So mad at dh

[autisticbookworm]

Our son is autistic, he’s in mainstream school who are ok, he has a full time one to one for his processing and emotional regulation.
Every year school do a trip, i have booked annual leave and gone every year as he massively struggles with different/new experiences. This year they are doing two trips, I had an operation 6months ago that I’m still recovering from so I couldn’t go on the last trip. It went badly and ds ended up running off and was missing for fifteen minutes. School admitted that it was managed poorly. The second trip is coming up, I have asked dh to go as I am still unable too. Dh has said no as he thinks school need to just manage him, I think he just doesn’t want to go.
whilst dh is right school should manage the reality is they will struggle as there will be limited staff and his 1:1 will inevitably be called up on. I’m so pissed off that after 4 years of me going he can’t do 1 trip. He even suggested ds doesn’t go. Plus if ds does meltdown/run away regardless of any failings on schools part it will be ds that faces the consequences .
Aibu to be angry at dh?

Yes in this kind of scenario but I am autistic and struggle massively with social interaction but I would go because it’s in our sons best interests.

The son is entitled to a 1:1 who can meet his needs and OP and her DH wouldn't be at all unreasonable to push them and the school to get to grips with their responsibilities. Whether the school is paying the 1:1 properly isn't their responsibility to ameliorate. So I don't think it is wrong for a parent to take the view that the school need to step up and learn to cope, rather than having the parents fill the gaps for them - for the long term benefit of their DS. But it seems that isn't what's going on here.

Since OP says her DH's attitude would be different if it were her that was going to go. So he apparently agrees that it isn't in the best interests, long term or otherwise, not to have a parent go, he just doesn't want it to be him. So I've changed my mind! He ought to do it.

I would be angry with my DH too.

we have an ASD child, whose needs are different than your child’s. I have taken the lead over the years with our child because I understand her best. I have a similar vein of autism.

Since I do the bulk of the work and research, DH generally defers to me. I’m happy to talk about anything he wants to talk about, but with something like this, I would win that discussion because one opinion is so obviously correct.

@RawBloomersbeing ‘entitled to a 1:1 who will meet his needs’ where do you think these trained professionals with all their expertise come from? It’s all well and good managing a child’s safety in a school environment with fences and locked doors but trying to coax a dysregulated child to conform when they’re in fight or flight is like holding water. And a school doesn’t pay the wage, it’s the local authority and is fixed at lower than minimum wage.

This is exactly what his 1:1 is for, so dh has a point. He shouldn't need to go because the school should be fulfilling their legal obligations to your son.

This is a tricky one. As someone who works in a school, depending on the child we don't always want the parent of the sen child to accompany them, for various reasons. This year one child had the senco and their 1:1 TA accompany them plus they were grouped with the class teacher, so 3 adults that are closely aware of their needs. There should also be a risk assessment form that the school give you to sign, regardless of you attending the trip or not, so this should show how they will manage the child e.g. if they are a known runner, how they will minimise this risk.

However in terms of your question should DH take a turn if parents are requested to attend, then absolutely.

Wow! How can 1 to 1s earn less than minimum wage?

Does your son want to go on the trip OP? It sounds like he got overwhelmed last time.

TA wages cannot legally be fixed at lower than minimum wage. If you know any TAs who are earning less than minimum wage tell them to call ACAS immediately.

Sorry I thought 17-18k working 7 hours a day for 38 weeks of the year equated to minimum wage at £13.50 per hour. Which where I live, is under minimum wage.

So because he doesn't see it or do it your way he is wrong?

It wouldn't be seven hour days, necessarily, or full weeks.

For those saying that the school should just manage, as said, outside of school, it isn't that easy, without restraint tactics (which is built into adult care plans). But activities are chosen to suit an adults needs, school can't rearrange trips to suit one child. Parents of disabled children do often need to be involved. It's piss poor parenting on behalf of the Dad.

Nope, because he won't meet the needs of his disabled child, he is wrong.

Same here, OP. These scenarios frazzle my nervous system for days, but I do what I have to for the wellbeing of our child. There’s no reason a man shouldn’t make the same sacrifice.

I'm so impressed that you do that, there's no way I could manage it.

Exactly. We are not talking about a glass of wine at the end of the day recovery!

We all have different stuff it is hard but doable. There’s probably stuff you can do that’s impossible to me. For example can you eat canned food?😂

I’ve got two boys with ASD (both young adults now), I only ever went on one school trip. Oldest was definitely a flight risk in some circumstances and I made that clear to
the school. They put things in place to ensure he was safe.

Our SEND children are legally entitled to an education that meets their needs and, while I have every sympathy for their teachers, we need to ensure that our child’s needs are adequately met.

I do appreciate that it’s hard for teachers but we’re just as stuck in the situation as they are and our responsibility is to our child not to
the teachers. It’s up to the school leadership to put things in place.

I think the poster means funding doesn’t cover all of the entitlement so school expected to cover the short fall. But TA’s are expected to run after school clubs, arrive early to prep and plan (and sometimes pay for) activities with the children at no extra pay.
my dd is a ta and regularly works above her hour. She gets bitten, scratched, kicked and earns £1400 per month.

Tbh I would assume his 1:1 would be with him on the trip and a parent shouldn't be needed (ex head here). The schools should be able to manage him effectively

Op, a slight digress, but if your Dd is working as a TA, and is regularly doing unpaid overtime , her average hourly rate must meet minimum wage , otherwise her employers are breaking the law ; even if that’s a school with no budget.

If that is the case, she should contact ACAS, her union, or citizens advice .

It makes me so angry that people are abused by employers in this way.

You sound like an amazing mum btw

I understand why you’re annoyed but I also understand why he wouldn’t want to go on the trip. If he’s otherwise pulling his weight and this isn’t a pattern of him not doing his share, I think I’d be understanding about this one instance.

I don’t have a disabled child myself but did grow up with a severely disabled sibling so I do have some understanding of the pressure on both you and your DH and I sympathise.

I can, but some things are more important! We considered the possibility for our daughter this year when she went on her residential but the very thought gave me horrendous panic! Luckily she was OK but still.

I have an autistic child and agree with your dh. It is unreasonable to expect a parent to come every time. The school need to step up and train the 1 to 1 make sure they know they aren’t to leave your dc.

But the school are responsible for this in the situation. OP has made up a scenario where his 1:1 might not be available it’s not as if school have said they cannot take the child unless a parent goes too.

Wow I’m jealous - I worked Monday Friday and full school day and just before I left on mat leave I was taking home £1071.