To not want to take feral 16 month old to toddler group?

[ToddlerMum1222]

My 16 month old little boy is quite a handful at times and has started having tantrums if he wants to do something and is told no.

I try really hard to take him to different places but wherever we go he never wants to actually do what he’s supposed to do there. For example at the messy play class all he wanted to do was play with the bubble machine, or sit in the water tray and had a tantrum when he couldn’t. At a toddler group he found the one place he wasn’t supposed to go and kept running there, then all he wanted to do was climb up the slide and kept having tantrums when I took him off. I get so flustered and think other parents are judging me. He eats amazingly well at home but when I gave him a banana at toddler group he mushed it everywhere, all over himself and my trousers and I was chasing him round with a wet wipe. I honestly wanted to cry as all the other children were playing nicely.

Does this sound normal? Part of me thinks he might have ASD because he’s behind in his communication skills and not talking yet. My husband thinks I should carry on taking him to all these different groups but I just want to stop and wait until he’s abit older?

I would take a break and retry when he's a few months older. There's no point stressing yourself out, the benefits don't outweigh the stress at this age.

I had a nightmare toddler (AuDHD) but it’s actually really important to keep going imo. It’s far worse to avoid everywhere and then suddenly expect them to magically know how to behave when you take them there once they are older.

Sounds very normal. Parents might judge but they get their turn when their kid poos all over something in a years time.

I would count to 5 every time he's doing something stupid and he will stop reacting to you (he probably sees it as a game). And I would buy yourself some loops so your sensory input is reduced - toddler groups just are the worst for this.

One of mine was like this and I did stop going for a while as I found it too stressful. She was probably slight older than yours but she also used to suss out the wobbly newly walking baby and march up to them and give them a shove. It was mortifying ... she did grow out of it thankfully.

Quite normal, my son was like this at a singing group - only child to run and climb on stacked chairs. Wouldn’t sit for even one nursery rhyme. I found some other groups “stay and play” and less sit down ones and it was much better. Keep going, it sounds like he needs stimulation

I’d keep going so he learns the skills; but it’s your call. If it’s not manageable for you, stop.

Mine had a wonderful phase of acting totally feral… I promise it passes!

It's tricky because it's probably really good for him to go to these things and mix with other toddlers. Maybe try and stick to one that's just toys etc out rather than a structured activity one. Or no harm really in leaving it a couple of months, but I wouldn't give up on it yet completely. Lots of toddlers are handfuls at that age and, although you may feel judged, most mums (especially with little boys) have been there.

Strong willed, independent adults are the result of strong willed, independent children so try not to worry, he’s still only young.

My DD is almost 16 months and she just wants to do what she wants to do which is totally normal so I take her to the park or somewhere she can choose where to play rather than an organised activity with expectations to act in a certain way. When my DS was 18 months, I took him to a football class and he picked up the football and ran straight out of an emergency exit and set the alarms off. We never went back!

You’re not in any way stunting your child’s development if you don’t go to every toddler class. Sometimes there are more general play sessions where a load of toys are just chucked out in a church hall or something and that might be more suitable because he can just play with what he wants?

In my experience, keep going. Or find a one which just has a load of toys out, tend to be church halls or community centres.

i found the structured classes started being boring for him and he just wanted a free flow.

even a soft play, they do toddler mornings, I found them easier.

When my DS was 18 months, I took him to a football class and he picked up the football and ran straight out of an emergency exit and set the alarms off. We never went back!

This made me laugh as it’s something my son would definitely do!

at the messy play class

Just stop going to these things. Structured classes for toddlers are an oxymoron. I don't know who enjoys them, not the kids, parents or facilitators. Every time I tried any I've had to leave early as my kids just didn't see the point and I couldn't blame them.

The weather is nice in the summer, just take him to the park or the playground. When it rains, take him to the supermarket or let him "help" you fold clothes at home. Failing that, use the soft play.

Ah I do have an exception for sports lessons! I think they are very good from about 2yo. Kids instinctively understand the point of playing with a ball. They don't understand the point of sitting down singing while waving a dirty scarf. Or, mine never did

Sounds like mine! Our local toddler group was Steiner, so all very nicey-nicey, organic wooden gender-neutral toys and quiet storytime. DS tolerated it until he cold walk; then he broke into the church hall's storage cupboard and caused a genuine riot by producing the world's loudest plastic fire engine. The following week he climbed over a baby gate and would have escaped into the garden if I hadn't caught him. We found an outdoor Forest School group and a soft play group at the local leisure centre after that, and never showed our faces at toddler group again.

Oh, and Rugby Tots - he started that when he was 3 and it suited his level of chaos much better.

I have a two and a half year old with ASD who can have quite lengthy, violent meltdowns when told "no" repeatedly. The best advice I can give to handle tantrums is to focus only on your child. Other parents and their presumed opinions will not affect you or your child in the slightest. All you can do and focus on is de-escalating the situation and helping your child to regulate.

Keep going, it will get better. Just calm down a bit.

Sounds normal to me (although maybe my child was also feral 😬)

Try some different groups. We liked our forest school group because they had very few rules about what the kids could and couldn't do (other than safety based ones) and they were completely non judgemental.

Maybe take short break, then try something different, less structured. He’s still very young. My son wasn’t even walking at 16 months (or sitting unaided at 8-9 months) and I remember being embarrassed about that at baby and toddler groups. He soon caught up, but it was hard to be relaxed about it at the time.
Also, it might be time for his dad to take him to a class or two (at the weekend if he works during the week) and see how easy he finds it.

Anyone judging you is a twit. Sounds like you are doing a great job.

I had an early crawler/walker with slightly later language skills. He was a fucking nightmare to parent for a while because he had all the physical skills to cause havoc, no understanding yet of ´no’ - or at least he would never stop doing something because I said no, I would have to back that up by physically stopping him from doing it at the same time, and a super stubborn streak.
It’s not just you and it’s not always an indication of neurodivergence. It’s sometimes just a combination of where they are at in terms of motor skills and language skills, plus personality. Spaces where there are fewer things that are not allowed and more things that are allowed are easier. I spent many many many hours in local parks because it was less soul destroying than trying to keep him from climbing the furniture constantly.

I laughed at the title because solidarity and mines isn't even walking yet 🤣 I personally wouldn't judge you, parenting is hard and you're clearly trying and not just letting them run riot and not caring. I'd keep going but at the same time if it's stressful for you maybe take a break because you don't want that either! X

Sounds like my 16 month old. I take her to play group and they do story and singing at the end but she can’t sit and listen. She’s just in the phase of having to always been on the move it’s exhausting.

I agree with PPs about picking groups where stuff is allowed - my similar-aged DS is in nursery and they just let them sit in the water tray if they want. I'd also let him climb up the slide if it was not too dangerous - the thing he needs to learn is to take turns with other children, which is more important than playing in the 'correct' way.

He's sensory seeking.

He hasn't read the rulebook on how to play with things in the way they are supposed to be played with, he is just learning about the world and exploring and doing the things that feel good to him. He's not feral, it is just how your child is learning about what is going off around him.

If you liked to knit, and you went to a group where there was knitting and then another activity was a Ted talk about all 10000 varieties of tomato or the invention of LCD screens, something that I'm sure you could not give 2 flying fucks about I'm sure you'd also just sit in the knitting corner. That's what he is doing with the bubbles.

There are something like 32 steps to eating, and exploring food and it's textures with our skin is an important part. Not just for that food but to compare it to other things around us. This banana is mushy, what else is mushy, bubbles aren't mushy, maybe sand is mushy, etc.

He's also at an age where he is learning about boundaries. To learn about how boundaries work, you've got to cross them.

Frankly if an establishment has a hard no on children entering a certain area I think it's on them to make it childproof, because a curious mind is an intelligent mind, and he's just doing what feels right to him. He's basically entered this world like an alien that doesn't know the language or the rules or the customs and he's got to figure that stuff out, and that is all he is doing. He's also learning about emotions and cause and effect. If he keeps doing this, then that happens, and he can make it happen over and over and over, and he will keep doing it until something changes or he gets bored.

I don't think you should deprive your child of these experiences but I also don't think you should force yourself to go, because you've got to have the energy to redirect him.

Also nobody will be judging you.

Definitely keep going as that’s how he’ll learn but try and relax: no one who’s worth anything will be judging as it all sounds like normal toddler stuff (though stressful at the time.) If you stay away you’re giving yourself the feeling he / you has failed and that’s not right - just go with low expectations and reward yourself after with a cuppa or a cake!