AIBU- I don’t want to “spoil” my kids

[Magicboobies]

I know this is a very privileged problem to have but here goes…I’m terrified my partners spending and buying all the time is going to make my kids entitled.

I grew up with parents constantly budgeting etc and have always been frugal. Me and my siblings were always looked after fine as kids but may not have had top spec toys etc. I have been with my partner 11 years, we met at university and I had next to no spare money whilst studying and working. DH was supported well financially by his family through his studies, but I didn’t realise how much they gave him till after we were married. We both have moderate incomes in same profession and are very fortunate that my in laws have gifted my DH a lot of money along the way including the giving DH the money for our mortgage recently.

Since having children I’ve realised whilst DH grew up he was just given anything he wanted, none of this saving up or no you can’t have all those toys for Christmas , anything that was mentioned was bought. He has started doing similar. We have discussed it many times - I’ve said the kids don’t need all these things. Constantly clearing out, giving to charity shops etc. (which is a whole different saga, MIL stated recently something about how giving to charity not saving it for your own kids / grandkids is ridiculous). Latest is , I’ve just started teaching the 5 year old piano. DH asked me if he can buy him a guitar. I said why dont we focus on the piano we have just started , see how he gets on in the next year, if he’s into music maybe. DH seemed to agree with this. Next week a guitar arrives in the post. Despite DH having multiple guitars himself both here and at his parents house. When I question him on this he’s like why can’t I buy him one if I want to I’m excited about it and he will be too, don’t punish him because you didn’t have as much growing up.

In laws seem to have kept EVERY toy from DHs childhood and gift them to kids whenever we visit. I’m shocked at how she still able to bring more from the loft each time (and why she has kept everything, like lots of it is c.r.a.p fake gemstones from a trip to a theme park. )

Personally I don’t think it does kids any harm to have to save up for something, to want something and not be able straight away to have multiple versions of the same toy. I know we have the means to do it but it seems wasteful and silly to me, maybe because of my upbringing. I’ve tried discussing with DH how spending time is much more valuable then he seems to get himself excited whenever some new venture is started.

I could have written almost every bit of this - it’s a bit spooky! Same financial backgrounds, same MIL bringing every last childhood toy out, same reaction to getting rid of anything… Same arguments between husband and I about not just endlessly buying stuff for the children!

Obviously, I agree with you. I try and view it as a positive that my husband is excited to spend money on the children and buy things that they would love. But I’m continually negotiating with him about it. I really worry about spoiling the children, and I also just think thst endless piles of “stuff” is so wasteful - it really makes me feel sick. I think he understands my point but sometimes can’t help himself as it’s how he was brought up.

Similarly, my MIL can’t resist buying them clothes (they have plenty!) and plastic tat (ditto) and I so wish she wouldn’t do it. I don’t agree with the children having so many gifts, I feel guilty about the overconsumption and the money spent when it could be saved for their future. I don’t think we will ever make the other understand our point of view though.

I would feel just like you. If your kids are like mine (or like me too!) then too much stuff is actually overwhelming and everything is less fun to play with. I see this with mine, who have lots of stuff despite my best efforts - when it comes to playing there are too many options and they just can’t be happy with what they choose. When we go to places with fewer options (say a holiday home or my parents’ house) they are actually more entertained for longer, or they’re forced to be more inventive with the games, which I like to see.
I don’t have a solution though!

from the one DH example you gave I think you are being unreasonable.
he obviously likes guitars if he has several and he’s right why can’t he buy him one if he wants to and is excited about it?

Why do you get to decide what happens though? I presume meeting somewhere in the middle seems more reasonable

Also in my experience I don’t see a correlation between ‘spoilt’ kids and having well off parents who are able to give them lots of toys.
it’s much more a problem of bad parenting, being allowed to do whatever they want and get away with being rude and disrespectful.

It sounds as though you think your husband was spoilt as a child though, but presumably you think he turned out ok?

Neither of you is right or wrong, it’s just different approach. I agree with a PP, it’s not about the amount of stuff they have, it’s how you parent them and the values you instill.

I'm on the fence. DH grew up poor and had very thrifty mean parents. I grew up with everything including a pony.

Fortunately DH and I have similar attitudes to money (chardonnay tastes/champagne money). However, I think the penny pinching sucked the joy from DH's childhood and whilst he is generous spirited he can be a bit possessive about possessions. His sisters, however, can be a bit grabby, greedy and bitter. Not traits that our children have.

DH was never minded to buy stuff but signed the school trip slips before the DC asked if he saw them because he never gave the slips to his parents because he knew what the answer would be. He also never hesitated to buy the best cricket bat, flute, etc.

It makes me very happy to give a gift, DH doesn't have that to him because he never experienced it and his parents positively resented it.

Our DC had what they wanted within reason. They also had a few hard no's. For example dd was not allowed the Bratz dolls and I said no to guinea pigs.

I think there's a middle way @Magicboobies

This is interesting thank you giving me some perspective :)

I mean no I currently don’t get to decide, it just gets bought anyway and goes to waste or not looked after.
In answer to why do you get decide, I think as their parent I should have input into it, and as the person who ends up tidying and sorting the crap I should be allowed a say in it ? For the guitar example I wish he’d said to me when we’re discussing it, no this is something I really want to do (and put time aside to play it with the child instead of it just sitting there used for 5 mins) rather than seeming like he agreed with me and just buying it anyway .

Yes I guess I do think he was. He has many great qualities, but he cannot understand for example my brother having to do overtime to pay his mortgage and he literally won’t get it .

thank you all for your responses giving me perspective

I agree with this. Our children have always been given a lot but have never had a bad attitude about it. It’s much more to do with how they’re parented in other ways imo. Our children have always been very appreciative, kind and mindful of others that don’t have as much.

Being spoilt is a character trait and not automatically to do with having many possessions. It's the parenting that matters. Gratuitously denying something to a child just to learn 'em is odd.

Ask yourself this OP, if you want something, do you get it?

YABU. If you afford for the kids to get it, you should get it.

False "poverty" forced on them won't teach them anything. It's just unfair, when you're not actually struggling for cash.

You can get them things with the money you have as well as teach then to be good people.

This whole, "living in scarcity and struggling for money is morally good" stuff is just bullshit fed to the poor to make them more satisfied with being poor, and so more compliant and less likely to revolt . It's not actually any better to have to save for the stuff you want.

There is no reason your kids should have less than you can afford just based on principle of it. Just because you had a bad time doesn't mean they have to too, it's not better.

Ok , gifting children plenty of “stuff “does not effectively spoil them, it’s their attitude and perception of how they receive them and how much gratitude they have for them . That has to be instilled by the parents . As long as they appreciate, look after them and tidy up after themselves, then that’s fine in my book .

Hmm I disagree with PP. My parents had average money and they taught siblings and I to budget and save for what we wanted rather than being handed it. This definitely made us appreciate things more, take better care of things and be very motivated and self-sufficient as adults.

I remember one big toy we wanted, my parents made us save our pocket money and pay half the cost. We felt so proud when we achieved it and bloody loved that toy. Honestly used it every day for about 5 years and then on and off for another 5. We’re also more professionally successful than our friends who were given what they wanted, as we understood from a young age you need to work towards your goals and earn things for yourself, rather than expecting to be handed things on a plate.

Those levels of impulsivity and waste would really bother me.

It’s a tricky one and financial stuff can be very triggering. For me I really struggle to buy clothes and anything that would be considered frivolous for myself and certainly I can see it comes from my childhood.

I worry about waste / being spoilt and I can see how I feel upset when the DC aren’t grateful (why should they be?!) for things that are normal purchases / experiences - as if I was not seen to be grateful as a child it would have been an issue

Can you speak to your DH - perhaps if you value financial security / savings whether you could redirect some of the spending on the DC here and now could go to savings for the future or special days?

My DH is fine buying stuff but really struggles with paying for experiences and holidays so we each have our own thing we are carrying

Were a bit the same, except my partner wasn't brought up with a lot, but I think he's gone the opposite way to I have and thinks I want to do better than what we had. But I do agree with you, my worry isn't about spoiling kids but more about teaching them the meaning of money, I say to partner what if one day something happens and we can't afford to buy all these nice things?

So wasteful buying unwanted Stuff. And DCs don’t get the thrill of birthdays and Xmas because they get everything anyway. DH is getting the thrill of buying the stuff rather than the DCs.
I don’t know how old DCs are but my DGCs sell toys on Fb on the local for sale threads. They get the money to spend -perhaps your DCs could do that and give some money to an animal rescue charity or similar if they’d enjoy that.

I think your concerns are genuine. Clutter can impact on children's ability to concentrate and learn to be creative. And materialism in young people can lead to depression, anxiety and later an unwillingness to work for the things they think they should have.

I don't know how you can change your DH though. I suppose if he had this lifestyle and turned out well enough that you wanted to marry him, it can't have been so bad. I'd still be concerned that your kids develop this need for things and then don't have rich parents like your DH does to then pay the mortgage etc.

To be honest I never want a lot. I occasionally replace any of my worn clothing. I have no time for hobbies between work and the kids. I buy the family’s food shopping and any trips out mostly, so yes I do buy what I want, but I’m not wasteful.
It feels so wasteful getting them things they’ll use for 5 mins 😭

I’m with you. My children have everything they need but not everything they want. I happily spend money on experiences that we can all enjoy (Lego Land etc) but I’m not just buying endless crap (I’m talking to you My Little Pony magazine!). I find opportunities to treat my children to things durning the year (e.g. a Lego set at the beginning of the school holidays) but not all the time. They can have an ice cream at a theme park, not tat from the gift shop. If they want random toys, they have small amounts of birthday/Christmas money they can spend. They are happy enough with this.

We are lucky enough to be able to just buy things. DH did just buy DD a guitar when she had just started lessons on another instrument. However he took her to the shop, chose it together, discussed the price/worth (this one is more expensive but better, we need to look after it). We try to take this approach in general - we will buy things but consider the value of them to us. So if it's something we expect to use a lot then fine. If it's a soft toy you have fallen head over heels in love with then ok on occasion (once a year or so!). If it's plastic tat that will break or you will have forgotten about in 5 mins then no.

I would struggle with the waste aspect of this, plus the clutter. PIL like to buy stuff on impulse. Some is decent, some is OK, some is rubbish. All needs storing and getting rid of. Thankfully DH hates clutter, so doesn't do this!

I think there is a middle way here, OP.

Of course you don't want a load of pointless clutter, and it's good for kids to sometimes have to save up for something or deal with a bit of disappointment. Waste is also an issue from an environmental perspective.

But I don't think having loads of stuff is what makes kids spoilt or entitled - that's more down to parenting and how they are taught to look at things. Presumably you liked your DH enough to marry him and have kids with him, so he obviously turned out OK despite the generosity of his parents. I also don't see the point in living as if you're poor when you're not - there is no particular virtue in denying your kids things that you could easily afford to give them.

My DH grew up very poor. My own family certainly weren't rich but we were very privileged by comparison. Comparing his extended family to mine, I think his tend to be much more materialistic than mine. I think this is probably because they grew up with so much scarcity while we had everything that we needed and lots of what we wanted.

Well I disagree about the guitar, if he has multiple guitars himself I assume it’s a hobby, he will understandably be excited to share that with his child, seems unnecessarily mean and controlling to tell him when he can introduce a guitar to them.