To not want to take feral 16 month old to toddler group?

[ToddlerMum1222]

My 16 month old little boy is quite a handful at times and has started having tantrums if he wants to do something and is told no.

I try really hard to take him to different places but wherever we go he never wants to actually do what he’s supposed to do there. For example at the messy play class all he wanted to do was play with the bubble machine, or sit in the water tray and had a tantrum when he couldn’t. At a toddler group he found the one place he wasn’t supposed to go and kept running there, then all he wanted to do was climb up the slide and kept having tantrums when I took him off. I get so flustered and think other parents are judging me. He eats amazingly well at home but when I gave him a banana at toddler group he mushed it everywhere, all over himself and my trousers and I was chasing him round with a wet wipe. I honestly wanted to cry as all the other children were playing nicely.

Does this sound normal? Part of me thinks he might have ASD because he’s behind in his communication skills and not talking yet. My husband thinks I should carry on taking him to all these different groups but I just want to stop and wait until he’s abit older?

I would stick to less structured groups where there isn't an expectation he will sit nicely and do colouring or whatever. Do those still exist? Our sure start centre used to run them in totally childproof rooms (basically like nurseries) so you didn't have to constantly chase after them and remove them from places they aren't meant to be. It helped. Or our NCT class would meet up rotationally at each others' houses and again because we all had toddlers there weren't things there they weren't supposed to touch.

I think I would want to keep going because if his language/communication is delayed I would be thinking along the lines of it being good to keep exposing him to social situations because it might help them feel more familiar and safe for him. But maybe I'm getting mixed up with puppies 😅

How are you doing in yourself? I found when my DC were little I absolutely needed social contact with other adults. It was depressing and isolating trying to do it all on my own. My DC are neurodivergent and weirdly looking back, the places where we met parents of other children who stuck around even when the DC start to obviously diverge from their peers were the sort of "alternative" toddler groups like the sling meet, the La Leche League meetings, and we didn't go to these but I know a few friends of friends all met each other at the local forest school which tended to be a precursor to home ed.

He wanted to climb up the slide whilst other children were coming down the slide.

The bubble machine was on a table and was turned on making bubbles but he wanted to touch the machine and it was out of reach. I don’t think he should be touching an expensive bubble machine really and I wasn’t happy for him to do so.

To be fair, many kids want to climb up he slide when others want, or are, coming down. It’s normal and natural behaviour. As is wanting to touch a machine that blows out pretty bubbles. Your toddler sounds fine, however you sound overly anxious - could you speak to a gp or hv about it?

Yes I agree - it's perfectly reasonably to stop re-direct if your son is climbing up while others are climbing down, or if it's not appropriate to touch the bubble machine - but his trying to do so is 100% normal.

My oldest was just like this. He literally tried to climb up a chimney at a Sparky Songs sessions. I was heavily pregnant with DC2, bright red in the face and sweating when I had to haul him out of the (thankfully disused) fireplace, shrieking, thrashing and covered in dust and soot while the group leader sang “Wheels on the Bus” and everyone stared. I never went back. He was diagnosed with AuDHD at 7, and he’s 14 now and awesome; hilarious, fiercely intelligent and great company. He also LOVES hearing stories about what a stinker he was when he was little 🤣

I totally get why you want to keep going to these groups OP; the need for purpose, structure and adult company is strong when you spend so much time alone with tiny, irrational humans who can’t communicate properly. My advice would be to alternate with as much time in the park as possible where he can climb until his heart is content, and if you do stick with the groups, remember that people aren’t judging as much as you think (and if they are, their time will come!)

Yes but it's different when they want to do the thing and you have to redirect them a few times, vs what OP describes which is it being "all he wants to do" or feeling like she is constantly trying to redirect him and field tantrums rather than being able to chat to other mums or help him join in with the activity. You're very lucky if you go to toddler groups and get to sit down and relax for the whole time, but there's a difference between the children who need you to keep an eye on them and go over for a brief word every few minutes and needing a bit more of a stronger intervention every now and again, vs one who needs constant redirection and support.

Thinking about it DS2 was the most like this out of all of them but he was a toddler during lockdown so we likely skipped a lot of this stage. He is still the one I need to take out of things early and/or do a huge amount of preparation with him, and he is six now.

Give it a rest for a couple of months, and maybe re-start in September, when often a bunch of newbies start.

For what it's worth, these sort of groups are pretty perfect for metaphorically "beating the feral out of them", but it does require you to stick at it.

I do quite a bit of work in nurseries, and we quite often say about our rising-fives that "school will beat it out of them." They need more structure, challenge, and tough boundaries.

Go to one where there are a few mums you can chat to. Go to the same one so it’s a routine and let him feral. He’s only a toddler

I have two (somewhat feral) girls, 3 and 1, and have always avoided structured classes. I used to go to stay and play gymnastic classes with my 3 year old (optional warm up / cool down, then just running around on the equipment (supervised) and a bouncy castle, with as much or as little structure as you wanted). She now does the pre-school class by herself (no parents) which is more structured but she’s grown out of doing he opposite of whatever she’s supposed to, well for other people, not for me obviously 😅🤦🏼‍♀️

If you’re feeling stressed about it, don’t go, try something else instead.

ps thanks to PP who said strong independent adults were once strong independent children, I needed that today 😂

Omg this brought back memories. My one year old was like this - if there was ever somewhere he wasn’t supposed to be at a group he’d be obsessed with being there. Also went through a phase of just wanting to run for the doors. I had friends who liked going to a softplay at a leisure centre and I had to stop going for ages with them as my one would never stay on the softplay and just wanted to be wandering around near the doors. Used to drive me mad!

If it makes you feel any better he’s a bright, funny and mostly well behaved four year old now who actually thrives in a structured group - football, dance and swimming lessons!

It's normal. I'd keep going so he learns how to behave in the groups. Parents will be less understanding when he gets older so best to keep at it now. It will also be harder for you to manage when he gets bigger and stronger.