To not send exes new woman his texts to me?

[Passthevodka1]

My ex and I split in February. He is an alcoholic and drug user.

The day before I was due to get results from a biopsy he disappeared on a bender (something he used to do every 1-2 months for periods of 1-7 days).
I finally saw the light and told him we were finished. I haven't communicated with him since, except via text asking him to remove his belongings from my home.

He has repeatedly text me, asking me to take him back, apologising for the way he has treated me etc, professing his undying love etc. I have ignored.

Four weeks ago, a friend of a friend (John, for the sake of clarity) contacted me to say my ex had shacked up with John's wife and John's kids (they are seperated).

As my ex was still messaging me, I forwarded screenshots of the most recent messages he'd sent me (while he was living with this woman) to her via social media as I figured if it was me, that's what I would want. She read the messages then blocked me without reply. Fair enough, her perogative.

I also messaged my ex and told him I had sent the screenshots to this woman, that I wanted nothing to do with him and reminded him again to remove his belongings from my property.
Ex stopped messaging for a couple of weeks, then started again, denying there was anything between him and this woman and telling me he would come back to me in a second if I would have him. Again, I ignored him.
The same day, I had another message from John, telling me that his ex had gone crazy at him as she'd worked out he had told me my ex was living with her. She is now making it difficult for him to see his children as a result of this. John is understandably concerned that my ex is living with his children as John knows he is an alcoholic and drug user, although John's wife denies this so has probably not witnessed the extent of it yet.

John wants me to message his wife and tell her about my ex's alcoholism and drug use and also send her screenshots of the new messages.

Whilst I hate the idea of this woman being taken advantage of as I was throughout my relationship with him, especially as she has children who will be affected by it (ex can be aggressive and violent when drunk), the fact that she blocked me when I sent her evidence before really makes me think she doesn't want to know and any further contact from me is not going to help matters.

AIBU to think that as I've already made her aware, its time for me to step back and allow her to learn his nature in her own time?

Or should I try again?

I am in the middle of my first round of radiotherapy and could do without thinking about any of this but I keep worrying that if I don't warn her again, I'm being a bit of a shit woman, solidarity-wise.

Thanks in advance for any advice x

I think you did great, good on you. I think you can tell John you have every sympathy but that you have done all you can and need to focus on your health in this time.

I agree with other posters that OP has shit stirred, no one messages the new woman as a favor, it's clearly motivated by a need to avenge.

Stop lying to yourself OP

I didn't block him because he has thousands of pounds worth of belongings in my home, including items which belong to his children, which have been packed up and ready for him to collect since March.

I'm not "trying to make out I was doing her a favour", I was trying to forewarn her about his behaviour because I wish to God his ex had warned me when I got together with him. Unfortunately, she was too scared to reach out to me until after she knew we'd split.
I make no apology for trying to help a fellow woman. You are entirely wrong about my motivations and as I said, your assumption that this could only come from a place of spite only speaks of your character, not my own.

If making a woman aware that her new partner is attempting to get back with his ex while shagging her and living with her children is shit-stirring then OK, I'm fine with being a shit--stirrer.

What I won't ever be is someone who enables mens shitty behaviour and poor treatment of women by being silent.

Hey OP, has he got a crimminal record related to the drugs and violent behavior? If he’s ever been convicted or charged with domestic violence or maybe even violent offenses and you are in the UK then you could suggest to John that he requests a Clair’s Law (DV) or Sarah’s Law (Child abuse) disclosure.
The Police probably won’t tell John anything, but if anything concerning comes up, they will tell his ex-wife.

exactly this.

John needs to go through social services and the courts if their mum is making poor choices.

You can be sympathetic but you can’t sort out his problems.

Move on with your life, you have enough to be dealing with. Good luck with the treatment.

I don't "keep messaging him", I've text him 3 times in 5 months, asking him to remove his belongings from my property. I have never responded to his texts which have attempted to emotionally manipulate me (such as claiming to be homeless and living on the streets), nor the hundreds of "I'm sorry for everything I did to you/I love you/need you/can't be without you" texts he has sent.
He involved me by sending those messages while living with another woman (hardly a one night stand when he's moved into her children's home) and I personally feel that she had a right to know. What she chooses to do with that information is up to her.

You all sound awful - poor kids.

But yes, stop sending childish, vindictive, spiteful messages over to them.

This

He has a knack for attaching himself to vulnerable women and is pretty skilled at hiding his addictions, at least for the first few months. I have every confidence she will see him for what he is fairly quickly, my hope is that the information I've given her will combine with what she sees herself and will enable her to make an informed decision, rather than being in the dark about his past behaviours, as I was.

I agree with you.
I would also want to know if I was getting together with an alcoholic drug addict.

If I was motivated by a "need to avenge", I could have disposed of the belongings he's left at my house, or sent her all the messages he's sent me since being with her, claiming to be heartbroken, unable to eat/sleep etc. Or even taken him back just to split them up.

People who can only imagine ill-intent from others are reflecting their own character.

Nice bit of victim blaming there 👌

He has been arrested a few times, charged and convicted for GBH once as far as I know but I was only told this recently by his ex. Not sure the police would find this relevant to his new partner as it was not a domestic situation but I will suggest to John that he mention it if he contacts social services regarding his children.

Some of it belongs to his children so I don't want to get rid of it if I can help it (bikes/clothes/TV/games console). His ex (mothers children) is too scared of him to collect her children's belongings without his say-so.

Taking another quick look, it seems like Clare’s law might be the more relevant one. Sarah’s law seems to be more specific to child sex offenses rather than just violent and unpredictable behavior that might make someone a risky adult to have around children. The Police are the ones who decide whether anything on a person’s criminal record should be known by their partner so they’d make the call as to whether your ex’s offenses should be disclosed to his current partner.

I sincerely hope she doesn't feel silly, he really is an excellent manipulator and gaslighter. None of this is her fault. The persona he presents, at least for the first six months or so, is utterly convincing and the disregulation that occurs when you finally see his true colours is destabilising. Being deceived by him isn't a reflection on her, very few people get to see behind the curtain and when they do, extracting themselves is very difficult.

Some people on this thread really are just projecting. Nothing more.

You did the right thingz she clearly wants to stay clueless. I wouldn't message again, you're blocked so not sure how you would anyway, but tell John to go to social services, as this really isn't a safe situation for children.

You did the right thing in contacting her initially. In her shoes I would want to know. Surely anyone would? But clearly she's decided to plough on with him (why???), so there's nothing else you can do. Its up to 'John' to take this forward with SS.

If you really want no contact with him just block him. Problem solved.

If John is really worried, he should contact SS and make them aware of the situation. They can assess themselves and it might make his ex wife see sense.
But it’s not your responsibility and you need to focus on yourself and your health. I’m sorry you’re unwell

I’d send a last one telling him to collect his stuff by a certain date, that if he doesn’t it will go in the bin. I’d then block him.
I would text John to say that you won’t be getting further involved and suggest he takes professional advice ref his children and access, then block him

Your only priority is yourself and getting well. Don’t let these people drag you down.

The problem is too many women put their heads in the sand. They refuse to see the warning signs and even when told information like this, they ignore it. It's a combination of desire/desperation for a relationship, low self esteem and not believing you.

They assume you're a "bitter ex" and they aren't thinking about who they allow around their kids.

In this case, as you were mutual friends, she probably never saw the bad side of him so she may not believe it.

You've warned her.

You've been honest and told your Ex about it.

She's old enough to take it from here. You've done your bit. Leave them to it.

One final message to your ex to get his stuff by X date, or you're disposing of it. Be clear in the message, that despite previous requests to collect it, he hasn't done so.

Be careful for your safety and do not be alone with him. He could get violent and/or nasty.

You were right to give her a heads-up, he's clearly a dangerous manipulator.

It's kind of you to keep his kids things, but it wouldn't be your fault they end up at a charity shop, it would be his.

He has had ample time to come and get them and isn't doing so because he thinks he can keep you in his life by guilting you - he knows you're a good person who wouldn't burn his kids' bikes.

You seem to me a strong person who doesn't need protecting from the projections coming at you on here, so annoying.

Dealing with this while doing radiotherapy must be a headache, time to shut it down I'd say.
Edit: short version, one last message to John and then block everyone is what I'd do.

Why are you prolonging this bull-shit.
You obviously enjoy the drama.
Block him, move on.
Leave John, ex and new GF behind.
Focus on yourself. They're not worth it.