To feel upset to be told my DS doesn’t ‘stretch’ another child socially…

[GalaxyGone]

DS has a best friend. They both have SEN. My son is very quiet and reserved. He has a speech delay. He is otherwise academically on track, is very happy and is emotionally pretty resilient.

His best friend is very verbal and likes to lead the play. She struggles more with emotional situations and can become easily upset.
The question has come up this year as to whether they should remain in the same class or move classes.

The Mum has spoken to SLT stating that she believes my DS doesn’t ‘stretch’ her DD in terms of language/play. However the Mum came to the conclusion that she believes they should stay in the same class.
I don’t feel comfortable about the suggestion that my son ‘doesn’t stretch’. I would never suggest that the friend doesn’t ‘stretch’ in terms of emotional resilience. I see it more that they support each other in these areas.
More recently on play dates, I see more that DS is being quite controlled in terms of what he can/can’t do. E.g - if he ‘wins’ at a game - his friend gets upset, or if he is ‘told off’ if he ‘looks at her’ if she is upset.

I really don’t know what to do. In many ways the friendship is very special - but I’m beginning to feel like DS is almost a ‘pawn’ to be moved around to suit another person?
AIBU??

Let the friendship evolve naturally on its own at school and go with it. If you don’t think the play dates are working for your ds, stop doing them.

The other mum probably just means that’s he wants her child exposed to as much conversation as possible to develop her language skills, it’s not negative about your ds.

I’d say you don’t know exactly what was said and it what context if this is being relayed to you and so I wouldn’t fixate on it too much as it might not convey what was meant, especially if she is happy for them to stay together.

I’ve no actual advice but wtf is the woman talking about, not “stretching” her dc!? I’m not sure that’s the purpose of a friendship really. I’d be tempted to keep your dc away from the child. It won’t be long before the child starts parroting their mum.

So maybe get the child some help rather than appearing to police friendships on the basis of the educational output?

Oh that's hard to hear, but it was out of context. She was probably asked very specific things, things she never normally thinks about, and gave answers.

There would probably be something on that list of questions which would upset her, if you fed it back to her. If they asked you if your DS was ever scared of upsetting her DD orr if you ever felt she dominated the play.

The odd thing is she told you about it, only you can tell whether that's to make you feel grateful to her for choosing to stay together or whether it's because she's close enough and comfortable enough with you that she knew you'd see it in context.

I see her point, to be honest, but as she’s clearly decided the friendship is more important than her child being ‘stretched’ verbally, I’m not sure it would bother me all that much.

I wonder if it was about having someone that would stand up to her?

I think it's good where possible for kids to play with a range of kids who play in a range of styles

It was good for my DS who played very physical to play with kids that were able to rough and tumble but also to play with kids who stood up to them and got them involved in other things. It wasn't good to just be out playing rough all the time.

Nothing wrong with those other kids, ds just needed to learn to sometimes play in other ways

I wonder if she's realised that her dc is often a bit bossy and thinks it would be good for the roles to switch ocassionally

I don't think the SLT should have told you about this confidential discussion!

Play dates are optional and intense so if you’re not happy then stop them. In school they have others to play with so maybe not playing one to one.

It is understandable it has rubbed you up the wrong way. I wouldn’t like that either!

DS is quite vulnerable, and always takes a back seat. It is really hard to hear the ‘doesn’t stretch’ being verbalised. Although I guess that’s what people do think and why they might not want to play with him.

It’s been said to me twice - face to face.
And then also said to SLT in a discussion over whether to keep them in the same class.

Thing is he is always happy, and never mean. He loves being involved with other people’s games.

This too.

Agreed! It's incredibly unprofessional that they have divulged this information to you. You didn't need to know and it's unfair you're holding these words against her when she's obviously just answering the specific questions she's been asked.

The Mum told me that she’d had this discussion with SLT. And that SLT had said that my child doesn’t stretch her child too.

I'd move my kid to the other class. Sounds like he is being controlled. Fuck her and her kid.

I don’t think about my daughter’s friendships in terms of whether they are ‘stretching’ her in any particular way - what a strange way to think! That’s not what friendship is for, and this mum sounds like she doesn’t really understand that and is in danger of alienating her daughter from a friendship that she very much needs (as all children do).

In many years of teaching (including in specialist SEN provision) I never really thought about friendship in terms of whether X was ‘stretching’ Y either - that’s the job of the teaching staff which can be done in a number of different ways including in pairing or grouping children in different combinations for different tasks. The idea of trying to interrupt a friendship or separate friends who are otherwise good for each other merely to provide the other with a bit more academic challenge is ridiculous.

The mum was incredibly insensitive to say this to you - it sounds like she thinks her daughter is the more able of the two and that in a perfect world she’d prefer a friend she perceives as being on the same level, but since that’s not available she’ll settle for what she’s got and continue to allow the friendship and allow them to stay in the same class. And that she thinks you should somehow be grateful about that. It shows a lack of tact and fundamentally a lack of understanding on the mother’s part - that she thinks because her daughter is more talkative that means she’s doing better overall.

Honestly I’d continue to support your son in any way you think would benefit him, including in this friendship, but maybe take a step back from the mum if you can.

If she brings this stuff up again the teacher in me wants to say it’s just her projecting her own insecurities and worries about her DD, and to just say, ‘that’s such a strange way to look at friendship, it’s not DS’s role to stretch your DD silly, that’s what the teachers are for! It’s lovely they are so close’.

The protective mum in me, if it was my DD she was talking about, wouldn’t be able to help saying something like ‘yes I had my concerns too if I’m honest, still I’m glad your DD can continue to benefit from being friends with someone like DS who is so calm and kind, he’s such a great example for her in terms of emotional regulation don't you think? I definitely agree with you that they’d both benefit from maybe widening their circle a bit too. Hopefully we can work on that next year’.

@AliasGrape

“The mum was incredibly insensitive to say this to you - it sounds like she thinks her daughter is the more able of the two and that in a perfect world she’d prefer a friend she perceives as being on the same level, but since that’s not available she’ll settle for what she’s got and continue to allow the friendship and allow them to stay in the same class. And that she thinks you should somehow be grateful about that. It shows a lack of tact and fundamentally a lack of understanding on the mother’s part - that she thinks because her daughter is more talkative that means she’s doing better overall.”

I think you’ve nailed it there. That’s the impression I get. And I get a vibe/sense of annoyance if DS ‘wins’ or is does well at something. It feels competitive - but only that DS will always back down, so his friend feels a sense of victory.

It’s incredibly important that DS feels like he is a strong, important person in his own right. Not that he is weak or incapable of ‘stretching’ another person.

That’s a great post. Thank you.

This. I would bet that this is a comment which has been lost in translation. Like others have said the mum may have been asked specific questions. Ultimately she should be able to voice her fears/worries to her kids teacher without it being repeated. It doesn't mean she sees your child as a negative influence overall, etc. School should not have repeated this to you.

Actually I'm assuming school told you. Did they? Or did she tell you that's what she said?

edited - i really should read the whole thread first. Why on earth did she tell you!!!!!

@MoominUnderWater

It came up in discussion last year as DS’s friend had been placed in a class away from two’ neurotypical friends’, but placed with my DS who has SEN. DS was/is her ‘best friend’.

I can see why the Mum would question this, but I do think it was insensitive to express her concerns about ‘not stretching’ to me.
The classes are being mixed again, so the Mum discussed again with SLT and fed back the discussion to me. Both Mum and SLT had stated the ‘non stretching’ concern. SLT wanted to split them, Mum has requested that they stay together.

In fact the second time the ‘not stretching’ was mentioned it was said in front of me and another Mum I’d only just met in a pub! I was quite mortified!

I feel sorry for the other DC. You don’t have friends to “stretch you” you have friends because you enjoy their company. I think the other Mum is spectacularly missing the point of friendship.

I hope the SLT was equally proactive in asking your opinion on the friendship.

It sounds like the girl is quite stifling to your DS and he has to modify his behaviour to pacify her. Never being able to win and enjoy it is not a remotely equal friendship.

Have you requested they be split up or agreed with her request that they be kept together?

I’m trying to think how to handle this going forward.
I want their friendship to continue, but I think I need to encourage more play dates.
If stretching etc is mentioned again, I think I need to challenge - and accept that this may upset the Mum, but I’ve got to stand up for DS.

You don’t know exactly what was said. Most likely the mum is worried about her child and trying to make things easier for her. It’s not your son’s responsibility to stretch other children so you can ignore that.

@ARichtGoodDram

I have a feeling that the school want to move them apart. I said I’d be happy to go with whatever they think is best - although it may be better to wait until DS is a bit older as security is important to him, and he is ultimately happy.

I think they may have gone along with any ‘stretching’ concerns mentioned by the other Mum, in case they do decide to split them. I think they will do it taking best interests of both children into account,