Husband left me to care for baby at one week post c section

[Nunu90]

My husband and I are both very sleep deprived as our newborn is cluster feeding - to the extent that the last few nights we’ve been awake all night. We also have another DC aged 3.5.

We had words at about 11.00 last night (sleep deprivation) and he stormed out saying ‘deal with this yourself’, leaving me to care for our newborn all night on my own at one week post c-section. He would usually help me by offering to change nappies, grab pillows and then sleep while I breast feed.

Tonight I have had no sleep at all and the feeding has been relentless. As I have only just started getting some semi-decent mobility, I was changing newborn’s nappy on our bed and she wet all over the bed. I therefore had to change all the sheets and sort a new duvet out as well as deal with newborn crying and worry about our toddler waking up.

I understand we’re both sleep deprived so said some spiteful things, but AIBU (my tired state can’t decide if I am being rational) to think this behaviour is just unforgivable and next level spiteful?

@Looneytune253 how can you be so 'positive that he wouldn't have done this' - become violent? The most dangerous times for women for DV is when they are pregnant, when they have newborns and when they try and leave a relationship.

The OP does not even know if she ought to be upset at this behaviour (and is seeking advice for the same) which is telling in itself.

I can't get beyond a grown man making a huge fuss about a week old baby spitting up, which is what appears to have started this. That's the reddest flag for me.

How many times has he said, after a feed op, "OK go to bed love, I'll put the baby in the pram and walk the toddler to the park". Try and get a couple of hours sleep?

Where will he have spent the night if he's completely shattered? Somehow I don't think he'll have booked himself into a Premier Inn.

That's all apart from the fact he said "I'll knock you into next week". A shocking thing to think, worse to articulate and once articulated probably not far from reality.

Personally, I think younare better off on yiur own as a single parent. It will be easier than living with an unkind man abusive bastard.

I think @Scottishgirl85 has put the most sensible post here. Things get very heated and emotional when sleep deprived and hormones running amok.
I think apologies and a sensible adult conversation is called for when the baby is finally asleep.
DH could not assist me much when my twins were babies (also C section) with 2 other young children due to work commitments but he did pay for a nanny to come and help me a couple of days a week. We were/ are not wealthy but practically it helped me so much, is this possible OP?

Do you have any family/friends to help? A nanny ?

If you think OP is a troll, report the thread. Don't hurl horrible insults at a an already distressed newly post-partum mother with an obviously abusive husband.

Sleep deprivation is absolutely awful. I hope he looks after you today OP

Considering that one night with the baby is so impossible, why would she do that? It would be cutting off her nose to spite her face

A nanny?? What planet are you living on! Do people really live like that outside of Victorian children’s books?

This sounds like my ex husband who did similar a couple of times. He couldn’t hack being a father, so in the end left for a younger model with no kids! Not saying that will happen to you. But I entirely sympathise at how bloody hard it is. Newborns are hard enough, without a partner that can’t step up. I think you both need to have a sit down chat later and gauge his reaction from this chat. You (and the kids!) deserve better, sleep deprived or not! Gentle hugs and strong wishes your way.

This is level headed.

He was totally wrong in what he said, absolutely. He needs to apologise unreservedly. Only you know if this is a pattern of behaviour or something totally out of character because the sleep deprivation has got full grip. He may have said it and it’s vile thing to say, but you should know if he’s likely to escalate?

You’re both exhausted, you’re in pain and even more exhausted. So, today, hopefully you can talk and work out some sleep times for each.

Don’t both be awake all night, you’ve got to take shifts, otherwise it’s going to just not work.

These weeks are tough, but you will get through them.

No it’s 2025 and they’re easily available and a great idea!

www.childcare.co.uk/find/Nannies/Overnight

He made a hurtful comment to you and when you objected/responded, he told you don’t start or he’ll knock you into next week?

Not only can this prick dish it out but can’t take it, he is also using your vulnerability and his male strength as a threat against you.

I would also ask a family member to come and help you and tell H not to come home whilst you process what he said.

Because it’s much easier to deal with the baby when you’re not also dealing with a man child threatening violence at you.

This.
My husband displayed this very same nature (having not shown anything like that before) after our son was born, he’s now 7 months old and he is still very much not listening to how his behaviour makes me feel. We are currently separated as a result, I cannot see past the resentment now. From listening to others experiences it’s unfortunately common.

Easily available for those with tonnes of cash. Mumsnet yet again proving it lives in a different tax bracket than I do!!

Who the fuck are the 16% of people who think the OP is being unreasonable?!

I'm so sorry, @Nunu90, there's no way I could come back from this. The relationship would be over.

He is out of order.

Neither of you are sleeping at all. You have another child to care for. Neither of you are coping.

You both need to work out how you are both going to get some time to sleep.

The 3.5 year old must be having an awful time with knackered parents.

How are you going to manage on your own next week, post CS, newborn and 3, 5 year old? How are you going to take this child to nursery, out to the park? How are you all going to eat, sleep, manage all personal care for you and DC’s, in your own.

Time for some emergency last minute planning.

Sorry you said you didn’t think they were available? It wasn’t Victorian children’s books?

Lots of people live in different tax brackets, but the option is there. Which if OP can afford, may be a good idea.

Your husband has been through the newborn stage before, this isn't your first baby. All babies puke up their milk (regardless if breast or bottle fed) etc. It's normal newborn behaviour. It sounds as if cross words were said on both sides, but what your husband said to you is dreadful. No one should ever threaten violence, there's no excuse for it. If you were having cross words, then saying he meant it as a 'joke' is ridiculous. At that point no one was laughing. He said it, realised how awful it was and tried to minimise it by dressing it up as a 'joke'. Walking away after an argument is one thing, walking away and staying away all night is quite another, in this situation.

You say you don’t get any family help. Now’s the time to ask for it though. I’m not talking long term, I mean someone to come and support you through this shitty time. Who can you send a WhatsApp message to right now? Say you really need them to come over.

You’re not being unreasonable, but beware it won’t ever change. I looked after both my sons - DH slept in other room and never had a disrupted night, even when I was working and he was “between jobs” for months. Never changes if it starts like this, frankly.

The situation sounds awful OP. Your DH sounds like he was at breaking point as were you. Perhaps trying to plan a better copping strategy such as sleeping in different rooms if you have them. I have fond and not so fond memories of having children exactly the same age gap and me post CS. My DH got no paternity leave and had a long motorway commute to work. The day he fell asleep at the wheel was the day I decided no more and started to do it all myself. This was about 2 weeks into bringing baby home. It was undeniably tough but I gritted my teeth and manged with naps through the day when baby was asleep. The housework took a back seat. This was tough as I can't stand clutter or mess but it worked.

He was completely out of order.
However there is a reason they use sleep deprivation as torture.
One of you needs to sleep, taking it in turns to be up.
Is there any funds you have for some help, a doula or night nanny, or nanny in the day eho can hold baby while you sleep? Or anyone atball in your family you can beg to come and and help for a few days?
The sleep deprivation almost broke our relationship too.

Your first post suggests you think it might be your fault for making a spiteful comment.

He made a hurtful "joke", then threatened to hit you when you were upset by that joke. Your comment wasn't spiteful, and was not as bad as his behaviour.

He then left you to struggle alone, when you are still recovering and in pain. This seems like punishment for your comment.

He sounds pretty nasty. Is this really just sleep deprivation (and bear in mind your sleep deprivation is much worse than his)? Has he ever "punished" you before? Does he make out that you are to blame for his conduct?

I think you both need to reset today- the new born weeks are tough , especially having had a c-section. Emotions run high and things are said that aren’t meant.
Have you spoken to him this morning? I think you need to explain how it made you feel, he can explain how he feels then you both need to reset and work together.