Needed the toilet while shopping with pram… was I unreasonable?

[feelingbaddd]

I was out shopping with my baby earlier today and I feel really bad about a split second decision that I made. I needed the toilet and it was one in a coffee shop where 3 individual toilet cubicles were behind a door with a keypad, so toilet use was customer only. I have been using this coffee shop for 2 years. I am a regular customer and used to get a coffee most days on my commute to work pre mat leave and would chat to the manager every day.

She followed me to the toilet today to unlock the door with the code, and then told me apologetically that the disabled toilet was out of order. I wouldn’t have been able to fit the buggy in the normal cubicle that was available. She offered to wait right outside the toilet with the pram (ie behind the main door, but outside the cubicle). I immediately said yes and thanked her and went to the toilet. At the time I thought nothing of it. I know she has a son of her own and always seems friendly. I could hear her chatting away to my baby the whole time but I have reflected on this since and feel like it was such a poor judgement call. Sure I talk to the woman but I don’t KNOW her personally.

I don’t know where my sense of safety was and I feel so terrible about it, I basically left my child with a stranger! Would anyone else have done the same or was it as bad of me as I am thinking it was?

I might be being dramatic, I am really sleep deprived. I can’t help feeling like a bad mum.

YABU - I wouldn’t have done this
YANBU - nothing wrong with this, forget about it!

I wouldn’t worry about it. I was asked once by a stranger whilst sitting in a cafe to look after her baby whilst she went to the library 😂

Done the same thing before a couple of times. We all have. Don’t stress

We're in Europe and there doesn't seem to be this level of fretting about kidnappings. It's highly unlikely anyone would steal my children while I go to the loo. You didn't hand your baby over to a completely random person.
I was in an Indian takeaway the other day (first time, shopping centre in a major city) and the lady behind the counter asked whether she could hold my baby. DD will hold her arms out to be held by anyone and the lady just carried her around the place and showed her to other customers. (She's a cutie.) I could eat a few bites of my food in peace...(I could see her, though.)
DS's old swimming instructor also frequently carries her around the place while I pop to the loo. (DS has a new instructor now because he's moved groups but his old one is still around sometimes and is lovely with little people. He used to do my aquanatal sessions.)

The chances of finding an open bank or police station makes this advice redundant. On the other hand coffee shops are opening at a rate of knots!

Absolutely ok to accept help, just remember and help someone else out too. Everyone is far too scared of strangers nowadays and it damages the whole community. I had to leave my 9 month old with a random (kind, but totally unknown) mum in a soft play once when I suddenly got ill and had to run to be sick. Now I have 2 and sometimes there's no way to all fit in a cubicle (when a toddler needs the loo you have to go) so the baby gets parked outside the cubicle

It was fine and I've done similar.

If it makes you feel any better Op, when I had my eldest I had to have my 6 week check at the hospital I gave birth at. Went along with new baby, midwife took me to see the dr and said “ oh dr so and so would love to see him” and waltzed off with him while I was legs akimbo.

It was ok though as they brought him back. Think I’d be aghast at this happening nowadays !

Unless you had reason to believe that she was an axe murderer pretending to be a member of staff, you are really overthinking this. What harm could a helpful woman possibly be thinking of doing to your baby in a busy coffee shop. You need better sense of perspective.

You didn't hesitate because your instincts were correct. I beat myself up for past decisions, almost trolling myself. It's especially cruel because the decision is done so there's nothing you can do. I've recognised it as an unhealthy learned behaviour which peaks during times of anxiety. Which you may be at the moment?

Aww you're fine OP, but I totally relate to the feeling, motherhood can be a constant guilt trip! You needed a wee and the nice lady watched your baby, no harm done so don't overthink this. We don't stop being human the second we become mums 💐

Saying that I still feel guilty for leaving my baby son on a couch in a beauty salon whilst I got my eyebrows done! What if he'd fallen off?! (He didn't!) This was 20 years ago and I still get upset about it today....arrrrggh 😕

imagine that moment that she runs if with your baby and you run after her knickers round you ankle. Likelihood of it happening

I’d have done the same. It’s tragic that today you can’t trust a stranger to Watch your child for 2 minutes! I don’t mean you personally op i mean society in general!

I have 3 children and wouldn’t have hesitated to do the same.

My Mum used to leave me outside shops in my pram so I think whet you did was fine.

You’re knackered we do mad things when we’re sleep deprived, also it isnt a complete stranger you have been going there for ages and know she works there and stuff, but maybe next time sit baby on your knee while you pee?

I took dd to Leeds on the train when she was 4 months old. All the people in the seats around me did big sighs when they spotted there was a baby. She was obviously so lovely and well behaved that an hour in they were all offering to sneak a cuddle hold her if I needed the loo.

Though I didn't hand her over....I do remember in Italy once, a waitress literally seized her and took her to see the tropical fish/ lobsters and introduced her to all the regulars. I was a bit bemused but not anxious.

You had no reason to hesitate. You were leaving your child with someone you know, and she was within earshot at all times. You did nothing wrong.

I think you just need to focus on the fact that your baby is absolutely fine!

100% fine. We have to take tiny calculated risks with our children sometimes. I have a baby and a two year old - I’ve had to ask strangers and people I barely know to hold my baby when my son has desperately needed the toilet or whatever!

I had to run into a coffee shop with DC1 when he was potty training, didn't have time to find someone to open the barrier to get the buggy through. Saw a table of obviously over retirement age ladies having a morning coffee and asked them to watch DC2 - left with a table of complete strangers 😮still can't quite believe I did that! At least you vaguely knew who you left your baby with!

Absolutely! You didn’t leave your baby with a complete stranger. In effect, after all this time, you knew her. Where do you think she could have gone if she had stolen your baby? She is the manager! If she had taken the baby, the staff would have known her address etc.
I am a great-grandmother and have been very hands-on with all my four grandchildren. My great-grandchild is new born, but I shall be hands-on with him too, as soon as I can be. Your fear is understandable, particularly in this day and age, but you did the right thing, asking someone you are familiar and friendly with to mind the baby. If you had asked a random member of the public to do the same, I might have had a bit of a wobble but you didn’t. If it’s any help, in your position, I would have done exactly the same.
Please don’t give it another thought. You sound like a caring, risk-aware and capable mother. Just relax a little, and carry on using your common sense as you obviously are doing. And most of all, enjoy your baby!

I worked in restaurants through my late teens/early 20s… if one of my regulars came in with their kids, and they needed the toilet i would stay with their kids!. We are not strangers. Sometimes you see staff/regulars more than extended family. When my kids were babies, if I was in a place that i regularly visited and needed the toilet I wouldnt have given it a second thought.

dont let mums guilt eat you up!

Be gentle! We all have a wobble now and again, and don’t need a reprimand from a complete (and rather unsympathetic) stranger!

You exercised good judgement- definitely the right thing to do. She wasn't a stranger.