DH has left us on MH grounds

[Drowning8453]

DH has been having difficulty with his MH, I would say close on a year that I know of, but possibly a lot longer than that, things like anxiety and depressive moments. He gets very fixated on health issues and gets very very down about them. Once one thing is 'fixed' there will be another quite quickly. When he has a cold he gets very very down about it and starts to fixate and stress.

We have a 3 yr DS and we have lived together for around 5 years now in the home that I owned before we got together. I have asked many times for us to move in to own something together, but he has always either shut the conversation down, changed the subject or said no, it wasn't the right time and he would find it too stressful to move. I have found this really anxiety provoking myself, as everything felt so uncertain. So we have carried on as me being responsible for all the house maintenance and upkeep and him paying me rent each month to cover the bills. I do all of the housework and his 'jobs' have been to do the dishes and cook, plus some food shopping and some laundry which I also do. He will not clean and has no interest in any maintenance things, doesn't see them as his responsibility and thinks that it's my house or I won't like what he does so why do it.

I work 3.5 days a week and I do all of the nights with our DS, as DH is in his own room as we keep him awake and he needs his sleep.

Over the past 6 months, DH's MH has been getting progressively worse, he is constantly tired, doesn't enjoys days out or even want to go on them (which I organise) with DS, is miserable quite often or worrying about a health issue. Christmas day was spent worrying that he had something wrong with his neck. It has put a lot of stress and pressure on me as I feel like I have been trying to support him and also trying to keep things normal and nice for our son.

This has escalated in the last month when DH had a health scare. It was very worrying for us, and has since sent him into a complete spiral. He has been off work and I have been trying to be as supportive as I can. He felt that being alone with our son was too much for him and made him feel worse and stressed, but he was well enough to book an afternoon/lunch/walks with his friends and his hobby. So I have had to take on pretty much all childcare, on top of work and struggling to even get out for a walk on my own.

When I raised an issue with this, it was met with you are adding more stress onto me when I don't need it and walked away from the conversation. He has now left the house to go and stay with family, so that he can be as stress free as possible so he can get well, and doesn't know when/whether he will be able to come back saying that I'm putting too much pressure on him at home and his mental health isn't in the right place for any conversations like that. He has come to see DS for a few hours each weekend, but has said that pushed him too far and took it out of him. I'm alone with our DS, doing everything and trying to keep things as stable as possible while I feel he has simply checked out.

OP I think it’s time to really consider what you want going forwards with this man. Of course NH problems are difficult to deal with & be able to function in the world. It seems like his are preventing him from functioning well & the dress & demands of parenting & being a fully fledged adult are too much for him. Was he ever a fully engaged supportive & involved partner & parent? Or have you been carrying bcos of his MH problems? When were you truly happy with the relationship? If he’s always been vulnerable to health anxiety @ depression then he has to learn ways to manage this which don’t give him a complete out from his adult responsibilities of life. It may be that in fact he is not able to do that. It may cost your relationship in the process. It’s hard not to want to stand by your partner & support them with recovering from MH difficulties. But there comes a point by which enough is enough. Only you will know when or if that pint has been reached.
His difficulties aside, his willingness to blame you for his difficulties, lack of contribution generally or willingness to embrace life & your shared goals are personality based & nothing to do with health anxiety or depression. Do you want /can you cope being saddled with that for your remaining life together? There is nothing wrong with realising that you are no longer compatible & that you do not want to parent your partner in order to have a relationship with them & that you want & need an equal.

Good riddance. I have all sorts of sympathy for people with mental health problems, myself included, but if they refuse to do anything about it, I have to put myself and my children first, finally.

I stayed with someone who was always more stressed and more tired and seemingly more important than me.....for much longer than I should have. When I came to the conclusion that he was never going to do anything on his own to improve his situation.....when I felt over and over though trying to support him through crises and taking over everything again and again, as though I was dealing with a recalcitrant child and felt like his mother not his wife, I called it. Not growing old with someone who drags me down and makes me miserable.

I am much better off now. As are our children. Good luck to you.

Oh yes, I see he's blaming you as well. Mine did, too. I would not accept the blame if I were you.

It doesn't sound like this is entirely new. He's had problems for a long time and you say he's going to therapy and taking ADs only now - he hasn't been willing to do anything to help himself before.

I'd work on the basis that it will take a long time to see any change, and that's only if he sticks with it.

He's making everything your fault. Look at DARVO; deny, attack, reverse victim and offender.

My recommendation would be to build yourself and DS your best life - without him. And be strong enough to say he can only come back when he's had a complete personality transplant. His negativity and verbal aggression are dragging you down, you'll feel much lighter if you let him go.

Maybe he'll be like an addict who has to hit rock bottom before they can change. But I wouldn't count on it.

This. Very well said, Gustavo77.
Most of the prior responses are just awful. The OP's position is not a soap opera, which necessarily requires a dramatic, quick outcome.

Please don’t stay with this man. I’ve been the partner who has literally had to drag their other half through life whilst holding down the family fort and taking care of everything else whilst they focused on their mental health.

it’s draining and you physically can’t do it for a prolonged amount of time.

the only reason I’m still with dh now is that whilst I was genuinely carrying us all, he was actively seeking help, doing therapy and taking medication to get himself better, and he was doing this because he wanted to be better, not because I forced him. His breakdown was triggered by an event and he had PTSD.

so whilst it’s similar circumstances there’s a few differences too, and I just don’t think your dh is ever going to change and contribute anything positive to your life or your child’s

Of course he did

Mental health issues are one thing. Holding you entirely responsible for them is another.

If he was previously a fully committed husband and father then yes, recovery time would be reasonable.

But his attitude to the house and letting you crack on with all the maintenance is poor and doesn't suggest he's ever really pulled his weight in the relationship. You have all the mental load and are just expected to cope.

How can you “cause” a health scare? Does he know what a scare means?

And to build on this, imagine the horror if a mother was behaving how the H is behaving?

My god, she’d be absolutely lynched because it would be considered inhuman and monstrous. He does it? It’s excused.

There is a logic in avoiding people whose poor MH drags you down with them and who show zero concern for your wellbeing.

It's called self preservation and you may find it selfish but it's definitely logical.

YANBU - unless you take him back!

I have had anxiety and depression on and off for years - and have never, and would never, behave like this tool. How dare he blame you for his mental health problems.

Have his family said anything, or offered to have your child for some time?

His MH issues will never be ‘fixed’. It doesn’t work like that. He needs to work on ways of managing his condition so that at best he can fully engage in family life, and at worst ensure he doesn’t negatively impact his children.

Agree with you, Twiglets. And I’m trotting out what they need to teach in schools:

It’s not the job of women to fix men.

Move on op, life can be better than this. You will provide a better family life for your ds single handed and one day you'll meet an equal partner who makes you happy 😊

He could have your child he is making excuses and having an easy life, his mum could help out . Absolutely taking the Mick.

Gosh he sounds insufferable

To give you the adult child’s perspective of a parent who constantly puts their own feelings above their child’s well-being- I’ve just had my elderly Dad on the phone telling me that he’s been feeling suicidal (yet again) and what he was planning to do. But he’s feeling better now, apparently.

I’ve had years of this, as my Mum did before me. No sense of how it affects their partner and child, it’s all about them, you’re just there to blame and also support them!

That’s why I find it hard to be sympathetic with your DH, he’s being so self-centered.

Some men want a partner; some men want a mother. When the ones that want a mother are unwell or stressed they are insufferable. You got yourself another child - he loves you, but he’s only capable of taking.

Some women like this dynamic. Feeling needed, mother henning, being The Nurturer. And that’s all good. But if it’s not your jam - it’s a massive problem. It won’t get better. Whatever is wrong in his life, he’ll always expect other people to pander to it. His needs will always come first.

Let him stay with his mother. She’s one of the people that will happily love him in exactly the way he wants to be loved.

Go find yourself a partner and a different sort of role model for your son. Not better, or to replace his Dad. No one can or should do that. But just to show him a different flavour of manhood that gives as well as takes.

just get rid of this man child. he add nothing to your life and you are already doing it alone with DS. You are in a better position than most: he left rather than. you trying to evict him and the house is yours. Change the locks and if he wants to see DS, he can do it an his mummy's.

With the greatest respect, I don’t think you understand what i mean by the term ‘logic’. I mean it in the sense of 2+2=4, which kindly has not been demonstrated by your sentiment of supporting the OP without understanding the bigger picture.

Based on your update, it’s time to split with him. He’s saying that you make him ill- whether it’s true or not, you have no future with him. Either you’re not good as a couple or he’s nasty and using you as an excuse. Does he smoke cannabis by any chance ?

I know it’s not fair that he’s abandoned his responsibilities towards ds but men get to do this when your split. How only legal obligation is to pay Child Maintenance and there is no requirement that he sees his son. Society wouldn’t treat you the same if you did what he did but good luck being Ds’ stability and giving him a happy life. 💐

This x1000

OP I really hope this thread is helping you to wake up and smell the coffee.

He is not ever going to be the person you want him to be.

Please take some time to make your peace with that and then make the decision to protect your own future, and your child's.

You were "putting pressure" on him to be a normal father and partner. If you accept this argument then everything is your fault. You can never ask for more than a paltry token financial contribution and zero domestic help.

It is 100% reasonable to expect better.

He wants you to cave in, accept your allotted role as new mummy and provider, then forever float around doing fuck all while you carry the load.

Please value yourself
Life is short and this is not a rehearsal.

He's projecting and trying to make you feel guilty. Don't let it work!

My heart goes out to you, because you’ve been living in an awful situation. While your husband may have severe mental health issues, these are not caused by you and you are not responsible for his mental health, or his actions. He is.

It sounds like you’ve been looking after two dependents all this time and actually he is doing you a favour by putting some physical space between you.

He shouldn’t get to call the shots anymore. The danger is that he suddenly decides to move back in. It’s highly unlikely that he’ll return completely fixed and remorseful for what he has put you and your child through. Let yourself go through the grieving stages of losing someone and get as much support as you can during this time. Make plans to continue life without him, from a financial POV. Make sure you are moving on too, so that you’re not treading water in case he wants to return.