To feel upset to be told my DS doesn’t ‘stretch’ another child socially…

[GalaxyGone]

DS has a best friend. They both have SEN. My son is very quiet and reserved. He has a speech delay. He is otherwise academically on track, is very happy and is emotionally pretty resilient.

His best friend is very verbal and likes to lead the play. She struggles more with emotional situations and can become easily upset.
The question has come up this year as to whether they should remain in the same class or move classes.

The Mum has spoken to SLT stating that she believes my DS doesn’t ‘stretch’ her DD in terms of language/play. However the Mum came to the conclusion that she believes they should stay in the same class.
I don’t feel comfortable about the suggestion that my son ‘doesn’t stretch’. I would never suggest that the friend doesn’t ‘stretch’ in terms of emotional resilience. I see it more that they support each other in these areas.
More recently on play dates, I see more that DS is being quite controlled in terms of what he can/can’t do. E.g - if he ‘wins’ at a game - his friend gets upset, or if he is ‘told off’ if he ‘looks at her’ if she is upset.

I really don’t know what to do. In many ways the friendship is very special - but I’m beginning to feel like DS is almost a ‘pawn’ to be moved around to suit another person?
AIBU??

Personally I would ask for him to go into another class so that he doesn't need to "let her win" or "help her manage her emotions" when she can't handle losing. He may well do better finding his feet away from her and let her make new friends who she can push around and/or who "stretch" her.

Just be careful that you being the more easy going one doesn't lead to the other parent getting to dictate as and when things change (or not).

It's an easy trap to fall into.

There can still be play dates if they're not together in school. If it's a genuine friendship that will still happen.

Don’t stop play dates if they’re enriching for your child because the mum said something clumsy. If your kids enjoy each others friendship that’s all that matters, don’t overthink it

How old are the DC? Sorry if I’ve missed this.

But I’m inclined to agree with the poster who quite ruthlessly said fuck her and the other kid. You owe them nothing and your priorities lie with the wellbeing of your own child.

I’d have no hesitation in separating them. Let your DS find some new friends.

It is not up to your DS to 'stretch' her DD or any other child. He's not a learning opportunity. FFS. If the two children enjoy each other's company, the adults should back off. (unless of course one is teaching the other bad behaviour).

The little girl obviously enjoys being DS's friend and DS enjoys her company. Just leave them be and stop fretting over what some woman said that is irrelevant anyway.

Sounds like the mum just sees your child as a tool to support her child's development, which is awful. I'd be sad if I heard that said about my DC too (he's autistic and limited verbal communication). Putting it I'm perspective though it is the mum that is poorly reflected in this scenario, not your DC. It's awful that an adult would see another child this way.
If I was you I'd take your DC's lead on the friendship but would not be going above and beyond to maintain it.

I agree with this. It was a tactless thing to say, but it sounds like they have a nice friendship overall. I would leave things be (and come up with a sentence in your head in case she says it again).

This is awful. Take away her sons closest friend because the mother said something insensitive?! “Fuck her kid” when the kid apparently hasn’t done anything except fairly normal kid things?

Absolute overreacting controlling thin-skinned craziness

The mum is incredibly rude! Whatever i may think about DCs' friends i never ever verbalise that to the parent

If the other mum has said that she'd like the two children to stay together and you say you don't mind, they'll keep them together.

Have an honest think/discussion with partner if one around or friend. What's really in your child's interests? If he's up for getting involved in things, is good-natured and fun to be around, he will have no problem making other friends.

Not sure how old they are, but there's often a split towards the end of KS2 where the boys play more physical games and the girls chat at break. Not completely, they'll always be a few outliers (my ds was one), so possibly not a bad idea to anticipate that and encourage other friendships now.

Don't fall into thinking that at least he has a friend. He's worth much more than that (as you know).

She’s already pretty much said her DC has to pander to this other child’s emotional wellbeing.
I wouldn’t be happy with that burden being put on my child.

He should be free to make friendships that are uplifting to him. He is not there to ‘stretch’ another child.

ETA- knowing the age is a big factor in this for me.

I would hope that the school separates them. It will allow DS to spread his wings and not be dominated by a controlling emotional child .

Well this is a more balanced perspective. You seem to getting hung up on 'stretched'.

The school and the other mum are questioning if this is a healthy friendship or a little too enmeshed.
As you said the second has suggested that although both children complement each other by one dominant and one passive- is it a good dynamic for them to develop social skills ie stretch

Except that that’s not your ds role. Stretching is for the teachers and other adukts in his life.
The other children? Theyre there for friendship. Not to stretch him language wise etc….

Im 😵‍💫😵‍💫 that even the SLT said that tbh.

I have a feeling that the school want to move them apart

I’d be inclined to agree with them being separated tbh. Your son sounds lovely, you’ve described him as happy, never mean, loves joining in games, emotionally resilient.

I think the opportunity to make some new friends would be a good thing and from what you’ve described I think he would have no issues in this regard.

Meanwhile little miss domineering, controlling, “doesn’t like to lose” can be “stretched” by kids that aren’t so affable as your lovely son and won’t be pushed around and let her win every single time.

As someone whose child was the same as your DS when younger – quiet, sensitive and with a speech delay (she had a stammer and need speech therapy) – can I please beg you to let the batshit mum move her kid as far away from yours as possible? Because my DD had a friend just like her DD – bossy and controlling and constantly imposing her will on our child. We should've asked to separate them at school and stopped having playdates but we didn't, we actively encouraged the friendship in fact, because we got on with the parents. It ended up being massively detrimental to our DD because the girl ended up bullying her with a group of new friends. Thankfully DD is now a teen and no longer friends with the girl by choice, but I kick myself that I didn't protect her when I had the chance to.

Thanknyou for all your responses, I do feel really torn! This friendship is very important to them both.
I think it’s less controlling at school, and I’ve also had them alone where it’s actually been a lot easier!
The difficulty seems to come more from playdates with the Mum/daughter. The daughter shows v controlling behaviour towards the Mum, and the Mum tends to pander to it/never challenges.
My other DC has exams coming up, and I really will have to pull back on the play dates (it’s currently once a week).

You still haven’t said how old they are

@SuperTrooper14

Oh I’m sorry. That is making me think. On playdates DS rarely gets to choose what to play, and even if he does choose something - he’ll get told to stop and do a game of his friend’s choosing,

I’m due a play date tomorrow, and I think I’m just going to have to take charge more - and show DS that he can take charge.

In fact, I’m going to ask him where he wants to go tomorrow - because that never happens! We are always told where to go!

Sorry - they are 6.

Maybe your son will thrive more if he is given the opportunity to socialise with other children within the year group.
Sounds like this friendship whilst reassuring is holding or could hold him back from developing as an individual.
Maybe they should be in different classes 🤷‍♀️

The Op’s post is about the mother saying this “stretch” thing though, which is actually nothing to do with either child

Posters saying “fuck her and fuck her child” etc are clearly reacting based on largely what the mother said, which is a terrible basis for ending a friendship

If Op thinks the dynamic between the two friends is bad for her son then of course she should separate them, But this post was primarily about what the mother said, which is clearly colouring OPs view of the frIendship, when it’s truly neither here nor there

I wouldn’t even entertain this at the age of 6. Get them separated and let your DS find some other friendships .

The friendship will naturally fizzle out if they aren't compatible. I don't think you need to do anything. Other than quietly think this woman is not very nice.

I can only assume you are one of those mothers who assume everyone else is there to make your DC feel the centre of the universe.

They are not.

OP’s priorities should lie with the wellbeing of her child. This friendship doesn’t seem like a good fit for him. Therefore, I would separate them.