I think I'm potentially a lost cause

[Isitameproblem]

Super quick context, for the past 15 years I've lived a fairly isolated life, probably the last 14 have been much worse because I've worked remotely.

I've ttied to socialise and put myself out there but over the years it has never really come to much. If anything what I miss is the talking to someone in person who isn't my DH. For the same reason, I think I've never really assimilated really well, and I've never felt like I belong anywhere.

My only two real friends are back in my birth country and I rarely see them. One of them is visiting me for a week. But honestly I've found that I get way TOO intense and I don't know if it's the concept of having someone around who's not my DH, or actually having someone to talk to.

I can see it's not good, but I don't know how to improve in that sense.

BTW I've learned to live in my "loneliness" I know that people won't necessarily get me, and that what I would want to talk about is not necessarily of their interest, so I'm totally ok with that now. At least I have a mum I talk to on a very regular basis, and she's like my "water cooler" chat.

All I've been telling her is that not having someone to share your ups and downs is kind of sad, and that sometimes you just want to have a good cry with someone, but again I'm kind of used to it by now. What I yearn is day to day interaction, because you'd normally get that from work and I obviously I don't get it. But again realising at least I get that now, I think I'll probably get my "fix " that way.

Sorry I'm rambling and thanks for reading

You don’t mention the possibility of changing work?

your dh… does he talk to others?

do you ever socialise with your DH?

Is it possible to change your job so that you go into the office, at least sometimes?

Oh I was on your other thread

any joy re your redundancy and asking for the laptop and mobile?

I talk to the people at work sure, but it's always over slack/zoom.

My DH gets to talk to his colleagues (5 of them) on a daily basis as he works on site, but we basically never socialise with them.

We sometimes socialise with other 2 couples, but it's always on a somewhat superficial level. Like I wouldn't tell either of those ladies my darkest secrets.

You have children…. Any friends developed as a result of them?

They said no, but they did consider it because it might have somewhat cost effective to let me keep them.

Yes we did all tell you they’d say no op

did you manage to stay longer? Or have you now left?

Nope, none. Chit -chatters sure, but it never really got to anything. With my DD they found it odd I would be "happy" to leave her for weeks while away on work trips. I did go out a few times, even hosted but nothing long term.

How old are your children now?

15 and 5

So loads of op now with the 5 year old in forging some relationships, especially if you’re currently looking for work

The irony is that I find fellow mothers boring.

Again huge generalisation, but I'm a fairly detached and mostly career driven (and that's what I mostly like to talk about!) I end up not finding good enough common ground.

My "water cooler" friend is a good balance because I tangentially met her through work, so she's absolutely aware of that and our DC (the 5yo) have grown together.

I know she'll never go beyond our longish chit chats during school runs, but at the same time I'm totally OK with that.

The irony is that I find fellow mothers boring.

bingo!

alongside your other thread I was on, and this gem too… the reason behind your situation is screamingly apparent

it is a you problem

From what you say about yourself, you have had so little interaction with people other than your husband and mother for the past decade and a half that when you do get some, you lurch far too quickly from ‘hello’ into intense oversharing, which is offputting. Telling someone you occasionally socialise with your ‘darkest secrets’ is not endearing. That comes after a certain degree of friendship.

I think you just need practice at being around acquaintances on a regular basis to find a social mode with them. Some may, in time, become friends you can confide in, but you need to give it time. With a five year old at school, lots of opportunities there to encounter new people, find a way of being around them without spilling your guts immediately.

Sorry posted on wrong chat. Please can it be moved

Oh, and you definitely need to get over your lazy, anrrigant attitude to ‘fellow mothers’. You’re a mother. They’re just female people with children, and constitute a significant proportion of the human race. They may also be award-winning research scientists, landscape architects, sculptors, CEOs or forensic archaeologists.

They might as well could be, but in our setting it's extremely rare.

In my DD class I was the only one with a corporate job.

There was a lady that worked for a non profit, and yes I sometimes would talk about work with her.

And I've tried! I tried to organise a "mother's day brunch" through the WhatsApp group and only got crickets.

There's another mum I interact with, but we come from very similar latitudes.

Thing is Op… now you don’t have a corporate job. Or indeed any job.

No offence but if somebody told me they had a corporate job and tried to tell me about it, I would consider that very boring.
The fact that you only really want to talk about your work is probably the issue here.

Making friends is a numbers game. You need to make a LOT of small talk acquaintances before you land on one or two good friends from that batch. Try harder at your youngest's school, it's good timing while she is new to primary school. Go to exercise classes where people chit chat at the start. Try a hobby. Meet friends of friends. Meet former colleagues for coffee.

Just keep meeting everyone and anyone and eventually you'll find your people. It takes time.

A mother's day brunch... on mother's day or another time?

Latitudes - what does that mean?

You are starting to sound snobby. Can you move areas to somewhere you feel suits you?

Please don't take it as a criticism but you do have high expectations of the level of communication you seem to think is normal. You also seem to expect to be able to talk but you don't mention anything about listening.

Maybe you are very much an extroverted who needs a lot of conversations but ultimately, I don't think it is common for people to have deep conversations on a daily basis. Its also normal for most conversations to be superficial on a day to day basis.

You have your husband your mum and two friends with whom you can be yourself and talk as you like it. That's already a lot.

It does sound that you need a different job where face to face interaction features highly.

Absolutely agree. Broaden your interest OP, or be more interested in other people. You come across as judgmental and snobby.