To feel upset to be told my DS doesn’t ‘stretch’ another child socially…

[GalaxyGone]

DS has a best friend. They both have SEN. My son is very quiet and reserved. He has a speech delay. He is otherwise academically on track, is very happy and is emotionally pretty resilient.

His best friend is very verbal and likes to lead the play. She struggles more with emotional situations and can become easily upset.
The question has come up this year as to whether they should remain in the same class or move classes.

The Mum has spoken to SLT stating that she believes my DS doesn’t ‘stretch’ her DD in terms of language/play. However the Mum came to the conclusion that she believes they should stay in the same class.
I don’t feel comfortable about the suggestion that my son ‘doesn’t stretch’. I would never suggest that the friend doesn’t ‘stretch’ in terms of emotional resilience. I see it more that they support each other in these areas.
More recently on play dates, I see more that DS is being quite controlled in terms of what he can/can’t do. E.g - if he ‘wins’ at a game - his friend gets upset, or if he is ‘told off’ if he ‘looks at her’ if she is upset.

I really don’t know what to do. In many ways the friendship is very special - but I’m beginning to feel like DS is almost a ‘pawn’ to be moved around to suit another person?
AIBU??

I think you are misunderstanding what I am saying. I am simply saying the OP shOuld remove the other mother from the equation when considering whether the friendship truly is or is not a good fit. Right now it sound like she might be overly inclined to separate the kids even if there’s really no major issue between them, just because the mother said something hurtful.

Not sure how you got that I think my kids should be centre of the universe!

It doesn’t matter. They are 6. Sadly the mother seems to come part & parcel of this friendship. It won’t do her son any favours.

I stand my my stance of separating them and letting him find his own friendship group. One where he doesn’t have to pander to anyone.
This friendship won’t exist in 5 years time. But the emotional and mental impact it will have is lasting.

He is at a very impressionable age.

Hearing a parent describe your child in terms of educational and social criteria- is harsh. A friendship scorecard of sorts. 'on balance, even though GlalxyGone junior doesn't yet meet the elastaboy criteria, another year together is the best option'....it would annoy me as it's said to me but from the other parents sole point of view and position of their child.

She is clumsy and lacks empathy. Is she always like this?

OP - do not stress. one of my colleagues had a son same time I had one. I put him in the work nursery and he said this would not stretch his son ho was obviously super bright so he kumond and montessori his son to hell.

Last year mine went to Harvard and his went to Cardiff. Both good places but it does make me smile just a little!

By all means teach your son to advocate for himself, but you may find their dynamic is entrenched now – it would certainly seem that way from the batshit mum's comments about "stretching". I mean, come on! It's not your son's role to be playtime cannon fodder for her DD.

As I said in my first post, it was so detrimental to my DD to have her continue to be friends with a child who kept telling her what to do and had no interest in letting DD be herself. She's so much happier since she broke away and made new friends.

Omg - when was it decided that children are meant to "stretch" each other, or that any child, and particularly one with SEN, has any responsibility for another child's development?
Let children who like each other play together and learn kindness and sociability in a nurtering space. Wtf is wrong with people?

I don't believe the SLT said this for a second, because a school would not expect one child to be responsible for another child's development. It's batshit bollocks, frankly.

Maybe it was meant as more a reflection of her own child and their challenges and needs, as opposed to a criticism of yours, altho it’s easy to see how you might take offence. The question was possibly about what she thinks her child needs to progress and how this may be achieved.

@SuperTrooper14

SLT have always been a bit dismissive/prickly about DS as they wanted to reject his placement at the school. But that’s another story! I think they might have stated or agreed about the ‘stretching’.

I just don’t want him to negatively affected - or feel those vibes of rejection, that he doesn’t stretch others, being put down etc He is so happy and easy going.

Last week he tried to comfort his friend when she was upset and was told ‘don’t look at me’ - so he meekly looked at the floor.
I can’t let this happen to him, just because he accepts it without a fuss.

That mum has been very thoughtless in her phrasing. I understand what she means is that she wants her daughter around other children who may help to develop her child's language skills. Thats not your child's purpose and its very upsetting to hear. Its hard for kids with SEN to build friendships and if the two children are happy with the relationship as it is then let them be. My son and nephew are both asd and very different from each other but with support have a lovely relationship. In terms of ability my nephew is far more advanced but that doesn't mean my son has nothing to offer. They are happy in each others company, look forward to seeing each other and they laugh a lot and thats all that matters.

From your last update Op, ask for them to be in different classes next year.

I agree with your broader points but your DS did the only thing he felt was right in the situation which was to look at the floor and not his friend, and I think that was right because she explicitly asked him not to look at her and he still stayed close in friendship. I think that was right and he should be praised for that. She’s allowed to ask him not to look at her when she is upset and he was great in respecting that.
I would be thinking very much about your DS’s strong points and verbalising these both to him and to anyone who goes on about him not ‘stretching’ people. He is offering other really important things.

@Talulahalula

Yes, that’s why I’m trying to see - and that was how I reacted. I removed myself and DS from the situation because I think we were overwhelming her daughter.
A toy has been dropped and lost. A member of staff had been asked to get the toy which just wasn’t possible, so there was annoyance towards the staff member from the Mum. Friend was very upset and blamed her Mum for the incident. Mum agreed to her DD that it was Mum’s fault (it wasn’t - it wasn’t anyone’s fault). It then felt as if DS was then also being - perhaps almost blamed?? for looking at her. The Mum didn’t interject by saying DS is trying to help.
It felt like a situation has got out of control, and the way to regain control was by finding someone to blame. I think despite any diagnosis, I would have called it an accident otherwise surely it just ends up ultimately confusing if blame needs to be apportioned in that situation??
Another play date this evening, but I think
I'm going to stand up for my views and values more. One being that the Mum doesn’t like the multicultural aspect of our school. I had an amazing meal cooked for me on Sat by a Mum that friend’s Mum has said pretty unpleasant things about - so I’m going to highlight how we fully support the multicultural aspect of our school.
If this causes fireworks, then I will just let this Mum friendship fizzle out and become less intense.