helpful and dedicated. Every so often they say something that reminds me how young they are but honestly I couldn't be prouder of them and I do try to let them know this without coming across creepy or embarrassing them.

I agree - I have employed some amazing young people. But I do think that the lack of any resilience is increasing noticeably. I have had to teach a young person how to use the phone - ok, I get most of them have never used anything other than smart phones and maybe don't "get" office systems. But I literally ended up writing him a script for how to answer the phone, that included complex gems like "Good morning (if it is morning, otherwise it would be good afternoon). This is the XXX department and my name is YYY. How can I help you?" This was a 19 year old college graduate with A levels who had already worked for 6 months in an apprenticeship.

And actually the worst I came across were graduates, whoi found it hard to appreciate that despite having just obtained a degree in "fine art with politics" and without any work experience, they were expected to start at the bottom, were not likely to be promoted to CEO within the next several weeks, and they wouldn not be invited to attend management meetings on the basis they were not, in fact, managers.

One day I had to deal with an irate councillor who had not been invited to a critical meeting because the graduate intern had forgotten them (despite having an actual list of members) and the councillor wanted to bollock them. I calmed the councillor down, spoke to the member of staff and pointed out their error, got them to fix it, and said don't do it again - these people are your employers, don't forget it. Next meeting, guess what.... irate councillor on the phone again having not been invited. Calmed them down again, went to member of staff and got it sorted, but said "XXX I am very disappointed in you. This is the second time you have done this and I have explained how very important it is to get it right. Please make sure that I do not have to have this conversation with you again". Said calmly and clearly.

Ten minutes later whilst in a meeting with other staff, this person burst into the room and screamed at me "How dare you say you are disappointed in me. That is bullying and I won't be spoken to like that". I actually heard the collective intake of breath!!! Then very calmly said "If you ever, ever speak to me or anyone else like that in the future, the least of your worries will be my disappointment. Now get out of this room and fix your attitude, or you will be looking at a disciplinary".

To be fair, that seemed to be what they needed - a shot of reality. After that they buckled down, worked hard and I promoted them twice before I retired.

Nextdoormat · 24/05/2025 12:00

I think it is linked to upbringing, IMO it is more important to be a parent with boundaries and consequences put in place rather than being friends.
My kids had gifts at Xmas and birthdays. Lots of outdoors, no latest phone, or whatever the trend was at the time. Go to school, listen,try your best, be respectful to teachers and others. Walk away from drama, be kind or don't speak, don't be flakes if you say you're going to do something do it.
They have all had adversities and have coped some very, very serious, they know I am 110% always there for them we can discuss anything and we all support each other.
The alternative never hearing the word no, always getting gifts, being entitled is perhaps easier to do but you then suffer the consequences.

Redamyryllis · 24/05/2025 12:02

@PhilippaGeorgiou

despite having just obtained a degree in "fine art with politics"

That says it all.😆

bombastix · 24/05/2025 12:04

I agree. Our younger team members are very sensitive, and perhaps what is pretty concerning to me is how self critical they are about themselves. I think it’s awful. Youth is usually about A indestructible courage borne out of ignorance.

I had one of my colleagues describe his privileges to me in great detail the other week. He knew all of his flaws, unconscious bias, and total awareness of micro aggressions. This guy is very talented, but this stuff was front and centre. Same for another young woman in my office. So frustrating to see.

PhilippaGeorgiou · 24/05/2025 12:04

Redamyryllis · 24/05/2025 12:02

@PhilippaGeorgiou

despite having just obtained a degree in "fine art with politics"

That says it all.😆

Edited

To be fair, I just plucked some subjects out of the air - nothing wrong with either subject, but it does not make you an instant expert in managing complex £multi-million schemes (which is what I did).

latetothefisting · 24/05/2025 12:07

Maddy70 · 24/05/2025 09:52

I dint think they are less resilient at all but they are less prepared to put up with bullshit and call it out. Why should someone be asked to do a job they aren't paid to do?

because if every job description had to include every single thing that the person could possible be asked to do in any circumstance they'd be longer than war and peace!

Obviously I don't know OP's specific example but from my own experience of being both the junior staff and the taskee it could be things like setting up/cleaning up a room before/after a meeting with external visitors, i.e. washing up their mugs or setting some chairs out, etc. Maybe answering the phone if the person who usually does it is off sick, or running to the shop to get some milk if the office ran out.

Sometimes in smaller orgs there isn't a designated facilities person who does all that sort of thing, or even if there is and they are off, everyone is expected to help out.

Yes, of course, sometimes it's good for the management to do those sort of minor things instead to show good leadership, but if they are the ones actually speaking to the visitors it makes sense for a junior person to go and get the milk. Plus usually (not always) the person on £100k has more time-critical things to be getting on with that the person on £25k, and there are usually multiple staff who can cover for each other if one is diverted to do something else for ten minutes, and not anyone who can cover for the boss (or if there it is usually someone nearly as senior who again has their own jobs).

Apart from anything else I used to love the opportunity to get out and do something different for a bit of a break when I was the junior staff member in an admin type role. Much preferred a quick trip down the shops or breaking down boxes to go in the recycling than staring at a screen for 8hrs.

jacks11 · 24/05/2025 12:07

Yes, I think there is some truth in this observation. It is very obviously not true of all, or even the majority, of young people but I think it is becoming more prevalent. Though, my observation would be that whilst it is increasingly common in the under 30’s, I see it creeping into all generations.

I think a large part of it stems from over praise, even for just doing what is standard/what is expected. There is so much hyperbole- I am all for praise where praise is due, but really we need to help our children be realistic. Alongside a perception that children cannot be allowed to fail (and if they do, it is almost always someone else to blame), must be sheltered from uncomfortable feelings/that those feelings are always harmful- by way of example, see the surge in parents seek anxiety diagnosis/ allowances made for their children having anxiety around exam time. This simply pathologises what is a normal (though not always pleasant) emotion. It is ok to feel sad, angry, worried, anxious, feeling under pressure etc sometimes- it is how you learn to manage those emotions (Obviously, I am not suggesting ignoring anxiety disorders, depression, extreme stress responses, OCD, eating disorders etc). Then, when confronted with these feelings at a time when the matter at hand cannot be avoided, what happens? The individual does not know how to cope and life is even harder. Same with not being able to cope with criticism- if you are told you are great/doing well all the time, it is then hard to understand why someone is criticising you/letting you know what you have done does not meet the standard required when you are simply working at the level/behaving in the way you always have.

I think there is also this need to dramatise/over-react when things go wrong or someone does do something they should not (I am guessing this may be in response to the thread where a child was hit by a pen the teacher threw- and is now to traumatised to go to school on the days she has this class). I think there is a tendency to make a huge deal out of something that is, in the grand scheme of things, not a massive or insurmountable problem. I am not saying ignore the issue, they often do need addressed, but sometimes you do just have to accept things and shrug it off. People are too often “devastated” or “traumatised”, when actually they are mildly distressed, a bit upset or annoyed. These situations can often be adequately dealt with via way of an apology being given, reassurance it won’t happen again and then everyone moving on.

We tell children they are all absolutely equal at everything- we aren’t. We are all of equal value as human beings, but our abilities are not all equal. When we overpraise children and young people, it is not helpful. They either get an inflated sense of self- and then it comes crashing down when their expectations are not met/they do not achieve what they were led to believe/receive critcism- or are fully aware that the “award” or praise they are getting is not warranted, which damages their self-esteem. Both are recognised phenomenon by developmental psychologists.

Add in being allowed to avoid things which they find difficult- e.g. public speaking- on ground of protecting mental health, rather than being helped to overcome the issue and this is what we get.

I think there are many, many fantastic, hard working and resilient young people though. But I do think we there is a creeping issue and we do need to look at how best to address it.

Redamyryllis · 24/05/2025 12:07

PhilippaGeorgiou · 24/05/2025 12:04

To be fair, I just plucked some subjects out of the air - nothing wrong with either subject, but it does not make you an instant expert in managing complex £multi-million schemes (which is what I did).

I knew you were being humorous. 🙂

You could have said "underwater basket weaving", because that would be as much use in the commercial arena....

werewolftherewolf · 24/05/2025 12:10

daffodilandtulip · 24/05/2025 10:52

Wait til you see what's coming through primary schools as a result of covid babies...

I am really interested in this. So Covid babies would be in reception now? What are their behaviours like?

FedupofArsenalgame · 24/05/2025 12:10

Thepeopleversuswork · 24/05/2025 11:43

Meh, I think this is a fashionable trope at the moment and its true in some cases but honestly I don't think its much worse now than it was when I was coming of age (late 80s/early 90s).

The reality is that people in their late teens and early 20s don't yet have fully formed brains, are still learning how to socialise and are learning the realities of work. It's a shock to the system, particularly to those of them who have extended time away from the "real world" by going to university and beyond. It took me a very long time to make peace with the idea that if someone was paying me I had to do what they told me and there was no benefit in railing and moaning. Spoiled? Maybe, but its a fairly common phenomenon for people to take some time to adjust to the realities of work.

Meanwhile the economic environment is far less supportive to these people than it was to people of my generation. It's hard to find good graduate jobs without nepotism, they work incredibly long hours and its impossible for them to imagine being able to save for anything tangible such as a house at the end of it.

I do think there are some kids who struggle with the reality of having to do as you're told, particularly after the discursive environment of university where you are led to believe you'll have a degree of autonomy in the workplace.

But for generations middle aged and older people have railed at what they perceive as "snowflakery", just using different words.

But sure these university students do have part time jobs as well? I know my DS and his friends have all had jobs since 16)7 as well as studying.
This is the cohort who missed taking GCSEs in 2020 and just finished dissertations now

After they've worked in McDonald's, pubs, supermarkets etc they have at least 4 years experience of being told what to do at work

chipsnmayo · 24/05/2025 12:11

I am in my mid 20s, and I have seen this behavior too but I am not surprised. Some of the kids I went to early secondary with couldnt tie their own shoe laces or use a knife and fork, their parents collected them from school when it rained and chose their subjects.

I grew up with a FT working single parent so was fairly self sufficient from a young age. My mother also let me make my own choices, and some were poor choices in hindsight but I suffered the consequences. I had to grow up fast as I had my dcs young.

Happyhandbag56 · 24/05/2025 12:11

my experience is the polar opposite. Lots of people in their 40/50/60s that I interact with throwing tantrums or making very simple tasks into a huge drama or issue. Lots of us the younger ones trying to problem solve and calm down much older colleagues or clients etc.

jacks11 · 24/05/2025 12:11

bombastix · 24/05/2025 12:04

I agree. Our younger team members are very sensitive, and perhaps what is pretty concerning to me is how self critical they are about themselves. I think it’s awful. Youth is usually about A indestructible courage borne out of ignorance.

I had one of my colleagues describe his privileges to me in great detail the other week. He knew all of his flaws, unconscious bias, and total awareness of micro aggressions. This guy is very talented, but this stuff was front and centre. Same for another young woman in my office. So frustrating to see.

Yes, I agree with this too. There is a problem with all confidence being stripped/made to be hyper aware of any possible transgressions/flaws that they must address and those who are totally unable to take any criticism at all/convinced of they are always correct and prefer to stay in the echo chamber of those who agree with them.

Calliopespa · 24/05/2025 12:11

Ilikewinter · 24/05/2025 11:30

Yep, I was running an induction course at work and asked this particular person ( I would say early 20's) twice to put her phone away. She's now off sick citing mental health - apparently I humiliated her in front of her new colleagues and she can't face come into work..... and that's just one example.

Honestly it's insane, something somewhere has gone horribly wrong!

Again, though, do you think she is really suffering or simply thinks MH is a nice big stick to beat you with?

Please don’t misunderstand that I do think recognition of MH is important and valid: some are genuinely suffering. But I think an admirable development in understanding has brought with it the problems of people jumping on the bandwagon with claims they think are unassailable. Add to that the glorification of “boundary setting” even where it’s entirely unnecessary and you have a recipe for manipulation of many environments.

Onelifeonly · 24/05/2025 12:12

I dont think it's necessarily true at all. I've been working for 40 years and used to sometimes think people 10 to 15 years younger seemed less dedicated and more entitled than my generation. So they will be in their 40s / early 50s now.

Of course each generation grows up with different influences, but young people are not a homogeneous group. There have always been resilient, effective, hardworking 20 somethings and those that are more sensitive and flaky. But they all do have less life experience and people do mature and learn from that experience as they go through life.

Also young people today / society as a whole is far more aware of mental health and the need to be empathetic and tolerant. In the past, a lot of things could have been ignored or swept under the carpet - surely it's a good thing that we are more aware of indiviual needs.

Reonie · 24/05/2025 12:14

We are watching a generation of young adults navigate the complex world, but we have no understanding of how they've grown up. We were not online, devices in our hands feeding us all sorts of images and emotionally manipulative 'content' that's created for clicks.

We basically don't have an insight into their brains, in the way that our parents could with us. So whatever our theories are about how they're underdeveloped compared to ourselves at that age, they don't really hold much water.

Totally agree that talking and explaining about what's ok and what isn't is the way to go. Have had chats with my dc about the behaviour of some of their friends, what to put up with and what to forgive. They have not got a lot of guidance online for this sort of stuff, people would have them believe that every little thing is down to neurodiversity or hormones, so they do need to know that actually sometimes people are crap and they don't need to be involved with that.

godmum56 · 24/05/2025 12:15

Catsonskis · 24/05/2025 09:19

Omg OP I agree. I’m mid thirties and worked in admin and clerical in the nhs since I was 21. I’m a manager. Recently made the decision to swap 2 rooms around, literally room a with staff that perform function x to swap with room b but still perform function x. No change in job whatsoever, just move one room down as the team has expanded.
2 have gone off sick with stress, several have been seen crying about it, one has escalated to HR (HR politely told them to do one) and one has gone to the union who are being ridiculous. The rooms are identical bar one is larger, both have the same light coming from same windows, same desk layout, there’s no reasonable adjustments that can’t be facilitated in the new room. The team are “protesting” and as such have slowed down their pace of work and moaning wanting formal meetings etc. I walked passed a few in the canteen and did a cheery hello and they literally looked away and scoffed, like high schoolers.

now instead of getting in with work I need to do that’s vital to patient experience, I’ve got meetings with the union, got to manage sickness and come up with a mitigation plan to improve the performance and morale.
THEYRE MOVING NEXT DOOR

I experienced exactly the same thing around 15 years ago, before I retired. I was the manager. The people who had the breakdowns were in their 40's and 50's!