DH forgetting conversations

[UseTheBigLight]

I know people forget things and this is trivial.
We’ve had the same chat many times for ages. We agreed that TV doesn’t work before school with 2 similar age kids to get out the door (by me). It might for some but not us as we don’t have time. I’m trying to sort food/chivvy them along etc and don’t have time for arguments about who wants to watch what and for how long or them being zombies and not wanting breakfast etc, yet he still puts it on for them most mornings when they ask him to, right over breakfast time.
He keeps saying he forgets ‘my rule'. It's not my 'rule'. We've talked about it and agreed it together.
This morning it’s a film on so I took myself off to the bedroom with a cuppa and left him to it.
He's said sorry but is put out. I mentioned it by text (though at least a text is written down).
He's an intelligent man in a job that requires following strict rules & regs with time-related transactions.
I make sure they don’t have screens as they are getting ready for him to take them to rugby practice. AIBU to bring it up?

If you tell the kids no telly in the morning and mean it, the whole problem goes away … unless H is putting it on for himself not children.

He doesn’t agree so isn’t enforcing it.

Clash a frying pan about at 4am "EVERYONE UP, DAD WANTS YOU TO HAVE TIME TO WATCH TV BEFORE SCHOOL!!!!"

I agree with you- this sort of TV is unworkable on a school morning. Your H though is actively undermining you on this one and is also painting/pushing you as the bad cop when you enforce it. While you might be a good team overall, these elements of the problem do make me wonder quite how good a team you are.

Can you disengage entirely from the morning routine, if he won’t cooperate with you on this, and let him deal with the consequences? Take something else on instead so he doesn’t have any ammunition about you being lazy?

My DH and I had this dynamic. I had a traumatic childhood and he did too. If he’s anything like my DH then something in this dynamic is trigger his angst and he’s possibly responding the only way he knows how through passive aggressive behaviour as direct conversation was not safe during his childhood (that was true for my DH not saying I know what’s what with yours). If you’re like me then you might be more controlling than you realise. We were totally stuck on the drama triangle with him flitting between persecutor and victim and me in different versions of overrhinking rescuer. When I gave me the drama triangle book I’d been lent to read, I was stunned when he identified most with rescuer role too! But he is totally that outside of our home at work etc. we fixed it by me choosing to not try and over explain my emotions. I stated them and left it at that. When he would “misunderstand” or “forget” I would say nothing or say “whatever”. That meant he couldn’t pass his angst over to me (I view it in my head as a game of emotions tennis) and when left with it, he actually sorted it out. Me trying to resolve his angst for him (so I would feel safer again myself) was definitely part of the issue. We did get help and got individual counselling to help stop our pasts from damaging our children and that really helped. He need to go a couple of times and I ended up going weekly for 2 years! Totally could be projecting but your post reminded me of us. We had a great relationship but were tripping ourselves up with how we dealt with emotions and having the kids magnified that.

Ban tv on school mornings. That's not the answer to the issue but it will make things a hell of a lot easier while you figure it out!

pre kids, did he always have the tv on in the morning?

I thought this was going to be a case of early onset dementia, but it is just another case of fuckwittery.

Meh..but who made you the boss? He clearly doesn't agree with the rule. It is your rule...you said you both agreed but that's not what his actions are showing and him calling it your rule is very clear too.
Why do you think you are his boss and have a final say?
I would solve it by making him responsible for sorting the kids out in the morning, his way.

I’m not the boss but I am the one who drives them to school and he can’t do that as he starts work at home earlier than me. So I suggested it as it would probably work better for the family as a whole.

Surely better for the kids to eat breakfast and get ready without rushing in the last 5 mins cos Daddy said they didn’t have to turn the long programme off. Then we forget stuff etc, DS starts worrying he’ll be late.

As an earlier PP said, the type of TV they watch at their age isn’t workable.

I was wondering if I was being unreasonable as when he has to take them to sports practice whilst I work, he makes very sure there’s no TV/Ipad to distract them from getting their kit on and stuff together in the run up to leaving the house.

Set the time you leave, and walk out at that time with or without the kids. He'll only have to get them to school onde before he stops putting TV on.

He's undermining you, and making you look like the bad guy. And now making you doubt yourself and wonder whether you're in the wrong. Which you're not. There is a pattern here, and it's not a trivial thing.

If you are taking the dcs to school, then if you say no TV, then no TV. If he deliberately undermines you and puts it on, then he gets them ready. If they're not ready, on the doorstep, at the time you leave, then he takes them and he gets to be late for work.

He is easy going and likes to say yes in the moment. So do I sometimes but perhaps I’m more realistic with time. It’s lovely he wants to sit and spend time watching TV with them but at 8am on a weekday?

Last night he said ‘I don’t get why you went to the bedroom this morning. Why didn’t you just say turn the TV off?’
I replied why should I be the one always saying that?

So I agree I do get forced into the bad cop role. No two parents are identical are I do accept I have more boundaries and we each bring different things. He is a very involved and loving Dad.

After discussing a change to our routine he said OK to something as if he was fully on board but actually he could have been just agreeing for an easy life. He then proceeds to carry on doing what he wants anyway as he doesn’t actually agree with it.

The undermining is why I was upset and and he‘s now moping as if I’m blaming him and having a pop at him.

So now I’m put off discussing anything with him atm as I don’t believe he’ll follow it thru.

God this would annoy the hell out of me so YANBU he is being very very unreasonable tho.

do you really have to drive them and there’s no other way around it? Can you have a series of docs appointments or similar so you’re out of the house and he’s responsible? He clearly can do it for sports which makes it even more disrespectful to you in my opinion. ask him how he’d feel if you turned the telly on then maybe? And maybe follow through and actually turn it on if it happens again on a school morning?

Most days he has meetings etc.

I asked him how it would feel and he didn’t reply.

Anyway, he’s said there are too many factors with their type of TV so he doesn’t want it on.

I think you need to work harder at making it clear not following through is NOT the option that gets him an easy life. It’s anything but. Leave the house next time.

I'm asking this of all parents on this thread: is watching TV (or gaming or whatever) before school a 'normal' thing?

Then remind him yes there is a strict rule if he could be a good boy and bloody listen to it that would be great. He’s pretending to be an idiot then treat him like one.

On another note if he does keep turning it on, keep vanishing with your cuppa!

I have a similar issue with my DH but it’s around the puppy we have that I’m training, I’ve told him the words till I’m blue in the face, sit, down, middle, leave it, off puppy’s name.. but I hear him “puppy, come here, no no get down, non no off there, oh don’t do that… drives me bloody spare so I’m always paying “use the words, the WORDS”

We have had 6 dogs and I’m determined to train him on this one!!

We take it turns on mornings and have slightly different views on screen time in the morning but have come to a system now that is working where they can have some time once they are totally ready. I have in the past agreed to something my DH suggested because it sounded reasonable but then not stuck to it because it wasn't actually working well for me (or the DC) and also I found he would make a rule but not stick to it himself either and I would find myself trying to follow what we agreed and getting stressed. However this isn't the case for him as he isn't ever doing the school run and I think the person who does the morning routine actually can get to make a rule and I don't understand why it is so hard for him to say no TV as that's the rule in the morning. Also pretty cheeky of your DC if they know the rule and constantly try to break it. Smart plug for the TV and set it so that it can't be turned on until 9am?

Oh, don't get me started on one's DP not following agreed dog training rules!

Maybe that’s a whole new thread.. 🤣 why do they do it.. baby talking to the pups. All my neighbours have heard for the last 2 week is “use the words”

This ^ plus he’s gaslighting you by saying he forgets.

He sounds like my husband was with our kids when they were little. Doesn't want to be bad cop. Doesn't want to be the parent to say no. It's infuriating.

He finds it really hard to face me and have eye contact when we chat about stuff like this and is stood up halfway through the doorway mmm’ing and OK’ing like he’s in a rush (usually is). I say this is hard for me. He used to look away awkwardly which made me frustrated at him.

He said he needs to know if something is set in stone.
He says he doesn’t want a text either. I said how about we catch up in the evening (perhaps a better time when he’s not distracted). He said no, bring it up as and when.