I think I'm potentially a lost cause

[Isitameproblem]

Super quick context, for the past 15 years I've lived a fairly isolated life, probably the last 14 have been much worse because I've worked remotely.

I've ttied to socialise and put myself out there but over the years it has never really come to much. If anything what I miss is the talking to someone in person who isn't my DH. For the same reason, I think I've never really assimilated really well, and I've never felt like I belong anywhere.

My only two real friends are back in my birth country and I rarely see them. One of them is visiting me for a week. But honestly I've found that I get way TOO intense and I don't know if it's the concept of having someone around who's not my DH, or actually having someone to talk to.

I can see it's not good, but I don't know how to improve in that sense.

BTW I've learned to live in my "loneliness" I know that people won't necessarily get me, and that what I would want to talk about is not necessarily of their interest, so I'm totally ok with that now. At least I have a mum I talk to on a very regular basis, and she's like my "water cooler" chat.

All I've been telling her is that not having someone to share your ups and downs is kind of sad, and that sometimes you just want to have a good cry with someone, but again I'm kind of used to it by now. What I yearn is day to day interaction, because you'd normally get that from work and I obviously I don't get it. But again realising at least I get that now, I think I'll probably get my "fix " that way.

Sorry I'm rambling and thanks for reading

I'm gleaning from this - the mention of being an ex-pat and also your fondness for baseball that you are an ex-pat yourself, likely from north-America? This explains a lot!! Are you indeed American? If you are then I can tell you from experience (I am Anglo-American - grew up in the UK, adult life mostly in the US, moved back to the UK - omg I miss the US!) that it's a culture shock, and that mum-cliques in England can be a bit more standoffish and less open to having big friend groups than - in my experience - is the case in the US. I find it way more easy to meet new people and to find social interactions in the US than the UK. Your mentioning of a brunch would make way more sense in the US than over here.

It's very true that we are separated by a common language - there are huge social differences between American/Canadians and Brits. I miss my buddies in the US hugely, and find that friend groups over there are way more welcoming of newbies and that there are way more opportunities there to meet new people/volunteer etc etc - and that the meeting includes friends of both sexes, not just women, and it being totally normal for that to happen.

Keep on trying - you clearly have hobbies that can lead to mutual friendships (dog-walking, and doing the two sports you compete in for example).

That's right! Go Dodgers!

People I swear sneer at me when they hear my accent. Obviously not always, but I seem loud and obnoxious in comparison.

For the most part most of my colleagues have been American or some sort of ex-pat too, so I've always lived in that sort of bubble.

I have fellow American acquaintances that have assimilated a lot better, but they do call cookies biscuits now ;)

Well this all make far more sense now! I am an A's fan (so I really shouldn't say go Dodgers - but I LOVE Dodger Stadium so I will!!! Yay Dodger dogs!).Presumably this may mean you are from the LA area? I too am a Californian and OMG it is a big time culture shock moving to back to the UK. So I do understand why you are finding it a bit weird. Frankly given your background etc some women may assume that actually you won't want to hang out with them because you've already got - what they may assume - is a really interesting life and background and lots going on. People tend to assume that americans - Californians especially - are outgoing and have no issue meeting people. Plus you've moved countries and therefore don't have quite the same points of reference to talk about as people who grew up here. It makes sense that there is a bit of a clash here. You're not going to find many people, alas, who love baseball (Bummer!! I long to have a catch and also throw a football around and have someone to talk about college football with, but that's not likely in the middle of a little village here in England lol!)

I'm repeating myself I know, but I think your dog is going to be super useful for you in terms of meeting people. I would also encourage you to invite friends from the US to come and stay, and for you to go back and visit when you can. I find it far more difficult to meet and make friendships in the UK than the US - so I do understand the difficulties. But hey, there is nothing wrong with that - it's quite normal when there are cultural differences. Give yourself some credit and go have a nice walk with your doggo :)

Not quite, a bit further up north in Carpinteria.

But happy to find a fellow Cali girl, ha!

It's true it's very hard, and it's never got any better. Sometimes it'd just more bearable than others, but I just kind of feel ill never fit in. In my eyes I DO try, but I feel it's never good enough or have bad luck or whatever.

I genuinely don't think about it that regularly but my friend's visit made it obvious I clearly don't talk to people about my personal life in person very often if at all.

BTW the mother's day brunch was not on mother's day, it was just an excuse to socialise outside the school setting

You barely know them having only had a bit of “chitter chatter”

and you think they’re dull

I imagine they were quite taken aback to receive a message suggesting this, let alone enticed to join.

Where roughly do you live?

I think it can be tricky to make friends in adulthood in UK outside of London.

I get what others have said about people in US being more open to new people. The flip side, of course, is that it doesn’t often translate into deeper friendships.

but it doesn’t sound like you’re interested in people.

and do you honestly want to talk about work? Or are you really saying you only want to socialise with people on your ‘level’?

I love my job- rarely talk about it with friends. Unless it’s some funny story about the characters at work.

Many of my friends are accomplished and successful in their careers, but they aren’t talking about it all the time.

Yes, I genuinely like to talk about work. I talk to my DH all the time about it (the poor thing!)

My life is kind of simple or in other words I have very specific interests. Working out (which should be a broad net, but you'd be surprised!), going on holiday, and my dogs. I also LOVE music, but nobody likes what I like, so again kind of pointless.

I live in the middle of nowhere which doesn't help.

I completely agree with this.

I also have a very senior corporate job with lots of travel etc. I hate it when people say “how’s work?”. The last thing I want to do is talk about work! It is full on and often quite stressful. I’m dealing with complex matters all day every day. When I meet up with my friends or the class mums, I want to let my hair down and not think about the office for a few hours.

I find your statement regarding finding mums boring reductive. Everyone is more than just mums. The best thing about going out with the class mums is that it is such a wide range of people from all sorts of careers etc. Everyone is so different and interesting.

But that ain't me! Plus, that's been my experience for the past 15 years. We live in one of the most deprived, ethnically uniform counties. Most people move here to be one with nature, the sea, be outdoorsy, etc... That's certainly not my thing.

If I could my ideal weekend would be brunch + window shopping + museum/concert.

I'm very much a city rat that loves the chaos of the city.

Finding fellow mothers boring, is a bit like people saying they don't like small talk. The sometimes inane chit chat at the beginning of relationships is all part of the journey.

Similar to those who only want to talk about their kids then!!

Edited to say sorry quoted wrong post