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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband left me to care for baby at one week post c section

75 replies

Nunu90 · 21/05/2025 05:18

My husband and I are both very sleep deprived as our newborn is cluster feeding - to the extent that the last few nights we’ve been awake all night. We also have another DC aged 3.5.

We had words at about 11.00 last night (sleep deprivation) and he stormed out saying ‘deal with this yourself’, leaving me to care for our newborn all night on my own at one week post c-section. He would usually help me by offering to change nappies, grab pillows and then sleep while I breast feed.

Tonight I have had no sleep at all and the feeding has been relentless. As I have only just started getting some semi-decent mobility, I was changing newborn’s nappy on our bed and she wet all over the bed. I therefore had to change all the sheets and sort a new duvet out as well as deal with newborn crying and worry about our toddler waking up.

I understand we’re both sleep deprived so said some spiteful things, but AIBU (my tired state can’t decide if I am being rational) to think this behaviour is just unforgivable and next level spiteful?

OP posts:
Pippa12 · 21/05/2025 05:22

No it’s not reasonable for him to leave you to it all night.

When you say you said some spiteful things, what did you say? (You don’t need to answer that but I suppose it is relevant so perhaps something to ponder on)

Donthaveacowman45 · 21/05/2025 05:25

He told you to deal with this yourself. No respect at all. Why you making excuses for this man child. You’re one week post c section. What’s he doing? He’s not breastfeeding or changing or helping. He’s not the one who’s had major surgery. Honestly op wtf you doing with him?

Donthaveacowman45 · 21/05/2025 05:26

What was he like with your other child? Is this the same behaviour?

Original poster
Nunu90 · 21/05/2025 05:28

Thanks for your reply. He made a hurtful comment which he said ‘as a joke’; I was cranky as he had been making a huge fuss over the fact newborn had spit up, and just generally not helping the situation. Again, I understand this as I was in a similar mentality due to tiredness but he then said ‘don’t start on me or I’ll knock you into next week’ which I just don’t see as a ‘joke’ at all. It’s not funny or an acceptable thing to ‘joke’ about.

He is starting to work abroad next month so I then told him not to worry as he’d be the other side of the world soon and he then got up and stormed out, leaving me to it and saying how ‘ungrateful’ I am for the work he does and that I can ‘support’ the family from now on.

OP posts:
Donthaveacowman45 · 21/05/2025 05:33

Is it’s real? Like saying he’ll knock you into next week is abusive.

rivalsbinge · 21/05/2025 05:37

Joke or not who says that? He implied violence, I would be telling him to stay overseas. What is he like with your 3.5 year old, are you actually safe?

Pippa12 · 21/05/2025 05:37

Nunu90 · 21/05/2025 05:28

Thanks for your reply. He made a hurtful comment which he said ‘as a joke’; I was cranky as he had been making a huge fuss over the fact newborn had spit up, and just generally not helping the situation. Again, I understand this as I was in a similar mentality due to tiredness but he then said ‘don’t start on me or I’ll knock you into next week’ which I just don’t see as a ‘joke’ at all. It’s not funny or an acceptable thing to ‘joke’ about.

He is starting to work abroad next month so I then told him not to worry as he’d be the other side of the world soon and he then got up and stormed out, leaving me to it and saying how ‘ungrateful’ I am for the work he does and that I can ‘support’ the family from now on.

He said he’s knock you into next week???? This is beyond not funny and I cannot see how this was said as a joke! And, following that, he left you all night with a new born 1 week post op?? I’m really not a ‘LTB’ type but wowzers that’s shit behaviour!

Donthaveacowman45 · 21/05/2025 05:40

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DorothyStorm · 21/05/2025 05:41

rivalsbinge · 21/05/2025 05:37

Joke or not who says that? He implied violence, I would be telling him to stay overseas. What is he like with your 3.5 year old, are you actually safe?

This. But what did he say before that? Youve shared the threat of violence but not what came first, which im wondering if it was even worse.

JustMyView13 · 21/05/2025 05:56

This is only going one way OP, and it’s not more help, love and compassion. Do you have family around you can lean on. Can someone come and stay with you seen as he’s moved out.

Original poster
Nunu90 · 21/05/2025 06:01

Unfortunately not. I am really worried being left on my own to look after two children, with one being a newborn. I’m absolutely exhausted and so emotional. My family aren’t the most reliable and I appreciate they all have their own lives too. I don’t get any childcare help from them.

OP posts:
GreatWhiteWail · 21/05/2025 06:05

So he thinks he's a hero for going to work, and threatens to stop using his earnings to pay for his young family anymore, and threatens to knock you into next week?

He's a terrible person, a terrible husband and a shit father.

ZebraPrintt · 21/05/2025 06:07

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Who are you saying is thick? OP?

Original poster
Nunu90 · 21/05/2025 06:08

Yes I believe they were referring to me.

OP posts:
Theunamedcat · 21/05/2025 06:09

Is the house rented or owned?

CopperWhite · 21/05/2025 06:10

What was said right before he left? Sometimes walking away from an argument is the best thing to do, even in this case it meant leaving you overnight sooner than ideal.

Scottishgirl85 · 21/05/2025 06:11

Is DH on paternity leave? If you both haven't slept for 48 hours personally I'd draw a line under and have a chat today to acknowledge awful things were said. You can't both be staying up all night, that's madness. Try to sort nights a bit better where you sleep in different rooms and take turns settling baby. On his shift he does it all but brings to you for breastfeed.

JustMyView13 · 21/05/2025 06:13

@Nunu90 You'll need speak to you community midwives.
It’s well known that DV risks and occurrences increased after childbirth. Perhaps they can help you with more practical steps.
Is there anyone that could stay with you for a week? You’re so fresh PP and another week you should start to feel like your healing is turning a corner.

I for one could never forgive a man who made these threats as a joke. But treating the walk out as an entirely separate incident, that too would be unforgivable.

MumCanIHaveASnackPlease · 21/05/2025 06:16

Oh when he returned home his bags would be packed at the front door for him. Being grumpy, irritable and even irrational when sleep deprived is a given, threats of violence are never acceptable under any circumstances.

Looneytune253 · 21/05/2025 06:17

The only way that was a joke is if it was said with an actual laugh in the midst of some banter. Doesn't sound like that's the case. I hate the drama queens on here though. Slagging the bloke off and saying he is the worst human for this. Unless the guy is actually abusive I'm positive he wouldn't have actually done this. We only know half the story and reading between the lines it sounds like OP may have said something equally awful. Sleep deprivation is hard OP. When things have calmed down hopefully he's apologetic (and you too) and you can let him know how unacceptable it was to leave you and his children in such a vulnerable position.

ZebraPrintt · 21/05/2025 06:19

Nunu90 · 21/05/2025 06:08

Yes I believe they were referring to me.

You're not thick youre 1 week PP! You need him to step up and help, c section recovery is so hard with sleep deprivation on top too. I'm not defending him one bit, what he said was wrong, but sleep deprivation does strange things and causes you to act out of character, he needs to step up and help you. You both need to come to some arrangement where you can both get some sleep if possible

Ohnonotagainmrswebster · 21/05/2025 06:22

Threatening to knock you into next week is domestic violence. I would be thinking very carefully about my relationship if I were you. He’s showing you who he really is.

BookArt55 · 21/05/2025 06:24

Are there any other issues in the relationship? His comments about violence, was this a one off or happened before?

None of his behaviour is acceptable. In a very vulnerable time, where you had major surgery just a week ago, with two children to care for, he left. Reminds me of something very similar that happened when my second was a newborn. I tried working on it but ended up leaving when 2nd turned 18months. Now, looking back, I can see clearly there were a lot of behaviours which were completely unacceptable but I was so hell bent on that family unit for my kids and thinking how awful it would look leaving when I'd not long given birth... but I should have left and knew it deep down.

Evaluate your relationship, would you be happy if your child was in your relationship? Is it truly a healthy relationship?

If the answer is no, then you could end it today, or you wait until he leaves for work next month and use the time to get yourself organised without him knowing.

If you choose to stay, and feel this was a one off sleep deprived awful moment, then start making a secret little money pot for yourself- an emergency stash. Add to it every week or month, no matter how small, so you have that peace of mind that if things go wrong in the future you have the money to leave until you can get the necessary support.

EnhancedVampireEyeballs · 21/05/2025 06:24

Looneytune253 · 21/05/2025 06:17

The only way that was a joke is if it was said with an actual laugh in the midst of some banter. Doesn't sound like that's the case. I hate the drama queens on here though. Slagging the bloke off and saying he is the worst human for this. Unless the guy is actually abusive I'm positive he wouldn't have actually done this. We only know half the story and reading between the lines it sounds like OP may have said something equally awful. Sleep deprivation is hard OP. When things have calmed down hopefully he's apologetic (and you too) and you can let him know how unacceptable it was to leave you and his children in such a vulnerable position.

Your misogyny is showing. "Drama queens" is particularly unpleasant and misogynistic.

Also, nobody said "he is the worst human". Lying and hyperbole don't really help whatever point you're badly attempting to make.

MumCanIHaveASnackPlease · 21/05/2025 06:26

Looneytune253 · 21/05/2025 06:17

The only way that was a joke is if it was said with an actual laugh in the midst of some banter. Doesn't sound like that's the case. I hate the drama queens on here though. Slagging the bloke off and saying he is the worst human for this. Unless the guy is actually abusive I'm positive he wouldn't have actually done this. We only know half the story and reading between the lines it sounds like OP may have said something equally awful. Sleep deprivation is hard OP. When things have calmed down hopefully he's apologetic (and you too) and you can let him know how unacceptable it was to leave you and his children in such a vulnerable position.

Labelling women as drama queens because they would no accept threats of violence is deeply misogynistic. Check yourself.