DH forgetting conversations

[UseTheBigLight]

I know people forget things and this is trivial.
We’ve had the same chat many times for ages. We agreed that TV doesn’t work before school with 2 similar age kids to get out the door (by me). It might for some but not us as we don’t have time. I’m trying to sort food/chivvy them along etc and don’t have time for arguments about who wants to watch what and for how long or them being zombies and not wanting breakfast etc, yet he still puts it on for them most mornings when they ask him to, right over breakfast time.
He keeps saying he forgets ‘my rule'. It's not my 'rule'. We've talked about it and agreed it together.
This morning it’s a film on so I took myself off to the bedroom with a cuppa and left him to it.
He's said sorry but is put out. I mentioned it by text (though at least a text is written down).
He's an intelligent man in a job that requires following strict rules & regs with time-related transactions.
I make sure they don’t have screens as they are getting ready for him to take them to rugby practice. AIBU to bring it up?

So when it suits HIS purpose, he can say no and he can be firm. When it suits YOUR purpose, he won’t. I think he needs to have this fact pointed out, explicitly- if he’s reasonable then he’ll see it and change his ways. If he still doesn’t, then it may be worth looking at where else he’s undermining or disrespecting your time and efforts.

I would hide the remote control last thing at night to stop this from happening. Yes I know it’s juvenile but too bad.

OP, this would drive me mad and I would have it out with him. He gets one more chance to not put the TV on in a morning, or I’m putting it on before rugby practice. I’ll tell why - because he needs to understand the impact of it, and he needs to understand that I’m not prepared to always be the bad cop.

So e people don’t learn unless they experience consequences. You say he holds down a responsible job so it is not that he can’t do it.

Such a beautiful post! It bears repeating snd I hope everyone re-reads it!

I agree with matrixdystopia that this is the convergence of trauma issues and communication styles.

OP tey to work on this problem holistically rather than in the moment as he supposedly requested (“as and when”). In fact it sounds like

1. he is mentally putting you in the role if the bad mother when you talk to him about rules or plans. He mentally shuts down when you do so.

2. he doesn’t like being the strict father (as he sees it) saying no to the children.

I think getting out of the house in a good frame of mind is important and avoiding resentment and anger is also important. You can work on the meta issues later.

Just decide and take control on your mornings.

1. everyone wakes up earlier.
2. Tv is disabled until after everyone has left.
3. Assign chores to people who have free time before leaving or reward people who get out to the car first with choice of music or podcast for the car. We used to have books on tape in the car to lure the children.
4. he has already shown he can be strict on his mornings so just be equally doctrinaire on yours.

But reread the trauma informed post above mine. Find a non angry/non stimulating way to communicate with your dh. He sounds like he reacts to certain kinds of communication by shutting down his adult parts and by reverting to his frightened and avoidant child part. You are suffering too—I am not saying you are not—but you have a greater capacity to problem solve than he has.

We are both the blind leading the blind when it comes to communicating as we both didn’t have it modelled to us in a healthy way so we are doing well.

But we are stuck in a loop of him not listening properly, forgetting, then me getting frustrated with him and venting. All when the kids aren’t around. I stopped bringing things up by text months ago but slipped this time and he says it was too much. l did it because he doesn’t look like he’s listening when I do it face to face.

We are working on it and are communicating and have decided no TV at that time.

Thanks all :) MatrixDistopia and pikkumyy77

The only person whose behaviour you can change is your own. Owing your own part in the ping pong is the first step. It’s very powerful and will reap change - you sound the more emotionally aware as pikkunyy77 mentioned, which means you are more likely the one most capable of making the initial change. We were totally stuck in that type of loop too. For my DH and me it was about feeling safe underneath it all. When I feel unsafe, I control, overexplain and become even more hypervigilant. I become obsessed with honesty and feel lied to if my DH agrees to something he has no intention of doing etc. I felt very unsafe as a child - one parent had undiagnosed schizophrenia and would randomly take away things that I cared about and the other would revert to the behaviour of a toddler when stressed and would sometimes not speak to me for days at a time if I asked for help at the wrong time. I instinctly recognise what’s going on for other people and so feel very hurt when how I feel is a mystery to them.

My DH instinctively says plausible bullshit when he feels unsafe and will argue it’s definitely the other person’s fault till he’s blue in the face as making a mistake and needing to say sorry is really dangerous. I won’t go into how his parents were but they were not capable of change! Since my parents got medical help and I became an adult able to look after my own emotions, we’ve both had a wonderful relationship with them. My in-laws we are low contact with and never leave the children alone with them. I try hard not to leave my DH alone with them as they change towards him when I’m out the room.

I wasted hours of my life trying to talk things through and explain my point of view.

edit to add: my DH can still instinctively lie when he feels trapped but he’ll now go: Scrap that. it’s bollocks, let me try again.

Stick a note on the tv "no screens before school " if he puts it on, turn it off.