DH forgetting conversations

[UseTheBigLight]

I know people forget things and this is trivial.
We’ve had the same chat many times for ages. We agreed that TV doesn’t work before school with 2 similar age kids to get out the door (by me). It might for some but not us as we don’t have time. I’m trying to sort food/chivvy them along etc and don’t have time for arguments about who wants to watch what and for how long or them being zombies and not wanting breakfast etc, yet he still puts it on for them most mornings when they ask him to, right over breakfast time.
He keeps saying he forgets ‘my rule'. It's not my 'rule'. We've talked about it and agreed it together.
This morning it’s a film on so I took myself off to the bedroom with a cuppa and left him to it.
He's said sorry but is put out. I mentioned it by text (though at least a text is written down).
He's an intelligent man in a job that requires following strict rules & regs with time-related transactions.
I make sure they don’t have screens as they are getting ready for him to take them to rugby practice. AIBU to bring it up?

He doesn’t forget, he just can’t be arsed parenting his children.

^^ this.

I bet he’s not forgetting things at work.

This has my vote

The previous posters are spot on. Put a post it note on the TV screen before you go to bed as an aid for the feeble brained fuck wit

I agree, it's unlikely he's actually forgetting. If you've already spoken about it, unfortunately you probably need to make it his problem before he'll 'remember'.

If he turns it on, he's taking responsibility for getting them out the door. You might be conveniently unavailable.

Strategic incompetence
Which in my mind isn’t trivial at all

so I took myself off to the bedroom with a cuppa and left him to it.

Which is exactly the right response.
Can you follow through even further? Such as go out for the day and leave him to take them to school, so he can do the explaining to the school if he is late.

I think you’re taking the right approach. He wants to choose to make it harder to get them out the door, you step out. Text him that if he turns the tv on in the morning, you will go for a walk/ back to the bedroom and leave him to it with the kids, you will not continue to parent in spite of him. He can be a team or do it on his own.

Yes. He has not forgotten. He wants the lazy way out and it's you who has to deal with the consequences.
So make him deal with the consequences.

And maybe ask him if he's ok at work. If he's this forgetful they must be very concerned there, because there will be a liability to the employer. Perhaps he should see the gp about his memory in case it's early onset dementia 😆

He said he didn’t realise there was a Strict Rule I had imposed.
I said these aren’t my Rules, these are things we have discussed together and we both agree on.

He’s not forgetting stuff at work.

He does have a lot to think about atm but it’s all this ‘Your Rules’. I am a bit stricter than him and you’re never gonna get a couple who are exactly the same as we both bring different things to the table. We do work well overall.

He just doesn't care.

The annoying thing is it’s not me being strict is it?!
It’s realistic. We just don’t have enough time.

His keenness to rewrite the narrative so that this is 'your rule' is something to talk about, rather than just push back on.
Maybe he didn't really agree when you had the conversation. Maybe it seemed like a utopia when discussed but in reality, he's far too tired to engage with his kids first thing and whacking the telly on is just easier. Obviously it's not easier overall when it causes delays in routine and ultimately getting out the door, so let him continue to deal with it - he puts the telly on, he deals with the fall out.

When you took yourself off with a cuppa this morning and left him to it, was he put out because you'd left him to deal with it solo? What was his reasoning? He's got to manage the kids and get them sorted, not float through the house in a sleepy haze and somehow, miraculously, everything works out.

He wasn’t annoyed that he had to do it solo. He does loads. I said I didn’t feel heard because he keeps forgetting/saying ‘I didn’t realise it was a strict rule’

I’m more realistic. He thinks 7:45am is a good time to enjoy a football match/film with them and I guess I need him to be more realistic!

Honestly I think just agreed at the time for a quite life
he ether didn’t agree with it or had no intention of doing it

Exactly. He put the TV on because he doesn't see the issue or doesn't care.

Did he manage to get the kids sorted and out the door for school or did you come downstairs and take over OP?

Did everything get done on time this morning with him doing it and the TV on? Or were things late/missing/chaotic?

If it didn't go well, does he now see why you don't want the TV on? If things went okay, it might be that it needs to happen a few more times to see whether actually, it works for him (in which case, fine, if he's the one doing the rest of the morning routine) or if it works sometimes, but not others, so you can't take the chance.

My rule for school mornings is no TV until everything is done/sorted. Many mornings this means no TV. Some mornings it means 5 minutes. There is, however, the rare unicorn morning where they somehow have time for 30 minutes of television.

Everything got done by him and I drove them in (he has to start work then) but DS got a cut on his finger just before we left and then we were late so no room for wiggle room.

Why are you letting him get to you this way. He doesn’t think its a “strict rule” ir “your rule” at alk. This os just bullshit. he just said that because he knows you are vulnerable to language like that so will shut up and let him be lazy and still get the kids out on time. Its just a stupid, shitty, debate tactic to wrongfoot you. Its misdirection.

I wouldn’t engage with this st all. Stop doing mornings. Just get up and leave him to it.

Tell him “ I tried to work with you but you shit all over me and made the morning routine a shambles. You fucking do it.”

He said he didn’t understand why I went off to the bedroom and asked me why I didn’t just tell them to turn the TV off. I said why do I always have to be the one to say that?

I do have to hold the line more but I’m realising that’s ok as that’s just where we parent slightly differently. He had an absent parent and I had trauma so I struggle to say how I feel without guilt/insomnia. I think he finds
some parts of discipline hard. He is great. We are doing well considering we’ve had lots to deal with.

I do tend to dissect stuff and analyse every part of it. It’s only the TV FFS.

Last thing at night, Op. Unplug the TV and put a written cardboard sign over the screen. NO MORNING TV.

Sit down with kids and work out an acceptable TV schedule. How many hours per session? How many days per week? When does XX and XX get their favourite shows? What has to be done before the TV is turned on of a weekend? What are the consequences of not following the rules? Family movie night, or not? etc.etc.
It's best to have predictable and respected screen rules. You are right there, Op. It is not easy parenting screen zombies.

Get your children on side. Have them police the rules and get rewards for doing so and consequences for not. Kids will soon keep Dad on track - especially if it affects their rewards etc.

I always had the tv on in the mornings, but it was the news channel, so DC were always up on current events!

We have agreed there are too many variables on
a school morning.

They only want YouTube so reels/gaming videos.
They wanna have exactly the same time which isn’t possible as one sleeps later.
They want to sit and get into something. They wanna watch long football matches/game shows.
Gone is the age of quick Peppa Pig episodes.
Netflix is films/long episodes.