DH has left us on MH grounds

[Drowning8453]

DH has been having difficulty with his MH, I would say close on a year that I know of, but possibly a lot longer than that, things like anxiety and depressive moments. He gets very fixated on health issues and gets very very down about them. Once one thing is 'fixed' there will be another quite quickly. When he has a cold he gets very very down about it and starts to fixate and stress.

We have a 3 yr DS and we have lived together for around 5 years now in the home that I owned before we got together. I have asked many times for us to move in to own something together, but he has always either shut the conversation down, changed the subject or said no, it wasn't the right time and he would find it too stressful to move. I have found this really anxiety provoking myself, as everything felt so uncertain. So we have carried on as me being responsible for all the house maintenance and upkeep and him paying me rent each month to cover the bills. I do all of the housework and his 'jobs' have been to do the dishes and cook, plus some food shopping and some laundry which I also do. He will not clean and has no interest in any maintenance things, doesn't see them as his responsibility and thinks that it's my house or I won't like what he does so why do it.

I work 3.5 days a week and I do all of the nights with our DS, as DH is in his own room as we keep him awake and he needs his sleep.

Over the past 6 months, DH's MH has been getting progressively worse, he is constantly tired, doesn't enjoys days out or even want to go on them (which I organise) with DS, is miserable quite often or worrying about a health issue. Christmas day was spent worrying that he had something wrong with his neck. It has put a lot of stress and pressure on me as I feel like I have been trying to support him and also trying to keep things normal and nice for our son.

This has escalated in the last month when DH had a health scare. It was very worrying for us, and has since sent him into a complete spiral. He has been off work and I have been trying to be as supportive as I can. He felt that being alone with our son was too much for him and made him feel worse and stressed, but he was well enough to book an afternoon/lunch/walks with his friends and his hobby. So I have had to take on pretty much all childcare, on top of work and struggling to even get out for a walk on my own.

When I raised an issue with this, it was met with you are adding more stress onto me when I don't need it and walked away from the conversation. He has now left the house to go and stay with family, so that he can be as stress free as possible so he can get well, and doesn't know when/whether he will be able to come back saying that I'm putting too much pressure on him at home and his mental health isn't in the right place for any conversations like that. He has come to see DS for a few hours each weekend, but has said that pushed him too far and took it out of him. I'm alone with our DS, doing everything and trying to keep things as stable as possible while I feel he has simply checked out.

I spent nearly 25 years with a man like this; mentally unwell, self-pitying, half-hearted suicide attempts whenever i tried to stand up to him, never making any real effort to get well because he wouldn't be the centre of attention. Its not a marriage, it's not even a life. If you make him so utterly miserable, let him go quietly, and you and your child get on with your lives. You really don't need him.

Useless man. You’re well rid. Having mental health issues doesn’t give a fully grown adult the right to check out of the family life they CHOSE.

@Drowning8453

This, I’m sorry to say, is exactly how I feel after reading your OP.
You need a partner, not someone you have look after and have to mother and nurse.
Sending love. ❤️

God I feel for men, they can’t do anything right can they?
Everything that elicits support and approval in women is totally dismissed in men.
We live in a hypocritical and egotistical society.

This was me nearly three years ago. The only difference was that he owned the house (through inheritance) and we weren’t married. That’s when the mental health issues started. I did everything I possibly could to help him—whatever you can think of, I tried it.
It’s a long story, one I won’t derail your post with (we’d be here all night), but to cut it short: after spending 10 weeks in hospital, he came home and kicked me and our children out. Just like that. Left us with nothing—nowhere to go, nothing to fall back on. We were homeless for four months.
I was a shell of myself. He broke me down, wore us all down—me and our four children. He tore everything apart. And with no support from anyone, I didn’t even know where to start. But I pulled myself together and said, No. You will not destroy me.
Now, I’m moving forward. I’ve found my humour again, and most importantly, I’ve found me again. I’m starting university in September, determined to rewrite our story. That chapter will not define us.
As for him—he’s still miserable, still doing nothing to help himself, and nothing for our children. A complete letdown. I never imagined someone could be so cold and heartless. Mental health or not, there’s no excuse for what he did to us. You will get through this and find a way I promise.

The thing you need to bear in mind is that this will never get better. He is never going to parent his child. He is never going to be an equal partner. He will always choose his hobbies, friends and family comforts above you and your child. He will push you to work yourself into the ground with your paid job, all of the parenting responsibility and all of the household responsibilities.

As PPs have said:

Document / screenshot everything he has said about refusing to parent your child, and how it’s too much for him. If you divorce he will probably ask for 50/50 so he doesn’t pay CMS.

Get legal advice about a divorce urgently. Save any messages about him refusing to pay towards the house as it’s yours- this may affect any settlement and give you a chance of keeping the house with an affordable buyout.

I have suggested divorce to my husband as he is cold and resentful of my illness, and I find it difficult to do anything.
It must be incredibly tough for you,but I just wanted to put a word in for your DH - nobody wants to live through this hell. And it is hell.

But did you also blame your husband for your problems? Did you tell him that he was putting you under stress and it's all his fault?

It sounds from here as though - unlike you - the OP's H enjoys his state of mind. It allows him to blame someone else for his problems while having to put himself out not in the slightest.

Bahahahahaha.

ahem.

Bahahahahahahahahahaha.

But you’re battling. If you were hospitalised, you’d presumably sought help with your MH?

Well that's bullshit, isn't it.

Cool story bro

I’d be raising a glass and merrily wishing him on his way. He sounds like a self-obsessed child.

OP - this is important if you are married - get legal advice, and quickly.

he has left you. You are focussing on his health but he has left you, and as far as I can tell, the house is the only asset, which you’ve owned before marriage and you have a child. He might be talking to you about how unwell he is and it’s all your fault for putting him under pressure (read - expecting him to do the bare minimum of parenting and running a home), but he has left you and you don’t want to lose your house.

Is he paying you towards the bills still?

That may not matter, OP needs proper legal advice

The biggest motivator I have seen for people to get help with their mental health problems is so it does not negatively affect their child. Followed by worry about how they impact their spouse. Its true that anxiety can make people really introspective and almost have a blind spot about how their behaviour affects others. There are lots of concerning issues here, and the main one is his complete failure to take any responsibility here - that is not inevitable in MH issues so it does not look good. Being on your own can be scary, but this man is a constant drain on you all. You really will be better off without him.

No MH illness here but a physical one.

It’s awful when your partner just doesn’t cope with your illness (yes been there, done that and got the Tshirt).
It’s a particular flavour of hurt because the person who was supposed to support you (the ‘in health and in sickness’) is letting you down.

But the huge difference between the OP’s dh and you and me is that we’ve both taken responsibility for our health. We’ve sought support,seen doctors etc..
He hasn’t. He is acting like a chikd who is waiting if mummy yo tell him what to do. To tell him to get meds, to get counselling. There’s no respossibility there. And I know it’s hard when you’re depressed. I know it’s easy to miss you’re actually depressed. But Hes accepted he us. Hes seeing the doctor. If he wants to get out that hole, he needs to take some responsibility for his MH, not wait for someone to do it fir him.

I’m guessing you don’t agree then 🤭

True though sis!

Sorry but this sounds likes he’s taking the mickey.
Well enough to organise time with friends but not you or his child?

Unable to do any housework, doesn’t contribute financially.
You and your son are well rid. Change the locks and don’t let him anywhere near you

Op, unless there's some other huge backstory you've not shared, to say that to you is an appalling thing to do. Definitely don't let him come back. He's discovered he doesn't like being a grown up and has gone home to mummy so she can wrap him up in cottonwool. If she throws him out again, don't take him back.

You can do this. Not saying it will be easy, but it really sounds like you are better off without this millstone around your neck. 💐

OP, can i just ask a few questions about your relationship please? How long have you been together and are you actually married and if so how long for? I don't mean this disrespectfully but you do appear to have a strange set up for a committed couple, let alone a married couple.

When your partner moves in and its your house, I can sort of see that he may pay you rent as you want to see how it goes initially. Does he work?

But now you have a child together and are married and he still pays you rent? Other than buying food, does he contribute to bringing up your child and if he works full time and you work 3.5 days and do all the childcare, it would seem to me that as a couple...you haven't ever actually fully committed to your family. He didn't want to buy a house with you, he won't maintain the house (your family home) and he is blaming you for his MH issues.

Someone who is serious about a relationship, particularly when there is a child involved, should put that childs needs above their own, as you clearly do. Yet he hasn't sought or committed to getting help UNTIL he went back to mums? And doesn't mum think this is strange, have you got a good relationship with her? Are they acknowledging that you have literally been left holding the baby?

Forgive me, but unless there is a back story to this, this relationship doesn't appear to have the stamp of a long term commitment other than the addition of a child.

Now if he had been talking to you about his depression, and getting help and realised he was negatively affecting your well being and that of the child, I can quite see why he might want some time away to get his head in order, but from what you have said, he appears to be blaming you for his MH issues and he has done a runner. So if he genuinely believes you are the problem.... he would be asking YOU to get the help? And he is nicely creating a picture that you are the issue not him....but then if he and his family really believed that, one would hope that they wouldn't leave HIS child in your care.

I'm sorry OP but I'm not sure he has ever fully committed to you and his child, emotionally and certainly not financially. He has absolved himself of any financial and familial responsibility. Now if this was a recent relationship I could maybe get it, but you have made the biggest commitment going...a child and are married yet you live together as if he is a tenant? He even sleeps in a different bedroom, child or no, that is not a normal committed relationship. Sorry but there is more of a problem than his MH here.

Rip the bandaid off. This is not going to get easier sadly. But get some legal advice so that you keep your home. The sooner you do that the less you’re likely to lose.

I agree with a pp who said rather than checking out he hasn't actually ever checked in. If he's trying to articulate that he can't cope with responsibility then it's best that you leave him to it. I think you may find it less stressful than him being at home. Yes you have sole responsibility for a child, millions of women do it and you can do it to. Can you afford four days a week in nursery or childcare so you get half a day to yourself?