To not send exes new woman his texts to me?

[Passthevodka1]

My ex and I split in February. He is an alcoholic and drug user.

The day before I was due to get results from a biopsy he disappeared on a bender (something he used to do every 1-2 months for periods of 1-7 days).
I finally saw the light and told him we were finished. I haven't communicated with him since, except via text asking him to remove his belongings from my home.

He has repeatedly text me, asking me to take him back, apologising for the way he has treated me etc, professing his undying love etc. I have ignored.

Four weeks ago, a friend of a friend (John, for the sake of clarity) contacted me to say my ex had shacked up with John's wife and John's kids (they are seperated).

As my ex was still messaging me, I forwarded screenshots of the most recent messages he'd sent me (while he was living with this woman) to her via social media as I figured if it was me, that's what I would want. She read the messages then blocked me without reply. Fair enough, her perogative.

I also messaged my ex and told him I had sent the screenshots to this woman, that I wanted nothing to do with him and reminded him again to remove his belongings from my property.
Ex stopped messaging for a couple of weeks, then started again, denying there was anything between him and this woman and telling me he would come back to me in a second if I would have him. Again, I ignored him.
The same day, I had another message from John, telling me that his ex had gone crazy at him as she'd worked out he had told me my ex was living with her. She is now making it difficult for him to see his children as a result of this. John is understandably concerned that my ex is living with his children as John knows he is an alcoholic and drug user, although John's wife denies this so has probably not witnessed the extent of it yet.

John wants me to message his wife and tell her about my ex's alcoholism and drug use and also send her screenshots of the new messages.

Whilst I hate the idea of this woman being taken advantage of as I was throughout my relationship with him, especially as she has children who will be affected by it (ex can be aggressive and violent when drunk), the fact that she blocked me when I sent her evidence before really makes me think she doesn't want to know and any further contact from me is not going to help matters.

AIBU to think that as I've already made her aware, its time for me to step back and allow her to learn his nature in her own time?

Or should I try again?

I am in the middle of my first round of radiotherapy and could do without thinking about any of this but I keep worrying that if I don't warn her again, I'm being a bit of a shit woman, solidarity-wise.

Thanks in advance for any advice x

No.

You have done your bit and she blocked you.

John will have to do his own labour and take this through the courts. And he can contact social services if he is worried.

I don’t blame you for messaging her but why did you lead with him trying to get back with you?

Why didn’t you tell her he’s an alcoholic and drug addict who targets vulnerable women and has been arrested a few times, and charged and convicted for GBH?

How long were you in a relationship?

Given the children at risk here, I’d send one more lot of messages. It’s really common to reject the idea your partner could be this person when it first gets raised.

I didn't feel the need to spell his addictions out to his new partner because it has become fairly common knowledge that he is an alcoholic and drug user, which is how her husband knows.

Regarding the arrests and criminal conviction, they didn't happen while he was in a relationship with me and I was only made aware of them when his ex contacted me last week. I don't think passing on second-hand information would necessarily be helpful to her and I dont want to cause any issues for his ex as it would be obvious to him that the information would have come from her.

I made his new partner aware of what I know to be factual and what I had evidence of. The only evidence I have of his treatment of me are the texts he has sent me, apologising for his violent outbursts, and swearing that he is getting help for his addictions, which were some of the texts I sent to his new partner. Anything else, although I know it has come from a reliable source, is not provable by me.

We were together just over 2 years, 1 year living together (in my house). The classic "my tenancy is ending, I'll have to move away as I can't afford to stay in this area." Yes, I know I was a fool to let him move in but at that point I didn't know the extent of his drinking, had no idea of his drug use and had not seen any signs of aggression. I didn't want him to have to move away and not be able to see his children regularly, which at the time, I thought he did.

He is an addict, totally immersed in his addiction and luckily for you he is your ex, he has moved on to make someone else’s life chaotic
Block his number and don’t let yourself be involved in his vortex of destruction. Get rid of his clothes either by dropping them off to a family member or charity shop.
Concentrate on you, your recovery from being involved with an addict and breaking free from being codependent.
His new relationship is nothing to do with you, don’t get involved, you warned her, so draw a line under it and let him go.
An addict will lurch from one broken relationship to another, he is looking for someone, anyone to cater to him so he can concentrate on his big love affair with booze and drugs. You cant save him but you can save yourself so stop getting immersed in his dramas.
There is a book I’d recommend by Robin Norwood called ‘Woman who love to much’ which will help you on your road to recovery.

On reflection, I feel that contacting her again would be overstepping her boundary. Having read some of the comments on here assuming that my actions are through spite or revenge, I also feel further contact from me may actually entrench her deeper in her relationship with him. I am going to suggest to John that he contact social services and if they want to contact me regarding any of it, I will tell them what I know.

Hopefully, when she starts to see his true character first-hand, she will add those experiences to the knowledge she has from the messages which I forwarded her, and that will help her to make a decision about how she wants to proceed. You can lead a horse to water...

Addicts are masters in manipulation, and pity parties.
Put it behind you and thank your lucky star that you saw the light, he is gone.
Dump his stuff by Monday.

You have enough to deal with without worry about her and her children. Block all 3 of them and concentrate on your children and health.

To be honest - so what if she has shitstirred.

What does it matter? Ex is a arse, new woman is clearly an arse as well, and they deserve each other.

OP should tell him to pick his stuff up by say Tuesday (or the day before the next bin collection) as the bin men will take it away for him.

As another poster wrote, he targets vulnerable women, they believe his manipulation and lies in the beginning. If you try to convince new woman he could turn violent towards you. He has been messaging you, trying to hook you back incase it doesn’t work out with the new one! He is incapable of loving anyone, he uses people to keep a roof over his head to survive, so he can concentrate on getting off his face.

Hmm, there are children involved though. Should you report to child protection advising that an alcoholic and drug user is living in the house?

I think you did the right thing by trying to warn her about your ex, @Passthevodka1, but you have done what you needed to do, and now it would be best to tell John that you don't want to be involved any more, and won't be sending any screenshots etc. You are going through some very tough things - radiotherapy and the break up of your relationship - and you don't need any more stress right now.

I would also suggest messaging your ex and giving him a date by which he should remove all his stuff from your house, otherwise you will be leaving it for the binmen.

You're not responsible either for his behaviour or her wellbeing.

And despite some of the emotive nonsense spouted on Mumsnet, women are not responsible for what men do. You owe nobody anything on that account. There is no mythical, ethical code of conduct in which women owe loyalty to other women on no other basis than our shared sex, or which dictates that we're somehow responsible for the emotional wellbeing of other women when men have behaved badly toward them. The onus for that is all on them.

You owe her nada. Likewise John, who has no business involving you further and should follow up via official channels if he's concerned about his children's wellbeing.

Women were not put upon this planet to fix all problems for everyone else. You have more immediate concerns. I'm sorry to hear of your illness and really hope that the treatment goes well 💐

I would change your locks pronto so he can’t get into your property, leave his stuff outside in bin bags, don’t open the door to him. If he doesn’t collect them then get bin men to take it away.
Tell John he HAS to ring SS and then block him too.If ex is told to leave he will come back and try to manipulate you into letting him sleep on your sofa etc as he has nowhere else. DONT let him step foot inside your home.

You've done your bit for her.

Encourage John to use his energy fighting for custody of his children and report the situation to SS.

How can you message her if she's blocked you? The only people I would be messaging would be Children's Services. If you do this anonymously, they'll probably just treat it as malicious, but even then, it would be on record, and helos to build a picture, if there are concerns reported in the future.

Ok in that case your actions and motivations make sense.

As there are children involved I would send one last text with any new info.

But you are certainly not obliged to.

Would your message even get there as you’re blocked?

either - Screenshot all the messages and send them to John and say that you are blocking them all and want no further contact from him, his ex wife or your ex and if anyone contacts you - they will be reported to the police for harassment. That’s it- you are out.

or just block them all - not your monkey and not your circus

This is a rather asinine take on the OP 🤦🏻‍♀️

he’s been begging the Op to take him back surely that would be easier to just say sure come on over than try “split them up” as you’re suggesting

Not your circus, not your monkeys.

My question is: why are you even still in contact with this man? Why are you allowing him to text you??
Do yourself a favor: block him (or change your phone number if you're worried about him trying a different phone to call you). Block him from everything: social media, emails, everything.
Now you've ended things with him it's absolutely not your responsibility to be in any way involved in his life.

If you are having trouble doing that for some reason then get a therapist to help you work through whatever feelings are motivating you to not cut him off.

If you have kids with him then arrange contact through a lawyer or a third party system.

From what you've told us the guy is toxic - and you don't need to be dealing with that at all.

Block them all. Stay aware of your own safety. If you feel unease do let the police know. Put yourself first. You are having medical treatment so you don’t need other people’s problems bothering you.

If you have some easy straight up evidence of his character for example a hospital discharge form or messages or videos of him admitting he’s a drug user…then just give them to John. Why do you need to message her directly? And if you know your ex has a record or has had involvement with police tell him to mention that to SS. If his ex wife is such a cow she’ll move in a new man who has a drug and drink problem and stop her kids seeing their dad, John has bigger problems than your ex.