Husband left me to care for baby at one week post c section

[Nunu90]

My husband and I are both very sleep deprived as our newborn is cluster feeding - to the extent that the last few nights we’ve been awake all night. We also have another DC aged 3.5.

We had words at about 11.00 last night (sleep deprivation) and he stormed out saying ‘deal with this yourself’, leaving me to care for our newborn all night on my own at one week post c-section. He would usually help me by offering to change nappies, grab pillows and then sleep while I breast feed.

Tonight I have had no sleep at all and the feeding has been relentless. As I have only just started getting some semi-decent mobility, I was changing newborn’s nappy on our bed and she wet all over the bed. I therefore had to change all the sheets and sort a new duvet out as well as deal with newborn crying and worry about our toddler waking up.

I understand we’re both sleep deprived so said some spiteful things, but AIBU (my tired state can’t decide if I am being rational) to think this behaviour is just unforgivable and next level spiteful?

This stage is horrendous, it brings out the best in nobody but it doesn’t sound like if is dealing with it well or being very supportive. I also sense your anxiety at being on your own when he is away which probably isn’t helping your state of mind. If your family isn’t very supportive either is it possible to get some paid help in a couple of times to give you a break while he is away?

Get today organised.

If you have no family about, any good friends in your area? Can they help out for a couple of hours? Eg taking toddler, holding baby whilst you sleep? It's one of those days when you need to call in a favour.

If no friends can help, go to a place where toddler can occupy themselves with minimal fuss. Eg contained park. Soft play. Etc Then screens / Lego / chill.

You need to eat. Buy food in or go to cafe for food..

I hope you’ve managed to get some sleep.

When things have calmed down and you manage to have a chat remember walking out and leaving you to it is not ok, walking away from an argument fine but actually leaving no. Threatening violence is not ok.

Dh was working away when my dc were young, it was hard, it takes a while to adjust to the new schedule, then when he came back it was hard again as he wasn’t included in the schedule so it took a while to readjust but you’ll get through it. 💐

Sleep deprivation is awful, but I am struggling to see how it excuses making violent threats towards a barely-mobile new mother in recovery from major surgery.

@Nunu90 please contact your local community midwife / health visitor team to see whether you can access any support.

I want to give to a massive hug! Last night must have been awful and no new mum should ever be put in that situation. What he did is terrible and selfish. You need to have a serious chat it him. Sending the biggest hugs to you 🤗

“The only way that was a joke is if it was said with an actual laugh in the midst of some banter. I hate the drama queens on here though.”

I wouldn’t even accept my very young child threatening violence and to “knock me into next week” as long as it’s provided with a laugh and some banter, let alone a man. I don’t think people are being drama queens if having higher (I’d argue pretty basic) expectations for how they will be treated and spoken to.

OP, when relationships have broken down for me, over time there have been standout moments or comments that crossed my line and which have stayed with me and eaten away until one is the final nail in the coffin. I’d struggle seeing past him doing this to me.

My first baby cluster fed all night often. I know how horrendous you feel. This early on, my husband used to sit up and watch me feed as I slept as I was scared of falling asleep. Everything else except breastfeeding the baby was totally his job. We definitely bickered at this time, but we still parented cooperatively and looked after each other too. This is pretty normal. Your husband sounds a shit husband and shit father.

I’m not saying LTB if this truly is isolated and he seriously makes it up to you with no repeat behaviour or anything similar, but I’d be resentful of being treated so poorly during what should be a special time at best and a vulnerable time at worst.

Threatening violence is not a joke. Ever. He's a nasty bully, using 'it's a joke' to excuse his abuse, as all bullies do.

Leaving you exhausted to do it all alone for the night, in an argument is a dealbreaker for me. Never mind the threats of violence. What an awful man. I am sorry OP x

That’s an awful thing he said to you it’s totally unacceptable and unforgivable. Cluster feeding and recovering from a c section and nights are so hard and you shouldn’t be doing that alone.

Honestly - sounds like you were both exhausted and unkind and no, it’s not right he left you but at this point I would calmly apologise for the argument, wait for him to apologise too, have a hug and ask for a reset and try again tonight.

im worried about you being alone with two such tiny kids - can you afford to put oldest in daycare some of the week? It’s going to be relentlessly hard work and what if you’re unwell - how long is he gone for op?

Threats of DV when you are at your most physical vulnerable? I’d be saying he can go abroad for his work and not return. Change the locks and issue divorce proceedings while he’s away. Apply for child support instantly. There is no forgiveness for this. He can’t come back from threats of violence, not when you are this vulnerable and holding a newborn baby.

I'd be telling his parents and family and broadcasting on sm that you're now a single parent and need help from your network. Name and shame him and show him for what he is quickly so he can't spin an alternative story.

It’s funny how it’s the man who can’t regulate his emotions and override his exhaustion and just leaves. How selfish. You have every right to be angry and to feel upset. Unfortunately this behaviour doesn’t bode well for the future.

I assume he’s off to work now after his good night sleep in a hotel?
Have you heard from him?
So sorry OP

Sleep deprivation is awful and a newborn can be so difficult. I think during this period both sides need to practice tolerance and being able to let go snide or snappy comments.
However a joke about violence I don’t think is funny unless you regularly joke about that (me and my husband have an ongoing joke that we’ll push each other off the chair in moments of frustration - completely harmless)

what was the plan with him working abroad when you got pregnant? How were you intending to deal with this as a couple?

Oh the FB warrior, putting their life all over it. What will that achieve? You think that Claire from accounts that you worked with 15 years ago, is entitled to know all her business.

What dreadful advice.

Now is the time to call on your family - is your mum alive? If so i would give her a call, most mums would want to help in this situation. I also think you should let your midwife know that you are being abused, as thats what this is .

What you said isn’t spiteful. You’re one week pp for fuck’s sake. Your husband threatened to hit you.

He might be tired but he isn’t dealing with tiredness PLUS breastfeeding, C-section wound, and a catastrophic hormone drop.

He’s a cunt.

Does he need to work the next day?

OP I don't mean to scaremonger, but when my son was a baby, my ex had gone to bed and I needed help with something. I woke him up and he said he would headbutt me into silence, then tried to claim it was a joke.

I believed it was just a sleep deprived bad joke and he didn't mean it because he's never said such horrible things before. The next night, he choked me, stole my phone so I couldn't call the police and then threatened to kill us all.

He then denied remembering anything, said his mental health is in tatters, something must be wrong with him because he's no recollection of it etc.

I ended up leaving him, because the mask had slipped and no matter what he said it couldn't change what he had done. It really helped me when a friend I'd confided in asked the question "what do you think social services would say about that?"

I just want you to see this as a precautionary tale. Abuse often starts in pregnancy or shortly after, sometimes they wait until you've got multiple kids so you're well and truly trapped.

If you saw a therapist they would advise against couples therapy with someone who has shown abusive tendencies as they're often good at manipulating the situation, and you aren't responsible for changing him, but I 100% recommend getting therapy for yourself, women's aid might be able to point you in the right direction for that.

He will spin a yarn and tell you it was a joke in bad taste he's sorry, get over it, why do you never let it go, you're like a dog with a bone, all to escape accountability and blame you, but make no mistake he will escalate this if you don't put an end to it.

Nothing excuses a threat to hit anyone, let alone a recently delivered, healing, hormonal, exhausted new mother.

He’s probably on paternity leave anyway.

Lots have to deal with babies by themselves and those with send children may have to survive forever on 2 hours sleep. I made a mistake and didn’t put a mat under the baby and are snipping at hubby, that’ll b y he left u to it.

Tempers flare when you're sleep deprived. Walking off downstairs or into the garden to calm down is understandable.

Walking out all night to leave your partner struggling with post c-section mobility and pain and a newborn baby is not understandable or acceptable.

The "joke" comments are beyond unacceptable. Would he say those things to his mother or grandmother??

He needs to shape up or ship out.

I hope today is better for you OP and you manage to get a nap or two in.

How long will he be overseas ? If a year or so and you are safe don't kick him out, let him go OS whilst you recover, build a savings pot and buy everything you will need for year after he comes back. Then the week before he is due back tell him you want to end the relationship. He has shown you exactly what he is, believe him and start making plans for your new life without him.

having had 2 awful babies and sleep depravation to the point both me and my DH started hallucinating I absolutely wish we had employed an overnight nanny even if we would have had to stretched to have afforded it.

OP I don’t think your DH has behaved well at all. My DH went though the ringer with our babies, it was a stressful few years but we were always a team and we always had each others backs even when we were in the throws of severe reflux. I wish I knew what the solution is but do hire help to get you through the next few weeks to take the pressure off