So mad at dh

[autisticbookworm]

Our son is autistic, he’s in mainstream school who are ok, he has a full time one to one for his processing and emotional regulation.
Every year school do a trip, i have booked annual leave and gone every year as he massively struggles with different/new experiences. This year they are doing two trips, I had an operation 6months ago that I’m still recovering from so I couldn’t go on the last trip. It went badly and ds ended up running off and was missing for fifteen minutes. School admitted that it was managed poorly. The second trip is coming up, I have asked dh to go as I am still unable too. Dh has said no as he thinks school need to just manage him, I think he just doesn’t want to go.
whilst dh is right school should manage the reality is they will struggle as there will be limited staff and his 1:1 will inevitably be called up on. I’m so pissed off that after 4 years of me going he can’t do 1 trip. He even suggested ds doesn’t go. Plus if ds does meltdown/run away regardless of any failings on schools part it will be ds that faces the consequences .
Aibu to be angry at dh?

Yep, that's a crappy cop out. Unfortunately it does seem to be very common with SEN kids that one parent ends up doing all the work (no prizes for guessing which sex the majority of those parents are).

Does your son want to go on the trip?

Shouldn't his 1:1 be going anyway?

Excuse my ignorance, just curious but I thought that's the sort of thing they would do?

He would struggle either way as staying behind would be a different routine. But yes he likes the place they are going to

Yes if we don’t go the 1;1 would go but tbh she often gets called away to manage other things. O the last trip she was with with him but didn’t put any adjustments in place to support him. They tend to approach any new situation with a see how he copes attitude. Which isn’t helpful

I think it’s ok for him to have a different stance to you on this tbh.

Nah DH is being a let down and needs to step up. I would be annoyed too

Probably he shouldn’t go on the trip?

He isn't much of a father is he. Is he a crap father in other instances as well?

I'm a teacher. School trips are extremely stressful. I have an ASD child in my class who finds it very difficult to regulate his emotions. His dad offered to come with us and to be honest it was such a relief. He does have a classroom assistant but very inexperienced and has found this pupil difficult to support. Parents shouldn't have to go but it is such a huge help when they do.

After last time I think school will be in high alert on the trip

I think it’s one where it’s reasonable for parents to have different views.

Yes, school should be able to make adjustments and cope. There’s also an angle that at some point your son will need to cope, with being places that aren’t school or home without a parent.

It may be that the time has come to shift the emphasis onto planning in advance for the trip to be a success, without a parent going on it.

And maybe a shift in which parent has the discussions with school could help with that. So your husband can work with school
to come up with a plan that suitably safeguards him. 1:1 thats out of ratios for the rest of the trip
planning. Tracker if there’s a risk of running away. Talk through the day beforehand etc.

I would be really pissed off too OP

Is your DH socially anxious perhaps?

Teacher here too, and yes if a child’s risk assessment shows he or she is a flight risk then a parent is always asked to come to support. Often the 1:1s are young (due to minimal wages, 17k) and inexperienced (no quals needed), or some with their own health concerns who would find running and sometimes withdrawing children from dangerous situations (climbing up fences etc) very hard. School trips are so stressful as often the flight risk child is one of many of varying degrees of SEND in a class and at times we have had to say that if parents can’t support them the child can’t come. This is purely from a safeguarding standpoint and a lack of resources (no chance of borrowing extra staff from other year groups for a trip as there are other such significant needs in school). It is a shame and sums up the desperate lacking of resources and funding in schools.

…. So your husband should go and think about the welfare of his child and the rest of the school staff!

I'm a 1:1 with a child who does find trips tricky but I anticipate their needs and plan accordingly. I manage this on the day by making a visual timetable of the day (sending this home a week ahead and looking at it daily at school) and bringing familiar things they use to help manage their school environment. Also snacks, water and scoping out a quiet spot for later when we arrive just in case.
Honestly, the day is always stressful for me as the 1:1 because I have to spend the entire day managing their needs with no break and no real support from other staff. It's a lot. But it's also amazing and I do believe it shouldn't be 'they can't do that's and should be 'how can we support them for this'.
I'm not sure there really is a right opinion between you and your husband, but your child's 1:1 should be putting support in place to help with transition between and unfamiliar events/environments as these will always be a part of life. But then you guys can do this at home too, you know? It takes a village and all that. Manage expectations and needs of the day ahead of time.

Was there something in particular they could/should have done to avoid the last situation? If so, just write it all down for them so they know exactly what to do when he is overwhelmed.

They don't need to put a plan in place if you give them a plan of what he needs.

If one of his requirements is that he must be under constant adult supervision and school can't actually provide that, then yes a parent needs to go, though I appreciate you can't force your husband to.

I understand why you're annoyed at DH - he doesn't seem prepared to sacrifice as much as you for your son. But to an extent he's right - the school do need to learn to manage him and if you keep going along and filling in the gaps they are going to keep using their resources on something else.

Have you considered telling DH that it's reasonable to want the school to learn to deal, but that that obviously needs some over sight. So for DC's sake he needs to go in and talk to them? Insist they have better management in place for the trip this time. Get a commitment that they won't pull DC's 1:1 away as DC needs them. Ask what accommodations the 1:1 has planned this time in light of their failure on the last trip, etc. LostSocksBrigade makes it clear that there are 1:1s who do the job well and a bit of prodding may get your DC's to do the same and ease more of the burden on you guys (which I assume would make a big difference).

If you think your child will struggle to follow the rules of the class , then yes one of you should go if at all possible. It's entirely in your child's interest that a parent who knows them really well goes to ensure they have a good time and primarily keeps them safe. That is speaking from a former teacher now TA, who has an autistic child too. Yes school should be able to keep them safe but it will definitely be a more stressful experience for your child if there is any possibility they may run off or put themselves in danger.

TA in a mainstream school and just want to add that we get very little training and mostly have very little experience with SEN children. It’s definitely a case by case situation and if I felt the child’s safety was at risk with being 1:1 with them outside of our usual school setting then I would prefer for a parent to come along too. I know you shouldn’t have to however, that’s how it is sometimes.

also in the schools I’ve worked in they do prefer parent helpers anyways as TA’s are needed in school.

with regards to your husband I do feel like it’s only fair he takes a turn…

I don’t think YABU.

Yes the school should have a full 1-1 who will manage the day perfectly.

In reality though this is very difficult in a new environment and the stress of it might end up making the day miserable for everyone when in fact it could be good fun. You’ve had one near miss already, if it happens again or something worse chances are either all trips will be cancelled or your DS might not be able to attend. If the school think they can’t keep him safe despite reasonable adjustments this is what they will do.

Your DH needs to go. Also don’t know where it is but doesn’t he want to
spend time with his son and see him with his friends?

Is he generally a crap father? He sounds like a lazy dad.

Not all 1:1s are miracle workers.

They will be doing this stressful trip in their own time with no overtime

Would it kill him to go?

If he refuses, HE gets to tell your son he can't go

If I was able to go he would 100% not have this opinion.